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One Shoe Off, One Shoe On

Andrew Long - August 6, 2004 18:15 EDT

IT NEVER FAILS TO AMAZE ME how if you do anything slightly out of the ordinary while at work, at least a million people will wander by and comment on it, obliging you to repeat your sad, grubby little story a dozen times or so. Lest you think I enjoy sharing the gory details of my recent encounter with Dr. Rozzario, Podiatrist Esq, I most certainly do, but I'm really quite surprised that people aren't a little more squeamish about what obviously can't be a very nice story. I mean, my sock was covered in blood by about noon, and I was hobbling pretty nastily, so you'd think that maybe, just maybe, that level of detail would be sufficient for most people.

But I digress. As you can see, I've had my mind on other things, and as a result, due to a certain inability to not be reclining yesterday, I was unable to ah... get it up enough to do this column, to put things in a wholly unnecessary sexual context for kicks and giggles. At any rate, my little contest has been won, and as soon as I decide upon an appropriate award, it shall be distributed. Little else to talk about on the RPG front until I get my black crate of doom modded, at which point I'll be able to wax eloquent about a certain game that everyone's slavering over. But that's for later! For now, let's get this beast up before midnight and call it a day.



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Shot in the dark

Cast again,

Sorry I missed a day of Q & A and missed that Google is dealing with real life stuff, so you can disregard my first email question if you want to, although I'm still wondering if Google is okay due to his recent lapses.

By the way, is Senator H F pimp XIII referring to Bill Clinton? (I know a shot in the dark)


Hmm? No need to apologize; Google didn't really give the rest of us much notice either, so it's not like I had much of an idea of what was going on. Anyhow, moot point, seeing as how he's back in action.

And no, no it isn't.

Getting warmer...

greetings costomelia

So about the title....... Senator H.F. Pimp XIII

Well the thirteen obviously had something to do with the fact that you recieved 13 letters yesterday. That much was easy. About the HF part I can only guess. maybe its Half Full meaning that you can only post 26 letters and 13 was half the amount you could post. Well did i get it, may I have a tilde?

I guess I better say something about a (an) RPG. Is anyone else as hopelessly addicted to videogames as I am. I envy crack addicts knowing that they are not as hoplessly addicted as myself to my addiction. I cant wait for FFXII and the next Xenosaga.

Awaiting a Tilde,

You will have to continue awaiting, for your Half Full theory is sadly half-baked as well. It'll give you something to do on the long cold nights when you have to sleep instead of playing sweet, sweet RPGs.


I dunno about the numbers hint, but if I was going on the poem alone, I would guess that Mr. H.F. Pimp is no other than ANDREW LONG himself!


Ah, but I am no senator, my friend. Sucks to your assmar.. or answer, such as the case may be!


The title Senator H.F. Pimp XIII is compounded from the last three unfit for print letters. The last quickie from the 29th talks about Red XIII, the last normal-sized letter from the 29th mentions the writer being pimped by World of Warcraft, and - this is the tricky one - the unfit for print letter from the 28th ends the second paragraph with "StarOcean3, .hack, FFXI." The H. F. is the first letters from .hack and FFXI, and Senator is almost an anagram of StarOcean.

Incidentally, this is a pretty freaky picture.


Wow... it's amazing what people come up with when you force them to ponder your nonsensical bullplop for hours on end. Why, I bet if I'd had it drag on long enough, someone would have pointed to that column and claimed I predicted the death of the master of funk himself, Rick James! Incidentally: Rick James is DEAD!

So close, and yet so far

Senator-7 letters
H F Pimp-6 letters
7+6 = 13

Best i could come up with from all the cat talk and FF7 talk. From which i thought about Red XIII or Nanaki both of which also have 7 and 6 letters respectively.

Ah, you're nearly there, but I'm afraid our fabulous panel of judges require slightly more precision than you have offered. As such, I will now enlist Charles Bronson's ghost to break the news to you.

No dice!

This ain't over...

Aja... una mochila...

Yo Cast,

I'd have to say that you took the 13th letter of each reader's letter and then anagrammed them to spell out Senator H. F. Pimp. The XIII is there to add another 13, and it looks like that one guy's name :Lyle J. A. Smith II.

If this is right...I noticed a flaw. I get Senator H. F. Pim(N). The 6th and 11th letter both have an N at position 13.


Ah, you are exactly correct, right down to that wretched P that somehow snuck in there, presumably for the sake of covenience, or at least because I'm a sloppy bastard. Indeed, all references to the number 13 were intended as clues, although Lyle Smith II just likes showing off his initials for some reason (thought strangely enough, during his short stint at RPGamer, he opted not to use his initials. Conspiracy? I think so...) At any rate, you are the winner of our fabulous prize*, which will be decided upon by tomorrow.

*Prize is still not fabulous

Who's stalking who in the what now?


It's that time of year again. The onions are being praised as Gods among Gods and get their own queen to whisk them away into soup or tacos. Mmmm...tacos. So Tuesday and Wednesday filled me with disbelief as who do I come across in my workplace than Nintendo itself? Err..the "Nintendo Street Team", to be exact. No RPGs were present and I was on-duty and could not really check it out but for 2 mins. as I was leaving. I signed up to win a GBA SP, but that's about it. See, you Nintendo whore, why couldn't you come bathe in my obsession this week? See what you missed?! Err..where the hell has tuinte been? I haven't talked to him in forevar. I only inquire to you because you usually have a tight leash on where he goes. Oh well, I shall be off to make sweet onion soup, or am I?

Who are you?,

O' Shrouded One

tuinte, so far as I am aware, has been slaving away in a Korean grocer's in Koreatown, which is a few blocks away from our neighbourhood. He describes his job as fourteen hours a day, hellish, and chiefly involving going up and down a slippery set of stairs hauling giant boxes. Also, his boss knows zero English, creating a delightful communication barrier.

Example: "Moons, lend me your thtrength!"

I've heard a lot about Skies of Arcadia. Is this game worth buying? Also, I'd like to say that Symphonia is awesome so far.

If you've heard a lot about Skies of Arcadia, presumably what you've heard a lot of is gushing, which for some reason everyone I know who owns the game does. My friend Jim gushes, Googleshng gushes, and this old man who was storing some dried-up bits of hot dog bun while scraping around in a gutter looking for seeds sure looked like he was enjoying the case to me. Personally, I found it to be fairly entertaining, though I didn't really play enough of the game to make a valid judgment. I have also been thwarted yet again in my attempts to acquire it; Onswah, late of this site, was giving it away, but alas, Alethea scooped me. So yes, I think you would probably enjoy the game very much, though some of the voice acting is wretched. But all voice acting is wretched, so if you think ToS is awesome, you likely won't be too perturbed by the assness in SoA.

Four bizarre steps to incorrectitude

::Emerges stupendously from the summoned world::

Castronaut! It's been too long since I've last written, since I've been moving and all, so I thought I'd break the silence by deciphering last week's title, "Senator H. F. Pimp XIII. Here goes...

1. XIII, or thirteen, in our vernacular, means "the number after twelve or before fourteen". It is also the last name of a famous FFVII character, Red XIII, whom was mentioned in both columns along with the title.

2. Continuing along this train of thought, the "red" part of Red XIII might indicate communism, which, as we all know, is just a red herring... or is it? Perhaps you meant to indicate the crazed SENATOR who caused the "red scare" in the 50s, hmmm?

3. Now that we've resolved Senator and XIII, the next thing to consider is what H. F. stands for. I rifled through my video game list and noticed "Adventures of Lolo", which has HEART FRAMERS, or HF for short. Coincidence? And, to top it off, Lolo's sweetheart is pink... another shade of RED! I'm on to you! Bwahaha!

4. Now, to tie it all together, consider how fuzzy Lolo and Lala look. What type of people wear fuzzy clothing? PIMPS! A-HA!

Now we know, Senator H. F. Pimp XIII stems from your bizarre train of thought. You thought you could fool me, but no, sir! I am a summon, and summons are not tricked so easily! You owe the Oracle an explanation of why trains of thought are best left checked.

Solving conundrums since... today

And you owe me an explanation as to why someone who could cook up such an outlandish explanation could possibly be throwing around the word "bizarre." Back to the loch with you, Nessie!

Unfit for Print

hay do no wih ff7 moive comes out in us? i hred roomres but id look 2 no 4 sher thax

OmG liek I totally had to hax0r this xcolunx when I saw this lettr beczj it was so ture and i had tried keboefre to find the answer when I was luking at the website for squaer and let me tell oyu, they really don't offer too much for us nont -Japanese folks., Liek ,i was gou g to lookg for infermantion on Final Fnatasy XII whic is I hear super great k and ther was onyl JAPANESE Which is pretty silly if you ask me cuz I mean I paly lots of Final Fnaatyy gmaes and the y ar e all really great which is why I think the site souhuld be in ENLGISH YOU WANKERS.

So if u want to llookl for sher, I sugget yous write Mr. Hirnoubu Sakaghuci, wyho used to be in chargeg of Square ENix which is the same company btw which is crazzzy cuz befire it was like they wre beitter rivuls and then someone took a big waffle gun and mashe thnme iknto one big plate of gooey mess LOL, but ihtere still hasn't bin any Final Dragon Legend of Fnatasy XIIVV Which is teh gmae I always wbanted to play and I even wrote up a thing once which wwas what I aimanged suck a wonderfull game would be like ahdn I think there were laser sharks which are knecessary for any sort of game that will be teh best game EVAR and so yeah you shud defentitly email mr Skauraguchi, whise EmaiL is I think but I could be wrong about that becauz that is a FAKE WEBSITE YOU STUPIDS.

If mr. Skauahghci does't help u, I duno what to do - I mean, this one time I went up to a guy in teh local store to ask when a game would cuome out and then he told me to stop smoking in the stor which I thought was pretty lame cuz I mean its cool and you should be totally cool when your buying games but anyway then tehy throughe me out and LOST THE SALE OF MEGAN MAN % which I bet they feal pretty stupiud about but any way, I'm pretty shur teh movie will be out hear eventually.


Hey Andrew

Video game getting memories? I remember getting Ocarina of Time on the first day it came out. I was so happy because it was sold out like everywhere. Even the news talked about it.

The Batman

Hmm.. I'm almost positive this letter was caught in some sort of inbox time warp, but it deserves its day in the sun, so to wit: thanks for sharing, The Batman. I'm currently playing through OoT and using way too much FAQ action for my own good, so I'm afraid most of the fuzziness involved is stripped away when you let someone else do all the work for you.


As you can see, my dear friend AOLHaxor has been up to his old tricks again, but never fear - I've managed to send him off to a hacker's convention in the midwest that should keep him occupied for a while. For tomorrow, which is rapidly approaching, let us talk about the newly announced Shenmue Online. Surprised to find Yu Suzuki doing anything else than rolling in the piles of money generated by PSO? Been waiting for another chance to strut around in China like you own the place? Well, there's nothing like living vicariously, so drop me a line and make me feel ALIVE AGAIN!
Andrew Long is infected... with your beat!



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