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June 10th, 2007

Andrew Long - 22:31 EDT

YOU KNOW, I don't think there's a limit to the number of times I can see that photo of Paris Hilton crying in the back seat of a squad car and get a warm little jolt of schadenfreude-related goodness out of the deal. Granted, Ms. Hilton is only one of a malignant posse of awful celebrities who deserve to be gutted horribly, but it's a start! Now, I just look forward to the day when something awful happens to Ashlee Simpson.

Does that make me a bad person? Well, I don't care. I really can't stand that no-talent dilettante bent-nosed(well formerly) lip-synching hack. And now that I've run out of adjectives, let us rock and / or roll!

Summer fling


hi, this is my first time writing a letter to you (I've been reading your column for some time now).

I'm having a bit of a problem and hope that maybe you can help me out. Now that it's summer, and I have little to nothing to do, I need a good, solid RPG to play. I've played through the Xenosaga series (though I didn't particularly care for II), Breath of Fire series, Final Fantasy series (except V...and I've barely played through I - III), etc.

In the past two years, I discovered the Atelier Iris series, but to be honest, I only thought they were good RPGs as opposed to great RPGs (I'm yet to play the third game, but wondering if it's any good).

Is it just me, or have RPGs in general gone from 'great' to 'good' in the past few years? One good example would be Final Fantasy XII (I know, big arguments concerning this one). I liked the gameplay, but of course I'm one of those types who won't particularly like an RPG with a slow, almost shallow plot and little to no character development. I was really expecting the game to a great part of the series (with the massive delays), but it really just seems to be a love-it-or-hate-it game.

Sorry, didn't mean to get off topic there.

So if you could help me out I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks for your time!

-Patrick See what's free at <2/2637> ^


Hmm. You didn't care for the plot in FFXII, huh? Well, to each their own, I suppose. I know it's nothing terribly original, but I found the dialogue to be a breath of fresh air after the way FFX was plagued with Hironobu Sakaguchi Lessons for LifeŠ. In any case, you want a game, eh? Well, you seem to dislike newer titles, so I have a couple of suggestions for you, though neither is terribly earth-shattering. First, have you considered the Suikoden series? There are five of them in all (six if you count Tactics!) and each represents a fairly lengthy game, at least if you care to find all the characters. While the stories are rather similar throughout the series, each has its own nuances, and oddly, despite there being hundreds of characters across the five games, a lot of them are memorable (though a lot are forgettable too, admittedly).

If that doesn't float your boat, nothing will suck up countless summer hours like sitting down with something by NISA. I can't in good conscience recommend either of Phantom Brave or Crapsody, but the Disgaeas are both entertainingly addictive and quite funny as well, and that other game they released somewhere in there is probably worth looking into too (even if my failing to remember its name belies that statement ^^;;)

Anyhow, I hope you see this, and I hope it helps!

A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G. Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H? Sorry, my Karnak machine isn't working very well today

Dear Host -

Suikoden VI? WHERE IS IT?!?!
- Ish


Dear Ish,

I predict Konami will announce it at either E3 or TGS later this year. The series is too popular to go much longer without such an announcement.

Laziness: I should support it, but I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite <3

What are some of the most simple and straightforward RPGs? You know, RPGs that are very easy to pick up and play and don't bog you down with options and complex systems and tend to be pretty linear and short in comparison to other RPGs?


Anything released for the SNES? Also, crap by Camelot, they never bother to make their games interesting. Seriously, dude, you're basically just asking for a heap of mediocre games that aren't worth playing. I've played a number of such games, but do you really want to sit through garbage like Dual Hearts or Beyond the Beyond just because you're too lazy to wander around a Sphere Grid for a few minutes? Is your attention span really so short that the intricacies of character creation in Disgaea or naming the odd Pokémon in Pokémon Pearl or Diamond is without your wherewithal?

Well, fine, do what you want, but don't expect me to help you waste your time. Also: play Brave Fencer Musashi or Breath of Fire V. That is all.

Yay Yay JuMe

Eat a Peach, Andrew.

I had always believed Parasite Eve to be more sci-fi than horror... but the distinction is a blurry one at best. And I had forgotten about it, so you're right. Have you played it?

But you seek to have actual input upon my decision-making processes? Apparently - so judge from these two competing entries upon the same game just how bizarre/terrible it is and advise me whether a cheap auction or a swift concrete immersion is more recommended. and

And as you are so supremely gifted at answering difficult questions, I ask your feelings on Harper's likelihood to be reelected when an election is called for later in the year.



I have indeed played Parasite Eve, and should really finish it someday. I got it for Christmas in a secret Santa work-thing, even though we weren't really sposed to spend as much as the person did on it. Ah well, lucky me!

As to Drakkhen; SA's Rom Pit tends to exaggerate the crappiness of games somewhat, but I dunno... This one has all the earmarks of a total stinker. You've probably run out of SNES titles to play, however, so what the hell, give it a go. With the KEMCO name behind it, it's bound to be quality!

Finally, Stephen Harper. That's a rather ticklish question. First, an election this fall is by no means a guarantee, as Harper's numbers have slipped back into a dead heat with the Liberals, not exactly a prime situation for an election call (though I suppose the opposition could engineer the government's demise). If one were to occur, however, I have to think he'd probably end up with another minority. Dion doesn't really seem to be wowing people, and while I personally find Harper odious, there's a whole province full of jerks who are currently swimming in oil money and view this as a divine imperative to make love to neocon ideology, while dumping on the rest of the country that supported them when oil prices were in the toilet. They'll ensure that he has a decent support base, and when you combine that with BC and rural Ontario, it might be enough to win him a minority. He's probably screwed in other prairie provinces though, since he kind of dicked over farmers there.

Grumble. I really can't stand Alberta >:(

Unfit for Print

how do you get



Listen, Billy the Backhoe Fireman, whatever that means. Sending me an email thrice is not likely to get my attention any more than sending it once, at least not in a good way. Sending it to me in giant letters is also not going to improve your chances of a successful letter. And sending utter gibberish, finally, is the worst way possible to get an answer to your question, especially when you provide no context whatsoever for what I assume is you asking how to get married. So how do you get married? Well, for someone as stupid as you appear to be, I recommend going to dockside bars, hooking up with some gaptoothed herpetic whore and then hightailing it for Vegas. It worked for that inbred twit who married Britney Spears!

Failing that, though, die in a fire.


Well then. For tomorrow, let's have some fun Karnak style. Send me letters phrased as Karnak style jokes. Ummm... yeah, this is doomed to disaster, but what the hell, I have a big enough backlog to absorb it!

Send a Letter!

Unanswered Letter Backlog: 8
Andrew is a gas giant five times the size of Jupiter.


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