Send a letter I Talk to me, baby I Old columns I Really old columns
Five Five Five Five Five Five FIIIIIVE May 5, 2005

Andrew Long - 2:00 EST

IT SEEMS THE SERVER IS still not being very co-operative, although the flow of spam has returned unabated, suggesting to me that you are all very naughty monkeys, especially you, Steve. As such, it's a heaping helping of leftover letters for you, so be prepared to read about things you haven't cared about in months! Actually, since at least one of these letters is bound to be from Paine, prepare to read about things that nobody has ever cared about!

I'm sorry, that was mean. Paine, after all, does care about them.

Mmm... so many hors d'ouevres... Book launch at a restaurant = yum


Monkey Business part.. something


I want it to be known that I do not appreciate being used. You played me against Chris like we were some kind of game. As payment for this crime, I demand that you let me do your column again, or I'll take it by force! I have laced your food with the same drug that Chris used on me to make me do his taxes.

Oh, and while I'm making demands, I want two bananas a day whether I'm good or not. That should be fair for all the work I do.

I look forward to a favorable reply,

Steve the Monkey
Monkey Keyboardist


Hmm... You make a very loud point, but as I told your partner in crime, I don't deal with terrorists. Now get off my plane! ...Yes, I'm aware this isn't a plane, but hopefully you're now picturing Harrison Ford with that severe constipation look just before he showed those other, more Russian terrorists who's boss.

And bananas are not for naughty monkeys. You should know that by now. Besides, I've seen footage of a certain smoking monkey, and so help me, if that's you, I'll restrict your Shakespearing privileges into the dirt!

The line on RPG Maker

Hi, I just discovered you by a friend at school. He told about all this cool stuff about RPG Maker 2003. So a day or 2 I finally came to the website. I wanted to make an RPG game but i dont know what to do because i cant find the thing to make it, can you help me please.


Due to objections from certain quarters, our official policy on RPGMaker titles is to follow them warily, but we don't really condone such things for some reason or other. I know it's valid, but I can't remember what it is, so you're going to have to settle for an mmmkay, mmmkay? Now, if, purely speculatively, I were to ruminamate as to where such a title could be found, I would direct my speculative ruminatee to their local import shack, since 2003 didn't even make it to North America.

If, however, I were to offer you an alternate solution, I would suggest you get NWN and fiddle around with some of the toolsets in there, which are really quite expansive and probably a good deal better than what RPG Maker offers.

NES Days of Yore

Did you ever play Goonies 2? I think it and Destiny of an Emperor are the most underrated NES games out there. Goonies 2 is a psuedo role playing game, as much of one as Zelda 2 is anyways. Just wanted you thoughts and to ask you if you know of any other games similar to it?

Tad Ghostal


The closest I came to Goonies 2 was my Nintendo friend's Nintendo friend, who had an extensive library of third-rate NES titles. I never got to play it, but my "100 NES Games Reviewed" magazine assures me that Goonies 2 rates a cool C-, and since it's never wrong (it gave Zelda II that score as well) clearly I have no interest in such things.

MMO angst

"You remind them of Babar, King of the Elephants!"

That's from The Critic. Duke says that to Jay Sherman. The funnier part of that is just before when Duke is in his room, looking at the tigers and says, "I ordered white tigers!" The tigers then sulk away sadly... that, my friend, is comedy...

For the question... I bought World of Warcraft yesterday. I've never done the MMORPG thing before, so I'm really not sure about it yet... I could've had Star Wars: Galaxies, Guild Wars, or Shining Tears(PS2). I already own the majority of console RPGs and I'm trying something new. Did I make a mistake?

- Steven


I'll leave my Jacobin counterpart to assign tildes for your cleverness, but as to the MMORPG selection, I would say you've done a fine job. WoW has a shallow learning curve for the casual MMORPGamer such as myself, and it also offers sufficient complexity to keep gamers who like their games hard to master around for the long haul. If you're still not convinced, create a character on Firetree server or Gurubashai and give Ctuchik or Castukku, respectively, a holler. I'll help you out as best I can.

BoF and that magic 6th installment

Hello Mr. Andrew,

Playing through Breath of Fire V for the umpteenth time. Was wondering if any little birdies have told you of a 6th (Or VI for you lamens out there) installment of the excellent series.



No, no little birdies have been buzzing about such a title, but I wouldn't worry too much. It is, after all, a Capcom property, which means that inevitably, the BoF teat will be hit up again sometime in the future.

A linguistic note from the not-so-distant past

Can't speak for radical, but rad's been revived amongst Gideon Yago toe-tapping hipsters on the US Eastern seaboard for a few years now. I'm sure "rad"s exactly what the gameboy-commercial guy said when he turned down the volume on his Morrissey vinyls long enough to tell his goth girlfriend he got the job. Sorry to ruin the experiment.


PS. If you ever hit the states, don't incite these kids to talk about Bush, or their stupid opinions will cause you to take the polar opposite view against your own better judgment. You'll effectively experience a matter-antimatter reaction in the frontal lobe which makes the next day's hangover just that much worse.


Yep, hipsters are a hateful lot sometimes. Ah, well... It was a good idea at the time (and now that nobody has any idea what I'm talking about, time to end this thing before things go any more awry!)


Well, I hope this convinces a few of you to send in letters, cuz reheating old letters is hardly my favorite course of action. For tomorrow, it seems that Bandai has gone and glomped Namco. Does this fill your heart with dread? Do you care as much as you did when you were still trying to figure out if the S-E dealy was an April Fool's Day joke gone horribly wrong? Let's talk!
Andrew Long no longer has flowing locks of hair; in fact, he is quite close-cut.

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They weren't really flowing before anyway... It was more greasy and wavy.


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