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Nuts and Gum... Together at Last!

Andrew Long - June 11, 2004 23:57 EDT

SO ANYWAY, I played Four Swords last night, and it was good. It was very, very good, in fact, and I enjoyed it pretty much without reservation until it got late and my friend got stupid tired, which can be a major hindrance in a game that requires co-operation. It also didn't help that we were in a level which basically consists of fifteen consecutive fetch quests, all strung together like an unholy daisy chain. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - fetch quests are the most inane part of any RPG, and whoever invented them should be guillotined while being drawn and quartered by rabid tigers clawing his eyes out while a sentient, leaky ball of sulfuric acid drops ready-to-sting scorpions into his gaping skull.

Four Swords still kicks prodigious amounts of ass, though.



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The kupomogli LJ

Mommy, Where Do Chocobos Come From?

What level is Shoe? 38
Tingle, Tingle, Tingle
Why has Miyamoto decided
To incluuuude you
I'll kooloolimpah YOU

What a coincidence!

::emerges, now in four designer colors!::


Tried the new Legend of Zelda? I know it's not an RPG, but it is yayness. With a capital YAY. Anyhow, my question is about the graphics. I love the whole Link to the Past/Wind Waker hybrid, but I heard some diss it, saying the Gamecube could do better. IMHO, the reason Nintendo didn't make it too graphic was because the GBA screen would look too different. Besides, simple graphics mean smoother gameplay, and with four player games, this is important. And it's more stylish, too. What's your verdict on the graphics in comparison to what could have been done? I think it was juuuust right.

Oh, and Shadow Battle? Wow. Think Smash Bros. Melee with LTTP graphics and gameplay. It is funness and has lots of greatality. Why didn't they bring Tetra Trackers over to North America, though? I heard it was the best mode... why must they make us cry?

Making up words for fun and profit

I have to agree with you entirely. The graphical style of Four Swords is perfect, from the enhanced spell effects right down to the super-crisp 2D goodness. People don't seem to understand that a game can have good graphics without pushing the Gamecube to its ultimate limit of endurance and cranking out six tetrillion polygons per second all in trilinear five hundred-twelve bit colour. Besides the fact that such orgiastic displays of technical prowess tend to drop framerates to indecent levels, they also tend to take the emphasis away from gameplay, whereas Four Swords has clearly placed the emphasis on the fun.

As to Tetra Trackers, from what I've seen of it, it doesn't look all that super duper. I mean, I could be wrong, since at first glance Shadow Battle didn't appear to be that funtastic, but there's usually a good reason for things getting left behind in Japan. And if there isn't, well, you can always chalk it up to good old Japan screwing us over and join the crowd that likes to cry a little more in their milk about how very much they wish to be Japanese so as to laugh at us stupid, deprived North Americans. Ho ho!

Old Chestnut #528

The Questionaire returns! Wow, I wasn't expecting you to answer ALL of the questions! I thought you'd just give me a smart remark or something! I'll be nice this time. I won't ask you any questions. Ok, may be just one.

Why do all the new Final Fantasy characters look like hookers? FFX-2 in my opinion has the worst wardrobe malfunction. I have never seen so many bad clothes in one game. But I fear that it's only getting worse! I was looking at Ashe (FF12) and I swear if that 'skirt' (if thats what you want to call it) gets any tighter, she won't be able to breathe. If it gets any shorter, I'd think she was waiting for her pimp. And Fran, well, her outfit is pretty self-explanitory: She's a stripper. Com'mon, I know you were thinking it. Pannero? Actually, she's not that bad. Reminds me a great deal of Rikku but with more clothes. Thank goodness that's the last of the female cast, although I sometimes wonder if that really is the end? Zooming in on Vanns face made me wonder, is there a male cast? Is it all girls again? Do I have to deal with another Final Fantasy Gone Wild? Of course, at this point, who really cares? After playing FFX-2, everything else seems so........clean and normal. In conclusion I'd like to say, Squeenix? Put some clothes on! -The Lizard

PS: Balflears shoes? Not cool.

If you think about it, in light of programs like Sailor Moon, and its Fantabulous Skirt of Ever-Increasingly Acute Angle, whereby no matter how far up the skirt you go, you don't see underwear, the FFs are just catching up to what appears to be the norm. Granted, most shows on this side of the ocean tend to leave a little more clothing on, but again, I think the main reason this trend seems so shocking is that we were never able to see just how scantily clad the women were prior to the advent of 3D graphics. I think had 3D been the standard all along, it's pretty likely that this wouldn't be an issue right now, because it would have been going on from time immemorial. Then again, maybe I'm just pigeonholing all video game developers into the dirty old men category.


So, as regards tui's response to Kupomogli, I will avoid the obvious pun about Tifa being a Round character, and move on to other stuff. Like say Chrono Trigger. What was your favorite attack from that game? I absolutely loved the triple tech Omega Flare, with that freaking huge laser beam that Robo fired down. Of course, combos in general are an awesome and all-too-rare feature in RPG's. My dream battle system would definitely have combos in it.

Oh, the irony. You are hosting a Q&A column, and you are the one asking the questions so we all have a topic to discuss. Don't you love the irony? I shall have more Chrono-Triggery questions in the future or something, but right now I have to go take a shower. So, until then...

-Jackson Ferrell

Oh, man! Omega Flare is totally my favorite too, because it's one of only two of Magus' triple techs that I managed to find, and it had all those crazy explosions. Also, I really like saying "Omega Flare!" Try it... you'll be pleasantly surprised! Anyhow, I must respectfully request that nobody else send in a letter directly mirroring my quirky opinions, because two in one day is a bit much, wouldn't you say?

Unfit for Print

When is the release date of final fantasy advent children?

Well, normally we post release dates on the website as soon as we know about them, but in this case, because so many people are curious about it, we've decided to hide that information in our top-secret moonbase, which I have code-named "Your Mother." In order for you to uncover the fantastic mystery of this release date, you must travel to the moon, defeat my laser sharks, and then figure out some way to destroy me using only a length of dental floss (mint!) and your finely honed sense of direction. If this sounds like too much effort, keep checking our releases database - it tends to be a much more efficient means of finding things out than either pestering me with emails or going to the moon.

I was wondering if you knew
if they are going to make another elder scrolls game.


hey, how many times have I told you not to get kidnapped?!
well, I guess you'll have to catch me up later on, eh?

Works for me, advice man!

hey andy...
looks like i'm winning a $50 gift certificate, due to some best game ever contest on... a certain website. any recommendations? in other news, a cow jumped over the moon. and the dish ran away with the spoon. pretty cool stuff, huh?
-- Hall of Fame Announcer Harry Carey

Much as I'd like to help you out, you called me Andy, so I'm going to have to murder you instead.


For tomorrow, since I'm playing Four Swords and all, we can talk about that. If you don't have it or haven't played it, let me tell you, it really pulls off the GBA-GC connectivity bit a lot better than FF:CC did, so it's making me look forward to the NDS that much more. As this constitutes a dead horse, my question to you is this: of the dead horses that are still riding around, chasing after force gems and carrots, which would you most like to immolate? It can be clothing in X-2, NDS vs PSP, or any of the other things we've talked to death in the past few months as we wait for something, anything to come along and seize our collective attention. Incidentally, if you know of something that could do that, let us all know - I'm awfully bored!
Andrew Long just ate Monterey Jack - the Rescue Rangers are doomed, doomed!



How can they possibly cope without cheese?

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