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Mapper Mop MipMap Mender

Andrew Long - May 15, '04 - 14:50 EDT

NOW, I'VE MET A FAIR NUMBER OF JERKS IN MY TIME, since after all this is the age of jerkdom where everyone is evil to each other, but the fellow I ran into last night at the baseball game took the cake. You see, we were sitting in the outfield bleachers, a place noted for its high levels of heckling and general noisiness, and sure enough, there was a gaggle of 12-year old girls sitting directly behind my friend and I, trying for all the world to deafen the entire section. Such a thing is generally unsuited to continued good hearing, but hey - it's a baseball game, and you're supposed to make noise, right?

Well, not according to the crusty old man a few seats down. With each shrill, piercing exhortation for Manny Ramirez to turn around and give us all autographs, thus causing him to divert his attention at such critical right-fielding moments as "ground ball to second base" and "strike two" and sending Boston to miserable defeat, this curmudgeon of doom snorted, muttered snidely, or tossed piercing glares at the kids, which of course only made them scream louder. Finally, after one particularly assful comment, I yelled over to him, helpfully suggesting that this was a baseball game and not a church service. I'm not quite sure what his reaction was, since he wasn't directly in my line of sight, but as that inning drew to a close, he stood, harrumphed, turned to the girls, and said: "All right, you win, okay? Geez, you noisy little brats.. I hope your lungs collapse!"

And that, my friends, is class at its finest. If ever you should be feeling badly about your interactions with your fellow human beings, think only to this rotten old bastard, and remember - it takes a lot of effort to be that crummy. Speaking of crummy, I have only four letters!



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Leading off: Shroudie


So the pants time are a no go? In that case, let's go hijack that there Fast Ferry, who's in Toronto getting "engine repairs" and sail the seven seas on a crazy adventure in search of sexypants. Now, as many people might now, the Folding Tool Heavy Duty holds many of your pants as it likes to eat them without any warning what so evar. As pants was a topic of yesterday, let's focus on today's. The Legend of Zelda for GCN madness?! I must say, the graphics are superb and stupefying. Granted, WW's graphics were cartoonish, but it fit the mood of the game. It's nice to see the adult, OoT-like version of Link again. It makes the game seem more darker, serious, and cinematic. Now as many other letters described, the whole idea of a card battle system in a RPG is quite odd. Picking cards in order to preform an attack? Preposterous!! What about simple menu selection? Where's the love in that?? Oh, by the way, how's the move thing going? Where'd ya move into? Anything go for that whole "bum off of tui" thang? Well, I await your bright creamsicle smile tomorrow.

I'll bring the dip,

O' Shrouded One

"bum off tui"? You misunderstand - I have to pay tui cold hard cash for the room I will inhabit, as I would rather rapidly become an expensive leech indeed to have around. As for Zelda becoming dark, serious, and cinematic, I'm not so sure I much care for that, since to me, Zelda has always been kind of bright, fun, and utterly lacking in anything remotely resembling a decent plot. I'll second the craptacularity of card battles, though. If I wanted to fight with cards, I'd go throw money at Wizards of the Coast.

OMG COREY is soooo kewl <3

New look on Zelda? Are you kidding? IT LOOKS FANTASTIC! I mean you can see the Chain Mail on Link! The stitching in his clothes! Link looks sooooo Hot! His eyes are really neat too! But I don't think you want to hear the endless (and I do mean endless) praise of the new Zelda, so lets move on.

Thanks, now I feel like a teen magazine.

I've been seeing and hearing a lot about the Nintendo DS and the PSP (Playstation Portable). I've seen pictures. I've gone on forums. I've seen trailers for many of the new games that are going to be on the Nintendo DS and I've heard about the new games in development for PSP. No doubt they're going to cost a pretty penny. My point is, when they finally come out, I won't know which to buy! They both look so pretty! A couple of my friends will buy whatever company their loyalty is placed. Example, my cousin will buy anything that Nintendo sells and won't give a second thought to the Playstation stuff. I like all the companys. I hate to play favorites. Anyway, lets look at the facts for the handheld war. Nintendo DS already has over 500 games from the Gameboy Advance (I believe they're still using cartridges). It has a dual screen, and has the capabilities of an N-64. It can probably connect with the G-cube and whatever next gen console that's in the works. On the other side, (I've read in a forum) the PSP can play music, dvds (I don't know how that's possible but this is just what I read), download stuff, plus connectivity feature to PS2, PSX, and, PS3. It uses disks instead of Cartridges. It looks really, really small (although that might be a bad thing). I know there are a bunch of games in the works for it. I gotta tell you the dual screen for the DS is really selling me. It looks so neat! But I think it all comes down to the games. Nintendo already has "it's foot in the door" in that department. I've seen some neat game trailers at so it's lookin' a little grim for the PSP. But we shall see. What do you think?

I think that, price allowing, I'll end up getting both, to be honest. On the other hand, if I had to decide between the two, I am compelled to admit that despite the alleged music and DVD abilities of the PSP, my shameless Nintendowhoring would likely compel me to pick up an NDS.

Eat sex!

Dear Andrew,

First, new Zelda look: good. Celda look: good. Idealistically everyone should be happy now that we have old-school as well as innovation, yet I've seen tons of whining. For me, this combined with an all-new GBA adventure is enough goodness to make me... do something.

Eat some spinach, perhaps? I hear the iron helps you play!

With the talk of FF7AC, I was wondering if you think, as I do, that FF7 had a sadly [for me] huge role in mature content in RPGs, with Barret's barrage of cusswords and Tifa's figure being a sharp change from the SNES FF's, on top of FF7's huge success that established the series as a huge contender in the U.S. market. Most recently, I've taken back La Pucelle Tactics immediately after purchase, noticing the descriptors for "Crude Humor" and "Mature Sexual Themes", and am disgruntled to find my ordered-brand-new-for-$15 copy of BoF: Dragon Quarter to come equipped with a "partial nudity" descriptor. I only need to mention the name of FFX-2. This may not be an issue for most people, but as a Christian and as a male (and thus more visually oriented in the sexual struggles), this kind of stuff is a difficulty for me and I find it only growing worse. It is disgruntling, as I don't mind crossing a few cuss words or violence, but sexual sin really is every man's battle. Many games have showed that they do not have to have sexual content to have engrossing gameplay (Mario & Luigi, Golden Sun, Fire Emblem) or a deep, epic storyline (Final Fantasy Tactics, Suikoden). Have you given much thought to this constantly-worsening trend in RPGs, or disregarded it as something that comes with the maturation of video games?

Okay, well... You're not going to like this answer, but I'm nothing if not honest, so here goes. I think that it's utterly ridiculous that you would return La Pucelle Tactics on the basis of a label warning of Crude Humor and Mature Sexual Themes. I can understand your stance in not wanting to support such material, but on the other hand, I disagree with it entirely. Ignoring the existence of crude humour and mature sexual themes won't make them go away, no matter how hard you try, and missing out on great games like Breath of Fire V based upon an entirely erroneous warning of partial nudity is only causing you to lose out on some fantastic, enjoyable material. If the crude humour and mature sexual themes present in La Pucelle are similar to those present in Disgaea, there's really nothing that would present a challenge to your manly sexual struggles, unless you find cartoon characters extremely titillating, and the closest thing to nudity in Breath of Fire V is when Ryu is shirtless putting on his uniform, or perhaps when Nina is, for about ten seconds, in the laboratory.

Again, I don't presume to try and change your moral stance, but I think if your battle with sexual sin is so very difficult for you at this point, you're only going to cause yourself needless grief throughout the rest of your life trying to avoid and ignore and convince yourself not to act in the manner in which nature has hardwired you to. I understand that the religious justification for this struggle is that pain makes you grow in spirituality, but honestly, I don't buy that argument. The church has many potential reasons for wanting people to enter into chaste, monogamous relationships (chief among them the fact that it provides them with a means of control, marriage) and I just don't think that scientific and natural evidence suggesting that biologically, our sexual desires are a particularly overriding influence on our overall perception of things, can be ignored. Certainly, I would never go into the street and start forcing myself upon women, and I will agree that sex is used irresponsibly by the media to sell ideas and products, but I think that ignoring sexuality is neither healthy nor productive, and the extent to which it exists in games is such that I am not terribly alarmed, since most of the racier stuff just shows up in lousy fanfics, which are so bad that I'd never want to read them anyway.

So quite frankly, I think you're wasting your time and causing yourself needless grief, but hey, if it gets you closer to God, all the more power to you.

On an entirely unrelated note, DS vs. PSP? I ask this in two ways. First, which do you see being more successful? I see that PSP could easily dive in and take over based off PS2's success and the familiar titles, but the price tag will matter quite a bit I think. On the other hand, Nintendo does dominate handhelds at the moment, and the DS has backwards capability even if the touch-screen thing ends up sucking. The other way is: regardless of success, which do you personally look forward to, and which do you plan to buy if/when you can? For me, the innovation of the DS, combined with classic nintendo franchises and Square Enix support is enough.

That's all for now.

God bless,


Like I said before, both ideally, but if I end up being unable to afford that, then NDS all the way.

Personally, I don't know WHAT you see in that wretched thing... It's scoopy rubbish, if you ask me.

I didn't...

You were thinking it!

Unfit for Print!


Hey Andrew,

Man, I've seen this flash movie awhile ago and I can't get this song out of my head. It's just so, well, I guess addicting?

Everyone should go and see this flash movie. It's awesome, but don't blame me if this song gets stuck in your head and stays there.

Anyways, I am so extremely bored, yet I am too lazy to start a new character on any of the games I like, due to the fact that you have to go through atleast 5 - 15 minutes of storyline in the beggining before the game actually really starts(unless I decide to play some older RPG's yet even most of them have a decent amount of story in the beggining).

So, if anyone has AOL Yahoo or MSN instant messengers(preferably MSN because I rarely use the others,) add me at or kupomogli for AOL and Yahoo, and talk to me about stuff, because I'm so bored.


-andrew- -kupomogli-

Yes, if you want to be messaged constantly about things you don't want to talk about, kupo's your man!

Bonus photo spectacular

A picture is worth a thousand words:

Thanks for sharing, Elranzer.


And so, as the fifth letter sneaks in under the wire, we come to this. Our topic for tomorrow will be Derek's concern - sexual themes in RPGs. Do they put you off? Draw you in? Crank your whistle, blow your steam, or just generally make you wonder what happened to the less racy days of Final Fantasy IV, when there was just a porno mag lying around and some sexah underage romance explained away by alternate timelines? I know that a thousand Rydia fanboys will write in tomorrow to chastise me for hyperbole, but I think it's an interesting question nonetheless - has sex always been a part of RPGs, or is it just more noticeable now that characters are polygons instead of sprites? Talk to me, I need words to live!
Andrew Long is lucky there's a Family Guy.




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