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Taru No More

Andrew Long - May 14, '04 - 11:58 EDT

WELL, I ORIGINALLY STARTED THIS COLUMN last night bragging in equal parts about my newly ended addiction to FFXI and my fabulously boring moving trip, but then something highly unsettling happened. You see, as I sat here in my newly arrived stink chair, which is loads more comfortable than the old wood chairs but has the funk of a thousand sweaty summer days soaked into its nasty fabric surface, some sex-crazed june bugs copulated their merry way through my gaping window and onto my kitchen floor, where they proceeded to buzz about in a most disconcerting fashion.

Now, I'm no country boy bug-loving entomology superhero, and so my natural response to this highly distressing turn of events was to dash upstairs and hide in my room, leaving senor column lamentably untended, and the bugs free to do their dirty deed. I had also, however, left some rather compromising things kicking around on my desktop (let's call them my own personal "Laharl's pictures" for the sake of imagination), and so I had to come back downstairs to uh... uncompromise them, at which point I discovered the source of my blind terror was in fact just a couple of nymphomaniac bugs in heat. My natural response? Murderous rage, of course. Thus it was that my randomly appropriated Introductory Mathematical Analysis textbook became a powerful tool of crushing, and the universe was saved. I was still too tired to finish the column, though.



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The kupomogli LJ

Mommy, Where Do Chocobos Come From?

What level is Shoe? 38
Stupid bugs
I hate them so much

RPGamer would like to make the following correction: Googleshng is not, in fact, a mule named Sneaky G.

I was reading what Kupomogli had to say about La Pucelle, and it sounded like he thought it should've been an improvement on Disgaea. (Although, I might've just read his letter wrong) Well, that would be nice and all, but impossible due to the fact that Disgaea was created after La Pucelle. Disgaea was just published in America first and due to the success of Disgaea they decided to bring La Pucelle over too.

The Sludge Factory

Thanks for sharing, sludgemobile. Fortunately for everyone, there are so many people on this wonderful crap factory we call the internet who are impossibly correct that this question was already answered sixteen dozen times in Monday's column, or at least it would have been if Sneaky G. ever printed more than four letters anymore.

And after getting three letters like this a day, I can see why he doesn't!

Hey Andrew,

The only RPG everyone has been talking about but has failed to mention(today after it was previously mentioned) that the characters themselves don't gain levels is Chrono Cross.

But also, even though I don't consider Evergrace and Forever Kingdom RPG's, this site classifies the games as them, although they are action/adventure games. You're characters do not gain levels, and gain more strength and everything by equipping different weapons and armor(except for the first one which you can gain some stats as well by using this fruit).

Another RPG that you don't gain levels is Unlimited SaGa, you gain stats depending on the abilities you equip, except for HP which you gain by having a character in atleast a single battle in each mission. And actually, scratch that, because you don't gain levels in any of the SaGa games except the third one for the GB, but randomly gain stats after battle.

Which brings us to the most pathetic RPG ever besides Star Ocean: the Second Story, which is Final Fantasy 2. You don't gain levels, but, like in the SaGa games, gain your stats after battle depending on what you did(of course since the SaGa games are spinoff's to FF2).

On Front Mission 3(and can't remember if the first and second(NOT THE SNES ONE) gain levels or not) the characters don't level up either. You get experience in order for your characters to become better with the weapons they use, yes, but that's about it. The exp doesn't go towards any stats, which is done by raising the power of your wanzers.

Final Game I can think of right now is Vagrant Story, you dont gain levels, but(I don't remember but I think you don't and I don't want to play the game again to refresh my memory because it sucks) you gain stats only by killing bosses in which you then get bonus', or using items that raise your stats, which you find lying around everywhere.

So yeah, there are actually a few RPG's that characters don't gain levels, in which there are other ways to raise their stats in each of them, yet if you asked for an RPG that you couldn't raise character stats and they stayed a single number the entire game(unless for equipping weapons and armor), the only one that you could find would be Forever Kingdom(which isn't an RPG, so that basically tells everyone their is none).

-andrew- -kupomogli-

I stand in awe of your pointless listing skills. Please, continue to enlighten me with your half-baked talents, for this column would be a bleaker place indeed without your inane efforts to enlighten us all in the ways of damnfoolery.

Over the microwave and down the freeway, to LA we go!

::Emerges with glazed over eyes::

E3 Phone Home... I mean, hey, Kestromel.

Ah, so much info, so little time to take it all in. Let's start with the Kingdom Hearts stuff... looks like a GBA rehash of the original, plus a... card battle system? Seriously, is this the new RPG trend, putting cards into every system? I mean, Castlevania:COTM, Phantasy Star Online, even FFXI has that Tetra Master crap from FF9... has Yu-Gi-Oh finally corrupted our youth? GAAAAHHH!!!

Second, a non-RPG... Metroid Prime 2. I saw the trailer on the nintendo website, it had a scene with split 4-player action. I could see wonderful things happening with a VS mode, though Co-op would be no less fun. Opinions?

Being a Metroid purist, I must firmly dismiss this idea as craptacular, because Samus was meant to be alone, not fighting against bonus Samuses clad in slightly differently coloured jumpsuits... I mean, armour.

Finally, a tool-related question for Folding Tool Heavy Duty: Is it true that if we grind you up into fine powder, mix it with Ovaltine, and drink the solution, you become omnipotent? I'd really like to know.

Silly boy! I come from Britain, where everyone is omnipotent!

Eh, I have more to say, but the e-mail's dragged on for to long, So until next time, Kandrel. And keep watching the skiiiis!

"ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring BANANA PHOOOONE!" Now YOU have the song stuck in your head! I'm free! MWEHEHEEEE!!!!

You know, you could have left me something to answer after you made me drag out Folding Tool Heavy Duty... I'm very put out with you.

Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't realize my nametag said cross-continent gofer

I need Legend of Mana i played it about 3 years ago and ive been looking for it ever since where can i find it so i can fineley play it agen!!!! I live in the Vancover area (thats in B.C.) and a web site that i could order it from would be great


Much as I enjoy the prospect of mining through the Vancouver yellow pages on your behalf, I think I'll leave that exciting task to you, since a) I have no easy access to said yellow pages, b) I really don't like looking through yellow pages when I can avoid it, and c) if you've reached the age where you can type mangled english into this here computer machine, you've reached the age when you can master the fine arts of "Flipping through the phone book", "Walking around town looking for a game shop" and "Using search engines." Still, I'm not wholly without heart, so I will tell you that at this moment, it appears LoM is going for between $15 and $25 US on eBay. Happy hunting!

Damn right I have sexy orange pants...


It would seem that our conversing into the unknown has left us in heap of debt, due to those extra mini bars.. Since I promised to, I will now dedicate this whole letter to your orange parachute pants, and the people who love them. Well, mainly me, but you get the idea. I would pick on you about them, but I have to admit...I have green parachute pants.. Yes, let us announce it to the world!! We have odd-colored parachute pants!! FFXII battle system sounds quite interesting, and of course we can talk about "Dear Friends" some more too. Maybe some of FFVII:AC since that beautiful trailer they updated on the official site? So many topics, but I'm sure we'll talk about pants tomorrow.

My sweet pantaloons,

O' Shrouded One

But you only talked about pants today, so really, what's left to say? Come on, you know you want to go on about these other fantastic topics, because frankly, my orange pants will remain unsexy until they can be fixed, which can only happen during the exotic festival of the knitted hoop, which my mom only goes to at needlepoint.

Why, strike me blind if it isn't my good friend Carl!

Why? Why oh why must they hurt me so? I have had a good grudge against video game companies ever since Final Fantasy VIII. Why, you might ask? Because that game marked the start ( for me! I'm painfully aware that it had been featured in many games even before that) of Rpgs forcing you to play bland and boring to "experience the game to it's fullest". Granted, the game's role was severly diminished in FF IX and non-existant in FF X but I do despise them heavily anyway. I simply aren't that fond of card games to begin with. Especially not those Magic:the gathering/Pokemon type of card games. And above all not in my video games. Now for the question; when's Shadow hearts 2... Just kidding. Just in; the nightmare scenario. Square Enix announces that they will finally make the long awaited Chrono Break. It will be a MMORPG featuring card battles, tons of j-pop, fully customizable characters(all with blue hair), no story or history to be bothered by for just 29.95 a month and ,best of all it's being devoloped for use on cell phones with only a gba necessary to see your stats and the new psp to be able to use your inventory. Sounds like a treat, right.

Just rousing things up a bit again
Carl Greder

So, from what I gather, you hate minigames? Good on you, except you've picked the one type of minigame that I like to hate, which makes me sad because even though I could launch into a tiradical diatribe about how very evil you are, I don't think you're trying hard enough to stir things up. So, Carl, I'm sending you back to the drawing board with the hopes that you will try harder and come up with a better way to get under my skin for tomorrow. You have... 24 hours!

Unfit for Print

I was wondering where you guys found some of the various trinkets and such for different video games and if you know where it would be possible to order at least some of these items (in particular the Legend of Mana items). Thanks for your time.

Nathaniel Wong

You know those house elves in Harry Potter? We have a whole stable full of 'em in the backyard. Among other things, they help to maintain the staff cactus, keep sabin away from the grape juice, tend Brad's monkeys, and hold Thor in reserve for those random occasions when somebody persuades him to come back and guest host for a day. They also score us truly monumental heaps of swag!

Actually, most swag comes from one of two sources: promotions a la Working Designs, or trade shows. Therefore, you must either throw pile after pile of money into the gaping maw of Vic Ireland, or murder a few of our house elves. Happy hunting!


Well, I hate to rush, but I'm playing hockey today, so them's the breaks. Yes, hockey supercedes all else in my little universe, and so it is that I leave you with this half-baked topic: Zelda's new look: good or bad?
Andrew Long fakes and he shoots and he SCOOOOORES!



Or, as Bob Cole might say, "scure!"

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