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Holy Crap, Lions!

Andrew Long - April 3 '04- 14:29 Eastern Standard Time

SO ANYWAY, it's almost playoff time in the NHL, and during the playoffs, my brain has been known to convert itself into a blue-and-white themed puddle of mulch which revolves entirely around the Maple Leafs somehow managing to win 16 out of a maximum 28 games, something which has thus far escaped them over the past 37 years (except for all those years when there were only two or three rounds in the playoffs, when they failed to win as few as eight games). Yeah, it's not Chicago Cubs fandom, but hey, a couple of generations amounts to almost the same thing. Anyhow, I'm just explaining in advance that my capacity for rational thought will hereby expire henceforth until June or so, when this ridiculously drawn out playoffs comes to an end.

I guess the main reason I mention this is also to excuse away my miserable failure to properly link my column to index yesterday, for which I should be flayed, especially since I went and distended that particular portion of our page so pregnantly. To make a long story short, I had a stabbing headache yesterday and was unable to do much other than lie on the couch, so that's about the last prong of my excusemaking trifecta. Let's proceed to the main race (and ignore that I really only made two excuses!) Oh, and as an added bonus, I have retained all non-Zelda related letters from yesterday.



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Since when have you had a car? Unless of course you decided to go out and get your lisence between Sept. and now. As far as your AFD shenanigans go, there, there, every day is AFD when you're around. Laughter, jokes, innocent bystanders made into a delicious pie as they are lowered into a pit of lava. No worries there, bub. I do have a little news for you, I've decided to go to OCAD for college. Not because of you, per say, but because I'm a terribly auspicious man who has needs and wants that little old two-barn-town can't deliver. And by delivery, if it's not there in 10 mins. you get a free picture of Shroudie. I take it you're now infatuated with Warcraft III: Army Badgers from Space, huh? According to my research, by taking I-90 W 45 km, and then directly heading towards the direction of the sun, you'll get to Mexico by sundown. Now everyone knows that Mexico sells the best mineral salts for your tea, so you'll have to beat back the crowd with that human leg hidden under your bed. Now let me in before the damp, dampness causes me to shiver and be all cold-like.


O' Shrouded One

OCAD? The school whose architect decided that a giant shoebox supported by paintbrushes was a good design concept? But... That's less than fifteen minutes from where I live! Clearly, I must uproot and flee before it's too late. Or at least, stick around and show you around town, since i'll probably still be completing my three-year program by the time you get here. Also, Kitsune says "hi".

Yes, funny...


Funny thing, I noticed that two of your e-mails were in response to a mistake. If you did more mistakes, you might have a busier column!

Yeah, but then I'd look like a big idiot.

Don't even say it... Besides, I maintain that it wasn't a mistake, since technically falling through the back of Ganon's room could be construed as jumping.

So, I've been looking at Paper Mario 2 stuff. While I admit, what I see is AWESOME. I am a wee dissapointed. The beauty of the so-called Mario RPG series is that each game was unique in that is had a different developor and had little to do with the previous. However, PM2 is going to be like a direct sequel to the first game, which is odd. What are your thoughts?

-Masamune (I couldn't find the Undead and the Alliance... ;_;)

My thoughts are that one FF development philosophy is quite enough for me. I have faith that however closely related the development staff and naming may be, Nintendo will make sure it's good, because let's face it - Nintendo doesn't put its name on very many bad games. As to what I think about it, well - I think it looks pretty good, and having never played the original Paper Mario, any incidental similarities between the two won't be too noticeable for me. Most of all, though, I'm glad it didn't turn out to be an AFD joke. Speaking of which, I guess I should whip some newsies into action, since they released those screens yesterday and all. Now where's my cat-o'-nine-tails...?

Whip it... Licorice whip!

::Emerges with a rolled-up strategy guide. For beatings::

Castiavelli! So, you fancy yourself a strategy guide now? May Brady Games smother you with 1,000 Runes of Smelling Really Bad!

Anywhat, let us talk of the Squarenix merger, for now that so much time has passed, I can form a good opinion on the whole thing. And that is: it resulted in inferior games.

Case in point: the Final Fantasys. Square gave us FFX and FFTactics. Squarenix gave us FFX-2 and FFTactics Advance. While the sequels are still enjoyable, their lack of story made me run back to the originals.

Of course, some good will come of it. Looking at the screenshots of Dragon Warrior 8, it looks like Square convinced Enix to do something different. While I loved the whole DW series, the changes intregue me so.

Anythat, what's your opinion?

The average April Fools' joke contains 3g of fat and 250 calories. Please use sparingly.

I opine that while Enix's crappy interface design and lack of attention to graphics has a certain Luddite charm, it's high time the series modernized just a little, because quite frankly I shouldn't have to push an extra button to go down stairs when Final Fantasy innovated that into the stone age seventeen years ago. Also, I found a spelling error in Dragon Warrior VII. Rico and Doug spelled "of" backwards. Uweehehehe!


::Lunges at whoever's closest::

Castiavilla! It's Mr. giantupmybutt! How you bez? We deserve a break! Eating pudding with a spoon!

If you recognize both quotes, you need to get out more.

Anywhy, April Fools is upon us! I am saddened by the lack of fake reviews. I should have written one, who cares if I'm a summon/eidolon/GF/cute thing?

Just for ha has, what was your all-time favorite April Fools thing done on this site?

Oh, and... um, when's Shadow Hearts 2 coming out? (Sorry, couldn't resist! ^_^; )

Ted Woolsey makes me cry ;_;

It's hard to say, but since I was involved and all, and I am an egotistical maniac, I'll have to go with our mildly convincing Chrono Break scam of yesteryear, which I kind of gave away by photoshopping admiral Ackbar's head onto a FFXI tonberry.

Mmm... French toast... What a coincidence

Hey hey! Ever notice how here in the Great White North some RPGs come with French instruction booklets? Even when the game itself isn't in French? You have to wonder how much someone is going to get out of a game that's entirely in English if they can't even understand enough English to read the instructions. Now that I think about it, why do the instructions have to be in French, but the game doesn't? And why don't ALL games you buy in Canada have the French instructions? Lousy useless second official language, screwing everything up. No, seriously, it's useless. All it does is mess up the packaging of food products because they have to write everything twice and make us the butt of stupid American jokes. And how many French-speaking people do YOU know who don't know enough English to read the back of a cereal box? Me neither.

Hmm, that went off-topic rather quickly. Anyway, do you have a favorite underappreciated RPG? Mine's Okage. The first RPG for the PS2, it was quickly forgotten after the advent of higher-profile titles like FFX. Still, it had a fun, quirky art style, lots of humour, and a story that got surprisingly deep near the end.

Keep up the great work, and say hi to Shroudie for me. I want an invitation to the wedding!


Actually, I'm pretty sure that outside of Montreal and Quebec City, there's a lot of people in Quebec who can't speak English at all, but I have to agree that I will forever hate the instruction manual thing thanks to the delay it caused in my getting Final Fantasy IX. My favorite underappreciated RPG would have to be Breath of Fire V, which gets a lot of respect, but not as much as it deserves. I really think that game should have been the bestseller last year, but it got eclipsed quickly by other, more high-profile games.


And so, with my window of sanity melting to a scant six to seven hours, I bid you farewell. For tomorrow, I wouldn't mind talking about Paper Mario, but feel no obligation - I'm still leaving the topic open, since it seems to bring much more delicious randomness. And now, to somehow convince my dad to stop watching NASCAR before it eats his soul...
Andrew Long likes F-1 racing, dammit!



Although that Schumacher shyster could stand to learn a lesson or two...

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