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Baby, She'd Got the Bloat January 21, 2005

Andrew Long - 23:03 EST

I HAVE CONCLUDED that the English language reached its peak in 1936, when the Depression reached its height and people were sitting around inventing folksy expressions since there was nothing else to do. I say this because a book I'm reading, which is a collection of various tales of woe from Canadians far and wide during those years, contains some of the greatest rambling anecdotes I've ever heard. Like the one about the bloat, for example. I quote: "She'd got the bloat--they swell up horribly and you have to puncture their stomach to get the gas out--and they hadn't found her until too late."

You'd think that would be the best part of the story, but no! This person's parents, instead of telling their child the chilling truth (namely that Baby had been converted into Baby Stroganoff) opted to tell her that her horse had exploded instead. I mean, it's pretty horrifying to eat your pet, granted, but I somehow don't think that the image of a horse with its stomach burst is very much more comforting.

Anyhow, there are others, but that one's my favorite, and that's my story, and for that, you owe me a drink.

The Ol' Chestnut barrel

While I myself am not very Christian, if at all, I do believe that the Christianity aspect of FF7 is not so far-fetched. Many people are quick to pass this idea off, especially video gamers (let's face it, they aren't generally very religious people, though there are exceptions). However, if you look at the facts, it isn't so hard to believe. The Bible is not just important for Christians to know--in fact, it is the most alluded to book in literature. Thus, it makes plenty of sense that these allusions to Christianity in FF7 are in fact to the Bible. This is not to mean it is a Christian game--rather, it is just showing how parts of the game are analogous to those in the Bible. This is also evident if you look at a game developed in the same time period as FF7: Xenogears. Xenogears has many blatant references to the Bible in it. It's not a game about Christianity, (in fact, the ideas are more gnostic than anything) but since the Bible is such a widely read work, not only by Christians but also by many Language students, it makes plenty of sense to allude to it in any game. I don't believe Aeris is meant to represent Jesus, but she does have similarities to him. By alluding to the Bible, the story gets more credibility as a work of literature, rather than just a story for a game.

I gotta tell you, I really don't buy it. Pretty much the only similarity I see is that they both died. And I guess if you're really desperate, they're both really nice characters. Beyond that, any comparison is clutching at straws. Certainly, a great deal of modern literature can be traced back to the Bible, but that's modern Western literature, and the plot for FFVII, garbled though the version we received of it was, was written in an eastern tradition - where as you point out, it might make more sense for something like gnosticism to show up, since it is far more compatible with eastern traditions that preach the misery of existence and all that jazz. Square has never seemed particularly interested in throwing junk in to appease American sensibilities, so I can't imagine that Aeris had any Biblical significance, intended or otherwise.

Anyways, now that that's over, and to not make myself look like an answer whore, a question; I was under the impression that the battle system for FFXII was more like FFX-2 than FFXI, as FFXI is such a team based battle system it would be almost impossible to bring over to a single player game. By FFX-2, I just mean more fast-paced and real-time. FFX-2, while having probably one of if not the worst story in any game I've ever played, had an undeniably fun battle system, even when one didn't change jobs mid-battle. So I was just wondering which the battle system of FFXII was supposed to resemble more.

~Kevin Coletta


I've heard XI, simply because of the mechanics; apparently, it follows the ol ' "click-on-it-and-then-you-attack-automatically-till-it-dies" pattern that MMORPGamers know and love. Needless to say, that doesn't thrill me, although I've grown used to it in the month or so I've been playing WoW. Either way, I've heard nasty things about FFX-2 too, so even that possibility doesn't exactly fill my heart with desire, or my wallet with preorder slips.

You mean an expression with styyyyle


I was just wondering that I heard since piracy is so common in China that most companies do not release systems since they will only lose money off it.. I heard from the grape vine (wow thats a dumb expression) that ninetndo released a console in which you connect to the internet and download games. Any thruth to this?



I'm not sure what this thruth you speak of is, but the rumours are definitely true. According to this little number, gamers will be able to download such cutting edge titles as Super Mario Bros, and coming soon, Super Mario Bros 2! The console will sell for around fifty euros, with games going at about five euros a pop, so really, Chinese gamers will be getting Nintendo's rereleases cheaper than we do in North America! So if you're around my age, cost-conscious(plane tickets and human smuggling fees notwithstanding), and looking to relive your childhood, look no further than China; it's the place to be!


I have a slight problem. I have no idea what kind of game I like. I could give you a list of the games that completely took over my life while I was playing them (FF VII, DDR, Tales of Destiny, Megaman Legends, Half-Life 2, Megaman 2, Zelda: LttP), but they don't narrow down much of anything. Except maybe that I'm a raving lunatic. o_O FF XI was fun for awhile, but the tedious level-grinding got to me after awhile. World of Warcraft was good too... for half a month until I realized it was back to the grind. Any recommendations/advice from a fellow RPGamer?


Well, you have one of two options at this point. You can either go back and replay each of the games on your list until you're old and grey, or you can stop playing MMORPGs and get back to real games and remember why you liked gaming in the first place. Trust me - it's a worthwhile endeavour; I recommend you start out with something Mario RPG-based for added zip.

This just in: Brad and Jen Hate You!

Hi Cast/Goog/Special guest

Ok since Cast mentioned FullMetal Alchemist, I was wondering do you think Square will follow the overused plot device and have Ed and Al's long lost father be evil and may haps even the final boss??

Just wondering because me and my girlfriend had a debate about that, she says he is lost/captured/dead, I say Alchemy corrupted him and turned him evil so what say ye?

Arros Raikou


Speculating about games I know nothing about? Sure, why not! Heck, I'll take your evil father, and I'll raise you a loveable puffball that you come to adore throughout your adventure that gets KILLED by that evil father, just because vilification is all about killing the cuddly. Oh, and destroying the universe? That's totally badass, so I bet he makes it a goal too!

Unfit for Print

could you stop being so racist in your Q&A column? my wife is an African American and we read your article on a daily basis. We are appalled by your lack of consideration for the minorty readers of how do you get the magic mirror on zelda 2?

christian pete


You're right, Christian Pete, I do discriminate against readers of this column, and worse still, I do it all the time. You see, I'm deeply prejudiced against idiots, morons, and stupid sacks of crap of all races, colours, and creeds, and you're obviously well-qualified for inclusion in that group; herego, you can go screw yourself, or perhaps your awful wife, and find that mirror all by your lonesome.

And for pity's sake, get the site's name right next time.


I apologize for cutting things short, but a)I'm tired, and b)random accusations tend to sour my mood for some reason that I can't quite put my finger on. For tomorrow, it looks like the hot thing on the internet right now is dissing Blizzard for daring to provide gamers with an online title, so any thoughts on that little situation would be welcome. Personally, I like my little low-population server just fine, and we've even got a good balance of Horde-Alliance, unlike that unfortunate server where the Gnome King got himself whacked.

Until tomorrow, then...
Andrew Long is invisble, is invisible, is invisible...

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