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Bizarre Milkshake Barrage

Andrew Long - March 26 '04- 1:44 Eastern Standard Time

IT IS MY SAD DUTY TO REPORT THAT I AM wholly, officially, and without a doubt hooked on Final Fantasy XI now, a mere three months and forty bucks after the fact. Yes, I regret all that wasted time, but let's be honest - you can't really play MMORPGs from a hospital bed, and anyhow, it's not like I didn't do other, more worthy things, like ditch school and watch an episode of Biography. Now, however, I hover on the brink of doom, my will to resist being maintained only by my extraordinary powers of procrastination. I know I should stop myself, just like I should cancel that content ID for Tetra Master, which I never play, but something holds me back each time. Maybe it's the prospect of actually enjoying an MMORPG, something I thought I'd never do, maybe I just like pissing money away every month, which would certainly gain some credence in view of my financial situation, but whatever the case, I'm caught in the balance.

I think the key to breaking this vicious cycle is becoming addicted to another, more powerful narcotic before this one takes hold. As such, if anyone has some sort of way into the WoW beta, I can provide a faithful mule of some sort to retrieve newer and more potent MMORPG smack, for I will surely be devoured by FFXI otherwise.

On a brighter note, the temperature crept above 10 degrees today, and the Leafs won, so I'm positively bubbly at the moment. And by bubbly, I mean filled with gas.



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I wonder what would happen
If I listed spammer's email addresses here
Would crawlers pick them up
And send spam to the spammers?
Only one way to find out
Yep... Only one way

Unfit for Print

Hey, Castomel!

I have a question for all the summer lovers!
I thought that Dragon Quest III introduced the equipment of bathing suits as armor. Should a bathing suit be considered armor or an accessory?

You sent me this exact same letter several weeks ago and I told you that I hated you. Isn't once enough? Oh, that's right... You sent the letter twice this time. Evidently, you like things in pairs, so to satisfy your lust for duality: I hate you. I suppose the proper dualistic response would be to profess undying love, but let's face it - I'm a lousy student of philosophy and a lousier student of fashion, so you're going to have to settle for what you can get.

The GI Joe Lesson of the Day

I recently bought the game EverQuest Online Adventures it did not come with a account key is there any way to get one? If so how do I get it?

Well, first you have to construct a molotov cocktail using the instruction manual so that you can blow up the flea market where you bought it, because if it didn't come with an account key, you obviously a) bought it at a dodgy flea market, b) are a dumbass trying to scam me out of a CD key, which isn't going to work, or c)don't have the sense to look inside the CD case, behind the disc. If in fact your account key isn't back there, then I hope you've learned a valuable lesson - don't buy crap from the guy in the mumu selling watches on Fourth and Main, because who trusts a guy in a mumu, anyway?

rudy returns... and he's off his Ritalin!

As I went through some of your letters from last week I noticed one of them talking about Working Designs and E3 and since I was at E3 last time Working Designs was there I thought I'd share a fun story about my last day at E3, which strangely enough was mostly spent at the Nintendo booth and the Working Designs booth. So I start my day off by eating and showering and whatnot like normal then my friend, whom we will from this point on refer to as Bob, and I walked from our hotel to the convention center and sat in line to get in for a good while (and at the front of the line I might add). About 10 minutes before the doors were supposed to open this short skinny guy comes out and explains to us that when he opens the doors we are not supposed to run and trample over people. So of course when the doors opened up the man was trampled and later on that day I saw him wearing bandages or something around his legs. Anyways Bob ran straight for the line at the Nintendo booth because that was the place to be that year since they were giving away free Platinum Game Boy Advances. I on the other hand casually walked to the line and jumped him then made fun of him for letting me jump him. Anyways we sat in line for about 1 hour 45 minutes. Yeah and we were near the begining of the thing. From what I was told once the line cooled down it was an estimated 3 1/2 to 4 hour wait. In any case as we were sitting in line I joked around about how it would be really funny if seeing as how I had just jumped him in line I ended up winning the grand prize of a GBA and he ended up winning the runner up prize of a Stuffed Kirby Plushe. Which is exactly the opposite of how we wanted the prizes. When we finally got up to the thing and were made fun of by Wario for awhile the lady spun this big wheel thing and it just so happened that the GBA landed at me and the Kirby landed at my friend. Needless to say my friend was pissed and so I traded him my old GBA for the Kirby and e nded up ahead I think... And well after all those shinanigans ended we went to go meet some random person I had just meet a few days earlier at the Working Designs booth. And from here on out we will call her Miki. Anyways I stumble across Miki in the Working Designs Booth Flashing (yeah in more ways than one) her Nall and Ruby tattoos that were casually placed in various dirty places. In any case I talked to her for a little while and then they (random Working Designs people) set up this "Claw Game" thing where you could win either a crappy looking Goemon plushe (which there were billions of) or one of 4 randomly thrown towards the sides where you couldn't get to them Nall Plushes. So I spent the entire rest of the day going through that line trying to win a Nall plushe. Sadly I only won hundreds of Goemon plushes which I in turn used to "buy" my way into middle parts of the line over and over. Also somewhere in there I was stuck at the end of the time and managed to almost escape out of the area with one of their super cool Growlanser ummm Poster like things. Only they wern't so much posters and I originally thought. After I managed to force the glass door thing open I quickly discovered that it was actually a very large and heavy piece of plastic that was very difficult to try and run off with. In any case at the end of the day I still had no Nall Plushe or Large Plastic Growlanser thing. Which isn't where this story ends. Oh no. I actually ended up becoming good friends with Miki and later found out that shortly after she flashed Victor Ireland he gave her a Nall Plushe. Which is where my story now ends. Which also makes me sad.... Ohhhhh what a world what a world.


Oh, rudyxx, will you ever win?

Wait a minute... You became friends with a flash-happy E3 booth babe? Stop your whining! You walked away with the best plushie of all... And by that, of course, I mean her plush, plush brain, and the concomitant years of soft, squeezable friendship it will bring!

Shroudie throws prinnies too


Can life really be full of happiness when your hand is discombovulated? See, to end a perfectly delectable week, my right hand is in much pain and suffering, while my caressible virus seems to have taken a relevance to my throat and head type special place. I don't know about you, (well I already do, so sue me) but feeling all abominable is not very entertaining in the least. To comfort me in this dire, dire time of need, I have been issued sweet, happy drugs with only goals that make my mind into a seething mess of euphoric goodness. One would think, correct? Sadly, they seem to have an opposite effect in retrieving more sickly-ness to overcome me. Blizzard? Beta? What is such madness, and when will it all end? AHHHHH!!! Sadly, little Billy wasn't able to be substituted for the baked ham. In less than 5 minutes, he was sold on ebay.


O' Shrouded One

Err... Are you sure you aren't feverish? Because stalker-to-stalkee infections are on the rise, and my yearly limit for fevers is zero.

In Ultemecia's castle, what is the three word name of the painting in the art gallery ?

Answer: If I had to go around and touch all those other pictures, you sure as hell have to too.

Nickelodeon was so much better, back in the 80s and early/mid 90s.

-- Hall of Fame Announcer Harry Carey

Thanks for sharing, Hall of Fame Announcer Harry Carey. My only memory of Nickelodeon in the early/mid 90s is this creepy musical our school put on by the same name, which I had to sit through at least twice for some reason. The theme song sounded rather like the theme in Warioland 3, and went "put another nickel in/into that Nickelodeon.." and so on.


Well, it seems everyone wants to bombard me with FAQ-style questions, so for one day only, we shall turn this column into the free lookup emporium you so clearly want it to become. That's right. Stuck in a game? I'll look up the answer for you, cuz you're just that lazy! Don't know how to use the interweb? No fear, I can look up most facts in under a minute! No query will be turned away, however inane, and no letter, however unfit for print, will be scorned as such! Yes, step right up! One day only! Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Well, Saturday, actually, but that just doesn't have zazz, now does it?
Andrew Long is going up against the Incrushinator, so be there, be there, be there...



'Vividarium', 'Intervigilium' and 'Viator'..see? that took me 35 seconds

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