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The Two of Hearts

Andrew Long - February 13 '04- 5:07 Eastern Standard Time

A SLIGHT RELAPSE INTO FEELS LIKE CRAP NOTWITHSTANDING, I bring you this column heedful of the fact that I must watch hockey within an hour. That's right - I don't have the dilemma of girlfriend vs. hockey to deal with on this Valentine's Day Event, which I guess could be counted as an advantage, despite the so obviously many benefits of suffering from said conundrum. As it stands, it doesn't seem to matter anyway - the only person in the spirit of this Hallmark holiday is Shroudie, who has delivered a suitably romantic letter, so I guess i can concentrate upon matters at hand, while still managing a shotgun blast of a paragraph such as this.

At any rate, I think the spam filter has been ratcheted up again, which means it's time to switch to my regular email address until things cool down with our latest virus overlord.




SEND LETTER




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Certainly not the gardener
Lousy drunk...

Emporer Griffin real name




ANDREW
You know, it usually helps if you include a letter once you come up with the topic. Besides, now I can't even call this Unfit for Print.

DONALD TRUMP
You're fired!

ANDREW
Gosh darn I'm current!

More vile importunings


Hello Andrew,

There's something you don't know about Shroudie. He's with another man! Now you may not belive me but he's stalking someone else.His name is Sabin 1001 now take me as your one and only!

The Batman

ANDREW
NEVAR! To be free of stalkers is a dream!


...Oh, right.


Castoblanca,

It seems amid the chaos of mud-wrestling towers, I feel all tingly and Canadian inside. Now since this crate is rather cramped and stuffy, let's start things out all delicious-like. Amore is something that only two hearts that can't be broken experience whil'st gently rowing down the river of life and emotions bundled into one nice pie. Now before I get off track, FFCC's multiplayer adds a special touch to those who hate to dine alone. Granted, I don't own a 'Cube myself, but seeing as though my sister bought her fiance one for Christmas, I'm sure I can convince him to try it out. FFIX's multiplayer action was pretty cool for the most part, but it was only a small part that doesn't really imply the concept of teamwork and cooperation. (well maybe, but I feel like glorifying CC for the moment) FFX-2 would have been interesting in multiplayer with multi-tap. It would be a LOT easier to get successful chain attacks, esspecially during "Trigger Happy". Now since I can see that you're reading while your cat torments you, I should slip some love notes or pictures of me under your door. In the morning I'll make you pancakes in the shape of hearts, and don't mind the trail of conversation hearts on your floor, just follow them into the large cage...

1000 words, 1000 embraces,

O' Shrouded One

ANDREW
Thanks for the card, Shroudie. I refuse to enter your cage, however; there seems to be some sort of wild boar lurking inside, and if I let it out, my mother will never forgive me for the damage it will surely do to her priceless Faberge Egg collection. Remember, boars love eggs.


Final Fantasy Bear and the Final Death


Notice how when main characters die in Final Fantasy games, they usually do so rather lamely. I mean, sure the movie of Seph slicing Areis was cool, but when you think about it, that was only a flesh wound.

I mean during the course of the game, she had been burnt by large balls of fire, had been mowed down with a few heavy machine guns, chewed on my giant gentically created dragons and so on and so on. (yes, I'm rather demanding of my team)

Fortunately, my team always had life magic or pheonix downs handy. Even when we did not have such graces handy, Areis soul was always kind enought to wait until we could either rest to restore our magic, or find a shop that carries pheonixes.

So I guess is if you're going to die in an RPG, do so in an anticlimatic matter so that it won't be a final death. It would be cool to make an RPG where a long movie is shown of the evil bad guy killing one of the main characters. Then as soon as the bad guy leaves, the other good guys give their fallen friend a pheonix down and continue their quest. That is all

Tad Ghostal

ANDREW
It's this exact mindset that results in all those crazy General Leo-Aeris-Auron love triangles that I've heard so much about. Remember, in most games, Phoenix Down cures "swoons" or "ko's" or "NASCAR racing", not death. Granted, these people must have pretty thick skin if machine gun fire and meteors only knock them out, but a magical sword is a magical sword, CLEARLY.


Unfit for Print


hi frank,

how r u ?????? what u bin up 2?????? i know dis sounds stupid but in da fire cavern in ff 9 i set the time to 40mins and still cant find the GF can u help me plz????? My m8 cant find him either. cheers love Scott Lovegrove

xxxxxx

P.S will u be my valentines ?????

FRANK
There are no GFs in FFIX and by the way, you still owe me $200 for fixing that sink. Better pay up or I'll sic my friend Bonesy on you.



DA LAST GRUMBLE

Somehow I'm not feeling the love here. As such, tomorrow will be an open topic day and everything gets printed - even the crap!

castomel@hotmail.com
Andrew Long is grumpy.

I'LL PROVIDE THE ANSWERS, YOU PROVIDE THE

QUESTIONS


and queasy, too!



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