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Shampoo Suicide

Andrew Long - January 21 '04- 14:06 Eastern Standard Time

I'VE WATCHED MORE TV THAN CAN POSSIBLY BE HEALTHY of late, and one thing that has been getting to me is the wide variety of shampoos that each claim to be the saviour of humankind by virtue of their strengthening, root-enriching death cream, which can apparently both stop split ends and cure cancer in faraway Belgium. Now, I'm no expert on Belgian cuisine, but it seems to me that shampoo is just soap with nifty scents composed by those crazy nose characters in New Jersey, which I will now be very hard-pressed to avoid using as the punchline for a joke.

A quick survey of my bathroom has confirmed my worst fears: that "shampoo", as such, no longer exists. The only thing you can find in stores nowadays is "fortifying shampoo" which is, so far as I can tell, shampoo in a more expensive bottle. Far be it for me, a person who has often allowed his hair to become greasy and unkempt (and SEXY! because grease and mess are the top two elements in attracting Swedish supermodels) to claim expertise in the world of shampoo, but when I find myself wishing for more beer commercials, there is a definite problem in the world of advertising.

Perhaps the most alarming part of this trend is the fact that my sister is now divinely convinced that there is such a thing as "men's and women's shampoo". Now, I'm not saying that I want my hair to smell like cherry blossoms at sunset with just a hint of cognac (although I will take the cognac, since I have been sober for a distressing length of time), but there really is no difference, since shampoo freshness only lasts a few hours and anyway, there's always cheap cologne to murder any other scents that may threaten to diminish my manliness in any way.

So anyway, I just thought I'd mention all this crap, because boy, do I want a new game to play. All this TV is... something. My - talk box type can't thing brain...functionbarf. And for all you kids, not only is that a compound word, but if you take out the function part, guess what it smells like?

That's right, New Jersey.



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Notroid the first

::Leaps majestically from... somewhere::

Casty, baby, you look divine!

The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things.

Please don't do that... Before I started, I was thinking of naming this column something relating to that song, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't create deadly coincidences, because they can only lead to Philip K. Dick novels, assuming we dredge him up from the beyond and command him to write once more.

I know you don't want me talking about Metroid, since this is an RPG website, but I felt obligated to bring it up for some reason.

The remake you referred to must be Metroid Zero for the GBA. Either that or the little bonus gained from Metroid Prime if you link Metroid Fusion up to the Gamecube. It (Zero) looks promising, as I have always preferred the side-scrolling, 2D games that have (unfortunately) been replased with sub-par 3D graphics.

Being as how that little bonus is a little over a year old now, I think we can safely assume it was Zero.

Don't get me wrong, Metroid Prime was a good game in and of itself. Unlike its companion Fusion, it gave more freedom in exploration, and the subscreens and databank helped achieve a stylistic feel. However, I thought the first person perspective was very off-putting, especially how you switch to third person in ball mode.

It looks like Zero is the more "traditional" style, which may not be a bad thing. I just hope the game isn't as restrictive as Fusion was in terms of exploration. After all, what's the fun of a spaceship full of parasites if you can't run off on your own and go nuts?

Again, hope you weren't put off with the Metroid thing. *wink wink*

Fair enough, but I'm going to have to disagree with you entirely. While the development team needs to focus on widening Samus's field of view for MP2, or at least making turns a little quicker, I would say that the 3D aspect of Metroid Prime felt perfectly natural to me, while Metroid Fusion seemed like a pale shade of the older Metroid games. I don't know - it's almost as though developers have forgotten how to make good sidescrollers, since 3D tends to eliminate much of the need for creativity. I do respect that the first-person view in MP wasn't pulled off to perfection, but I think that MP is pretty much the only 3D game I've played that manages to do a credible job of replicating the feel of its 2D predecessors.

Notroid the second

Metroid may not be an rpg but it is copnsidered an adventure game and rpgs are all about adventures...

The first Metroid game i played was actually Super Metroid (Metroid III). It was and still is my favorite non-rpg to this day. Super Metroid was so much fun. It had pretty good graphics, awesome weapons and other power ups, wicked monsters to fight and a good storyline.

For all intents and purposes, the same is true for me. I mean, I watched my cousin play the original when I was five or six, but honestly, I had no clue what was going on. Gee, I sure was a dumb kid...

Metroid Prime was also an awsome game (least i think so). When i first heard it was going to be a first person shooter i was a little sketchy about what i thoguht of it. After seeing a few screens i had to admit it did look pretty cool. And i mean, they wouldn't dream of hurting Metroid so it had to be good. After i played it, that confirmed it. I was lucky it was good cause i bought a gamecube on the day it came out JUST so i could play Metroid Prime. To this day i only have 2 more games neither of which i bought (one came with the system, and the other i got for my birthday). Anyway, Metroid Prime was a well done game. They somehow managed to keep the Metroid feel. I think i'm gonna go play some Metroid now!


Yeah, I have to admit I got my GC for Metroid Prime. Since then, though, I've also amassed another eight or nine games, so it wasn't strictly for that.

And then there's LockeZ, just one of 3 akas... see if you can guess the other two!

I heard they are remaking Metroid as an RPG. Isn't that awesome? It's supposed to be basically a cross between Metroid and Zelda 2. Sure, it'll change what was originally a game that required a very challenging amount of actual skill into a dungeon-crawling power-XPing bore, but if it's an RPG, then that's inherently better than any other type of game, right?


You got it, Pontiac! Now go back to Russia, you sarcastic so-and-so.

Oh, well, 3 out of 5 ain't bad

Oh Long One,

So what if I do have big hands?

You may recall my woes in attempting to obtain a Zelda bonus disc. I am pleased to announce that, after some determined efforts, I hold the disc in my hands. Allow me to share my tale of triumph.

After being bounced around the local store reps with no real progress, I was finally advised to contact the Big N directly. Unfortunately, my first attempt to call happened during that big blizzard in Washington, and a recording informed me that "due to weather-related difficulties, the service line was closed." In other words, no one could make it to work through all the snow. Fair enough. I tried again a few days later. This time I got through quickly to a friendly service rep, whereupon I explained I had been under the impression that all Gamecubes came with Zelda Inside, not just the marked ones. He requested the purchasing date and location, along with the bar code and other identifiers for my particular Cube, and was able to verify that Zelda should have been available to me at the time of purchase. And before I know it, he's put in an order for me. About a week later, UPS rolls up to my house and the disc is mine.

My friends, there is still hope.

- ChocoMog ZERO, victorious

Thanks for sharing, CM0. Your story of triumph and glory over the nefarious forces of Nintendo has put starch in my backbone and I will now wait all the more vigilantly for my illicitly obtained copy.

The O'Shrouded Chaser - mix nuts with two shots of vodka and a sprinkle of Clamato


Another day, another letter from Shroudie. The weather has gotten a little warmer. (when I say warmer, I do mean 2 degrees above the last grumblings) It seems that Bush is practicing his State of the Union (which includes finding weapons of mass destruction in his pants), and if he gets his way, then we'll never be able to get married!! Oh wait...we already are!

Aw, crap... So that's what the big hole in my memory from Saturday night was...

Another Metroid, you say? Since Metroid does contain a girl with a whip (well laser, but), you can lie and say that is just a re-re-release of FFIV. If done correctly, the readers will be confused and give in to your craziness. I refuse to but .Hack because of the fact that it does equal a ripoff in many ways. It would make more sense if they sold all four discs under one game. Not only do you have to pay for 4 different games, but it may encourage more patrons, ie. us, to buy them. Who knows tho? I've changed my mind before, Septerra Core, so when I have shiny shinys, I might just buy at least the first one. Oh well, my computer's a bitch, and I can't get in to update those pictures of you and suchforth.

Drat the luck...

Until tomorrow when the moon rises again from the shadows,

O' Shrouded One

Rent, rent, rent! If you don't, I am SO getting this fake marriage annulled.

do you know how many copies
of the legend of zelda ocarana of time were pre ordered as of 2003?

Well, seeing as how OoT was released in 1998, probably the same as way back then: 325,000, or "the most anticipated game in history", at least until a bunch of other Most Anticipated Games in History arrived on the scene.

Was this
by any chance Lavos's doing or perhaps Gannon's?

Was what? The destruction of your brain, resulting in the mailing of incomprehensible questions? Depending upon how many hours you've spent playing video games over the years, quite possibly!

Hey Andrew,

I was just wondering who sings Real Emotion for the English version of FFX-2.


Why, Yuna, of course! Damn, I'm funny... Seriously though, it was the impostor Yuna, by which I mean Koda Kumi.

Hello Andrew

Please,marry me darling!

The Batman

He's not stupid he's advanced

Sometimes I wonder about you guys... Also, I think Shroudie will tear your head off if you press this issue, and besides - I'm neither a cat nor a woman, so clearly you should have no interest in me.

"Let me assure you: no animals were harmed in the making of this column."

That is certainly the most disappointing thing I have heard in days.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm punching the cat right now. I just can't get enough rageohol!


So wow. FFX-2 has moved 6.6 million copies worldwide, making that graph with FF7 all distended and junk look a lot less distended. For tomorrow, since there's been so very much S-E news about lately, I guess I'll call all you anti-Square people out of the woodwork for your obligatory yowl. If anyone else has a company they particularly dislike, we can also keep it ecumenical. Oh, and I think I was supposed to let Cortney host today and then completely forgot, so get your questions ready for Friday, since she will doubtless extract revenge later this week.
Andrew Long is not a crook!



But I bet I could corrupt a government if I put my mind to it... I mean, if Bush can do it, anyone can!

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