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The Rumours of My Demise...

Andrew Long - January 16 '04- 17:10 Eastern Standard Time

HMM.. I'm not quite sure what brought on the sudden state of emergency surrounding my vanishment / freezation, but despite the fact that my face has only just thawed out from the walk home, I am here. At any rate, that's all in the past now, so we can look forward to a shared future where dolphins and humans coexist peacefully on a motorcycle speedway with a pool in the middle. Also scheduled for the grand peace ceremony will be the Danish synchronized swimming team, a bunch of delicious fruit pastries with bathing suits. I figure if the dolphins choke on those, there's nothing to stop us! NOTHING!

Let me assure you: no animals were harmed in the making of this column.



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Hey Mel,

What I like least about Chrono Cross was how was Lavos was portrayed as essentially a god. Chrono Trigger essentially left the impression (to me anyway) that Lavos was some sort of planet eating creature, one of possibly millions of his/her speicies that roamed the universe absorbing the life out of everything.

Considering that Chrono and company kills Lavos at the end of the game, and all of its offspring, I imagined that they probably saved trillions of sentient lives throughout the galaxy. I wondered how many worlds were liberated by heroes such as them and how many planets and civilizations fell.

Chrono Cross cheapend this feeling for me as did such minimal exposure to the original characters in the game. Imagine how bad ass Chrono would have been as an allie in that game.

In Chrono Trigger, it seemed like the "creator" Robo was referred to was giving humanity one final chance, albiet slim, to reclaim their destiny and correct a mistake made at the dawn of their recorded time (yes, i like the game) Cross did nothing to reinforce this.

Thats my two cents, keep the change.

Tad Ghostal.

P.S. Why weren't there any mystics in the second game? Did the CC game designers even play the first one?

Another good bunch of reasons as to why CC was such an inadequate sequel to CT. You're right when you say that CT showed a pretty bleak future, but throughout that future, there was always that thread of hope, be it the cheesy representation (the seeds growing in the dome) or the fact that the youngest generation in the Zealian royal family recognized the evil of Lavos for what it was. CC, on the other hand, was just a lame save-the-world yarn with a couple of dimensions and dragons. There didn't seem to be the same sense in CC - partially because there was next to zero character development, and partially because the plot didn't make as much sense as CT's, and, as you said, because of the utter short shrift given to the CT gang.

I guess what I'm saying is that Square is teh sucks.

Thanks awfully, Professor Science!

Ok, so I just watched Underworld. Again. It's still horribly done. So, in honor of the cynic that it brought out in me, I present to you the inconsistencies between reality and the world of the people who wrote you letters.

Item the First: 'time travel' and 'dimensional warping' are not novel concepts. They're banal. Trivial. Tripe. They've been overused so many times that they're called 'story vehicles'. Interesting? Thrilling? Worth reading more about? Yes. But not novel, unless something that's been explored since the late 1800's is novel.

Sure thing, giant beer.

Item the Second: A direct continuation of Crono Trigger involving time traveling to different locations and not having a big baddie named Lavos has already been made. It's called 'Final Fantasy X-2'. It involves you walking around, with no plot, talking to people about what's happened since the end of the last game. Just replace your character's names with the names of Crono and the gang, and replace the NPCs names with random NPCs from Crono Trigger.

Gee, what a great idea! Well, actually that was what they taught us to say in grade 5 when we thought an idea was stupid because I'm pretty sure they were afraid our entire class was turning into a bunch of pricks. Which we did, pansy-ass lesson on manners notwithstanding.

Item the Third: 'Sixth' Dimension is really irrelevant. Time is not 'the' fourth dimension, it is 'a' fourth dimension, and only really conceptually worthwhile as such as a medium for displaying data about other dimensionalities. On the slight chance that you're using SuperString Theory to classify time, then you actually have time as a three-fold dimesion (Dimensions 4-6, in layman's terms) superseding the three-fold dimension of space, and being the subset of the four-fold dimension that don't interact with us at all, but which help contain superstrings.

Thanks for the thrillage, and please, allow your readers to keep presenting me with sarcasm bait.

Thanks for the lesson in semantics. Now take your SuperString Theory and SuperGet the hell out of here before my layman's foot kicks your pompous ass.

Sears would like to make the following correction: we do NOT sell Batman lingerie

Actually, in your article you say that Drakengard is Square Enix's first release of 2004. Wouldn't that be Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles? Or does that not count because it's being published by Nintendo?

-Warlock Janus

Ah, I think what the press release meant to say (but instead garbled badly) was that Drakengard is to be the first PS2 release for 2004. Since I just blindly followed the press release, I am to blame.

Dre-e-e-e-eam, dream dream dream...dream?

Hey Cast,

I figure I'll spare you the multiparter I usually assail you with, but first I have to say I really respect your unearthly (Canadian) ability to withstand ridiculously low temperatures. Living in the New York Metro area, we're currently at about zero degrees, although the wind chill makes it about 20 below, which is the lowest temperature I've ever been aware of around here. At least we're not getting bombarded with feet of snow like last year, though.

Oh yeah, RPGs...well, I've been replaying Final Fantasy 6 recently (I usually do that about once a year), and after getting Shadow in my party for the second time (the trip to Zozo) it got me thinking...have you ever heard of anybody getting this supposed fifth dream of Shadow's? I've had no problem getting the first four, and I don't think the one after you rescue Shadow from the Veldt Cave is the fifth. But I have heard there's another dream that's an extreme rarity to get, that supposedly links him more closely to Relm and Strago's family. Have you or anybody you know ever seen this dream? If not, do you suppose any of the loyal RPGamer readers have seen it?

Well, I'm out...enjoy the weather (I know I am).

Robust Stu
Gold Reviewer/Swell Guy

Personally, I've only ever seen three of the dreams, so I can't say for sure. It seems, however, that the professional personal homepage of useless information community has indeed decided that Shadow's fifth dream is in fact the Veldt dream, which means that I've seen four! Huzzah!

AGH! My freakin' eyes!

Hey Andrew,

Hateful Disgaea spoilers

That's a nice new article you wrote but, actually, I'm not looking forwards to Drakengard. It doesn't have Final Fantasy in the title...

Just kidding. I'm not really a fangirl of the FF series. It all seemed to go downhill from FFIX finally breaking the camels back when I saw the picture of the main lead of FFXII who looks like a 10 yr old girl.

am rather looking forward to Jan 24th, which is the date the Best Buy near my house finally gets .hack//Quarantine in (I can't believe they're making me wait another week! Argh!) .hack is an amazingly addictive game. Both my friend and I have not been able to put it down. She just finised //Infection and is bugging me to get done with //Mutation so she can play it. Unfortunately for her, I have this strange obsession with finding all the secrets and rare stuff I possibly can before defeating a game. Since I do this without a guide it can take quite a while. This annoys my younger brother to no end, as he is of the impatient breed, and the only reason I ever beat KH before I reached lvl 100 is because he bullied me into it, seeing as how he is taller and stronger than I and threatened to do it himself. You ever know those people who could pick up a game, never having played it before and sit down and be instantly better than the person who's slaved away trying to work the crappy menu-system so you can beat Sephiroth and they go and do it on the fly? That's my bro for you. He also talked me into beating Disgaea (best. game. ever.) but only because I wanted to beat it before I transmigrated my lvl 200-something galaxy mage dude back to the element classes to get the Terra spells. (Those mages are the best class.)

Grah! The best I've heard of is Star Mages! Stop ruining my brain and Christmas, because Christmas is always somehow ruined by things like this!

Speaking of Disgaea, didn't the normal ending just piss you off? It's not like I was overly fond of Flonne or Laharl or anything (Gordon was soooo entertaining), but it just made me mad that *spoiler* I had to kill the Seraph. :( The little bloody sprite didn't help much. I'm so glad that's not the only ending. (I only had one ally kill the whole game. JUST ONE and it screws you over. BLAH.)

--Irken Child is the target of the Shannara Child, slayer of the Fire Dragon Child, and tormentor of the Drow Child.

I'm afraid I had to skim your ending, because I stopped playing Disgaea when I had to review Onimusha Tactics, which in retrospect was a thoroughly idiotic thing to do. After that, I just never got back into it, and I still haven't finished it. So no, I have no idea what the normal ending is like, and I'm never reading this question again, or at least not until I've finished the game.

A Lavos Royale with Cheese


Indeed, I will heed your advise and tempt my patrons with wine. Alas, another day without the bundle of misery I like to call school. It's -15 C here by the way-_-.. While I'll do my best not to leave the house, I'll make you a grilled cheese sandwich to warm you up during your adventures braving the harsh, freezing, bitter old men to and from school. I can't gurantee that I wont be facing the same conditions as you because if I'm extremely lucky, I'll be able to go outside and shovel to my hearts content, or at least until my heart stops beating due to coldness. Some more Chrono Break you ask? Personally, I thought that another sequel would help answer some unanswered questions. The Frozen Flame...wasn't it just a shard of Lavos's shell? Would it really be powerful if it were just part of it? FATE? If FATE died, wouldn't the records of fate have no use? Yes, I actually thought Chrono Cross answered the Schala's whereabouts question, but what of the other characters? How did Luccia and Lucca become friends if Lucca died when Luccia was 16? Why does Kid have that purple necklace, and how is it important? It can't be the pendant, because that's the Astral Amulet, right? Maybe another game would've answered these and many more, or at least add to the confusion... Drakengard, looks promising. The idea of actually fly around on a dragon and torching enemies interests me to no end. By the way, your story was great, you get +5 bonus points, and please collect $200 as you pass "Go!". As this story continues on to more randomopium, let's all remember the wonderful memories we had whilst highjacking the bus full of nuns. I, myself, have never lost the use of my pants, but it does sound quite painful. Ironically enough, I did the "What level of Hell are you going to" Wednesday, and I'm on the 6th level of purgatory. Damn Dante and his utter humor to think that we're all magical unicorns on this rollercoaster ride...of love.

Condemned by the masses and finding a shiny nickel,

O' Shrouded One

Thanks awfully for the sandwich, and all the randomblings. I believe I can answer all your questions with a single reply: because the developers didn't take the time to make things fit like they should have. I guess what we've learned this week is that I'm very bitter about CC, and I should never write reviews when I'm still in post-completion euphoria. It almost resulted in FFIX getting an 8 :L



Although I have little desire to rekindle internet rumors, I nevertheless feel the need to mention that apparently Square still has the name "Chrono Brake" trademarked in Japan. That little tidbit of news can be found on your competitor's site, which shall remain nameless. This does not mean much considering the series’ creator, Masato Kato, has in fact quit Square and joined MonolithSoft. Chrono fans should therefore be eagerly awaiting Baten Kaitos.

Geez... I can see why the Product Development Division 4 is suddenly getting the red-carpet treatment from S-E...


As for Drakengard, I am not entirely sure I desire another action-RPG from Square. The movie of it that's around looks decidedly unpolished, the gameplay seems reminiscent of Kingdom Hearts button-mashing, and what I gather about the story (from the movie clip, character histories, and elsewhere) indicates a fairly predictable plotline. A $20 purchase, at best.

-Red Raven

Yes, a $20 dollar purchase that will require a million people to pay $40 before you can buy it for that much. Yes, the world is unfair, but as long as it's not happening to me, it's funny.


Baked with love,

Hey, who would have guessed that a quickie from yesterday would continue to hold through to today? Kudos on the best-before date, Shroudie.


Hopefully, no further panics will mar this weekend, though if I were the vengeful sort, I might launch some sort of cabaret on Tuesday just to be a jerk. Instead, however, I will just say that it was a great idea and leave it at that. For Wednesday, I dearly want to talk about the remake of Metroid I just saw an ad for thanks to the delightful email blitz Nintendo has embarked upon in an effort to destroy my inbox, but I certainly couldn't DO THAT at an rpg website, now could I? OKAY, so instead of having you TALK ABOUT METROID, convince me I should get into .hack, OR ELSE I might never get to buy into that wonderful one for the price of four scam they have going on there.

Until Wednesday, then, I would wish you Creamsically, but since it's so bloody cold, I'll just dream and hope some sort of zeppelin showers North America with hot chocolate. Mmm... tiny marshmallows...
Andrew Long is hiding from the press.



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