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Return-o-matic 2000

Jeff Walker - December 25, 2004 - 10:21 PM CST

NOW THE CIRCUS BEGINS! Welcome to the final night of yours truly hosting the Q&A section! Christmas has finally come and gone like Ashlee Simpson's credibility. I hope all of you had a great time with your family, some awesome holiday cooking, or some great presents. If not, you're not alone. There's probably tons of upset little boys and girls wishing they had a shotgun instead of a deer-patterned sweater. Some of us just happened to have found said shotgun is all. I have an alibi. Promise.

I know I promised to share my Christmas loot, but in the interest of mean-spirited hijinks, you have to wait until the closing to hear what I recieved. I'm sure you're all hanging on the anticipation like Janet Weiss, but I promise it'll happen. The sharing, not the singing in garters. That's another holiday and another psychiatrist visit.


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Merry Christmas fun To all good girls and boys, even mom She really bought too much.

No correction today! Take that!

Hey There Guest Host Extraordinaire!

First off, you're freakin' funny. Thanks for keeping Q&A fresh and funny during the absense of the usual crew, who rock as well.

Anywho, on to the question! With more and more emphasis and attention being put on sexuality in games, how long do you think it will be before we see an RPG with, how shall i put it, "Strong Sexual Content."? And when and if this happens, how do you think parents, authority figures, etc... will respond? What level of outrage do you think will prevail, and will games such as these be forced to tone it down or just out and out be remopved from shelves. Thanks and keep up the good work.



Why hello there old friend. Stay a while and listen! HAHAPUN.

Thanks. I really do try to be funny. It's hard. Lots of practice. It's not easy to sit on your butt and think of clever banter for hours. Just as Carrot Top. I also have to agree, the usual guys rock. We all have our ways of saying things. Goog is clear and concise. Andrew is ranty and funny. I'm in need of prozac with a side of valium. I could so go for that about right now...

How long will it be? Considering a latest video game presented a minor exposing her breast, I think we're almost there already. It's a sad reality that sex sells. Why else do you think every RPG character as of late must meet the D cup requirement? How long will it be until we have pornographic games in place of real games? That will never happen. America is a puritanical nation when it comes to offensive content. We went into a tizzy when Janet Jackson showed her saggy bonbon. Homosexuals are more disgusting than murderers. The day parents allow pornographic materials in normal games will be the day we just hand control over to the moon.

If it does happen? It will be a proverbial witchhunt. New, strict, and fascist guidelines will be put into place. There will probably be a creation of a FCC-like branch of the government to check just entertainment like movies and video games.The backlash will be exhaustively huge and rediculously hypocritical. Most of them are.

To split off into a tangent, let's look at the reaction over Ms. Jackson's exposure. Parents complained about the breast being exposed during a family show. Now, if this was any other program, I would be able to identify with them. If I see Tinky-Winky popping out a breast, I'll be upset. The parents complained about a breast in middle of a game that was nothing but erectile dysfunction ads and brutal violence. Yeah, the backlash will be huge. The parents will complain their children must play games so they can have a rest then refuse any and all responsibility in the matter. They'll demand change, and change will come. We're a nation ruled by the majority for the most part. That majority will not stand for frontal nudity in their children's face. All the while, their children will grow up ill equipped because mommy and daddy sit them in front of the Playstation rather than sitting down with them to play or talk every once in a while.

So, in the end, the question isn't what will the backlash be if it happens. The question will be how bad will it be, and just how hypocritical will the "moral" crowd get. My money is on more hypocritical than Sally Struthers begging people for money for poor, starving kids in Kenya.

So endeth the rant.

E-mail? I think not. Printprint!

Hey Jeff, I know you don't know me and I feel a little awkward I must confess, but I was wondering (because you seem to possess all the answers) If you knew if the characters for FFX had Birthdays like all the ones in the previous FFs did. If you could reply with an answer that would be enough.

Thank you much!


Of course I don't know you! That's the great thing about guest hosts and Q&A. Asking random people if they want a date then going out to throw eggs at old people. So what do you say? You bring the flowers, I'll bring the dozen?

As for your question, I just pulled out my handy dandy game guides. They didn't use birthdays in 4 or 6, did in 7 and 8, and went back to no longer using birthdays in 9, 10, and X-2. Apparently, 12 will be no different. At least, this is what my guides are telling me. You're certainly welcome for the answer!

Kupo version 2.0b

Suikoden 3 spoilers

Hey Jeff,

I got four things for Christmas, and that's even after I said I didn't want anyone to get me anything. Anyways. Three of the items were clothes items, and the other was a 50 dollars. The thing is, is that I don't need and didn't want the money, and I didn't want the other presents because of the fact that I wasn't going to buy anything for anyone else. Seeing as I wasn't going to buy anything for anyone though, and even after telling them not to buy me anything, they did anyways, so it goes and makes you feel bad, because they went and got you something and you didn't get them anything.

Christmas gifts I did enjoy, that I have already recently got myself or I am going to get. Growlanser Generations which I've already got and completed multiple times . The Xenosaga 2 January preorder that lets us get the Xenosaga bonus disc is a Christmas present in itself, because you end up getting the entire Xenosaga storyline, without having to play through the game with that horrible battle system(or running around everywhere.) Suikoden 4 comes with an artbook for the game as long as you preorder it, and the fact that all the games I've recently named(Wild ARMs and Phantasy Star as well, like I said last post,) are also good Christmas presents as the fact that we're finally getting some new RPG's(even though those two are remakes.)

Anyways, I've beaten just about every game I own and multiple times too, so looking over at my games to find one to play, I would always say how I don't want to play whichever game, even if it is one of my favorites, and never be able to choose a game to play and end not playing anything. I found a way to remedy this which may be helpful to people who can't choose a game to play as well. I had someone just name off RPG's that he thinks I should replay, new and old, and if I really disliked it then I said no, or next, and then he named another, and had him name them until I got a list of five games. He named ten and I actually decided to do seven of them(one of them I added myself because I thought of the game when he named a game I didn't feel like playing,) the reason it's seven instead of five is because he said Suikoden 1, 2, and 3, so I decided to use that as a single recomendation. Anyways, basically like a list of chores, except for the fact that it's a list that you want to do, and playing those in order so you'll have something to do. I thought it was a pretty good idea to use. So I'll be replaying Breath of Fire 3, Suikoden 1, 2, 3, Tactics Ogre LUCT, Tales of Destiny and Threads of Fate.

Also, reading last column about the Fire Rune question, I thought your idea was really good. I gave Huge the True Fire Rune because I knew you had to get the True Water Rune, which I wanted to give to Chris because she was so good at using water magic. Anyways, seeing as I never thought about using the Firesealing Rune, Flame Casque, or Flame Leather(and others) as protection against your own runes, I never thought about it, so I actually avoided using any of the Fire Runes unless I was absolutely sure of a characters survival, but other than that, you had three rune spaces, so if a character was good in Fire, I just left it on the character and filled the other two rune spaces with runes I liked using. But your idea was good, so next time I play the game(which will be soon seeing as I had a person list a bunch of games,) I think I'll use that idea.

If you like Tactical RPG's that involve a great deal of strategy and good gameplay, you should play Arc the Lad 2, Tactics Ogre LUCT, Tactics Ogre KoL, or Brigandine(like a good Christmas present to yourself.)

Anyways, you're probably going to tell everyone what you're going to get for Christmas anyways, but what did you get or what are you planning to get? I also think you're a really good guest host, where your replies are interesting to read, so that'd be my Christmas present to you(all gifts should be like this and carry no monetary value.)

-andrew- -kupomogli-

You and your super e-mails of death and content! 20 lashes for making me actually work!

I'm going to be telling what I got this Christmas at the end of the update, but I will say I got about 7 or so things. You'll just have to wait with baited breath to know what they are! I just suck at antici--

I really didn't get much in the way of games. I'm still working on Xenosaga 1. You see, Disc Read Errors are evil. Pure evil. So evil Satan has to put on his feetie pajamas and go to bed early because of it. I finally got it to work though. I'm certainly looking forward to Suikoden 4. Hearing it comes with an artbook may make me preorder it. I wish I'd preordered FFX-2. The artbook was so pretty looking!

Feel free to use the idea. I found myself able to spare a little defense on some characters for protection from the fire runes. Especially on my front line guys like Geddoe. Most of my bottom row was Fubar, Aila for Earth and Shield runes, and a pure caster for backup healing/killing. So, my party ended up being Hugo, Chris, Geddoe in front; Fubar, Aila, and Estella/Viki in the back. Hugo would cast fire, Geddoe would cast Thunderstorm or Furious Blow, Chris would defend or heal. Fubar would be busy being a donkey, Aila would attack or use shield rune, and Estella would defend or cast depending on the monster in question. I found that to be the best idea. Two main casters that can attack, two main healers that can attack, and a back-up pure caster.

I wanted a new, slim, sexy Playstation 2. Why? They're sexy. That's why! Thank you for the compliment as well. You may also give me monetary gifts. Really. I insist.

Nuance. Again. KAWAII!

Well, yeah, the subplots of FFX (Al Bhed persecution, Yuna's perceived fate, destruction of Yevon as a palatable religion) did give the game numerous layers, and they were all quite well executed. I just wouldn't call that "subtle emotional nuance," as you put it. I'd call that intelligent writing that adds depth of thought to a game.

And John DiMaggio as Wakka + Kimahri totally owns Rikku's voice actor. Both have done Jillions of animated shows, but DiMaggio did Futurama (Bender, Elzar, Yancy J. Fry, Sr., et al) and everybody knows that Futurama trumps all other cartoons.

Ok, I admit I didn't explain the nuance thing. I think the nuance that was in the game was the air of death. Spira was nothing but a world built on death for as long as most could remember. Everyone counted their time by death. Everyone ran their lives around death. They even treated funerals as if they were bound to happen eventually. Their bravest of heroes had to die to give the world a small amount of peace. Peace that never lasted. People took death and almost made it as a part of their lives as we make cars part of ours. The smell, feel, and sight of death constantly floated in the air of Spira. Some people took death hard, others took it as an inevitability, even more took it as if it was destiny to go to their death. On top of this comes the many shades that develop after the entire Yevon thing, turning the religion they believed in into the religion that kept them from happiness. Their religion perpetrated their death, and the people had a large range of subtle emotions.

A nuance doesn't have to be difficult to see to be a nuance. It just has to have many shades of emotional responses. Like a concert can have a nuance if it has an instrument that is overlooked, but makes the orchestra perfect. Or a painting with so many strokes, that one shade of blue makes it have so many subtle shades you just can't place your finger on one predominant color. That is what I meant by nuance.

I agree about DiMaggio. He ruled/rules as well.

Innuendo from Innuendo!

These are questions Mr. Long (or Goog, I guess, whoever it gets assigned ya Googs),

Long time listener, first time caller. I love it when people say that!

I was wondering if you could remember if there were any homosexual characters in an RPG to date?


PS: I think it would be quality if you could have a contest whereby people submit home videos of themselves reenacting the Opera from FFVI. I'm sewing my Ultros costume right now! Goog can play the impresario.

I know, I know. I'm not Andrew or Goog, but I am just as cute and cuddly. Just don't touch my ear. I'll stab you in the eye with a rusty Pringle.

Let's start at the top! As for as I know, there's never been an openly homosexual RPG character. There have been many that came very close to the line and were highly questionable. Gremio from Suikoden 1 is sometimes seen as having an almost-too-close relationship with McDohl. We can't forget the infamous date in FF7 where you could get Cloud to date Barret as well. There's also many physical insults thrown at many characters. For example, Tidus is often called homosexual because he is very feminine. There's just one problem--he loved Yuna fully. People point to Squall since he is a template of the sometimes androgynous Gackt. There has yet to be an openly homosexual character to date, however.

There won't be one for a while, more than likely. Even if there is, they'll probably be a secondary character or a distant NPC. You'll only see him when his huge, burly boyfriend NPC walks from one room to another. Don't count on there being anything but just a whole lot of questionable sexuality and innuendoes. You have to remember, a piece of tape on a nipple is a lot less of a taboo than a homosexual in many markets.

As for the contest...yes! I want to dress up like Marv Albert. Panties Marv, not suit Marv. I demand it!

Stealing like crazy!

Hi Google

I am just about to buy a PS2 and I'm wondering what two RPGs for the PS2 are the best in your opinon? With a massive selection at my local game store this advice would really help me.


It's never too late to give some advice! We like advice! Just, be warned that my advice may not fit your needs. I suggest you check our reviews to find out about a game.

I really liked Suikoden 3, so if you love the series I would get that. My second game would have to be FFX. It's a must have for any gamer, in my opinion. Everyone rants and raves about the awesomeness of FF7. I rant about FFX. Get it. I command you!


The fun now ends. Taking a break from the silly humor, I really enjoyed hosting. I had a great time answering some of your questions both past and present. I even enjoyed being flamed over if clay was a mineral. It was my pleasure to host the Q&A section this holiday season. Your questions shall now be returned to Google and Andrew respectively. Thanks for the entertaining questions and giving me a chance to entertain and inform!

Now, for the long awaited christmas list! I'm sure you're all just holding your hreath over what I got! I know I was! Really, they were that stinky. So here's what I was given from my adoring family, including a humorous little error!

My first present was anticipated! I ripped into it to find shirts! Yes, everyone's fear is my first gift. Clothes. If only I had a club and a long enough reach! My second present was, of course, equally anticipated! Let's open it up why don't we? Tear away the paper like an addict and you'll find pajama pants and two crossword puzzle books! Yes, I can now sit and figure out what word is 5 letters long and means scary, fat documentary maker. I finally got it. Bowling for BONUS POINTS!

Let's get to the third one. The christmas cheer is just oozing out of my nose now. Wait, that's the flour I just did. Good crap that was. All the same, the second gift was heavier. It could be something cool. It's square. It smells. Maybe it's a smelly square. Nope, it's candles! Yeah, I get candles for Christmas! Sniff sniff SMELLSLIKERAWK!

Speaking of smells, there's something in another package! Yay, it's my cologne! Every man needs cologne to make them appealing. Let's take a look at what it says..."eau de toilette". Isn't that a lower concentrate perfume? Why, yes it is! My mother has just given me Curve for women! I am male. I have perfume. I trust this irony isn't lost.

Another present, another clothing item! Who doesn't love slippers? The final present of the day belongs to a leather jacket that both cost a lot and will be going back due to size problems. Oh, but wait, there's more! A few minutes later, I'm handed a Barns and Noble gift card!

With this holy card of love and adoration, I've ordered 4 books! In the spirit of true dorkiness, one of these books is a book titled "The Science of the X-Men." Yes. I am that much of a dweeb. My second book redeems me, however. John Stewart, you now have $15 profit extra for your America book. Spend it well. I know I did.

So that is it. Up at 5 AM, in bed by 11 PM! Santa is evil. He wakes kids up then wakes me up from a dead sleep. He does it again and I'm sending Lil' Kim over. Maybe he'll think twice with a STD!

Remember, your questions tomorrow will be for Googleshng. Next weekend you will be returning to the hands of Andrew. Thanks again for your attention and assistance, and I hope you have a great New Year! Remember, weight loss as a resolution? More stupid than the one you made last year to sleep with Tyra Banks. We told you it wouldn't happen, but no!
Jeff Walker is tired, so the funny just isn't here.



Goodbye bastard children!

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