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In case you missed yesterday's column, I am temporarily (I hope) leaving RPGamer.

Wow. That's all I can say: wow. I mean, I expected a few letters yelling at me for leaving, maybe one or two fans writing in to show their support, and boy was I in for a shock. Ya'll wrote me some seriously nice letters, and I appreciate it. (I must have replied to around 50 letters. I'm going to kill my mail server sending 'em all.)

Due to all the fond farewell letters, I was only left with a handful of "real" mail. I've decided to print a few token questions, a lot of goodbyes, and the usual Quickies. If you don't like it -- bite me. It's my last day, at least for a while, and I'm going to make like Burger King and have it my way.

 
Replacing Thor
To Poorboy Thor,

So, how is your replacement going to be chosen? Do they have to run some sort of brutal gauntlet of whips, blades, and annoying "statue-pushing" puzzles? Or is it some sort of "If you can snatch this controller from my hand, you shall be the next Q&A guy." thing? Or do you sneak up on the guy while he is going to the bathroom behind a bush, touch him and say "Tag, you are now the Q&A guy, Sucker!"? Or does it go to the person who is willing to give you "Some."?

- Moogle Child AKA "The Big banana split" for reasons that should be best left unknown

First, thanks to everyone who sent letters offering to fill-in for me. The chances of RPGamer having another Q&A Dude Contest are slim, though, as we'll most likely just use a current RPGamer staff member. Be it Alex Kimbel, Michael Greenhut or even Ryan Amos, I know not. One thing's for sure, though... they'll suck compared to me! Suck! You hear that, guys? I rule! Mwah hah hah hah ha -- er, sorry. Lil' ego-boost, there. With all this positive e-mail pouring in, it's rather hard to be my usual (un)modest self.
 
(GENESIS!) Shadowrun
Blargman,

You can't leave without telling us(me at least) WHY the genesis version of Shadowrun is so much better then the SNES version.. I have played the SNES one and it's still a personal favorite, so what's the deal? You like only 16 colors better? BTW Anders is the best runner.

Shadowrun for Genesis just rocks. Not that I don't have anything against the SNES version, it's just a significantly different game. It's an Action/RPG, as opposed to an Adventure/RPG, so there's a lot more combat. Also, it is much less linear (in a fun way, not like SaGa Frontier); and you can select from three different classes. Most of the fun lies in improving your character by taking jobs or "runs" from various parties. You can free criminals from jail, hack into a corporation for heavily guarded information, or even go into an abandoned building and bust some Zombie heads for a quick buck. I could rave for hours, but then it would be midnight on the east coast by the time I updated, so I'll just finish it off with this: buy the game used, whatever the price. Trust me, it's worth it.
P.S Update my afro thor please!

-Mondo

Well, since ya asked nicely... :D
 
Ah, what joys the future brings
Heya Thor,

I couldn't resist the flashing ASK.. I have two questions for you. What do you think are the best features that are incorporated into rpg games now? What features do you expect to see in the future? I am just asking what you think... Hehehe.. all other comments from people out there that think they must comment on this can be sent to the editorial section of course. I don't want to be the start of another lengthy rant in the q&a section.. heh...

Thanks,

- Mattron 5000 of the Silicon Alliance

I think the best features are a solid plot and translation (Lunar: SSSC); strategic or action-based combat (FFT, SoM) because I think deep down we're all getting sick of repeatedly pressing "X" in a battle, and not doing anything else; and, of course, nudity (Xenogears). The more, the better.

What I'd like to see in the future is a selectable difficulty level. It'd be ridiculously easy to implement. Yet the only RPG (which I know of) that lets you choose is the Shining Force series. I mean, with one option, hardcore gamers, newbies and everyone in between would be happy with any RPG's difficulty. Is it really too much to ask?

 
Conspiracy theory
Thor:

I have a theory. You're not really leaving, you're being abducted. All the classic Art Bell signs are there:

  • Mysterious "family illness" mentioned
  • A promise to return
  • Frequent mention of La Chupacabra (which we all know is just a Mexican Moogle)
  • A sudden, unexpected exit from the scene
At first I suspected the faceless rebels of E3. Then I thought maybe it was a Bernie Stolar hit-squad, but since you mentioned Bernie so much, it's obviously a smoke screen.

But now I know the truth...you are being abducted by a conspiracy so devious, a force so unstoppable, that even the big "N" has nightmares about it.

You, Thor, are being abducted by none other than Square/EA. They are going to put you through motion-capture sessions and (probably) anal probes, the result of which will be seen fall 2000 in the US, when Square/EA announces it's first RPG for the Sony Playstation 2---the honest-to-God professionally-developed version of ANOTHER MIND 2: THE LEGEND OF THOR GETS SOME.

Co-starring the redoubtable Ms. Hatcher, with cameos by Sarah Polley, Cameron Diaz, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and--strangely--that redheaded chick from THAT 70s SHOW.

Admit it! NDAs be damned!

Cheers, and see ya soon.

- CraigInMN...2!

Haha, that'd rule! The, um, video game. Not the anal probing.
 
Free, um, RPG!
To make your last day special for you and everyone else who visits RPGamer, I prepared a special game for the day. It was a lot of work, but I think it's worth it. BTW, if you decide not to release this to the general public, I'll understand. I'll still cry for 48 hours straight, but I'll understand. After you play it, I think you'll want to release it, though. Really. Yeah. It's some rad stuff. Enjoy, and we'll all be waiting for your return, whenever that is.

- Mike Lisman

What can I say? I'm speechless. Literally.
 
One last multi-part question
Dear Thoradoubvious,

Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that you're leaving.. y'never missed an update, you always had something funny to say, and y'pictures made me drool... ^.~ Well, just so y'know, I'm part of the Thor mailing list ~Thorfans~. Yep, I'm that devoted! I hope that whoever has that illness gets better, and that you have a safe move n'stuff. God bless. Or maybe it shoudl be Cthulu Bless... ^.^; On with the questions!

%) Just who IS your favorite singer, anyway? Sure, you've prolly answered already, but can't you answer it one more time? Pwetty pwease with spwinkews ontop? *Giggle*

James Hetfield of Metallica. Reznor and Manson are pretty good, but nothing beats Hetfield. While other 80s rockers screeched and hit high notes, James consistantly kicked ass.
+) Dude, did you know you can get Vincent in Ehrgeiz (Or however it's spelled..)? I dunno how he got there, but he's there now.. I like to make him do the beach races... heh... ::Sigh:: Neeeext..!
I'm such a dope. I thought she asked how to get Vincent at first. I spent like, ten minutes looking it up before I realized what she really meant. Go Thor!
{) Do you have your Prequel tickets? ::Little grin::
Nope. I haven't even seen The Matrix. I usually just rent. I'm really hoping for a Matrix/Prequel double feature in a couple of months, though. :D
_) What's the square root of 293475? My calculator ran out of batteries...
541.7333292313? I dunno.
) Tomato or tom-ah-to?
Richard Baseheart.
Done and done. Wish you'd print it this time, it's actually somewhat chock-ful of questions... and shamelessly plug my site for me, willya? http://fly.to/pandorasaquarium

Good luck with your life, Thor-baby. ::Big smooch:: Hope ta see you back soon!

- AliPap

...what choice did I have? She gave me a big smooch. I was powerless against her feminine charms.
 
Adam West & Tia Carrere in Canada!
Dear Thor-kestra,

Sad to hear about your departure like so many Q&A people in the past. It was inevitable, but at least you lasted longer than most of the poor dopes who took it on. For that, I congratulate you. Anyways, on to my question. I have a bet with my brother as to who that is in the Final Fantasy VI logo riding the Magitek Armor. I say it's Edgar, but he says Kefka. Who is it? Good job on the soundtrack to Zombie Nightmare, BTW. Can't say so much for your acting, though...

- MSTies Anonymous Poobah

This guy actually wrote the HTML for this letter, then e-mailed it to me. I got such a kick out of someone doing my work for me, I decided to print it as-is, hence the unusual link from a signature.

Anyway, I'd have to go with my gut and say it's Terra. She's the hero of Final Fantasy 6 (yes she is!), and all the Amano drawings of MagiTek Armor that I saw had Terra in the saddle.

Off topic: Zombie Nightmare was the first "Mike" MST3K I really enjoyed. Didn't know about the heavy dose of Thor-age until now, though, heh heh.

 
RPG Economy 101
Howdy, Rectal Thormometer!
Gaaah! Well, you have to hand it to him. He achieved the impossible -- he outdid "Thorgasm".
Lately, I've been wondering how RPG economies sustain themselves. For instance, most of the money in a standard RPG economy is being held by monsters, including wolves and birds that mock physics by hovering in mid-air and amorphic blobs of goo. Case in point, in Final Fantasy 7, Cloud can eventually make so much money by killing monsters that he can purchase a villa in Costa del Sol that's so expensive, the only other person who could afford it was President Shinra. This leads one to wonder why the monsters don't band together to form an economic superpower in order to drive the Shinra Corporation out of business, or at least buy out all the weapons in the weapons shops so the do-gooders can't come by and kill them. And don't even get me started on the wide availabiliy of weapons and inexpensiveness of inns. So I guess my question is this: Have you wrangled a copy of "A Day with Jay" yet? And if so, could you share?

- The Sesquipedalist

RPG economies work because magic faeries sprinkle magic pixie dust over each and every RPG, magically filling in all plot holes. Sorta.

Sadly, no one seems to have a backup copy. Sorry, dude. I guess it's been lost in the sands of time, or some melodramatic nonsense like that.

 
Unfit Not Really Fit for Print... but who cares? It's my last day, I'll do what I want!
Here are just a few of the wonderful letters sent in by my fans. I wish I could print them all, but no one would possibly read 'em, so I figured I'd go for a handfull that stood out from the crowd. Some letters were edited for size. If you couldn't care less, just skip to the Quickies.
 
Well, what can I say? I'm gonna miss you. *sniff sniff* I looked foreward to reading your hilarious column every day. You probably don't care, but I'm going to tell you anyway, considering the fact that you're leaving. I can understand why you're leaving, and I guess all of us Ask Thor fans are just going to hope that you return someday. Well, I'd better wrap up here, before I get choked up... *sniff* God speed, Thor. Keep playing RPGs, and don't forget all of your loyal fans. *Kisses Thor goodbye*

- RPGirl Dawnfire

Thanks for the kind words, and the kiss, dawnfire. Here -- guys, look away for a minute....

<smooch!>

Mmkay! You can look now. What do you mean, "what did you do"? I, uh, never you mind.

 
As a parting gift, here's is a nice motivational statement for you:

You did a much much much better job than Reid. Reid was terrible. You were funny. You outlasted him too. Go you. Also, since I know you collect dead monkeys, here is a babboon's heart: @

- Googleshng

Mmm... delicious!
 
It's Ironic. Today I discovered the archives. I looked at them with despair: they went back for a whole YEAR! How was I ever to find the time to read all of them?

I browsed through the titles and was astonished to discover how many different RPGurus there had been in the past year, and for how little a time they'd lasted. I skimmed through some of their columns and was also astonished to discover how much better yours are than theirs were, how much better the current layout is (looking at the older ones HURT!), and how you'd lasted so much longer and updated so much more consistantly than any of them did.

I thought: It's a good thing Thor's lasted so long, he's much better than any of the others were. I guess he'll be around forever. Then I read today's column. Wham! It's over! Nooo! I was really upset...

Reading Ask Thor has been one of the highlights of my day for the past couple of months. It was especially a shock 'cuz of my thoughts earlier today. I'm really, really sorry to see you go. It's almost like a close friend is moving to an alternate universe or something, even though our interaction has been pretty much one way to this point, or so it seems, as you've not yet printed any of my letters... (hint, hint <g>)

I hope you and your column make a swift return and that all of your troubles sort themseleves out.

You were great. Really really great.

Looks like I'll have time to read through the archives after all...

-YMH

Thanks, man. Jeez, now I think I know what it felt like for Rick Swan to leave InQuest.
 
dear Thorga......umm Tweek

goodbye for now mr. Sexypants, but if you don't come back I'll hunt you down and kick your ass!!!!!

Promise?
 
I'm gonna miss ya Thor! You're sure a sweetie, and a great Q&A host! Heheh... I KNOW I'm really inflating your ego here, but it's true. Your column is really a lot of fun to read. And I understand if you're having problems with updates (Which I didn't mind at all, I was just glad you made them!), and that you're moving and whatnot (Hell, it's more than reasonable.). I just hope you really do come back soon!

Oh, and I wouldn't try to cop a feel like Shinyhat does. That would be sexual harassment, and YOU don't have to take it! ^_~ <thinks it over...> Aww hell... here's a hug and some last smooches from this maniac lady! And this time in capital letters so you know how much I love ya! (But no copping a feel!)

*Hugs Thor* *SMOOCH!* ^0^ *SMOOCH!*

- Teresa "See ya soon Thor! BLARG!" Gonzalez

No copping a feel? Aww, man. You ruin all my fun! Say, I wonder what happened to Shinyhat, anyway. I had hoped to print a letter from him today. Oh well.
 
Dear Thor,

Don't leave. Why do you have to leave? I don't understand. Explain to me why you have to leave. I like moogles, don't you? Then for GOD's Shake don't leave. What would all of the Characters from Squaresoft's games say? What would all the characters in our beloved Rpgs say? They would be upset. I'm upset. Don't leave. I'll make my sister and my cousin go out with you. They've watched me play Rpgs, so they are RPGirls. One of them looks like Terri, only sexier (or I've been told). Thor don't do this. Stay for... a extra day! Yeah! Can't you do that?

No can do. But, um, can I still go out with your sister and cousin? (Yeah, both of 'em. Gotta problem with that?)
I remember when RPGamer was that "other site" that nobody is suppose to talk about. And it use to be owned by the nut in the moogle costume. Bascially that site was a large archive, and then this site became a even larger archive. It was one of those places that when you needed something and only when you did you went there. You went there scanned for what you needed, got it, lefted, never came back unless you wanted something else. This site started to become dull. I personally rarely came here. But then you started to breathe life into the site. You were the one person that made this site stand out. I now think of this as a different place, a better plave, and different type of place. And when you leave it'll revert back to before and I might as well call it the "unoffical squar....." Well you get the idea. You've done some much for the site, in my opionion you're the best thing to ever happen to it. This will royally suck.

My question(s)? Could you give us a extra day? Other great site next-generation's staff is busy covering E3, so they havn't updated their Q&A's since wedsday, but promised a Q&A-a-thon next monday. Do that Thor. Do that Saturday. C'mon, you know you want to. So why not?

- Eric Fl.

Sorry, man. I'm outta here. You will see something of me in the near future, though. Nothing to do with Ask Thor (I simply don't have the time these days), but a 'guest appearance' none the less. (Isn't that just maddeningly vague?)
 
Oh no!!!

Oh no oh no!!!!!!

*sniff*

You shall be missed....*sniff*

I truly did enjoy yer column. It was not at all goin' ta Hell. *sigh* One less thing to enjoy on the net....

- Princess Artemis, wiping her eyes and being very sorry and sad.

Aww, jeez. Don't worry, guys -- like I said, if I can help it, I'll be back.
 
Do you fear the Blarg?
Mail Michael
(Not that the Blarg has anything to do with Michael. I just couldn't think of a funny title.)
 
Like Old Crap?
Try the Archives
(Beware the Typoes)
 
Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?
The Hack Archive
Thor Antrim: Anime Style
(Edit me. It's fun.)
 
Quote of the Undetermined Amount of Time
"I heard an even weirder rumor that Cloud could go on a three way date with Thor and Michael. Boy, wouldn't that be sexy?"
- Moogle Child
(Oh, baby.)
 
Quickies that satisfy
Actually, both corrections are wrong. CDs play 15 bit audio, dithered from an original 16bit master DAT.
- Alex
Shut up! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!
I used to think that the brain was the greatest part of our body, until I realized who was telling me that. Just a though, I think. (Lighten up, it's your last day :P) Hehe.
You better come back or i'm going to hunt you down like a rabid dog and but bananas in your ears, and you'll look mighty goofy.
- J Cat
No way! I'd be a magical banana bunny! And I'd travel the world over spreading joy and happiness! That is, until the evil Tom Green convinced old ladies to throw hot dogs at me 'cos I'm a fake bunny. I'm not mean, honest.
Since Chu-chu actually can't pronounce "to" or "too" or "two" and instead uses "chu" to replace "to" or "too" or "two", wouldn't her/his/its name be "To-To" or "Two-Two" or "Too-Too" or ever "Tu-Tu", logically, I say yes. But you set my friend straight on this debate!
- NaturalH
I believe that Chu-Chu's name is indeed "Chu-Chu", which is the only reason she mispronounces "to" sounds. Egotism: It's an ugly thing.
"Sans" is French for "without." Print MY reply, not anyone else's. Unless you don't want to. Then that would just be stupid.
- Rouge
I actually knew it meant without, just didn't know it was French. I'm never going to use it again.
That 20-30 hour figure quoted by me for Lunar is what it took ME (while blowing through the game as fast as humanly possible) It took me 20 hours, so it concievably could take someone 25-30. Just a clarification. Thanks, Ryan. (That's the fellow who wrote the Lunar: SSSC review, btw.)
A while back, I met an online penpal through the RPGuru column. We conversed for a few months, but then apparently his mail account got shut down, and I haven't been able to reach this person in over four months, approximately. I'm assuming that they lost my address, but if they're still online then they will be reading your column, so please print this: Sean Kepper, wherever you are, email me at chocobo13@hotmail.com!
- Arpad Korossy
No prob, dude. Good luck finding your buddy.
Thor, I love you. I'll miss you.

-Mist

If you're female: Aww, shucks. Thanks, ma'am. That means a lot. If you're a guy: Gaaah! Git'way! Help! Gaaaaaah!
Would you kindly describe the origins of this third nipple of Tidwell's? I like to collect information about strange human anomalies. Well, for one, it's not Mike's, at least not in the traditional sense. Tidwell just keeps it safely tucked away in his pants pocket. The nipple originally belonged to Andrew Vestal. Long story. Trust me, you don't want to know.
 
Thor Stuff: Egotism at its finest

Yesterday I acted quite unprofessionally. I called Bernie Stolar, President of Sega of America an "idiot". I was emotional about my departure, and may have acted rashly. What I meant to say is Bernie Stolar is an "incompetent jackass". Please accept my apology.
My mind's a blank right now. Oh, I had a whole bunch of good ideas for stuff to finish up the last Thor Stuff, and naturally I forgot them all the second I sat down at the computer. I suppose I could pass on some words of wisdom... I just can't remember any. But seeing as how I was never the "wise" type to begin with, that's probably for the best.
Ahh yes, the parting gift I promised yesterday. I almost forgot! Well, some of you might remember me mentioning my homepage a while back. So. Um. Here's the link: Thor's Homepage of Recalcitrancy. Go easy on it, it's just a personal homepage, albeit an insanely fantastic one.
I guess that's about it. I'll remain online for another week or two until the move, so I can still respond to e-mail. (Please, no "Ask Thor" type questions, though. That's my replacement's job.) And speaking of my replacement, whoever he ends of being, give him a break. The first month of Ask Thor sucked (IMO), so don't flood his in box with useless "I like Thor better!" letters. Of course you do -- it's only natural. <grin>

You guys kick ass. I'll miss ya'll -- even Shawners, who was kind enough to provide hours of entertainment.

I leave as I came, with but one word: Blarg.

Ohh, you like?! Thor "Lord of the Blarg" Antrim
Okay, fine: Crabbit. You know you wanted it, baby.

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