I tried to think of a fun monologue today. I really did. I even typed out half of a "make your own monologue" joke. Couldn't think of the ending, though. And when the highlight of your "joke" is a Virtuosity reference, you know it's time to cut your losses and call it quits.


The granddaddy of it all

Just wanted to ask you what was the first Nintendo RPG ever? I Believe it was Destiny of the emperor by Koei but I can't find any information about when the game came out. It would help settle a good issue I am having with my bro (He is a FF1 fan meanwhile I loved Destiny of the emperor)

Thanks son of Woden


Well, the RPG for the NES (or, rather, Famicom) was coincidentally the first traditional RPG: Dragon Quest. Ultima: Exodus was released before Dragon Warrior in America, however, so it really depends on which country you think "counts".
Technical support provided by Thor Antrim
Hey Thor,

How come one can't pop in there favorite game cd into a cd player and listen to the music containned in it like FFVII and so forth. Is it just another ploy to waste more money on seperate cd's on a soundtrack. It royally pisses me off.

- Shadow

Mmkay, I'm no techie, so this is the best I can come up with: One of the initial strong points of the PlayStation (and, indeed, all CD systems) was that its games could use 'redbook' audio. In other words, the music was recorded, not synthesized. The coolest bit about this was you could play your games in a music CD player and get the soundtrack free. Nowadays few games actually use this feature as developers continue to opt for sequenced music. (The biggest drawback of redbook audio is it takes a whole lot of memory, something the PlayStation really lacks.) And then you have a few evil companies that, even though they use redbook audio for their games, they encrypt it so you have to buy the soundtrack. Kind of petty if you ask me.
David Cronenberg's Scan
What ever happened to scan? It seems like in every rpg that was coming out for the snes it had a scan spell. Now I can't even think of one game with it. Scan ruled. How in the hell am I supposed to know what that boss in weak against or how much hp this guys got. I wan my scan damnit.
Ah, scan. Perhaps my favorite of the elusive "Gray" magic. As RPGs grew more and more easy, the need for gray magic -- or any spell which doesn't damage or heal -- lessened. After all, why bother casting SLOW when you can kill any random encounter enemy with two hits of the "X" button, and doesn't work on the bosses?

The only RPG which used Scan in recent memory is Parasite Eve. (Strangely enough, Parasite Even seemed way more "old school" to me than Final Fantasy VII.) Hopefully, Legend of Legaia will prove that an RPG doesn't need to be easy, provide a vast, convoluted, confusing plot, or "cater to the masses" just to sell well, and one day, we will see the return to gray magic's former greatness.

ps Did you ever stop and think maybe Evangelion is so popular because of the great dubbing. Okay I don't think I could ever say that with a straight face.

- mat

The "Evangelon's dubbing" debate, judging from the letters I received, seems to be about 50/50. I've only seen volume 1 and 2, which are supposed to be some of the worst examples of the series' dubbing, and I still couldn't find a whole lot wrong with it. I find it much preferable to subtitles, if only just to spare myself hearing loss resulting from Cute Japanese Girl Screeching Voice Of Bloody Kawaii Doom syndrome.
Kara Jade: Private eye. (Well, not really -- but that sounds cool, eh?)
Hey Mr. Question-Column Dude (can't exactly call you RPGuru now can I?)

I actually have *gasp shock horror* questions about *gasp shock horror* video games!

So, in no particular order, here are the three finalists:

1) In the SNES game Illusion of Gaia, there's this girl with blue hair, think her name's Lilly but I'm not sure, and at any rate a friend of mine says she's naked from the waist up. I just think she's wearing a very untasteful orange bow on her chest. So which is it?

Quick rule of thumb: If it's for SNES, there isn't nudity.
2) Again, in Illusion of Gaia, there's this hidden boss if you get all 50 Red Jewels. I know he was in Soul Blazer, but was he one of the first bosses, or an ending boss? Also, is he in Terranigma?
Yeah, Solid Arm is the first boss in Soul Blazer, and no, he's not in Terranigma.
3) I have heard so many conflicting rumors about FF Anthology. I know it contains FF5 & 6, but is FF6 just a puffed-up version of FF3 american, or is it the real japanese version? Also, will Squaresoft ever release FF4 japanese in North America?
We'll most likely just get the Final Fantasy 3 script slapped on Final Fantasy 6. This is good and bad. Bad because there really isn't any reason to buy FFA if you aren't interested in FF5. Good because Square can't screw up the script a la FFT. And unless Square has one hell of a surprise waiting for us at E3, there is no chance of FF4 being translated again.
Here's two words that will make you feel good for the entire week: 'Teri Antrim'.

- Kara Jade

I feel good. Really good. And ya know what? I have a feeling this good will last the entire week. Huzzah!
More annoying than the Macarena
To Thor, God of Short shorts and other skanky outfits,

You have to help me! I played Dragon Warrior 4 three years ago adn I

can't get one of the songs out of my head. IT'S BEEM THREE YEARS!! Sometimes it will just grate in the back of my mind barly noticed, like Muzak. Other times, whne I'm lying in bed, it bothers me with full force, like a Spice girls song. I am now appealing to you in your infinate, sexy wisdom to tell me if a trick exists to get rid of Alena's theme song from my mind? Otherwise I may be forced to climb the ivory tower of RPG gamer and slay all those within in a vain attempt to regain my sanity! "Dooo-doo-do-di-do-dooo"

- Moogle Child, Leader of the Bring Back Naked FoSoYa Foundation

Bring back... what?!

Despite you being a sicko, I've decided to help you. Getting any song out of your head is easy. Just click here and listen to this midi for at least five minutes. If you survive, you'll never have to worry about Alena's theme again.

Back to the basics
Yo Thor,

I am one of the many who are currently playing through Legend of Legaia. I've noticed something that sets it apart from all of the other playstation RPGs I have played (FF7, PE, Xenogears, FFT) in an important way: there are no translation errors that hinder my understanding of what's happening. At some point in each of those games I just mentioned, I felt I was missing some important plot element due to a poorly-tranlated line of dialog. But there is none of this in LoL. I mean, it wasn't until 20 hours into the game when a shopkeeper said something that didn't make much sense, but that is the *only* error I have noticed, and an unimportant one at that. Even though the story is a simple one, at least I'm not sitting there scratching my head and saying "huh?" every few lines of dialog.

- -=Drayke=-

Silly sig. alert!

Yeah, Legend of Legaia's translation rules. It's probably the best I've seen since the glory days of Ted Woozilla. (Remeber when you could actually understand a Square game? Mmm... nice, wasn't it?)

One of the most enjoyable things about Legend of Legaia is the strong sense of nostalgia you're almost guaranteed to feel every time you pick up the controller. From the storyline, to the difficulty, to the wicked retro enemies you battle. The boys at Contrail are fans of classic RPGs, and it shows. One of the only things that kept me playing Wild ARMs was how much it reminded me of Final Fanatsy II. Allrighty then.

I'd much rather be "God of Thunder"...
Hail god of obscene, sick, twisted, and otherwise perverted titles!

When your running behind, and the column is gonna be updated late, be sure to remember that there are a portion of sensible forgiving readers that still think you rock. Yes, that's right...when the columns late I don't get disgruntled angry...when theres typos I shrug...and when lamesacks write in to complain about it I make sure to make a mental not to shun them from then on. I'm like that way with just about everything, and I must say it's a much nicer way to live than bitching about every minor detai of everything. Everyone would be much happier if they could learn to sit back and mellow out. If Tactics had some absurd translation errors, that's ok, just take the game as a whole which rocked and be happy after you win. Even if Xenogears is extremely linear, and there are aproximately 58.6 hours of text, if you think of it as a good book, then all of a sudden it's one of your favorite games and you get warm fuzzies at the end.

Don't you agree?

- Grrrrrrrrantis (yeah that's right Grrrrrrrrantis!)

Wow. What a nice letter. I'm speechless, so let's move on. :D
The following is a joke. Really!
Hey there! Please tell us about the time you and Nobuo Uematsu got baked and watched MTV for twelve hours. I bet he musta been REAL out of it when he went back to work the next day.

- Sarah

It started out innocently enough. Nobuo invited me over to his house to listen to the Final Fantasy IX soundtrack. (It's pretty good, but nothing will beat Final Fantasy VI, if you ask me.) Things were nice and kosher until Nuby (as his friends call him) got that mischievous glint in his eye, and produced a rather large joint from his shirt pocket. Not being one to insult a hospitable host, I took a few puffs. The rest of the night is more or less a blur, though I do remember a few token moments: Nuby showing me his prized bong shaped like Cloud's sword, Nuby packing the bowl of said bong with prime Mexican, Nuby dancing around me in a circle, with a large Mog mask on his head, chanting "Dust it! Dust it!". Then there was the hour we spent trying to scrounge together $20 for a pizza before realizing that it was 3:42am, and nothing was open. Oh, and I remember being hungry. Really, really hungry. But that's about it.
Greetings god of Thordom (as opposed to boredom),

In regards to the Tenchi Muyo RPG that was commented on yesterday:

The game takes place under the premise that Sasami is captured by a greenish haired young woman (who strangely bears a resemblance to Sasami) and several of the group set off to rescue her. The world has several maps you must progress through, with encounters in every area. Such maps include Tenchu's backyard, an alien planet and some strange spaceship. Throughout the different areas you can collect all of the familiar characters from the Tenchi Muyo OVA series (i.e., no Kiyone) including Katsuhito (grandpa), Washu and of course, Ryo-ohki. The battle scenes are alot like the Shining Force games with melee attacks, range attacks, etc. As a character gains experience it gains additional abilities. Tenchu's ultimate attack for example, is the infamous 'wings of the light hawk' (for those who are familiar with the OVA series) and Ryo-ohki sending hundreds of it's self bounding at the enemy. The game is difficult, but not impossible to find in emulator format (which you should NOT use because that would be evil! ^_^) however is all in Japanese. While this makes it impossible to understand precisely what is going on, Tenchu fans will get the gist just by looking at the facial expressions and reactions (particularly between Ayeka and Ryoko). Bottom line, it is a great game and a shame it was not translated for US release.

- Maximillian

Thanks, dude. I never can tell if these "gradual explanation" threads annoy or entertain, but it's nice to get the full story on a little-known RPG now and then.
The Legend of Thor Gets Some
Yo Thor, I got a surprise for you! Well seeing as it was the off chance I had an hour and a half of free time (read: I have that much EVERY DAY), I decided to make the greatest thing to grace RPGamer


Infoabout the game for which only 3 copies were manufactured, which I have one of! So go and read it, then fill t with blarg and let all you know read it!

Man! It seems everyone has a copy of that game but me. Grumble.
A few suggestions to make this game a little better. (Trust me.)
  1. Use the main theme from Shaft somewhere in this game. You can't go wrong.
  2. Make one of the main characters Judge Mills Lane. He needs to be in an rpg. He could be like the Cid from FFVII. If not a main character, maybe the final boss.
  3. Get the game out quick and cash in on Star Wars Mania by calling the game "Legend of Thor: Episode I: Thor Gets Some".
  4. Put commercials in MTV. It worked before.

    - Waterman64

Heh heh, great suggestions. (My personal favorite being #1.)
I would like to bring to the attention of Amy Lynn Halbrook,esq,that I have finished the script for Legend of Thor Gets Some and will trade it for a lucious fruit pie. Here is a sample.

So where's my Pulitzer?

- Wyvern

Er, well, I can think of one change I'd like to make to that script...
Why Windows, as "gay" as it may be, rules.
1.) I've been an avid reader for a few months now, and even though this really isn't a question, I figured you might like to know...

It's very painful to read your column in Xwindow's Netscape.

Attached to this email is a screenshot of yesterday's (5/6/99) column. I had to whip out the magnifying glass for this one. The font is, literally, 4pt. It's barely legible, but probably unknown, because I'm probably your only Xwindows reader. I figured you'd probably find some weird humor out of this screenshot however, and sent it along to you.

Jeez, that's awful. No wonder I don't get much fan mail from Xwindows users. Can't you hit CTRL+] to increase the font size...?
2.) Is Shadow "Heartbreaker" Zero female? We all assume it's a he but do we *really* know what lurks under that black costume?

- Rob

Great shades of Elvis! Rob, you've discovered RPGamer's most heavily guarded secret! Yes, it's true. Much like Samus was a girl, so too is Shadow Zero. The strange thing is, when I asked her for a comment, the only thing she'd say is something like "karma chameleon"...? Weird.
"Michael" was the last Joel MST3K. Let's make Michael pay!
Mail Michael
(Hut hut hut, on the dauuuuhble!)
Like Old Crap?
Try the Archives
(Beware the Typoes)
Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?
The Hack Archive
Thor Antrim: Anime Style
(Edit me. It's fun.)
Quote of the Undetermined Amount of Time
"I have a big problem with Xenogears. The game isn't realistic enough. Here is an example: you can jump on people's heads. This pisses me off!"
- Cloud's hair gel
Quickies that dance and cavort naked under the light of a full moon
I just noticed the little dancing ninja guy next to your name at the bottom of the column. I decided to watch him dance for a little while. After about 15 hours of watching him dance, he just kinda collapsed. Now no matter what I do (i.e. refresh, reboot the computer and reload the page) he just lies there.I think I killed him.
- Unright
Oh my God! You killed.... naw, on second thought, I'd better not. Too cliche.
Thor, I must warn you. You must republish that page that had the "Final Fantasy VII Editor". You must warn people that it does not work for the PC edition of Final Fantasy VII. I have tired it many times but it will just mess up every time. Please, warn people about this! Duly noted, dude.
Damnit, I wanted to be the first one to send you Terri Hatcher porn!
- TheGreyOne
Wellll.... nothing wrong with being the second, is there? Heh, heh.
Thor Stuff: Egotism at its finest

Wow, I don't think I received even one correction concerning yesterday's "TOO FREAKING BIG" column. I have to send out credit to Jassyfish and Naz, who helped me proofread that monster. (In other words, they did all the work while I sat back and drank Blue Sky Mandarin Orange soda.)
Amy Lynn Holbrook, esq., lead programmer of The Legend of Thor Gets Some, wanted everyone to know that esq. meant:
1 : a member of the English gentry ranking below a knight

2 : a candidate for knighthood serving as shield bearer and attendant to a knight

3 -- used as a title of courtesy usu. placed in its abbreviated form after the surname <John R. Smith, Esq.>

4 archaic : a landed proprietor

Wow. How does she find the time to program and proprietor land? Amazing.
A couple of readers wrote in accusing the author of "my ffvii page" of ripping off original material from "Rocket Town : The ShinRa No 26" and trying to pass it off as his or her own. I can't say who's right, as I know nothing of the matter, but I will say this: Ripping people off is lame as Hades. Writing a quick letter and asking permission to store someone's material on your page is easy as pie, and if you ask nicely, the author is usually happy his work's getting more exposure.
Okay guys, this weekend I want ya'll to do something different. You all have a favorite RPG, right? So dust it off and play five or ten hours. If you notice your nostalgia-soaked opinion changing any after actually playing the sucker again, I'd like to hear about it.


Ohh, you like?! Thor "Sexypants" Antrim
Listening to The Call of Ktulu while reading The Call of Cthulhu is fun.

© 1998-2017 RPGamer All Rights Reserved
Privacy Policy