Hardcore |porn wrestling gaming
I have a great suggestion for anyone who wants me to
update at noon again:
Stop reading this column. Close your web browser. Tomorrow, at noon, log onto
RPGamer and pretend it was recently updated. Ta da!
|Hey, at least it's not a Final Fantasy VII question|
Hiya Thor, Gawd of RPG, Q&A, Thunder, etc.
The Dreamcast symbol is an old magic symbol that supposed to draw good
energy in. Do you think Sega knows that?
- Ami Q3 'What happened to the dancing ninja?'
That's a mighty queer nickname...
I bet they do. Heck, I bet they asked for a good luck symbol. I'm surprised
the Dreamcast wasn't shaped like a four leaf clover, with Sega's history
of system failures. As for ol' Shadow Zero, he's off training with
WCW's Disco Inferno for an upcoming PPV. Until his return, please enjoy
the exotic talents of FuSoYa, the "nighty lil' schoolgirl".
|Confessions of a newbie|
Quick question. I thought I was a "newbie" for the longest time,
since my first RPG was FFVII. But a few days ago I realized, "Hey, I
remember playing 'Zelda II: The Adventure of Link' when I was a wee lad!"
Do you consider Zelda to be RPG? If so, taking into account my nine year
absence from RPGs, am I no longer a "newbie", or does that not count?
Thanks Thorgasm (sorry, I couldn't resist!).
- ZER016, no longer a newbie(?)
Yeah, Zelda II: The Adventure of Link is an RPG. Action/RPG, really. It's the only Zelda
game with any real RPG elements, for that matter. In fact, Zelda was
my first RPG as well. Then I moved on to Ultima: Exodus, and several
years later, Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest. It came down to that or
King of Monsters. Glad I picked the former.
The whole traditional/hardcore/newbie gamer thing is something which
often leads nowhere but a bigass argument. Here's a good rule of
thumb: If you got into RPGs less than six months ago, you're a
newbie. If you care more about gameplay than storyline, loved that
Legend of Legaia was so difficult, or to this day play games like
Dragon Warrior IV and 7th Saga, you're "hardcore". And finally, if
you bitch about any minute change, whether it's for the better or
not, you're a traditional gamer. You whiny little child, you.
|Final Fantasy V for the PC type stuff|
In the July 1998 issue of Computer Gaming World, an article on a planned
North American PC port of Final Fantasy V was published along with
screenshots displaying English text. I don't know if this project was ever
confirmed by Square Soft, but the screens and information given seem as if
they are genuine. For one thing, the translation is nothing like the
unofficial one completed by RPGe. Second of all, in the screens Square
seems to have modified the game from the original Super Famicom version as
the ATB guage bar has changed in appearance, and some screens have a
border featuring the FFV logo (a dragon) to the left and rightmost parts
of the screen. Anyhow, I will include some name changes and script quotes
in the following paragraph. There will be a major spoiler at the end, so
don't read it if you really don't want to. I would hate to spoil the plot
for you, since the article did for me.
According to the article, some name changes will be that Butz will change
to Bartz, Lenna to Reina, and Exdeath to X-Death. Magic classes listed are
White, Black, Blue, Time/Space, Call, and Chemical. Jobs are Knight, White
Mage, Summoner, Dragoon, etc. Now for the script quotes.
This one is by Faris when her gender is revealed and everyone is
surprised: Faris: Don't ye talk down ta me, jes 'cause I be a woman!!
This one is by Exdeath, when he meets the party.
X-Death: I'm BACK! Miss me, Galuf? Mwa, ha, ha, ha...
Now, I'm not really certain if Ted Woolsey translated this at all. In
fact, the Faris' dialogue reminds me of FF7, in a way. What do you think?
I think you wrote a very interesting letter, so I decided to print it.
Can't really add much, here. There's only so much Final Fantasy Anthology
speculation one Q&A dude can handle. Hopefully, that isn't the script,
'cause if I have to read pirate gal's broken english for the entire game,
I'll simply lose it.|
|The following exchange is really just an excuse to post that cool Chocoball picture|
In FFT, chocobos use an attack called "Chocoball", which involves
several little balls flying out and hitting the enemy. I think that's
another good hint as to the origin of the name.
Okay. Just trying to wrap this little debate up -- a bit late, too, I fear.
This is Kai from Nausicaa. This
is the Chocoball mascot (who isn't even yellow; he's red with yellow highlights).
Now, which reminds you more of a chocobo?
A giant ostridge-like creature which is used as a form of transportation
for warriors, or a Toucan Sam ripoff with a weight problem? Yeah, yeah,
I know, Square got the idea from the candy, blah blah. Save it. Square might've
got the name from the candy, and had a little fun with an attack in FFT, but
if Chocobos were directly inspired by the candy and not the anime, why the
hell aren't Chocobos deformed tropical birds with eating disorders? I rest
my case. |
|An outsider's opinion?|
Howdy Thor. I don't want to bore you, but I've got a little ranting to
I've noticed lots of RPGamers seem to compare the "real" RPGamers
instead of the common masses. These are the people who totally slam FFVII
cause its not a "traditional"-looking RPG. I constantly read these people
get up on their high horse about how much Parasite Eve sucked and any true
RPG gamer thinks FF3us is the best ever, etc etc etc.
Well, I must respond. I am a long-time serious gamer. In fact, the first
games I remember were pong and Spacewar!, if you can imagine anybody that
old. But I must make a confession. I never got into the RPG thing until
I saw the FFVII TV commercial. All that pretty FMV won my heart. Up
until then it was all Sierra, with a little id. But Square completely won
me over. Parasite Eve is another one of my favorites. All those
graphics, and an intriguing story (I thought) were great!
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm trying to say that I
actually play RPGs for the very reasons you people slam them: great
graphics, storyline, fluff, etc. When I'm in the mood for gameplay, I pop
in Goldeneye or Command & Conquer. I play RPGs because I want to immerse
myself into another world. And with better graphics and linear
storylines, it just becomes that much more immersive. So before you
long-time RPGamers who've won every FF and DW game there is start slamming
these "cinematic RPGs", please remember that the idiot public uninformed
masses actually make up the majority of gamers. So when we spend millions
because of that "crappy" FFVII commercial which didn't show a single
moment of gameplay, it only means Square makes that much more money so
they can make your Xenogearses and Chrono Trigger 2 or something.
Hopefully I'm not the only person out here who feels like this, or else
I've just invited some pretty hefty flaming.
P.S. That bright thing in the sky is called the sun, since you're probably
not used to it.
- Todd, an unenlightened idiot of the masses
I wasn't going to print this letter up until I read the bit about how
Final Fantasy VII paid for Xenogears. And you know what? It's true.
Without the sucess of Final Fantasy VII, Square couldn't possibly have
pumped out that many quality titles.
I still find it kind of ironic that Chrono Trigger, which was basically
the Final Fantasy VII of the SNES (i.e., it introduced RPGs to the masses),
is being praised by the same people who slam Final Fantasy VII. Chrono
Trigger was easy, there were only three characters in your party, and it
was very, very pretty. Ring a bell, anyone?
|See Joe. See Joe kill Kefka in two hits. Bad Joe, bad.|
Here's a bit of trivia for you: How many final bosses in Final Fantasys
can be beaten in two or less turns of a character?
Answer, you ask?
Well, the first obvious one is Sephiroth. Spend a few millenium
powering up Knights of the Round or Cloud to obscenely high levels (Before
you ask, yes I've done both...) and go knock on Sephiroth's door.
Correction: Bash in Sephiroth's door and tell him just why we don't like
him on the Planet.
Oop... hey, here's a second one! Kefka is beatable in two turns, with a
little luck and obscenely high levels. For all of you who have nothing to
do beside watch the little triple-X rated version of FuSoYa; try this.
It's only a five step plan! Step One: Build Terra to level 99, or
something so damned close that she starts looking down on other characters
with disdain. Step Two: Get yer Atma Weapon and Illumina. (Both of these
attack power's are based on current HP, FYI) Equip these and the Genji
Glove and the Offering. (If you don't know this trick, seek help.) Step
Three: Knock on Kefka's door with Terra in your attack party, and hope to
God she's not killed before Kefka, and make sure her HP is full. Step
Four: Morph her the first turn. Step Five: Attack the second. Instant
Curly Kefka Fries in seconds, and it only costs 19.95 plus shipping and
I've been searchin' for another boss with such an ease of
disintegration, and I eagerly away eight, so I can find a way there.
(Y'all know there will be...) It's theoretically possible with Tactics,
but no one wants to sit around long enough to build your characters that
- The Resident Square God
I have an idea. Instead of looking for Final Fantasy bosses, lets look
for RPG bosses that can be killed in two hits. I mean, this isn't
Square Net anymore, guys... we can discuss non-Square games. :D|
|Another joke. Yay!|
Q: Where do the fairies in Zelda shop for their clothes?
A: Old Navi!
I don't know if I should laugh at his joke or grab a lead
pipe and begin the punishment. Oh, I know -- I'll do both!|| ||
|Sir? I can help you down at asile #3.|
(Michael loves it when people call him "Smelly". Please, cater to his fetish.)
|Like Old Crap?|
|Try the Archives|
(Beware the Typoes)
|Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?|
|The Hack Archive|
(Edit me. It's fun.)
|Quote of the Undetermined Amount of Time|
|"Never name the hero in Suikoden 'Bater'"|
(Heh heh, see? RPGamer staff members do have a sense of humor!)
Quickies are fun for girls and boys of all ages!
Hey, I liked Aeris's death scene. Am I morbid?
(It was probably a phallic inside joke anyway.)
- Jake Wallace
No, you're just a pervert. Welcome to the club!
ha ha, I'm going to Hawaii and you're not!
- The Snoremaster of Trafalgamore
May you die of a yet undiscovered diseas -- I mean, have a nice trip, man.
The spell in FFV that changes your character into frogs is isn't named
Kururu. It's named Kaeru, which, in japanese stands for (DUH!) Frog. Just
oughta let you now.
- Gab L.
We could have settled all of this if we had just asked Kermit in the fist place.
I think that Leigion 007 should quit complaining about how he "can't read
the column when he gets home from school." I live on a military base in
Italy, and I don't care when it is posted, because I get the column a day
- Petau Sese Boutrous Boutrous Seko Mfuti Tutu Annan
I think this Quickie sends a good message. Never fall too deep into a well of
self pity, for no mater how bad your life may seem, there's a guy with an
absurdly long name stuck in an Italian military base who has it worse than you
|Thor Stuff: Egotism at its finest|
I guess I have to ask again:
Don't send me letters in response to an editorial. Know
what you're supposed to do when you disagree with an
editorial? That's right... write your own! Hey! There's
a novel idea!
I mean, these letters that keep coming in, they have a token
"what do you think, Thor?" at the end, but they've no in Ask
Thor. Maybe if we finally roasted the abysmal editorail
section, and ya'll were left with no place to vent, but for
now, just discuss there. You want my opinion on the editorial?
I didn't read it. RPGamer editorials suck.
So please, write intelligent, witty, spellchecked editorials
on the Colorado incident, or write a response to the infamous
editorial which everyone has something to say about; heck, write an
editorial on your favorite nickname for me. Just... don't write me
about it. Moving on:
R.L. Stine doesn't just write childrens books. Okay then.
Don't forget to send Michael your Dawin Award entries. Or else!
A few guys are pissed about the "Dreamcast"
report. I'm not the news guy, so I can't really respond one way or the
other -- though personally I hope Square will never go to the DC,
because I have no plans of buying the failure to be, and I'm stingy
that way. Sorry, Segaheads.
Todays column was weird. I can't even define why. It's just... odd. Kind of
strangely themed, or something.
Ahh well, never you mind. I'm heading off for another bout of Xenogears induced
frustration. (It's hard! It's actually hard! I've been killed twice by random
Thor "god of blunder" Antrim
Go watch The Ghostbusters. 'Cause I say so, that's why.