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I have a great suggestion for anyone who wants me to update at noon again:

Stop reading this column. Close your web browser. Tomorrow, at noon, log onto RPGamer and pretend it was recently updated. Ta da!

Hey, at least it's not a Final Fantasy VII question
Hiya Thor, Gawd of RPG, Q&A, Thunder, etc.

The Dreamcast symbol is an old magic symbol that supposed to draw good energy in. Do you think Sega knows that?

- Ami Q3 'What happened to the dancing ninja?'

That's a mighty queer nickname...

I bet they do. Heck, I bet they asked for a good luck symbol. I'm surprised the Dreamcast wasn't shaped like a four leaf clover, with Sega's history of system failures. As for ol' Shadow Zero, he's off training with WCW's Disco Inferno for an upcoming PPV. Until his return, please enjoy the exotic talents of FuSoYa, the "nighty lil' schoolgirl".

Confessions of a newbie
Hey Thor:

Quick question. I thought I was a "newbie" for the longest time, since my first RPG was FFVII. But a few days ago I realized, "Hey, I remember playing 'Zelda II: The Adventure of Link' when I was a wee lad!" Do you consider Zelda to be RPG? If so, taking into account my nine year absence from RPGs, am I no longer a "newbie", or does that not count? Thanks Thorgasm (sorry, I couldn't resist!).

- ZER016, no longer a newbie(?)

Yeah, Zelda II: The Adventure of Link is an RPG. Action/RPG, really. It's the only Zelda game with any real RPG elements, for that matter. In fact, Zelda was my first RPG as well. Then I moved on to Ultima: Exodus, and several years later, Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest. It came down to that or King of Monsters. Glad I picked the former.

The whole traditional/hardcore/newbie gamer thing is something which often leads nowhere but a bigass argument. Here's a good rule of thumb: If you got into RPGs less than six months ago, you're a newbie. If you care more about gameplay than storyline, loved that Legend of Legaia was so difficult, or to this day play games like Dragon Warrior IV and 7th Saga, you're "hardcore". And finally, if you bitch about any minute change, whether it's for the better or not, you're a traditional gamer. You whiny little child, you.

Final Fantasy V for the PC type stuff
(FFV spoilers)
Hey Thor,

In the July 1998 issue of Computer Gaming World, an article on a planned North American PC port of Final Fantasy V was published along with screenshots displaying English text. I don't know if this project was ever confirmed by Square Soft, but the screens and information given seem as if they are genuine. For one thing, the translation is nothing like the unofficial one completed by RPGe. Second of all, in the screens Square seems to have modified the game from the original Super Famicom version as the ATB guage bar has changed in appearance, and some screens have a border featuring the FFV logo (a dragon) to the left and rightmost parts of the screen. Anyhow, I will include some name changes and script quotes in the following paragraph. There will be a major spoiler at the end, so don't read it if you really don't want to. I would hate to spoil the plot for you, since the article did for me.

According to the article, some name changes will be that Butz will change to Bartz, Lenna to Reina, and Exdeath to X-Death. Magic classes listed are White, Black, Blue, Time/Space, Call, and Chemical. Jobs are Knight, White Mage, Summoner, Dragoon, etc. Now for the script quotes.

This one is by Faris when her gender is revealed and everyone is surprised: Faris: Don't ye talk down ta me, jes 'cause I be a woman!!

This one is by Exdeath, when he meets the party. X-Death: I'm BACK! Miss me, Galuf? Mwa, ha, ha, ha...

Now, I'm not really certain if Ted Woolsey translated this at all. In fact, the Faris' dialogue reminds me of FF7, in a way. What do you think?

- DarkElf

I think you wrote a very interesting letter, so I decided to print it. Can't really add much, here. There's only so much Final Fantasy Anthology speculation one Q&A dude can handle. Hopefully, that isn't the script, 'cause if I have to read pirate gal's broken english for the entire game, I'll simply lose it.
The following exchange is really just an excuse to post that cool Chocoball picture
In FFT, chocobos use an attack called "Chocoball", which involves several little balls flying out and hitting the enemy. I think that's another good hint as to the origin of the name.

- Shinyhat

Okay. Just trying to wrap this little debate up -- a bit late, too, I fear. This is Kai from Nausicaa. This is the Chocoball mascot (who isn't even yellow; he's red with yellow highlights). Now, which reminds you more of a chocobo? A giant ostridge-like creature which is used as a form of transportation for warriors, or a Toucan Sam ripoff with a weight problem? Yeah, yeah, I know, Square got the idea from the candy, blah blah. Save it. Square might've got the name from the candy, and had a little fun with an attack in FFT, but if Chocobos were directly inspired by the candy and not the anime, why the hell aren't Chocobos deformed tropical birds with eating disorders? I rest my case.
An outsider's opinion?
Howdy Thor. I don't want to bore you, but I've got a little ranting to do.

I've noticed lots of RPGamers seem to compare the "real" RPGamers instead of the common masses. These are the people who totally slam FFVII cause its not a "traditional"-looking RPG. I constantly read these people get up on their high horse about how much Parasite Eve sucked and any true RPG gamer thinks FF3us is the best ever, etc etc etc.

Well, I must respond. I am a long-time serious gamer. In fact, the first games I remember were pong and Spacewar!, if you can imagine anybody that old. But I must make a confession. I never got into the RPG thing until I saw the FFVII TV commercial. All that pretty FMV won my heart. Up until then it was all Sierra, with a little id. But Square completely won me over. Parasite Eve is another one of my favorites. All those graphics, and an intriguing story (I thought) were great!

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm trying to say that I actually play RPGs for the very reasons you people slam them: great graphics, storyline, fluff, etc. When I'm in the mood for gameplay, I pop in Goldeneye or Command & Conquer. I play RPGs because I want to immerse myself into another world. And with better graphics and linear storylines, it just becomes that much more immersive. So before you long-time RPGamers who've won every FF and DW game there is start slamming these "cinematic RPGs", please remember that the idiot public uninformed masses actually make up the majority of gamers. So when we spend millions because of that "crappy" FFVII commercial which didn't show a single moment of gameplay, it only means Square makes that much more money so they can make your Xenogearses and Chrono Trigger 2 or something.

Hopefully I'm not the only person out here who feels like this, or else I've just invited some pretty hefty flaming.

P.S. That bright thing in the sky is called the sun, since you're probably not used to it.

- Todd, an unenlightened idiot of the masses

I wasn't going to print this letter up until I read the bit about how Final Fantasy VII paid for Xenogears. And you know what? It's true. Without the sucess of Final Fantasy VII, Square couldn't possibly have pumped out that many quality titles.

I still find it kind of ironic that Chrono Trigger, which was basically the Final Fantasy VII of the SNES (i.e., it introduced RPGs to the masses), is being praised by the same people who slam Final Fantasy VII. Chrono Trigger was easy, there were only three characters in your party, and it was very, very pretty. Ring a bell, anyone?

See Joe. See Joe kill Kefka in two hits. Bad Joe, bad.
Here's a bit of trivia for you: How many final bosses in Final Fantasys can be beaten in two or less turns of a character?

Answer, you ask?

Well, the first obvious one is Sephiroth. Spend a few millenium powering up Knights of the Round or Cloud to obscenely high levels (Before you ask, yes I've done both...) and go knock on Sephiroth's door. Correction: Bash in Sephiroth's door and tell him just why we don't like him on the Planet.

Oop... hey, here's a second one! Kefka is beatable in two turns, with a little luck and obscenely high levels. For all of you who have nothing to do beside watch the little triple-X rated version of FuSoYa; try this. It's only a five step plan! Step One: Build Terra to level 99, or something so damned close that she starts looking down on other characters with disdain. Step Two: Get yer Atma Weapon and Illumina. (Both of these attack power's are based on current HP, FYI) Equip these and the Genji Glove and the Offering. (If you don't know this trick, seek help.) Step Three: Knock on Kefka's door with Terra in your attack party, and hope to God she's not killed before Kefka, and make sure her HP is full. Step Four: Morph her the first turn. Step Five: Attack the second. Instant Curly Kefka Fries in seconds, and it only costs 19.95 plus shipping and handling!

I've been searchin' for another boss with such an ease of disintegration, and I eagerly away eight, so I can find a way there. (Y'all know there will be...) It's theoretically possible with Tactics, but no one wants to sit around long enough to build your characters that high...

- The Resident Square God

I have an idea. Instead of looking for Final Fantasy bosses, lets look for RPG bosses that can be killed in two hits. I mean, this isn't Square Net anymore, guys... we can discuss non-Square games. :D
Another joke. Yay!
Dear tHorney,

Q: Where do the fairies in Zelda shop for their clothes?

A: Old Navi!


- Arakin

I don't know if I should laugh at his joke or grab a lead pipe and begin the punishment. Oh, I know -- I'll do both!
Sir? I can help you down at asile #3.
Mail Michael
(Michael loves it when people call him "Smelly". Please, cater to his fetish.)
Like Old Crap?
Try the Archives
(Beware the Typoes)
Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?
The Hack Archive
Thor Antrim: Anime Style
(Edit me. It's fun.)
Quote of the Undetermined Amount of Time
"Never name the hero in Suikoden 'Bater'"
- Michael
(Heh heh, see? RPGamer staff members do have a sense of humor!)
Quickies are fun for girls and boys of all ages!
Hey, I liked Aeris's death scene. Am I morbid? (It was probably a phallic inside joke anyway.)
- Jake Wallace
No, you're just a pervert. Welcome to the club!
ha ha, I'm going to Hawaii and you're not!
- The Snoremaster of Trafalgamore
May you die of a yet undiscovered diseas -- I mean, have a nice trip, man.
The spell in FFV that changes your character into frogs is isn't named Kururu. It's named Kaeru, which, in japanese stands for (DUH!) Frog. Just oughta let you now.
- Gab L.
We could have settled all of this if we had just asked Kermit in the fist place.
I think that Leigion 007 should quit complaining about how he "can't read the column when he gets home from school." I live on a military base in Italy, and I don't care when it is posted, because I get the column a day late!

- Petau Sese Boutrous Boutrous Seko Mfuti Tutu Annan

I think this Quickie sends a good message. Never fall too deep into a well of self pity, for no mater how bad your life may seem, there's a guy with an absurdly long name stuck in an Italian military base who has it worse than you do.
Thor Stuff: Egotism at its finest

I guess I have to ask again: Don't send me letters in response to an editorial. Know what you're supposed to do when you disagree with an editorial? That's right... write your own! Hey! There's a novel idea! I mean, these letters that keep coming in, they have a token "what do you think, Thor?" at the end, but they've no in Ask Thor. Maybe if we finally roasted the abysmal editorail section, and ya'll were left with no place to vent, but for now, just discuss there. You want my opinion on the editorial?

I didn't read it. RPGamer editorials suck.

So please, write intelligent, witty, spellchecked editorials on the Colorado incident, or write a response to the infamous editorial which everyone has something to say about; heck, write an editorial on your favorite nickname for me. Just... don't write me about it. Moving on:

R.L. Stine doesn't just write childrens books. Okay then.

Don't forget to send Michael your Dawin Award entries. Or else!

A few guys are pissed about the "Dreamcast" rumor news report. I'm not the news guy, so I can't really respond one way or the other -- though personally I hope Square will never go to the DC, because I have no plans of buying the failure to be, and I'm stingy that way. Sorry, Segaheads.

Todays column was weird. I can't even define why. It's just... odd. Kind of strangely themed, or something.

Ahh well, never you mind. I'm heading off for another bout of Xenogears induced frustration. (It's hard! It's actually hard! I've been killed twice by random battles! YEEHAW!)


Yeah, baby! Take it off! Take it ALL OFF! Thor "god of blunder" Antrim
Go watch The Ghostbusters. 'Cause I say so, that's why.

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