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Questions concerning the issues that matter most to you
 
 
Heh heh, did you buy that?

The archives are nice and updated and redesigned and la de da. What follows is your standard column. Not much more can be said, aside from "THOR IS A COOL GUY!". Go on -- say it. Don't make me hurt you! Aww, are you gonna cry? Is the big baby gonna have himself a cry? Pa-thetic.

 
A slightly confusing question
Is this a decent game for neo geo pocket color. And if it is, do you know anywhere I can get ahold of a faq for it.

Thanx

- Tsunami

After a few seconds spent pondering the meaning of this letter, I noticed the subject was "bio motor unitron question". I have never heard of that sucker. This should be interesting.

Mmkay, it's an RPG... there are 10 player characters... s'got big robots... and it's for the Neo Geo Pocket Color... and that's it. Information is scarce, so your chances of finding a FAQ are slim.

 
Didn't Chris Farley do this skit on SNL?
Dear Mr. Thor With The Thing And The Hey And The Froinlayven,

What is it with the "quotes" in all the recent Square "translations" lately, anyway? They're driving me "crazy."

As far as I know, in some Japanese games the same symbol is used for emphasis and quotation. (If you've played Wild ARMs, you know what they look like.) The problem is translators seem to just do a massive Search/Replace, instead of actually paying attention to the script, and using the right symbol for the right job.
Also, will there ever be a time when any "translator" on any modern "console" game will learn the difference between "you're" and "your," "they're" "their" and "there," "to" "too" and "two?" Or is it too much to "hope" for?

- "Pook!"

I wish I could learn the difference between them. Seriously though, yeah, try Working Designs. They actually care. And shockingly enough, Legend of Legaia has a great translation (at least what I've seen of it so far, I haven't completed the game yet).
 
I see Paris, I see France...
Dear Thorgasm (by the way, I'm a guy. Don't you feel filthy now?)
Yeah, but that feeling's pretty normal for me.
Last week I was in France. I was in a city in the southern part of the country named Aix-en-Provence, and I stumbled into a video game store. I figured I'd check out what they had for PSX games, and low and behold, what do I see? Final Fantasy 8! Now, it had a little sticker on it, that said something in French. To the best of my ability, I translated it to Beta version. But it was in a double CD case, and was not another game that came with a demo. It also cost about 500 francs, which is about 83 American dollars. First thought was that it was the Japanese version. But it wasn't written in Japanese. Second thought was that the Japanese and European version were released at about the same time, but I've heard before that Europe usually doesn't get the game for a year or longer after Japan. So I wanted to know if you could shed some light on this. Just to further confuse you, they were carrying a similar copy of Saga Frontier 2, and a few other games, not all from Square, that haven't been released yet.

- Confused in France

I have no clue. Maybe it was an imported copy of the Japanese version in a translated package. Or, uh, something. Anyone out there have an idea what Confused found?
 
SO many QUESTIONS I can't even THINK of a TOPIC!
(Various Final Fantasy spoilage, dude)
Dear Thor, Omnipotent Deity of Fulmination, Inconsequential Gatherer of Recreational Connundrums, and Wearer of Erotic Trousers:

A. Exactly what tragic consequences would result if I DID operate the Playstation controllers with my head, elbows, or stomach? I've operated my SNES with my ears for the longest time and haven't had any problems, although the voices inside my head never leave me alone.

Sony's Evil Lawyers will sue you for misuse of their fine product. Sony will also sue if the Dual Shock is used as a meat tenderizer, a boomerrang, or a sexual aid. (My apologies for that last one. As a certified smartass, I was contractually bound.)
2. My favorite Final Fantasy Moment was the assault against the Giant of Bab-il in FF IV, but it's not one of the choices. Farfennoogen!!
Neither is FF6's "leap" scene at the beginning of the World of Ruin. Ahh well, I guess we couldn't include everything.
IV. If Lorelai's not feeling so well, why don't you be kind and return the favor by making HER some of those Prozac cookies?
As much as I'd love to play doctor with for my lovely and talented colleague, I'm afraid she's the only one that knows the seven secret herbs and spices that go into prozac cookies, so I'm unable to whip up a batch for her.
00000101. My important question. Do you think anything will be edited in the U.S. translation of Final Fantasy V? I have the same "completely legal translated copy" that LockeZ had, and I was wondering what other words were suitable for the crystal spirit of "Air Quest." That, and the lap dance in the Tule pub.
No one knows. I've heard Woolsey translated FFV before he left Square, and they've been sitting on the script ever since. Chances are anything of really adult nature was edited out, or at least only alluded to. On the other hand, if Square actually writes a new translation, we could be in for a real treat. Xenogears proved typos and mistakes are (mostly) a thing of the past in Square games, and FFV wouldn't be bogged down by the mountains of text like Xenog....

Oh, wait; this would mean Square would make a decision which didn't piss everyone off. Nevermind then!

Well, I shall go spend the next eternity focusing upon the animated Shadow Zero next to your name. Thanks a lot, take care, and may Teri Hatcher be forever aroused by your pants.

- The Chicken

 
Great moments in misuse
Hey thor..I agree totally with what Gianpiero said about the sony dual shock crud in the manual but I might add that there are plenty of morons out there and if someone was to be injured from using the dual shock like that then Sony could be liable for a HUGE lawsuit, but by putting that into the manual Sony is basically saving their asses if that were to happen.

Thought I'd let u know.....

- Marco

So unless Sony does its part to protect the magnificently unintelligent, they'll be sued. Poor guys. I mean, why even bother protecting someone who'd try and use the Dual Shock with their elbows? Hopefully this sort of person would try to retrieve a piece toast with their tongue, and die long before he or she could reproduce.
 
Suggested Reading
Yesterday I asked readers if they knew of any books or series which reminded them of RPGs. I received tons of feedback. Below are just a handfull of suggestions sent in by bookworms around the globe.
 
The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind is excellent. He is my favorite fantasy author, and has been for about 4 years now. The stories are excellent, and I would love to see an RPG set in the world he has created.

- Ats

 
Try reading Diamond Age and Snowcrash by Neal Stephenson. They're some of the best books I've ever read.
 
As I may have mentioned to you before, my RPG-like fantasy-type book series of choice is the renshai trilogy (not the renshai chronicales, I'm not up to them yet) by Mickey Zucker Reichert. They're great fantasy books based on swordsmanship and some odd form of Norse mythology. And there's a cool guy named Colbey Castilinsson in them.
- Colbey
They wouldn't happen to have a god named "Sexypants", would they?
 
Dennis L. McKiernan's books are at the top of my list. All of the Mithgar books are quality (well, some more than others), and that they all tie in together in one way or another (since they all take place in the same world) really makes you want to read more. The Iron Tower Trillogy (his first three books about Mithgar) is very much like Tolkien's LotR (read: almost exactly the same), but less wordy and less tedious.

Dave Duncan's Seventh Swordsman is a great trilogy, and his A Man of His Word quadrilogy is also fantastic. Yeah, so read these books, they might even be on tape (not likely though).

- Zach

Other suggestions include "Coldfire" by C. S. Friedman; Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker" trilogy; "Tailchaser's Song" by Tad Williams; "The Dragon and the George" by Gordon R. Dickson; "The chronicles of Amber" by Roger Zelazny; the "Groth" trilogy by Thor Antrim (heh heh, snuck that one in there); Steven Brust's "Dragaera", and countless others. Okay, maybe twenty others. But just 'cause I can count 'em doesn't mean I'm going to list 'em all.
 
So funny it stood out from the crowd
While I've read some Tolkien books and enjoyed them, I believe he has NOTHING on Piers Anthony. Anthony's Incarnations of Immortality series is one of the best "anthologies" ever written, I think. (I'm such a mark).
Aye, Piers Anthony books are fun as hades. Except "Firefly". That one was just weird...
By the way, something you may find humorous. During my English class, we were discussing 19th century authors such as Melville and Poe, and the teacher asked if any current authors have matched their impact on the literary world. While I said Piers Anthony, H.P. Lovecraft, and Clive Barker (only 4 people had heard of any of these authors. 4 of 25), the winner of this discussion by nearly unanimous vote was.. R.L. Stine. R.L. STINE, famed author of the mature-if-you're-under-7 series Goosebumps. I find that extremely sad, and if anything, it shows how.. illiterate the current generation of high-school students have become.
Excuse me, I have to go do my little "I was homeschooled!" dance again.
 
Unfit for Print
(Final Fantasy VI, VII spoilers)
I just want you to READ this. I'd like it posted but you never post any thing i send you anyway. What's wrong with the people who enter the polls? Obviously some people have only played playstation games. Everytime anything from FF7 is on a poll it gets tons of votes. PEOPLE. FF7 was ok but it wasn't that good compared to some of the other Final Fantasys. FF6 was substantially a better game. It had a better soundtrack. As for Kefka, he was pretty much pretty close in coolness with Sephiroth but Kefka was a good bad guy. Sephiroth wasn't fun to fight. Everyone wanted him to be a good guy. Kefka's motives were a lot clearer and made more sense. FF6's only real downside comes from the fact that the second half wasn't as good as the first half but it's not like the whole game can be equal in goodness either. So i'm telling you people, don't vote blindly if you've never played pretty much any of the games on the poll unless they're for playstaytion. And if you actually have maybe you should re-analyze your choice.

- Ross Levine

Time and time again, I receive letters such as this one. The content varies, but the message is always the same: "What's wrong with these people? They don't agree with me!"

It's called a poll. People give their opinions. You give yours. Get over it.

Was Final Fantasy VI better than Final Fantasy VII? Was Kefka a better baddy than Sephiroth? And for that matter, did Final Fantasy VI really go downhill in the World of Ruin? If you ask this guy, or me for that matter, yes. But that's just our opinions. Not fact. Plenty could, and do, disagree. Which is why there's a poll. To get a general idea what the masses think. Snub your nose at "newbies" and scoff because they enjoy Final Fantasy VII all you want. It's not going to change anything.

For the record, I voted the death of Aeris as the most memorable scene. Not because I've only played PlayStation RPGs, but because it affected me more than even the opera scene. Of course, the opera scene was powerful too -- indeed, it made John Romero cry! -- but just because you like it better doesn't mean the opera scene is better than the death scene, or that I'm wrong.

So next time you notice your favorite game, song or memory is losing in the polls, don't get mad, be glad. You're unique. After all, who wants think just like everyone else?

Damnit, I'm starting to sound like an anti-smoking campaign. End rant.

 
Dirty old men
can you send me nudie pix of FuSoYa?

- FuSoYa

Ask and you shall receive...
 
Want to try and get answers from an inept megalomaniac?
Mail Thor
(That's Mr. inept megalomaniac to you, pal.)
 
Like Old Crap?
Try the Archives
(Beware the Typoes)
 
Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?
The Hack Archive
Thor Antrim: Anime Style
(Edit me. It's fun.)
 
Quote of the Undetermined Amount of Time
"By the way, put back the Now Playing thingy or I will kill you."
- Unsigned
(Why I'll never agree to meet a fan.)
 
Quickies are fun for girls and boys of all ages!
I know your a Teri Hatcher fan so you should rent the movie Heavens Prisoner's. Fast forward to 41:43.
- MistaSopz
Heh heh, I do love my readers.
Actually, In FF5, there is an attack called Kururu, which turns your characters into frogs.
- Petau Sese Boutrous Boutrous Seko Tutu Annan
Ribbit.
During school today I was walking through the hall, and an idea for another nickname came up! How's "Hybrid of Mario and Pikachu"? Lemme explain...

Human/Male/Hammer-Mario
Hair/Thunder/Cuteness/Anime-Pikachu.

Fare thee well Thor "Son of Mario and Pikachu" Antrim.
-EE

You're weird, kid. Cool, but weird. Ahh well, I suppose even "Hybrid of Mario and Pikachu" is better than "Thorgy" or "Thorgasm". And what ever happened to good ol' "Sexypants"? Those were the days, man. Those were the days...
The boss music in Xenogears clearly says Sentient Mode is capable. Me and about... 3 other people I know all came up with that independantly, listen to the slow plot version if you don't believe me.
- Googleshng
Huh. He may have a point there.
"The Legend of Link Saving Zelda's Ass Every Friggin' Game" Not quite. Link's Awakening anyone? What about Zelda][? Hey, you had to save Zelda in Zelda II: The Adventures of Link! And as for Link's Awakening, it was about saving Zelda. She just got really fat, and liked floating in the ocean, and kind of collected enough dirt to support wildlife, and changed her name to Koholint. Honest!
 
Thor Stuff: Egotism at its finest

I know this isn't really my department... but does anyone out there have nifty fan art of Xenogears' Ramsus? He's just too cool.

Speaking of, I thought I was almost done with Xenogears. I had reached the Tower of Babel. Then to my horror, a group I hang with informed me that the ToB was only halfway through the game, not towards the end. Then they laughed at me. And then I cried. And cried, and cried.

Damn you Xenogears, when will this madness end?!

Yeah, baby! Take it off! Take it ALL OFF! Thor "god of blunder" Antrim
I wish Ramsus was a playable character.

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