Jeez, it's weird updating when columnists usually do. (Don't they feel guilty your readers have nothing to do until like, the evening?)

Anyway, sorry it's late again. Bad stuff been going on in the life of Thor "Quit calling me Sexypants" Antrim. Hell, I don't even want to get into it. Q&A time.

Itsa me! Mario!
Hey Son Of Odin and Jorth, Brother of Loki, and All-Around Thunderguy,

I was playing Mario Party the other day with my friends, and upon beating it, instead of seeing that the music was composed by our good Nintendo buddy Koji Kondo, we saw that it was composed by Yasunori Mitsuda! What's up? Has he composed for any other popular games behind our backs? What's the deal, slick?

- Bucho

Has he? Has he?! Yasunori is only the second most beloved Square composer! Why, with Xenogears, Chono Trigger and, um, Gun Hazard under his belt... hey, cool, I don't have to finish that thought 'cause I answered the question already. I'm smooth.
Fantasy Star IV. Look! I made a typo, but it's like, correct! Tee hee!
Dear Non-Replying Thorgasmic Lord of Plasmatic Discharge, What the hell? You don't deserve fantasies! Your gettin' booty already!
Uh... no comment.
Fantasies and other erotic treats are for us LOSERS! Now, for questions:

1. How much was Phantasy Star IV when it was released? Wasn't it really expensive? If so, why?

Phantasy Star IV went anywhere from $60 to $100 in some places -- which is roughly what the average RPGamer employee can get for his or her body on the street. The price was, I believe, due to cart size. Man, I remember paying $79 for Final Fantasy 3, and $80 for Street Fighter 2. Cthulhu bless the CD...

Hey, wait a minute. I just realized something. Why do people bitch about names like "Cloud" or "Squall"? The hero of Phantasy Star IV was named Chaz Ashley. Chaz Ashley! That's like being named Biff Jenniffer or something.

2. Are there any more chances of nifty little RPG packages like the Lunar one coming out? The cloth map will feel so nice against my skin!
Um, eww. Well, it probably depends on how well Lunar: SSSC sells. Now get the heck away from me, you sicko.
3. Can you tell I'm only writing this letter in the hopes of getting it printed?
I feel so used.
Have a nice day and thank you for taking the time to looky at me ponderings,

- mrplaid

Xenogears' battle theme translation! Well, kinda.
You know Thornicator,
Well, it's original. I gotta give him that.
everytime I heard that boss battle music in Xenogears I SWEAR TO GOD it sounds like he's saying "double-censored normal gascan". Listen to it and see if you agree with me there. I dunno, maybe he's talking about a gascan with a porn picture censored on it. Never know, I hear those Japanese folks who are into anime are pretty weird.


Hehe. Now what I really want to know is what they say during (GENESIS!) Shadowrun's music. Always sounded like "sha-too-lao" to me. This isn't really funny, informative or entertaining in any way. I'm just sayin'.
Insulting a prominant religious figure? Ahh well, Michael can deal with it. I'm off for the weekend. Heh heh.
On Rivera live tonight, Jerry Falwell blamed the shootings in littleton on Video Games, the Movies, and RPGs specifically. Please let us join in a moment of reflection for the memory of sanity in what is now the midst of the media feeding frenzy, and let us elaborate on why Jerry Falwell is our enemy. Let us elaborate on How we, as RPGamers, unite, to stop People like Jerry Falwell and Bill Maher (yes, hes decided that video games and the like are evil and that if you are under the age of 21 you don't have rights.) and to thank god for the 1st amendment, and remember that Jerry Falwell is out to do three things.
Bill Maher? No! He was always so rational, too...
1. He is a pro-lifer and therefore is Anti-female.
Uh. Great. Now we'll get letters about abortion, too. This guy's just asking for trouble -- for me! (Besides, he's not anti-female; he's just anti-choice. Sounds better than being anti-life, I guess.)
2. He is anti rights for the mainstream, he thinks, (he wont admit it, but he does think this) that you should have to have a LICENCE for having a child.
Actually, I don't think that's such a bad idea, as long as... wait, I'd better not finish that. There might be some people out there who haven't decided to write an angry flame yet.
3. He wants to genetically reengineer (reprogram - Xenogears) all of us because we like RPGS.
Uh, what?
Quite simply, he must be stopped at all costs, sure, it sounds grim, but hes out to get us and he admits it.

- Shanoyu

Nobody needs to do anything to stop Falwell. A few take him seriously, the rest just get a kick out of him. I mean, the man's a freaking riot. Without Falwell, would Teletubbies have been half as funny?
News Flash: Working Designs is funny.
(Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete Demo Spoiler Caps Are Fun)
Hello God of Almighty Thunder!

I just finished my Lunar SSSC Demo which is about two hours (I was level ten) and it was great.

Most I hear from say it takes 2-3 hours to finish. Except for one guy, who said it took him longer to beat the demo than Parasite Eve. He's funny. And I'm not even being sarcastic this time.
When it ends there is the trailer for the rest of the games and then the message "SPRING 1999" fades to black "NO REALLY!" my god that was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen in an RPG, even funnier than the "Robot beat up Mustadio." line in FFT. I just thought I MUST share this with you.

- B_Zero

Working Designs rules. It's that simple. I mean, aside from delays, I never get mail which bashes WD or their games. No essays on why the FMV in Lunar ruined the game; no complaints of bad translations (duh); no one accusing Working Designs of straying from its roots... I remember when I used to like Square that much. Then they didn't release SD3. And from there, it was a downward spiral of hate and loathing, mixed with relucant appreciation for the games they did release.
The Legend of Link Saving Zelda's Ass Every Friggin' Game
Hey Thor-

I've seen Zorra's Domain unfrozen during adult Link's time in Nintendo Power. But I've never found out how to unfreeze it. I haven't the slightest clue how to do it. I've tried to look for secret passages in young and old Link. So what do you do to unfreeze Zorra's Domain?

Nothing, it's impossible. Sadly, even with the -- what, eighty years? -- Miyamoto spent on that game, he was unable to put the finishing touches on everything. Hence the upcoming Zelda 64 addon/update/remix/whatever, and a few pre-release screenshots of impossible scenes like the one you describe.
Plus, I'd like to know if there's any reason to get the Gold Scale besides getting the piece of heart in the laboratory.

- Thanks

I think that's all you can do with it... s'kind of close to a gameplay question, though, so I'm not going to do any research on it.
Don't worry. It's Friday. This thread is dead.
Hey Thor,

Since you've got this whole Miyazaki thread going (Totoro, Nausicaa, etc) I was wondering isn't his studio doing the animation for Jade Cocoon? How much influence do ya think he'll have in the game if any at all? We could end up seeing all these Final fantasy-ish references in the thing which would be pretty interesting.

Hmm... well, I know Katsuya Kondoh is helping with Jade Cocoon. Close enough, I guess.
Seen mononoke hime, his latest flick? I'd love to see one of those tatarigami in a game. Anyways, just a thought.
Nope. Not much of an anime buff. Not that I don't love the form of animaton, I just can't afford costly OAVs. Pity me.
Oh, and you should say RPGamer "Arpy gamer". Why? Take the abbreviations off. Then you get Role-Playing Gamer. If you say RPG Gamer, then you're saying Role-Playing Game Gamer and life's just too damned short to be repetitive ^_^
I'll argue until the day I die during a night of kinky passion, the best way to pronounce "RPGamer" is "Arr Pee Gee Gamer". It may not be correct, but at least you don't sound like a goober. :D

- Ashley (rabid hayao miyazaki fan)

Hey, do you know Chaz?
Not what it appears to be
Ok, i was watching some stupid media show where they feel it is ok to exploit the children from the shooting two days ago to boost their ratings when i heard about the other school shooting and the familys involved were going to sue video game companies for portraying violent images and influencing these kids who felt that the only way to deal with this was to blow a bunch kid's brains out. I want to tell you a story. I am 15 years old and am an avid RPGamer. The next part is typical teenage love crap.There was this girl i really liked, actually loved,and for a while she too was infatuated with me. But after that feeling ended she dumped me and decided she actually hated me. Anyways, of course being full of hormones and overreacting quite a bit, i decided that i would go kill myself by slitting my wrists. So then my friend called me up and told me he just got Xenogears and that he was going to come over. To make a long story short, Xenogears saved my life. I learned i could vent my depression through video games. Xenogears cheered me up, and videogames should be taken seriously as a source of anti-depression. This games are more than just recreation sometimes, it can actually provide inspiration. Much like in the opivy song "contained in music somehow more than just sound, it's inspiration come to pick me off the ground." Love live Thor's Moregasm Nicknames! (Moregasm?)
Wow. That's really amazing. Some could argue he wasn't serious about doing the deed, but come on, lets not rain on everyone's parade. I think we should fax this letter to Falwell. Yeah. With a big ol' "EAT IT!" scrawled after the end. Heh heh.
The final Suikoden ending theme letter
After listening to Suikoden's ending song for several minutes (ok, it was several hours - they had horrible pronunciations :), I was able to take a shot at the original lyric (the RA is here)
Aventureiro [que] antes lance mal (repeat)
Nossa vida que bom no cai
Sem o dia que ele cai [tam]bm (cai [tam]bm).
De [que] corre antes, aventureiro?
Mas assim(?) lancemos.
The words in bracket are additions I think should've been added (it was a very broken Portuguese). Here's my translation: Adventurer who has launched badly [into battle] before (repeat)
Our life that is good does not fall
Unless it is the day that he also falls (also falls).
From what did you run before, adventurer?
But thus let us launch [into battle]. It makes a little bit of sense, which is more than the original. But, er, don't take my word for it since you will probably be littered with other translations much better than my own. Tenha um bom dia ;)

- Anthony-san

Thanks for taking the time to clear that up, man. I know we've all heard about enough of this thread, but I like my column to supply the right answers -- even if they aren't always given by me.
I like the Italian mafia better
Hey Thor,

I think this whole school shooting in Colorado by the Black Trenchcoat Mafia is terrible, but everyone is suddenly getting mad at me because i too have been wearing a black trenchcoat for a few months now. I dont live anywhere near Colorado, so its wrong for people to assume that I had anything to do with that shooting. I know you wear a black coat too, so i was wondering if you have been a victim of coatism as well?

- Ranklchick

Luckily, I never go outside, so I have no problems with the locals. I just sit around my house all day, lookin' cool and forcing my friends (and ladyfriends, heh heh) to "come get some", so to speak. But yeah, it's a real problem. And it just goes to show how ignorant the masses really are. Hating someone for the color of their skin is bad, but it's fine to beat the crap out of anyone with a black trench coat. Allrighty then. God bless America. Excuse me, I have to make a run for the border.
Want to sing a stupid song?
Mail Michael
(He's so fine! He's so fine he blows my mind!)
Like Old Crap?
Try the Archives
(Don't worry folks, it'll return as soon as the missing columns do.)
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The Hack Archive
Thor Antrim: Anime Style
(Next update:
December 22nd, 2012)
Quickies, Quickies, he's the man! If he can't do it, no one can!
How could you miss the pun on RPG Uru? Uru is the metal that the Mighty Thor's hammer Mjolnir is made of (only in Marvel comics, not the original myths, Stan 'the Man' Lee made it up).
-The Bad Guy
Yeah, well, nyah. =P

The above emoticon was brought to you by "Can't Think Of A Witty Response" productions. And now back to your regularly scheduled Quicky.

You had to do some time in the hospital? Are you and all whom you care about OK?
- Eric Denney
It was just a checkup; I'm fine, thanks for asking.
"Terra is the main character of Final Fantasy IV" She may be the main character of FF4, but I wouldn't say FF6. :)
- Crono & Dekar
Ha ha, very funny. It's not nice to make fun of lysdexic people, you know.
One time I saw an Indian crack a guy's skull open with his bare hand, then he ate his brains with some kind of a vicious fork.
- Black Jack Bradshaw
I know this's probably sort of old, but why does everyone copy Cloud's hair style? Ever watch MTV? That VJ Jessie looks like he's been playing just a little bit too much FFVII. Square should sue! Even more annoying is that it is supposably an "original hairstyle" when in fact FFVII came out first! Actually, that hairstyle is Jesse's best impersonation of me in the morning. Only with longer, redder hair. Blah.
Dear Thorgazmo, Go to, click on press, then click on the link for Revelations: The Demon Slayer. There you have it the US edition of Last Bible II Thanks. And don't call me Thorgazmo.
Hey Thor, Can I be your sidekick!!! I got 5 dollars and lotsa gum!!!!
- Al "faithfully at Thor's side" sidekick
Sorry, dude. Glenn already said he'd be my sidekick.
Thor Stuff: Egotism at its finest

Let's take a second to mourn the loss of Rick Rude. He may not have been shot in a school attack, and he may not have been a cute little kid, but I actually know who he was, as opposed to most every other fatality out there.

Well, I switched my schedule again. My ongoing battle with my irrepressible love of the night continues, I guess. Today I got up at 7am. Now, watch, I'll have insomnia and be up until daylight. Blarg.

My weekend had better be less stressful than the last two days, or I'm going to open up a can on any available target. While wearing a black trenchcoat, too.

Oh, and by the way: Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete is now the official game of Ask Thor. Well, not really, but they use a Grade "A" Blarg, so you know it's good eatin's.

Nigh... er, damnit. Bye?

Shadow Zero Dancing Attack EX Mega! Thor "Palinchron" Antrim
Okay. Fine. But I won't link to it. And please, take nothing seriously.

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