Print the following image, then hold it up to a mirror:
Fun for the whole family -- even baby!
|The introductory letter. Fear.|
So... Chocobos come from Kaze no Tani no Nausicaa? This must mean...
Moogles came from another Hayao Miyazaki creation, totoro! Yeah! Long live
totoro! Never mind that totoro does not have a discernable neck!
What do you think the most anticipated game (not necessarily RPG) will be
on the Dreamcast?
Oh, no doubt about it: Sonic Adventure. It'll fly off the shelves; purchased
by depressed Gen-X'ers who want to recapture the glory days when "eat my shorts" was
not only considered funny, but genius. Lets pretend you also asked
which RPG I felt was most popular, too: It's a tie between Shen Mue
(hype = anticipation) and Grandia 2 (need I explain?).|
|My favorite nickname.|
Oh mighty Thor "James Hetfield" Antrim
My parents want to sue you, because every time I read your column, I
fall out of my chair and injure my back. Instead of a lawsuit, I will ask
you a question. In the first two Breath of Fire games, you needed to have
a full set of dragon armor and a dragon sword when you fight the end boss,
or you got a really bad ending. So when I beat Breath of Fire 3, I
wondered if I needed to beat it with a full set of armor and sword to get
a better ending. I am too bored with the game to actually take the time
to figure out if it matters or not.
Nope, I don't believe there's a secret ending in Breath of Fire 3.
You aren't the only reader to suffer an Ask Thor related injury. One fan
snorted chocolate cake up his nose, another spilled coffee on his lap
while reading, and at least five people -- three of which I know, oddly
enough; I guess this isn't the sort of thing strangers confess -- were
kicked from a school terminal for laughing when they were supposed to
be working. C'mon, I'm not that funny. I guess people really are easily amused...
Oh, and please send my condolences to Quickie. No one should have to go
Don't worry, Quickie -- ahh, well, you'll see soon enough.|
Why can't anything anymore ever be as simple as DQ1/DW1, my personal favorite RPG
(tied with Chrono Trigger)? I mean, if you want to heal yourself, you
cast Heal. You want to hurt an enemy, cast Hurt. Hurt an enemy even
more? Well, you get the drift. I just think there's something to be said
Alright, I'm done now.
Because people get bored very easily, and usually wander off,
always eager to try something new. (Unless, of course, it's Crystal
Pepsi.) If you're into that sort of game, and since you
(obviously) have access to a computer, try a MUD or two.
They're sort of like online Dragon Warrior games. Also
try Paladin's Quest for the SNES, which was kind of Dragon
Warrior-ish. I'm afraid you'll most likely never find an
RPG as simple as Dragon Warrior 1, but you might be able
to relive some of the old fun.|
I know that most RPGs are now based on Anime and Manga, but what about
Barret? I've never seen an Anime/Manga have a big, cussin', ebonics using
black in them. So exactly where did he come from?|
Gee. I wonder.|
|At least it was better than Adventure|
Hello Thor, Almighty God of Info-seeking RPG fans,
Answerer of Many Many Questions, and Eater of Prozac
Hey, cool! It's one of them really long greetings I used to
get before I made the mistake of suggesting everyone call me
"Sexypants". Man, I suck. |
Sorry for the break from the tradition of asking
solely about PSX games, but I own an N64 and the lack
of RPGs for it is beginning to annoy me. There are two
currently published, and I've heard rumors of three
more. Ogre Battle 3, Earthbound 64, and Harvest Moon
64 (whatever that is). I look at the Games list for
N64, and it has one (not counting Zelda: tOot). For
the love of God, _Sega Saturn_ has more RPGs than
Harvest Moon 64'll be kind of an... uh... farming
RPG. Don't ask.|
1. Will Ogre Battle 3 by Quest ever be released in the
US? It was released in Q4 '98 in Japan, so by now,
there should be SOME information about translating
it...I've seen information about the Japanese release
The US port of Ogre Battle 3 should hit the N64 Q3 '99, right before
the N64 gets pissed and bites Ogre Battle 3's ear off.|
2. Will Earthbound 64 ever be released at all?
Apparently it's supposed to be for the DD drive (which
has been delayed, delayed delayed...the story of
Nintendo's life, eh?), so do you think HAL
Laboratories (its developer) will cut it and port it
for a cart, or what?|
Earthbound 64 was ported to cart format after the 64DD seemingly
faded away. Problem is, EB64 was loaded with 64DD features, leaving
it gutted after the conversion. Now the chances of even a Japanese
release look slim. (A pity -- it would have been the first Earthbound
game which wouldn't be dismissed unfairly for its... unique graphics.)|
3. Do you pronounce "Laboratories" "Lab-or-a-tor-ies"
"Lab-ra-tor-ies". What do I look like, some kinda pansy?|
4. Why aren't a lot of the RPG developers making games
for the N64? Maybe it's the cartridge instead of the
Yeah. It's less risky and costly to produce a CD game.
That, and most RPGs come from Japan. The Nintendo
64 isn't half as popular there as it is in the US, so
there aren't as many (active) Nintendo third parties
who are interested in, ah, dethroning the undesputed
king, Quest 64. |
5. Should I trade in my N64 for a PSX (or PSX2,
Er, if you can get me a PlayStation 2 for my Nintendo
64, gimmy a call...|
|Weak! Lame! Um, weak again! |
I was wasting "valuable" school time earlier today to check
on websites, and along the way I make my regular visit to
Next Generation Online.
I glance down at the news. "Oh, look at that", I think,
"the AIAS realeased their nominations for their annual
awards". Since they are, in what *was* my opinion, the
only legitimate video game award thingy, I load up the
page. When looking at the nominations for Game of the
Year, I notice that Xenogears isn't there. A bit
disappointing, but I can live with it.
But then comes the awful part. I then check the Console
RPG of the Year nods -- *it isn't there, either*. AUGH!!
And it can't be (as I had hoped) a deadline issue,
since Alpha Centauri had no trouble scooping up nods
left and right, and that was released in February '99.
It didn't get nominated for Outstanding Achievement in
Art/Graphics or Charachter or Story Development, either,
though they did nominate Pokemon for the latter. Yes,
that's right, they thought Pokemon had a better plot
that XG. In fact, XG got no nominations whatsoever. (And
for that matter, neither did Starcraft, but that's
So I write to you to let it be known: These people are
IDIOTS, whose only claim to decency is that they are
at least better than the Codies (who, for those that
don't know, gave Game of the Year to, get this,
*Riven*. Haw haw haw haw haw!). Please, let no other new
gamers fall in to the trap of thinking that this crap is
to be taken seriously.
Sadly, there is an unwritten rule that award shows
are run by idiots. If you take a gander at at the
Next-Generation Online article which lists the Console finalists,
you'll notice there's not one sleeper -- not one low profile yet great game
on the list. It seems the theory is Parasite Eve had commercials on MTV,
Xenogears did not, so Parasite Eve is better. Pathetic.
Oh, well. At least WCW/NWO Revenge is a finalist. That is the best
wrestling game on the market, as most people (who aren't die-hard WWF
marks) will agree. Who wants to bet WWF Warzone, the higher selling game, wins?
|Fa, la, la la la la! Fa, la la la la. (Ten points if you can guess this song.)|
The lyrics to "Avertuniero Antes Lance Mao" (Suikoden's final song, and
well, possible spoiler, mebbe?)
Avertuniero antes lance mao (repeat)
It's in Portuguese, and while I -did- have a translation before, it's
vanished into the deep recesses of whereever deleted e-mail goes when it
gets, umm, deleted. Hope that helps at all.
Nossa vida que e Bom nao cai
Ese um die ele cai ir Bem (cai ir Bim)
De corre antes avertuniero
Mas assim lassemo
Sadly, Babelfish (aka "The Electric Daravon", did little to help translate
that sucker. Help?|
|The Anime that started it all|
Yes, the Chocobos were based on Nausicaa's Kai and Kui. You hadn't
noticed? ^_^ |
I don't even remember Kai and Kui. Last time I saw Warriors of
the Wind (the watered down American version) I was 12!|
If you want more examples of director Hayao Miyazaki's influence on the FF
series, take a look at these pictures from his 1986 "Laputa: Castle in the
Sky" (available in the US from Disney sometime this year, God willing) and
think about where else you've seen them.
Oh, and do you recognize the font in this image?
Actually, now that I think about it, Laputa is probably the closest
steampunk has ever come to being filmed, especially since Katsuhiro
Otomo's Steam Boy has been put on indefinite hold.
- Charlie Tangora
Dude, don't forget The City of Lost Children. That movie's a classic.
|"Unfit for print? Me?! Guards, seize him!"|
Alright, now I am pissed off. I have sent you in 5, count them, 5
E-mails, and you haven't even REPLIED to them! WTF!!? This really burns
I would think that even though you don't put my questions up on the
column, you would at least REPLY. But I see you're the person who has the kind of
audacity to be rude to people who only want an answer. Just curious, do
you get flamed often for this sort of thing? Or do you just ignore it,
since your ego is so damn huge? And go ahead, give me a snide or
wisecracking answer. It's what I'd expect from you at this point, not
- Annie "more than slightly miffed" Felis
Dear Annie "the world revolves around me" Felis,
Snide? Wisecracking? Naturally -- I'm Thor. Nothing personal.
Each month I get a handfull of letters politely (more or less) asking
why their letter wasn't printed, or why I didn't respond. I also
receive one or two letters from people who, sadly, don't consider that
if I took the time to reply to each and every of the 100-200 letters
I receive a day, I'd have no time to work on the actual column, causing
literally... dozens of fans to panic.
I wish I could reply to every letter I receive. And if I had one of those nifty magic
stopwatches from that episode of the Twilight Zone, I would. But
until I can find a way to distort space and time at whim, you'll just
have to deal with the fact that a few letters are read, a few more are
replied to, and the rest are sadly forgotten, much like Paul Reubens.
You know, Pee Wee Herman?
Ahh, forget it.
|Wanna know why they call me the "freshmaker"?|
|Like Old Crap?|
|Try the Archives|
(Don't worry folks, it'll return as soon as the missing columns do.)
|Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?|
|The Hack Archive|
December 22nd, 2012)
"See you in Hell, Logan," Quickie sneered as he lit the match and tossed it on
the corrupt, gasoline-drenched police chief. Logan screamed, and in the effort to stop
drop and roll, he fell from the top of the skyscraper onto some power lines,
and then into a garbage compactor. "What a flatfoot," Quickie mumbled with a twitch
of his upper lip. [Fade credits]
Quick question: which opera is it that's featured in Parasite Eve?
- Llew Silverhand
I'm pretty sure it was created for the game, and not based on anything.
Is "Thorgy" more embarrising than "Thorgasm?" :D
Nope! A Thorgy could just be a whole bunch of people named Thor having a wild
party. (Merriam-Webmster! HAHAH! <ahem>, sorry.) While a Thorgasm, uh,
|Thor Stuff: Egotism at its finest|
Todays Ask Thor was late due to me falling asleep on my bony white ass.
Christine Houser colorized her groovy (and unusually buff) rendition of
the mighty (tall) Thor. Christine spent
over one hundred and sixty two years coloring this, so be sure and
send her lots of money to show you liked it.
RPGamer is officially pronounced "Arr Pee Gamer". The problem
is, that sounds dorky. So I prefer to think of it as an acronym.
You know -- how the World Wrestling Federation's logo looks more
like "WF" than "WWF"? Well, I like to pretend RPGamer is a
contraction/abbreviation, and it's really
RPG Gamer. That way, I can tell people where I work without
"No, no. Not 'Arpy'..."
I also like to imagine that I am a mighty King, who rules as far as the
eye can see. And not just any eye, a really wicked eagle eye, that'd
see a heck of a lot farther than mine. So I'd take my wicked eagle
eye and truck around the villages and swamps, searching for the Gem
of Dragonkind. Which, oddly enough, doesn't have anything to do
with dragons, but grants eternal life.
Of course, I'd have to pick up a traveling companion.
No homoerotic undertones for this adventuring duo, though.
Xena would sue. And I'm not too keen on washing another guy's back,
or giving mouth to mouth every other episod -- er, day.
My kingdom would be a safe heaven from demons and monsters and
people who want to know when Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete
will be released. It may not be as high tech as Figaro, or
as vast as Grayskull, but I'll be sure to have a huge pit
filled with lots of Deadites. Hey, you gotta keep something
around to feed visiting Old Ones and Elder Gods.
As far as bad guys go, I think I'm going to shy away from
Liches, or people who want to destroy the earth/become
God, or Pearl Forrester. I'd rather follow the path James
T. Kirk took, and seduce villainous wenches with my manly
six pack, teasingly exposed through a rip in my olive green
shirt -- no doubt damage from a fight with one of those
kids who want to know when Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete
will be released.
Then the evil wench would sigh and fall into my arms, weakly
ripping off her wench mask and revealing she is none other
than... Teri Hatcher's doppelganger.
Yeah, man. That'd rock.
Thor "Thundara Maker" Antrim
Blllaarrrgggg! Heh heh, you know it, baby.