I don't like Mondays. (Ha ha, I funny!)
Updated: 2:20am, Pacific Time, (GMT -08:00)

In accordance with tradition, I'm more than a widdle iddy bit grumpy right now. So in an attempt to make my faithful readers feel my pain, I will reply to letters today in "baby talk".

Kidding. Scared ya, didn't I?

I used Merriam-Webster for this definition. Bite me.
what does spoony mean? I tried to look it up in the dictionary but it wasn't there. my brother is convinced that it's not a real word. tell me dammit!!!
Ah, spoony. The most beloved and misunderstood of all translation "errors". What few people seem to realize is that "spoony" was neither fictitious nor a localization error. In fact, using "spoony" was a pretty good call, considering back then most RPGs still had a bit of Old English peppered throughout. Anyway, spoony means silly or highly sentimental. When Tellah called Edward "Spoony bard", it may have been a poor replacement for "stupid bastard", but c'mon, this was Nintendo before the big Mortal Kombat wakeup call. What can you expect?
Getting to know you. Or, in this case, me.
who is your favorite FF character of all time, and why?
Edgar. Though Mog is a close second, he sucked in battle, so I grew more attached to Edgar than the dancing wonder. First of all, Edgar looks like me, or at least more like me than other RPG characters. Second, the relationship between him and Sabin reminded me of mine with my brother. (He even got all the muscles, while I got all the looks.) Then there's the love of technology, the habit of calling people "pinhead", and, of course, the fact that Eddy likes the ladies, and they like him.

Well. Six out of seven, anyway.

please answer my question All Mighty Thorgasm!

- the collard green

Christ, can we just go back to "Sexypants"? How 'bout "Thor"? I'd rather be called "loverbuns" by Janet Reno than that.
Mighty mouse is here to save the day!
Almighty Thundergod Thor,

I finally finished xenogears after about 1 month of playing, and I have a bit of a dilemma. I think that I will either get the Granstream Saga, Legend of Legaia,or Lufia1,2,or 3. I was wondering what you thought would be best (also take into consideration that I can not find any of the Lufia series anywhere.)

your most humble worshiper,

- mytmouse

Well, I haven't completed any of those games. I'm around three hours into LoL (I switch back and forth between that and Xenogears), I just tried a half an hour of Granstream Saga yesterday, and I've yet to play a Lufia game. I can offer some advice based on what type of game you like, though.

If you like traditional RPGs like Final Fantasy 3, Lunar or Dragon Warrior 4, you'll appreciate Legend of Legaia. The combat's hard, the battles are long, and the storyline is your basic (which is sometimes a good thing) Save the World battlefest.

If you dig long puzzles like the ones in Wild ARMs or Zelda 64, try Lufia 2. The story takes place before Lufia 1, and L3 isn't even out yet.

And finally, if you like one-player dungeon crawls/action RPGs, bad Anime and a highly original setting, try Granstream Saga. Most everyone hates this game, and I can't see anything particularly "must have" about it, but if you're the kind of guy who thought Game Gear's Dragon Crystal was a good thing, you'd dig GS.

Oh my God! They killed... aww, nevermind.
(Final Fantasy 3/6j spoiler)
Oh mighty thor,

I would have sent this to Michael but this is really more of a "thor" subject.

A wise decision. Though sending things to me during the weekend is usually frowned on, there are some exceptions: Personal questions, Thor hacks, donations, hookers -- that sort of thing.
I remembered how in one of your recent letters in ask thor, some one was whining about how there weren't any moogles in FFTactics(other than the call spell). Well I found out why. I was checking the discription of stuff with the select button and I did it with the pointer on sweegy woods. This is what it said: "Primeval forest surrounded by a mountain range. Now-extinct Moogles once lived here." So apparently they once did live in FFTactics world, but now they don't. Either they were wiped out during the constant warfare, or were killed off by dragons like the Doe-does were killed off by dogs. I hope this clears this up (I'm sure it was on everyone's mind).

- Zelgadis

Uh, that's even more depressing than the theory that Moogles didn't show up in the World of Ruin because they were killed in the clataclysm. Poor little guys. So cute, so innocent, just dancing around in the woods, until an evil Square employee decided to kill them. Didn't even advance the plot, it was thrown in as an afterthough. Moogles extinct. Yeah, great idea, coldhearted bastards!

No, no, I'm fine. I've... just got something in my eye.

Hello Thor,

How dare you do such a thing to insult Canadian Government, After all it's not us who has had a president who had an affair, continually makes nukes even though they aren't neccesary and not only that doesn't No anyone else's history, Watch: 'This Hour has 22 Minutes' and you'll see what I mean. To top it off America as a whole has a lot of arrogant bastards. I don't usually complain especially against your column because it is usually great. But to insult Canadian Government I can't stand for. Don't make me support my point more because I can if I want to. Anyways I'm going to stop writing and cool off so bye for now.

P.S. I better see this posted because Canadians diserve an opinion to!

- Treasure Hunter, A true Canadian

Sheesh, I thought you guys were supposed to be polite and laid back.

Anyway, the "Insult" was the title of Friday' quickies: "More Quickies than the Canadian government deemed acceptible". Real insulting, eh? Truth is, Canada does have a lot more censorship than America, with limits on free speech going far beyond yelling "fire" in a crowded theater and such. But that's not the point. I really couldn't care less about an America/Canada debate. That was obviously not an insult, so lets move on with our sorry little selves, shall we?

This is like, so last month! Cha!
(Final Fantasy 7 spoiler. Big freaking surprise.)
Question and Answer Guy Alfred Q. A. Thor,

Ok, about the whole Safer Sephiroth thing (ok, ok, I hear the crowd groaning in displeasure, just hear me out.) After class with my Jewish Mysticism professor, I asked him what HE thought about the whole Safer Sephiroth vs. Seraph Sephiroth vs. Sefer Sefirot thing. What he said was that there is no doubt in his mind that Safer Sephiroth is meant to be an allusion to Sefer Sefirot. He even said I could quote him on that. His name is Professor Ronald Kiener, Chair of the Jewish Studies Department of Trinity College in Hartford, Connecticut. He plays video games, as well as writing books on Jewish Mysiticism (i.e. The Early Kabbalah). So there all you doubters. And take that Thor ya goober.

- Hoenir Aesir

Fine. Professer Ronald Kiener, Chairman of the Jewish Studies Department of Trinity College in Hartford Connecticut says that "Safer Sephiroth" was a reference to "Safer Sefirot". Okay then.
Debate sucks. Questions are cliche. This is my kinda letter.
This is from Sony's site, (press release section):
"Final Fantasy VII also brings back many popular characters from previous games in the heralded Final Fantasy series, such as Cloud, Cid Highwind and Chocobo, while introduction new characters, specifically Aeris and Barret. The combination of these characters creates continuity for an epic adventure that has captured the attention of more than 13 million videogame fans since the inception of the series of 1987."
"...brings back many popular characters..." WHAT THE &*%^!? Cloud in Cid HIGHWIND, returning characters?? What are they talking about?? The whole thing is %^*%#*#@#*! what do you think?
My favorite part is how they claimed there was a character named "Chocobo". Not a race of birds -- a character. That's like saying, "New from Sony, Big Lizard and Humans clash in, Godzilla 2!"

For the record, I couldn't find that quote. Sadly,'s search engine seemed to be down at the time, so I couldn't check if I was just looking in the wrong place. But since the chances of someone making something like this up are about as good as the chances of Final Fantasy IX being a continuation of XIII, I think it's safe to say, "HAHAH! SONY STOOOPID!".

Like mountains and fleas

You know the enimies in FF6(3) they look like they are the size of you but when you enter the battle they look like giants. Thats just wrong. Whould it have hurt Square to make the ememies a realistic size. How about something similar to the size of you or make your character something near the same size. It looks like your david fighting goliath but they didn't even give you his weapon(I'm going out on a limb here and guessing it is a sling).

I can not stress enough how wrong, and I mean WRONG, that that is. but then thats just me.

- Walter McKinnon

Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure it is just you. Because most everyone else knows better than to complain about something so petty. No offense, dude, but FF3/6 was made a good five years ago. Cart space was an issue, as well as the fact that large sprites are extremely hard to animate, because of memory restrictions -- a problem which haunts the PlayStation to this day. If the characters outside the battle looked the same as in, Square would have had to:
  1. Make all enemies super deformed and quite small in battle.
  2. Gave no character outside the battle animation.
  3. Laugh at your petty request, spit in your eye, and pants you.
Come to think of it, in Final Fantasy VIII, the realistically proportioned characters look the same in battle as well as out. The change of styles will most likely alienate longtime fans, but hey, at least Walter's happy, right?

Just curious, do you know of any decent non-IRC RPG related chat or discussion sites? I've tried to find some but they all seem to be infested with 13 year olds saying "this sucks" and "this rules". If you know of any let me know.


- Jessica

Finding a good chat room, channel or webboard is nearly impossible. And since nearly everyone has 'net access, that isn't too surprising. Joining a new channel and expecting decent conversation is like walking up to a group of total strangers and expecting the same. Your best bet, though this is probably difficult anywhere except on IRC (internet relay chat), is to endure the lameness for a few weeks, get to know the more intelligent regulars, then invite them to a private channel free from of debates like "Is Cloud's sword a phallic symbol?", "Y IS NAVI A HO???" and "Think Mukki would do Gremio?".

(No, because she won't shut her yap, and yes. Just in case you were wondering.)

Oh have you seen the bakerman?
Mail Thor
(He lives on... uh... something lane.)
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Try the Archives
(Don't worry folks, it'll return as soon as the missing columns do.)
Quote of the random amount of time
- RPG MAN THE GOD OF THE UNIVURSE, making everyone wonder if he's just acting stupid for attention
Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?
The Hack Archive
Thor Antrim: Anime Style
(Next update:
December 22nd, 2012)
He was a good cop. But he saw too much. Now a corrupt police force and Colombian drug lords have to silence him before he tells the truth. They killed his wife. They killed his child. But Quickies got away -- and now he's back with a vengeance.
Okay, I've been wondering: am I blind or is there no section about Suikoden under Games on this site? There's Suikoden 2, but no apparent Suikoden... For some reason, RPGamer lists Suikoden by its Japanese title. Beats the hell out of me, too.
You seem to have fans in high places. Check out the attachment, scanned from Saturday's comics page. Also, could you get me the recipie? Thanks.
Start with 1 stick Crisco-bar or 2 sticks butter, then add 1 teaspoon baking soda, 2 eggs, and prozac. They taste like Shitan -- but trust me, you won't mind.
Does Working Designs have a webpage? I would like to see it and see what they're saying directly about lunar cuz I'm kinda becoming a lunatic. Thanks.
- NaturalH Go figure.
So, an unexpected house guest "stayed the night", hmm??? Well, I know what to say to that: Thor got some booty! Thor got some booty! Um, hehe. No comment.
Whatever happened to Unfit for Print? It was so much fun to see you bash the lamer letters. When I started this job, knowing how many hits RPGamer got every day, I worried I'd have to wade through a ton of what can only be called crap mail before I got to a decent letter. Things weren't as bad as I thought, and after only a few weeks, I had more good mail than I knew what to do with. So now, it's not really needed. Unless I drop the "helping my readers" pretention and just chew out morons for your reading pleasure... naw.
Thor Stuff

From #AskThor, a friends-only hangout on an undisclosed IRC network:

*** Joins: [sfdsfsdfsd] (
<[sfdsfsdfsd]> I've got a question.
<[sfdsfsdfsd]> Why are you such a witless buffoon?
*** Quits: [sfdsfsdfsd] (Quit: I win.)


Shadow Zero Dancing Attack EX Mega! Thor "The Fei says: Huh?!" Antrim
Okay, fine, I didn't get any booty.

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