Fear the Dancing Dangelous Ninja EX + Alpha!
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead!
And when she was good,
She was very very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid!

Thank you, thank you.

"Koudelka"? That's gonna be easy to remember...
Those screenshot links aren't working, but am I to understand that a group of Square refugees is making an RPG heavily inspired by H.P. Lovecraft and it's being published by the makers of Crystalis? (I thought they were dead, now I want a sequel!)

- Googleshng

Yes. Well, almost.

Koldelka is being developed by Sacnoth, which was founded by former Square employees. (The game is being published by SNK, who never really died, they just broke away from Nintendo.) I haven't heard anything about the game being inspired by H.P. Lovecraft -- at least, no Cthluhu or anything recognizable like that. Koldelka will be gothic, and set in the 1800s, so expect something really unique. (By the way, the screenshot links are fine now. Go forth and oogle.)

The last time I answer this. I really need to write a FAQ...
(One last Final Fantasy 7 spoiler.)
Dear Great Sexy God Thor,

Okay, I know this is a really, really, really stupid question, but what on Earth do those little tissues you get at the Gold Saucer (in the Battle Square) do? It's been driving me nuts forever. I must know!!!!!!!!!!!

- Aeris Strife

According to SquareSoft themselves, the following items do nothing*.
  • 1/35 Soldier
  • Masamune Blade
  • Super Sweeper
  • Tissue
* Yes, nothing. You can't use them in fort Condor. You can't resurrect Aeris. You can't do all but jack, diddley and squat. Hey, quick rant here: Why do self-proclaimed FAQs rarely answer, well, frequently asked questions? It seems authors are more intent on listing items and writing walkthroughs than keeping an ear out for, er, frequently asked questions. Of course, I'm not one to judge. I've yet to write a single FAQ. I'm going to start on a Rogue Trip FAQ this weekend, though. Go me!
Legend of Legaiarific
I don't understand everything about this game. I have it, and enjoy it immencely, but where did it come from? (Don't say Japan) I know it was made by a guy that worked on Wild Arms, but who is this guy and what did he do on Wild Arms. LL is totally difforent in everything from Wild Arms.
Legend of Legaia was developed by Contrail, formerly known as Media Vision. (If you were responsible for Wild ARMs, you'd change your name too.) The same team worked on both games, though it's difficult to give any credit to specific members (who very well could have left Contrail by now), so lets just say they were made by the same "guys".

LoL is not totally different from WA. Several trademarks remain, such as the [annoying Japanese quotation marks], the spiky-blue haired hero, the "kid/girl/tough guy" character design, and really intense battle music. (FFT had the right idea -- when will other games use multiple battle songs?)

Don't for a second think that Legend of Legaia is just a rehash of an existing game, though. If it was, I wouldn't plan on buying it. Why, LOL has a pumped up Xenogears-battle system, Xenogears-style cinematics, and Xenogears-style... hey, wait a minute.

Also, why do people give this game a bad review simply because they are too lazy to fight the battles. I admit, it is a foreign type of fighting, but it is an excellant game.
Everyone's entitled to their opinion, I guess. Some gamers dislike heavy combat, and prefer a game like Parasite Eve or Final Fantasy VII.
I mean, they added a sort of pokemonish element when you have to collect spells from monsters. This is a great game, and I wondered why else besides being too lazy to fight in the original battle engine people don't lke this game. Graphics may be the problem, but when is that trouble? If it is a good game, it doesn't matter if it is a box moving around the screen. So basically, just tell me what this game came is not the same company that made Wild Arms and tell me what is truly wrong with this, in my opinion excellent, game.
Already told ya. As for a mini-review... let me get back to you on that in a few days. :D
Oh! Yeah. That dictionary guy. Now I get it.

Yeah yeah, I know you don't like getting stuff during the weekends, and that this should probably be sent to the sages, but I think it only concerns you really. Well, I was flipping through my Oxford Cambridge Professional Ph.D. New World 32 Edition Dictionary and lo and behold, look what I found!

- Arakageeta

Great shades of Elvis!
Parents acting mind-numbingly stupid "for the children"? Whoda thunkit.
Hey Thor, what do you think of this:

Apogee Software, id Software, GT Interactive, Sega of America, Atari Corporation, Acclaim Entertainment, Interplay Productions, Midway Home Entertainment, Nintendo of America, Activision, Sony Computer Entertainment, Capcom Entertainment, Eidos Interactive and Squaresoft -All getting sued

I found out at that some parents are suing the video gamming industry because some 14 year old kid went on a shooting spree. They claim that video games teach children that violence is fun and how to aim a gun.

It sounds to me that these parents are attacking something they don't understand. It appears that video games are just senseless hours of button-smashing. But what I'd like to know is, why aren't these people suing the authors of books, gun companies, professional sports, TV Dramas, the News, and anything else with bad morals, violence, and fantasy. I don't know about you but I'm tired of ignorant people looking for excuses.

The only one who should be getting sued is the 14 year old psychopath. Leave the entire entertainment industry out of it.

- Ryan

Here's the deal: No parent wants to raise a monster. It's your obligation as a parent to try and make sure little Billy knows that mowing down a bus full of nuns is a very, very bad thing. Now, if little Billy decides one of those nuns looked at him funny, and subsequently blows the bus up just like he saw in Vigilante 8... well, blaming the video game for somehow not only inspiring, but brainwashing poor little Billy to "frag a few penguins" really takes the guilt off raising a Satanic little freak, doesn't it?

And since this story involves death, video games and the "corruption" of a child, it's bound to be trumped up and plastered over the news in the next couple of weeks. Expect congressmen to be rolled out of their cyrogenic containment units and pretend they know what they're talking about, smiling newscasters happily reporting that video games will force your child to lust for Marilyn Manson, and your own parents "subtly" asking if you ever felt the urge to kill your little sister after playing Mortal Kombat.

Just remember to lie and say no.

"Pokemon" is Japanese?
Hey Thor,

Pokemon isn't short for Pocket Monsters, its Japanese for Pocket Monsters. You see it is a little known fact that Nintendo's translators are big potheads, and like most potheads they tend to forget things. Like forgetting to translate the title......

- Chris Wiegand

I'm pretty sure, Pokemon isn't Japanese, it's an abbreviation. The name was shortened because of legal reasons. I'm assuming it's whoever owns the rights to "Monster in my Pocket"'s fault. That rotten bastich! How dare he protect his financial safety and block the way of the all powerful breeding game. Yeah.
"Brainscan is a good movie." A cryptic message from a cryptic dork.

I remembered reading something a few days ago on your column where you said "Brainscan is a cool movie," or something to that effect. I work in a videostore so when I had a chance, I gave Brainscan box a look.

"When a lonely teenager orders the latest video game, the high tech wizardry penetrates his subscious where his darkest impulses lead him through a deadly maze of murder, deception and desire. Pursued by a homicide detective and prodded by the Trickster he is torn between the worlds of good and evil, of reality and fantasy, and, ultimately, life and death." - Back of the Brainscan box

"...the high tech wizardy penetrates his subconscious..."?? "...prodded by the Trickster..."??? I proceeded to hide the box in the back of the store where, hopefully, it will never scare anyone again (I don't mean "Urban Legend" or "Halloween H20" scared, I mean "Baby Huey's Easter Adventure" scared). What is so great about this movie Thor?

- Mattgamerr

Brainscan rules. I'll tell you why, too. Not the plot, which is contrived, derivative and cliche (redundant, aren't I?), but the actual story. You know, the stuff that happens in between shocking revelations and evisceration. Hey, I always wanted to do a movie review... lets see how I do my first try! (Start slamming the Page Down key if you aren't interested.)
Brainscan is the story a rather unique protagonist named Michael (EDWARD FURLONG, the "Terminator 2 kid"), whose mother died in a car crash some time ago (Michael was with her at the time, which resulted in his nasty limp). His father is always off on business, so he's alone except for his best friend, Kyle (JAMIE MARSH) and a high powered telescope pointed towards the girl next door's bedroom.

He's not a bad guy, really. Just kind of weird. Okay, very weird, but not a total nutcase. Urged on by fellow horror-fan Kyle, Michael orders a high tech videogame named Brainscan, which is the worst "high tech" title for a videogame since Genesis' Fatal Rewind. Brainscan promises to be "more than just a game", and indeed, it is -- after Michael's first test run of the serial killer simulator, a neighbor turns up dead. Oopsie.

Then things get cheesy when a Beetlejuice/Drop Dead Fred/Freddy Kruger named Trickster (T. RYDER SMITH) clone hops on scene, and forces Michael to continue playing the game. From there the movie shifts into a sort of downward spiral, as what little life Michael had slowly falls apart, and a happy ending looks less and less likely...

Sounds standard, right? Well, it's not. Brainscan is actually kind of witty, with a good dose of dark comedy and some great dialog. This comes as no surprise -- Brainscan was written by Andrew Kevin Walker, who later went on to write Se7en and the upcoming Planet of the Apes remake, and Rendezvous with Rama.

Fans of In The Mouth of Madness and the Evil Dead series should appreciate this horror film because of the focus on a brooding atmosphere and plot, rather than trying to prove once and for all just how many tent spikes can fit in the cheerleader's skull. Just be sure and watch it all the way through -- the ending's priceless.

...yeah, I should keep my day job.
Self-indulgent tripe!
Happy 3 months and 13 days from your birthday!

It was in your column a couple days back that you linked to a site called E-G-A-D-S, but I can't remember why. And your archive is down so i can't check it out, either.

ANYWAY! I started reading their parody articles and ran across your name in the "Atari sues everyone" article.

Finally, we had Thor Antrim, resident weekly letters guy at RPGamer to tell us what he thought of the suit:

"I think its a blarghing load of blargh! Hey! Aren't you going to hit on me? Hey! Come Back!

They misspelled blarg! I am angry! I will sic my dogs on them. or something. I'll let you know what I do. Pretty funny stuff otherwise though.

Enjoy! and remember: Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Don't drink and derive!

- The Overgrown Sheeplover

Blasphemy! That quote is obviously fake, 'cause I'd never let anyone misspell Blarg. It's B-L-A-R-G. Not Blargg. Not Blargh. Those aren't mine; they belong to another. A dark and sinister Anti-Thor. A midget with green hair, great proofreading skills and an unholy love of lengthy dialog riddled with typos!
OSV = Original Sound Version. Just in case you were wondering.

I was curious if you knew how I could get a hold of a translation of the interview with Nobuo Uematsu in the FFVIII OSV booklet. I am curious about what he has to say. Are there any web sites that would have this?

- Daniel Graves

Hmm... a site with the FFVIII OSV booklet's interview... nope, can't say as I have.
How to get girls into RPGs: Write in more sluts.
Oh, Great God of the sexy pant-ed variety,

I need your help. Here goes the convoluted story. My husband has been into computer games for years <i.e. he still has old atari's up and running playing MULE!!!>. And I hated it. ALOT. We have Turbo-graphix and old Nintendo's and Lynx's and I broke down and bought him a playstaion. <sigh> And all I could think was "great, another stinking gaming console". Now, don't get me wrong. I own at least one game on each of the machines, usually a tetris, or break-out style game. I was so sick of platformers and rpgs and the like. Waaaaay to competative and time consuming.

Weeeeeeellllll...... My best friend came over one day while I was home sick, and brought a bunch of psx games. He played while I slept. He was playing Suikoden, and, well, Mina is such a little slut. I mean, really, "would you like me to dance for you now?" Puh-Lease!!! So I got sucked in. _Psuedo-ken_ (cute, eh?) was MINE!!! I finished the game with both my best friend and my husband watching. Whoo-hoo, loved it. And they were way psyched too! But now, I loaned the psx to the best friend, and the husband is playing the Jaguar. They are both fine with that. I couldn't get into Parasite Eve, the screen spun around toooooo much! I played a bit of FF&, and I _think_ I like it, but there is waaay too much pressure to play it. (It's like Jordan's Wheel of Time. Who can start a book _knowing_ there is 700 X 9=5,600 pages to go?) I am desperate for the release of Suikoden II. It seems to be taking forever. Please, oh you most knowledgable god of thunder, please give me advice on what to start next. Both guys are 1/2 to 3/4 through Xenogears, so I don't want to start that until at least on of them finishes. HELP!!

P.S. Adarok <the best friend, and way cool artist, see the hack archive!!> says I am fully MORE addicted than he to Ask Thor. I now tell HIM what was cool each day <the result of reading it more often than he>..... thank you thank you thank you, for such a way cool column!!!


- Cairyn

For the PlayStation we have Tales of Destiny, Brave Fencer Musashi, Guardian's Crusade, and Wild ARMs. For the SNES, we have Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy II, Final Fantasy III, Robotrek, and Super Mario RPG. Saturn has Magic Knight Rayearth and Albert Odyssey. And fianlly, the Genesis has a couple of RPG goodies, like Phantasy Star IV and Shadowrun.

Don't mistake this for a comprehensive list, it's just a few games I figured you'd enjoy. Have fun, now. And don't forget to talk to everyone. Twice.

O_o <-Anime face of "huh?!".
Gremio is cool and cute.

American, muscle flexing, macho jerks suck bigtime, kill those bastards!


PS. I'm serious.

- DS

Dude, if anyone does any sucking, it's Gremio.
Thought up a new humiliating nickname?
Ask Thor
(I doubt you could beat "Thorgasm" if you tried.)
Like Old Crap?
Try the Archives
(Don't worry folks, it'll return as soon as the missing columns do.)
Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?
The Hack Archive
Thor Antrim: Anime Style
(Next update:
December 22nd, 2012)
Quickies and other immature wordplay
This doesn't really have much of anything to do with anything, but did you know that IGN actually took the time and effort to reserve the URL ? Companies with money to burn and nothing better to do with their employee's free time: Next week on Oprah.
I'm asking all Cthulu fans (that includes you) to PLEASE head over to here, head to the main fight and PLEASE vote for Cthulu to be able to kick the asses of Dr Fate and Dr Strange. Sure thing, dude! Readers, rally to save the world's most popular Elder God! Why, we can't have him losing to those pansies like Dr Fate and Dr Strange. (Of course, if you honestly think the doctors would win, feel free to vote for them, yadda yadda yadda.)
Funniest column(4/12/99) yet, keep it up Thor!

- Joseph Witham

Glad ya liked it, man. One of my favorites is the 3/9 column. Check it out for classic Thorisms.
Well, you're running short on sacks of dead monkeys, right? Just use the rabbits bodies as a substitute. From the great minds at MENSA, folks.
You know, if you could get an icon of Shadow Zero doing his little dance (even though it's just mirroring the image over and over) that would be even cooler than the original.
- Bubbawheat
Consider it done, oh ringleader of Celebrity Deathmatches. (I still can't believe I lost to Lorelai. Like, cha. I powerbomb her on a regular basis! Don't worry, though -- they're just affectionate powerbombs. I only jackknife my enemies.)
Thor Stuff

I'm going to get Legend of Legaia, woo!

That game looks nifty. And the demo was fun. The one problem is I'm constantly reminded I enjoy a game by the Wild ARMs guys. Snifflekins...

Have you guys noticed something odd lately? The Shadow Madness demo was blasted, yet Legend of Legaia's demo is being heavily praised. And all the print magazines who received reviewable copies agree that SM is a worse game than LoL.

The hardcore RPG with no plot and crap graphics beats down the stunningly beautiful Final Fantasy VII clone; not just according to rabid fans, but according to professionals.

Did we slip in the Twilight Xone when I wasn't looking or something? Aww, damnit. If I go through any radical changes again, I'm quitting.

Shadow Zero Dancing Attack EX Mega! Thor "Hey baby, wanna see my dancing Ninja?" Antrim
You know, to this day, I have never quoted band lyrics here. I r0x0r.

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