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Thor Antrim - April 1st '03- 4:00 Pacific Standard Time

Blarg! It is I, Thor, legendary Q&A Dude, temporarily back from wandering the world on a quest for the finest oddities for Thor's House of Recalcitrancy. Blarg! Whether you want to admit it or not, Googleshng is my bitch and Andrew Duff is a merely pale imitation. And I have the IRC logs to prove it. Blarg!

Eddy: And I am Eddy! Thor's talking mutant hand! And the ladies love me!

Thor: Release her, Eddy. We have a column to write.

Eddy: *slurp*

Thor: Wow, that little jack-o-lantern mouth of yours is really... HANDY.

Eddy: You've still got it, Thor.

Thor: Don't patronize me.

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Really Bad Games

Thor,

Hey! To start off, I wish you good luck in battling the potatoes. I have not read all of the story yet (I am up to around message 18), so, if you are already done now, good job! Second, I would like to ask about this- what was your least favorite video game of all time? I mean the flat-out worst game that made you feel like breaking your TV into many small pieces. I'm not quite sure about mine... I pretty much hate games without any kind of story. ("After the Evldth Labs sent feet to Mars, you have been forced to shoot zombies!")

- Ewcoolio

Thor: There are plenty of games with stories so sparse I couldn't play them -- Half-Life, Xenogears, etc. But what really annoyed me was Mario 64. I was so totally unimpressed with the polygonal world. (It wasn't even the first 3D game I played; I got Quake to run on my 486DX/66 at a very respectable 9fps - now THAT was impressive!) Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island was way better than Mario 64, and that was on my good ol' SNES! (Fact: The fewer bits, the better the game. Anything over 32 is utter garbage. Atari remains the pinnacle of gaming.) If you ask me, Nintendo wouldn't have lost the Next Gen war if Mario 64 had starred Baby Mario.

Eddy: I can't stand those games where there are hot chicks who should be getting it on but they don't.

Thor: What?

Eddy: You know, like Fear Factor.

Thor: Oh, Eddy. You truly are a moron.

NOT THE MAMA THOR!

You guys honestly didn't try very hard this year for April Fool's. Chrono Break shots (which are obviously photoshoped), some weird articles, and saying Thor's going to guest host for a while (been done before). Try harder next time. = P

Thor: I understand why you'd be wary of such chicanery after Ryan Amos (badly) impersonated me a while back. But this column is 100% Thor, baby.

Eddy: *Ahem*

Thor: Fine, fine. It's 50/50% Thor and Eddy.

Eddy: Personally, my favorite April Fools joke is GameForms.

These are the days of our character's lives. (Admit it, my quick wit humbles you.)

Salutations Thor!

How goes it? I'm mostly writing to welcome you back to your old position as...although temporary...Q and A god...er...guy!

Thor No, you had it right the first time.

Well, I guess I better add in a question about RPGs...so...what do you think of a soap opera based RPG? You may be thinking "you're crazy!", but my mom is a huge soap fan, so I get more then my fair share of exposure, and I've noticed it has potential. I mean, imagine saving your long lost twin brother from your transvestite father just to find out that your twin brother has actually no relation to you but is instead an alien trying to destroy the world with a weather machine and after stopping him learning that he's pregnant with your baby and that the baby is foreseen to become the Messiah of Pluto...tell me that wouldn't rock!

Eddy: Back up. You get more than your fair share of exposure... from your mom?

Thor It's all right, Eddy. They're probably Italian. You know how those people are. I think the idea is great, especially the part about the washing machine. RPGs are so dirty these days, what with their "adult" content and "mature" storylines. A nice relaxing RPG set in a Laundromat would be a breath of air as fresh as any anti-static cling cloth. Just imagine... battling the coin machine for change, trying to sneak around in a laundry cart, hidden from the one good eye of the old hag who runs the place -

Eddy: Hag? She's kind of hot, if you squint.

Thor Eddy, if I possessed the power to traverse time, I would gladly sell you to slave away at a Greek vomitorium. You are more effective than any Emetic.

Eddy: Thanks, Thor. I love you. :D

Yeah, I guess I'm done. Oh...and to celebrate your return...a Thorku:

Thor is the God of Q and A / I think he stole my taco / I'm really fucking hungry

- Always, ForneverDreams

Thor: *wipes away a tear* That was beautiful, Fornever. For more Thorku poems, try Thor's House of Recalcitrancy! Just scroll down a bit and enjoy.

Eddy: Wouldn't be your mom's taco by any chance, would it?

Thor: I'm warning you, Eddy. Don't make me lop you off at the wrist.

CLASSIC QUESTIONS. HEY, AT LEAST THEY'RE NOT ASKING IF YOU CAN BRING BACK AERITH.

Cool. Thor's back...

Time for some classic questions.

1) Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?

Thor: Does a friendly RPG villiage burn in the first fifteen minutes?

2) More importantly, WOULD you right now?

Thor: Does a friendly RPG village survive the first fifteen minutes?

3) Now, are the pants what's sexy, or is it what's in the pants?

Thor: The butcher wouldn't let me weigh it, but I guestimate it's a good several ounces of grade A++ beef.

4) Since I imagine you're in the same place as I am (without a PS2 or any other next-next-gen system) what classic SNES or PSX games should I replay? I've got pretty much everything.

Eddy: Why are you asking me? What am I, your mother? Go play Mary Kate and Ashly Funtime Adventure, you indecisive braggart. So you have pretty much everything? Well here's one thing you don't have: A talking mutant hand.

Thor: Ooh! Diss!

5) You have to tell the whole hair story again; namely, why you have red hair, when Anime-Thor has blonde.

Thor: I'm a natural blonde, and I have the pubes to prove it. But back in '99, I never left the computer and looked like a damn goth. So I dyed my hair red with henna, which supposedly washes out after a month, but it never went back to normal. Now I'm like, a permanent dirty-strawberry-blonde. And dirty strawberries aren't very appetizing. But in my mind (and on my head, if I ever got enough sun), I'm still surfer blonde. Hence Anime Thor.

6) Stuck in a cabin for weeks, and you played Vice City, ignoring the girl? Dude...

And other stuff I can't think of right now.

- Brandon "The Lt. Of Bubblewrap"

Thor Oh, I'm way gay. I thought everyone knew already.

Eddy: Ugh... Can I please stop now, Thor? Please?

Thor: Less talk, more action.

Hehe.

Dear Thor,

How are you? It's a pleasant surprise to see that you are hosting again, so I thought I'd write something. I just got the new Zelda and frankly, it's, well, easy. The first three dungeons were so simple that I didn't even need to consult gamefaqs at all. I hope that the difficulty picks up, because I don't want to finish this in less than a week. I guess Master Quest just heightened my expectations, but this is ridiculous.

Thor: Can you believe Jeremy Parish is having trouble with it? Then again, what do you expect. ToastyFrog is nothing compared to THoR. I mean, his page is filled with the same literate videogame coverage day in and day out, while on THoR, you never know what you'll get. Wrestling? Check. Short stories? Check.

Eddy: Talking mutant hands? You'd better BELIEVE that's a check.

Ok rant's over. now for a question. Which GBA game are you most looking forward to?

Thor: The ones based on SNES games, because unlike GBA games, SNES games didn't suck.

Eddy: Not unless you pay 'em right.

Thor: Come now, there's no need for that. This is a family column.

Eddy: Hehe. You said "come".

Videogames for the Homeless

Hey Thor, what's going on? Hopefully better for you than me...I lost my job friday, got in a car accident saturday, and had to move out of the apartment I could no longer afford sunday. But nobody cares...*sniff* But I digress. ANYWAY...

Thor: In all seriousness, that truly sucks. Good luck, man. Hang in there.

Question for you...I remember when the remakes of the first three Dragon Warrior games came out on GBC, I was hoping they'd come out with a remake of DW4 for GBC, because that was the first good game in the series. Unfortunately, they never did. Later on I realized it was probably because the GBC cartridges didn't have the space or the unit itself didn't have the resources to run a game as advanced as DW4, so whatever. I guess this is my roundabout way of asking you if you'd heard anything about a remake of DW4, and possibly 5 and 6, for the Gameboy Advance? How would you feel about those rereleases? Because I haven't boutht a GBA yet, and those three games would probably be a very good reason for me to buy one.

Thor: Haven't heard of anything, sorry. In the meantime, have you seen Videgames for the Homeless?

Actually, I suppose I have another question for you...are you going to get Final Fantasy Origins? I think I'll pick that one up, just because I think those are two games that would doo good to be updated with a modern look. I know I should have been reading the news, but I wasn't paying attention...is there going to be anything changed about the games when they're rereleased? Like, is there going to be movies added a la FF Anthology/Chronicles, or any special features or New Game + type feature, or anything to distinguish them from the originals other than updated graphics and sound?

- Robust Stu

Eddy: I guess you're too busy being a lazy bum who can't drive to check out the information page. But then again, I don't really blame you. Since GIA shut down it's all gone downhill. I don't read RPGamer, I really shouldn't expect anyone else to.

Thor: It's true. I don't even play RPGs anymore.

Eddy: What do you play, Thor?

Thor: Mostly I play with toys fun fun toys like Boxing King Invincible, available purchase at Thor's Homepage of Recalcitrancy.

Eddy: My god, man. Have you no soul?

Thor: Quiet, Eddy.

Oh, sweet melody

Thor,

I believe that no one makes high powered, awsome videogame music anymore. Way back in the eighties, and early nineties, music was the most important aspect in imersing the player in the game. Now think about now, when it seems easier to make incredible graphics, than to hire a composer that can churn out great, intense works, as in Chrono Trigger's Battle With Magus, Final Fantasy 6's Atma Weapon theme, Lunar 2's Omni-Zophar theme, and just about anything from the Ys series. So, do you think people have forgotton how truly awsome music is the sole thing (besides the story of course) that turns the little characters and numbers, into an egde of your seat, heart pumping, teeth clenched, epic battle to save humanity from an unspeakable evil? What are your thoughts on game music?

- Lukethebangeek

Thor: If you ask me, all that old "music" really kind of sucked. Just a bunch of bloopy beepy cheap Casio keyboard crap. I always played videogames with the TV on mute (eventually, the green MUTE burned into the screen). The only time I could STAND videogame music was during the renaissance of the late nineties, when bands like Offspring and Rob Zombie were featured on virtually every game.

Eddy (sings):

Dig through the ditches
Burn through the witches
I slam in the back of my
Dragula!
Thor: You have the voice of an angel, Eddy.

Eddy: Suck my pinky, Thor.



Quickies

i like potatos. :D
- Anonymous

Thor: Die, alien scum!
Eddy: Why alien scum? Why never alien puss or alien eye boogers?
Thor: I never thought about it. The implications are staggering.
Eddy: Let's see what's on TV!

Thor Stuff:

Thor: Well gang, this brings my column to a close. We had some fun, we had some laughs, we had an unprescedented amount of shameless self promotion. Say goodnight, Eddy.

Eddy: Crabbits!

Thor: You'll pray for death before I am through with you.

Eddy: Aw, I do that anyway. :D

Thor & Eddy: *bow*

- Thor "Sexypants" Antrim (gothor@earthlink.net)

APRIL FOOLS! Purposely writing the worst column possible is harder than I thought.

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