Warning: Strong sexual content
Hewwo. Today we've lots of... well, lighthearted letters, concerning nothing of any real importance. It's really for the best, since it's Friday, and I never did like "threads" spilling into Monday. It's too messy and confusing, much like Kurt Cobain.
Final Fantasy 3's dirty little secret
(Final Fantasy 3 Spoiler.)
What was that guy who sent in the SquareSoft smut letter talking about? I've played FF3 all the way through dozens of times, and I don't remember any teen pregnancy, and I cannot remember Cid wearing a condom. Was all this taken out of the US version?
Ayup, there was teen pregnancy. Nothing too racy, though -- just those two kids under Terra's care in the World of Ruin. As for the "condom", well, that's a long running joke about Cid's weird looking rain-jacket thingamabob.
This is off the topic (whatever it is), Thor, But where did you hear the immortal phrase "con-sarnit"? I thought only I and Canadians knew about it. Maybe you could explain the origin as well? I certainly don't know, I just say it...

- Maou Jacky

Oh, I've heard it here and there all my life, but what burned it into my brain was an episode of MST3K, The Final Sacrifice. As for the origin, consarnit, er, originated from filthy watering holes in mining towns. Other "old prospector" slang includes:
  • "Dangnabit"
  • "Gol' derned"
Remember Riki in SaGa Frontier? He was a Lummox, right? According to the dictionary, Lummox is a colloquial (sp?) term for a clumsy, stupid person. And that pretty much sums up Riki. This screams for quickie release.

- Jason

Yessir, Riki is indeed a Lummox. No reason to make fun, though. As a lummox myself, I must take offense to such blaitant and unprevoked lummox bashing. How many lummox friends do you have, eh? One? None at all? Why, you're nothing but a no good lummoxist.
Well, ya gotta let them have some fun
I think if you have a main character that absolutely HAS to be gay, it should be a character with multiple personalities and one of the personalities should be gay. The other personality should be straight. Oh wait, I think they already did that in bad...

- Arakin

Ha, ha. Very funny. :D
Lovecraft for RPGers
The little quickie today regarding Lovecraft short stories got me thinking: wouldn't it be AWESOME if some inspired developer designed and published a Lovecraft-inspired RPG? I'm not talking about weird shape-changing gross out "thing"-fests like D2 or Resident Evil, but something along the lines of a console RPG with all sorts of Lovecraftian references, perhaps some Great Old Ones wreaking havoc, that sort of thing. A console RPG version of Carpenter's _In the Mouth of Madness_ would be close to the idea :). I'm just tired of the happy colorful Japanese console RPGs and the dark, horror-filled games being action/adventures like Silent Hill...why can't we have a disturbing, dark, twisted, cosmos-rending RPG? ;)

- Now and Forever, lmjh

Yeah, that'd rock. Sadly, the only Lovecraftian games I know of are the Alone in the Dark series and a great little number called Lurking Horror. Lurking Horror was rated one of Next-Generations top 100 (it was 100, right?) games in a past issue, and rightly so. It was a wicked little text adventure, which really worked in its favor -- the game is just as effective today as it was back then. No outdated graphics or poor animation here. Oh, and I must scream like a drunken Pantera roadie for a minute: IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS RULED! <ahem>, sorry.
The Beautiful People
I swear to god.....from Next Generaton On-Line.....[Link]

I wonder if Squall has ribs removed at some point in the game.....?

Just to save people the trouble:

"Uhhuhuh, Marilyn Manson!"

And yes, that was only a rumor.

David, listen to your Mother!
What I think we have here, in reading all of these letters about main charaters sexuality, is a bunch of people who are fixated on sex. Square isn't the one with the problem, you people who drudged up all that crap about character sexuality from god knows where in your subconscious mind. Quit projecting your own shortcomings on a perfectly innocent company and sublimate your energies to something more productive.

That is all,

- Anubis

People like Anubis here is why I almost titled yesterdays "SquareSoft Smut" letter "This is only a joke. I repeat, this is only a joke." Then I said to myself, "Thor", I said, "anyone who reads 'Cyan sending love letters posing as a dead man. Clearly indicates Square's views on necrophilia.' will instantly get that the list is all in good fun, chuckle, and move on." Sadly, I was wrong. Perhaps instead of posting spoiler warnings, I should post humor warnings...
Unfit for Print
Why is it that RPGamer gave FF8 an 9.5/10 even though they obviously don't understand the plot (They gave it N/A). I haven't seen one magazine article that has given FF7 or FF8 less than 9/10, yet many people I know hate FF7, and hate the entire concept of draw magic in FF8. Come on, don't you guys have any discretion, or is RPGamer's main purpose to regurgitate popular opinion? I know this is an RPG web page...but RPGamer doesn't seem to realize that there is such a thing as a bad RPG. I can list a few: Earthbound, Legend of Legaia, Super Mario RPG, Beyond the Beyond. Everybody at RPGamer goes nuts when there is a popular game out like FF7, but nobody ever mentions much better, but less known games such as Lufia 2. Is it your actual opinion, or are you just afraid to criticize any popular games? Don't you have an opinion that isn't exactly the same as popular opinion? I'm tired of seeing people who think a plot is profound just because it talks about the planet and death. In FF7, most of the characters have little real influence on the plot, and just speak up and help out at sporatic moments throughout the game. If anybody has ever played a game with a REAL plot (Like FF4 - non-destroyed-by- translators type, or even Xenogears), and paid attention to the plot, then paid close attention to the FF7 plot, they would see the tremendous difference in quality. So basically, my question is: Is your popular-hype attitude your true opinion?
You know, I liked this argument a lot better when I made it on the 3/17 Ask Thor.

What we have here is someone who puts such weight in his own opinions he smells conspiracy every time someone disagrees with him. The funny thing is, anyone who reads this column should know how much I bitch about RPGs. I hate to say it, but I complain more than rave. When I ranted about Wild ARMs, or when Ryan (FF9 reviewer), blasted Zelda 64, was that popular opinion? Hardly.

But enough of that babble, lets get to what made this dandy letter unfit for print: He critiques RPGamer for praising a currently untranslated game, then he himself praises Final Fantasy 4's "non-destoryed-by-translaters-type" storyline. Either he's talking about a rom hack, which is about as official as me standing on a tree stump shouting a summery of the plot, or he means the actual Final Fantasy 4 Hardtype, which was never translated... much like FF9. I guess it's okay for him to enjoy a plot he can't understand, just not RPGamer reviewers.

The moral of this UfP is beware contradicting yourself. Read your rant over a few times, just to make sure, or your letter might be.... <thunder clashes> unfit for print!

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Bite sized Quickies
Um...what's prozac? And why is it in cookies?
-Dark Fenrir
It's an anti-depressant, and because Lorelai knows that's the only way to keep my embarrassing and psychotic bouts of violence against people who like The Backstreet Boys.
just wanted to point out that "Highly explosive sexypants" might have some... interesting connotations that you wouldn't want in a nickname...
- Mala
Um, hehe. Yeow.
Feuerengel was talking about wolves. First, wolves are of the genus Canis and the species lupus. Lupine is an adjective used to describe someone who is "wolfish." Lupine is also, as Feuerengel said, a flower. However, it is of the genus Lupinus, not Lupus.
- Avalon
There. After three days, the argument has ended. I think. I hope. Hell, I don't even care! In fact, don't listen to this guy, he's probably wrong. Listen to Ol' Uncle Dominick, who has but one eye and a handfull of teeth. Dominick is right -- Dominick is always right...
Sometimes when I play my groovy Mario 1 game, my hands cramp up and I eventually just give up. What should I do? :(
- Bubble
Just call up Thor Antrim's "Game Pain" Massage Imporium! We'll send over an actual Thor to play your videogames for you, give your hands a massage, or just eat all your food and crash on the couch.
Thor Stuff

Man, this column kind of sucked.

I'm quite grumpy, as you could probably tell from those last two letters, and am experiencing writers block right now. It's a painful, burning sensation in my imagination. I'm going to go pop a few Melatonin, lay down and sleep for ten or twelve weeks. TTFN!

- Thor "Wake me and DIE" Antrim
Waah, I didn't get many good questions! D:

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