Questions suck!
Today is special for a number of reasons. For one, it's a Thursday, which means Thursday Thorsday Madness, when the usual rules of this column cease to apply. For another, it's the 25th, which is the best number. And finally, I recieved dozens of interesting letters, and not one question. Well, there were a few, but nothing we haven't covered before: Release dates, information on games I've already given invormation about, that sort of thing.

So today, I've decided not to print one damn question. Oh, the horror! It may sound weird, but you'll still enjoy todays column. Trust me on this.

SquareSoft Smut
(Final Fantasy 6 spoilers)
Greetings, O Highly Explosive One.

I have noticed a tendency for people to point out certain scenes in Final Fantasy 7 which could be regarded unkindly by 'concerned citizens,' pointing them out as proof that Square's games are gradually reorienting to 'Mature Audiences.' Certainly it does have those scenes, but by no means was this disturbing trend started in FF7.

Case in point: FF3/6j. Want a list? Tough, you've got one anyway.

  • Teen pregnancy in the village of children.
  • The insinuation that Kefka um, 'used' Terra while she wore the Slave Crown during the flashback sequence.
  • Relm hitting on Edgar. Clearly indicates Square's views on pedophilia.
  • Cyan sending love letters posing as a dead man. Clearly indicates Square's views on necrophilia.
  • Setzer's love for Daryl. She's dead too...
  • The fact that you are given an 'Offering' from KatanaSoul, who wields a large phallic weapon. Self-explanatory
  • All those moogles shacking up with that yeti. Self-explanatory.
  • Cid is clearly wearing an enormous condom.
  • Shadow's dog is named 'Interceptor'. It better not be a pointer.
  • Ziekfried. (OK, he's no Milich, but still...)
  • Ultros and 'Mr.' Chupon. The two are inseparable! Just what are we supposed to infer from their relationship?
  • Interspecies dating between Maduin and Madonna.
  • The fact that Madonna's even *in* the game...
And now Square's putting out a new version, with FMV and close-ups of the various characters. That picture of Kefka speaks louder than I ever could...

- GMW "Don't even get me started on General Leo..." The Jeemster--

Great googley moogley, you're right! Square is corrupting the minds of America's youth! In light of this recent discovery, I can only think of one reply: Cut it out, Square. That's my job.
Mini reviews = good. Satan = bad.
I think the reader mini-reviews are great! please post more. They offer an 'amateur', if you will, take on the game. I love to hear how other regular gamers out there feel about a game. And if some think that they are to long and take up space, here is a quick and painless solution. Scroll past it. easy huh?

- SuperFly Chady Snuka

Cool. I figured you guys wouldn't mind if I started to post 'em, but it never hurts to make sure.
Gay pride
Big Daddy Thor,

Regarding rpgrob's letter, I don't think the main character is gay. I also doubt the main character is straight. He goes through the entire game without "getting his groove on." While this may seem like it could be a good example for your 'loveless RPG' theory, it's actually somewhat more disturbing.

Y'see, not only is there the aforementioned Gremio thing, but everyone's favorite little ninja in mind-numbingly bright pink, Kasumi, seems to have a raging thing for our nameless hero as well. She drops hints all over the places, but heroboy doesn't ever seem to notice.

Conclusion: After causing so much death, and being forced to lead an army against his former country, the main character has become a pathetic shell of a human being, with the libido of a lima bean. The moral of the story? Mama, don't let your sons grow up to be Rebels (take THAT, Skywalker!)

- Charon
Flaming heterosexual

Tell me about it! After a three month campaign against the Deathknights of Pangaea, I was reduced to such as state that candy tasted like bread, days seemed dark as night, and even Teri Hatcher started to look a little old. It was only with the healing properties of the great Cap'tane Khrunch was I able to revitalize. Moments later, the Deathknights fell, and I returned home a hero, showered with roses, gold and babes. Then I woke up.
I just wanted to say that i would like to play a 15 hour rpg with a gay main character.

I think that would be pretty neat. Anyone, who says that every video game character isn't gay anyway. I think what we have here, is that rpgrob is gay. I believe he is unsure of his own sexual preferences though, and so he pretends that he is against that. I think that rpgrob should respond again, telling Thor all of his problems and coming out with the truth. That is the only way that he will ever accept who he is.

- Velo214, one who accepts all people. except ignorant jerks, i don't like them.

Come on, that's just being silly. So someone doesn't want to play an RPG where the main character was gay -- so what? That's not ignorance; that's perference. Suggesting that the only reason he wouldn't like to roleplay a gay character is because he's struggling with his own latent homosexuality isn't exactly helping the war against ignorance. What you're doing is using homosexuality as an insult: "Yeah? Well, you just don't want to because you're gay!". All 'rob said was that he'd rather not play The Legend of Leonardo DiCaprio ( not that I'm insinuating anything, heh heh), and I think we should just leave it at that.

Besides, I'd rather not play a game starring Janet Reno. So I guess that makes me, um, Janet Reno. Good logic. :D

You mean... you don't like it? <teary eyed stare>
Hey Sexypa... er... Highly Explosive Dude,

Check this out

Main Entry: popápet
Pronunciation: 'pŠ-p&t
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English popet -- more at PUPPET
Date: 15th century
1 a Midland : DOLL b obsolete : MARIONETTE
2 chiefly British : DEAR
3 a : an upright support or guide of a machine that is fastened at the
bottom only b : a valve that rises perpendicularly to or from its seat 
Your either calling us your dolls (*looks down* uhh, nope), dear (I hope not for obvious reasons), an upright support (*looks down again* nope again), or a valve (*looks once again* still no.) So which is it? I'mm hoping for an upright support. I guess it just sounds kinda cool and the rest don't. Yeah, I'm a buff upright support. I hold up machinery. Heh heh.

- G-man

Nope, you're a doll. A cute little doll named Susan. You spend your nights laying on your back, staring at the ceiling, waiting for your owner, little Maggie McGregor to come home from kindergarden so she can hug you and squeeze you and call you George.

Seriously though, I meant "dear". It's an affectionate term which has gone sadly out of style. Even if I did mean a doll, why, look at all the good dolls do! They give little girls child training, they help save lives in CPR classes, and Mike even bought an extra special doll to keep him company on those long, cold winter nights when, er... wait, I just remembered Tidwell reads this. Nevermind.

I think he's turing Japanese
I was going to write an editorial about this, but seeing as how you are the only consistent part of rpgamer, I thought I'd send it to you. I'll try to keep it short. I have a bone to pick.

You know the profile of the standard type of the wannabe Japanese person: American or Canadian, always refer to RPGs by their Japanese name, and often do the same with the characters names as well. To them is is sacrilege to ever rename a character in an RPG. They also love anime, and are trying to learn Japanese. This breed is harmless, but the next type I will speak about is not.

The second type of wannabe Japanese person has all or most of the above qualities, but, there is a small, but important difference. These people are the ones who complain about translations. I am not the people who are sick of dry dialogue and grammatical errors, that group includes just about everyone. I am talking about the people who say "I am sick of WD butchering RPGs, I am sick of 'Localization', I want a direct word for word translation with Japanese cultural references that I will not understand, so maybe I will be more Japanese." Their complaints are completely out of laziness. Their thinking is "I don't want to learn Japanese, but I want to play the same exact game the Japanese play, so I can be more like the cool Japanese players." They are the minority, but they are loud, especially on the internet.

Do you agree with my view? Or do you think these people are in the right in their expectations of the translators?

- Organico

Well, I'm very pro-localization. As shocked as I was when I first heard Working Designs made use of a "Yo Mama" joke, I've grown to accept and support this so called "butchering" of RPGs. And ya know what? Unless you have a game like Final Fantasy 7, or Panzer Dragon Saga, where the storyline is very serious and dark, I think there's plenty of room for jokes and Earth/American references. Why complain when someone mentions "Swiss Cheese", anyway? It gets the point across, it sounds natural enough, and most of all... chances are the Japanese script had the exact same reference, just in, uh, Japanese.

I liked "Spoony bard". I liked "Fire! Fire! Heh heh". What I don't like is people who complain about the unimportant. It cheapens relevant complaints until people are too sick of bitching to be willing to listen. Why nag about Xenogears dubbing instead of complementing Square for lack of typos? (At least compared to FFT/FF7.) Why yell at Working Designs because they tell an "American" joke, instead of a confusing and badly translated "Japanese" joke? It just makes no sense.

In summery: Bitching about inhuman dialog, typos and confusing directions to that !@#$ cave no one can find because "northwest of the green mountain under sea" is impossible to decipher = good. Bitching about lip synching, jokes and character names = bad. That's just my opinion, though.

The coolest storyline ever
Fatal Fantasia XXVXII

Jaba, the main character, is a heartless mercenary that prefers to kill people rather than capturing them. This makes him the most feared mercenary in the land of S'Presso, a kingdom that has already conquered half the world. His girlfriend, a ditzy, airhead, blonde and pink polka-dotted colored hair, who's name is S'Prtzr, was kidnapped by the emporer of S'Presso, Emperor Mo'Kha, to be his wife. Jaba is happy by this turn of events, because it was S'Prtzr who decided to be his girlfriend. Not him. This prevented Jaba from having to brutally murder S'Prtzr because of how annoying she is to him. Unfortunately, after S'Prtzr was taken away, and to the great shame of Jaba, she publicly told the world during the announcement of her wedding to the Emperor that she and Jaba were in love. It was also at that time that the Emperor Mo'Kha announced to the world that coffee, and all of it's variant, is now the sacred and can only be drunk by the Emperial family of S'Presso. Angered by this turn of events, actually angry because of the new rule about coffee and the fact that S'Presso will soon conquer the world, thus depriving the world's population from all forms of coffee, Jaba has taken it upon himself to kill the Emperor, and hopefully S'prtzr along with him, and allow the rest of the world to crink coffee. OK, so he wants to kill the Emperor so HE can drink coffee again, and S'Prtzr because now everyone thinks that they are in love.

And so, this is where the story begins, as an epic quest of epic proportions about a middle-aged man (OK, so he's 50 years old, there's nothing wrong with that!) that will go against an entire empire just so he can save the woman of his dreams, and allow the rest of the world to finally gain peace from the oppressive and wicked Kingdom of S'Presso! It is this that everyone in the world believes, but in truth Jaba is just about ready to kill himself because that is what everyone thinks. All he wants to do is just kill the Emperor, and S'Prtzr as a bonus, and finally be able to sit back and just relax with a nice cup of coffee and enjoy his retirement from mercenary work. Hey what do you expect, he's 50 years old?!

As he go about his quest, actually his personal vendetta and revenge, he will meet many new friends, acquaintences actually (he's really anti-social, comes with being a mercenary ever since he was 8 years old and having everyone but him die), who shall help him defeat the Emporer, and hopefully brutally murder S'Prtzr, unless she latches onto someone else, and allow him to finally drink coffee in relative piece.

- CCMax

An anti-social jerk who just wants to kill a few people and enjoy a nice cup of joe? Man, I can identify. Thanks for writing the plot of an RPG centered around coffee. The sad thing is it seemed much more entertaining than half the RPGs I've played last year. (Old and new -- I'm not making a comment on the 'new trend of RPG storyline' or something.) Who knows, maybe Hironobu Sakaguchi, producer of Final Fantasy games will read this and... bah, who am I kidding? The producer of Drakkhen wouldn't read this crap.
More of a suggestion than a question, really.
Hey, how about instead of calling you "Highly Explosive Dude" instead of "Sexypants," we just call you "Sexypants the Highly Explosive Dude," "Highly Explosive Sexypants," or "Highly Explosive Sexypants Dude." Although, I wouldn't be the one calling you those, since I happen to be male.

- Dragonfirey

I should have known, just going by the name. As far as manly names go, Dragonfirey is right up there with "Pat", "Chris" and "Francis". I still don't see why being male would stop him from calling me Sexypants, though. Maybe he's pantsphobic!
Musical Squares! Haha! Funny!
Hey Thor,

This is for the guy who asked about Final Fantasy sheet music. I know I'm a bit late and someone (BioHazard) gave some URL's with sheet music, but I have some additional info, so hear me out. One of BioHazard's links was to Final Fantasy Square at which contains scores for Final Fantasy III through VI. This site also has scores from Final Fantasy Piano Collections but I'll get to that later.

The scores from FFIII - FFVI come from piano books published by Doremi Publishing, a Japan-based music publisher. Doremi publishes books which contain sheet music for the OSV's of various games, including FF1-7, Chrono Trigger, some Seiken Densetsu, and even some non-RPG's such as Super Mario, and Super Metroid. However, the above link does not have nearly the number of songs on that the book by Doremi has. I located the FFVI OSV sheet music book at a Japanese book store called Kinokuniya, and am pretty sure they still have them in stock (not only FFVI, but all Doremi books, of course you can always special order) . There is a listing of US store locations with addresses, and phone numbers here at

However, there is one problem with these music books. Since the OSV's were written for entire orchestras the songs must be simplified in order to be able to play with your two hands on the piano :-). However, Doremi made a big mistake in that they simplified it WAY too much. Not only are they way too simple but certain subtleties that defined Uematsu's wonderful style were lost. I guess they were aimed towards children, so unless youre a beginner at the piano, you'll be bored quite easily.

However, you can always get the Final Fantasy Piano Collections. Much easier said than done, but then you can obviously "illegally" download from the FInal Fantasy Square site :-) If you do happen to find one in a store, I congratulate you. But this is actually a cd bundled with a music book with piano sheet music specially arranged by Square (I think by Uematsu himself). But, this means that only certain songs were chosen to be arranged for piano, and they are changed slightly, they don't sound exactly like the songs in the OSV. Some are pretty close, but others.... well, just don't cut it IMO. Oh and by the way, all of the sheet music from Final Fantasy in the BioHazard's first two links (I couldn't connect to the third) are from either Doremi, or the Piano Collections, but I'm sure Kinokuniya would have the other books listed at BioHazard's second site.

So here you go Thor, and all of you RPG music enthusiasts. I know I've thrown at you a lot of info, but keep in mind that it took me about 3 months of wildly searching on the Internet, in Newsgroups, and at local music stores for all of this information. (I purchased my FFVI music book about a year ago) So I hope you guys print this letter.

Thank you,

- David Liu

Thanks, Daveyboy. I realize you put a lot of work into this. To anyone who wants to whine that they were bored with this letter: It's called the "Page Down" key. Look into it.
You know, you really should rethink writing fake letters.

- Mirtna J. Roht

No! No! A thousand times no! Why, I'd sooner call Richard Simmons attractive before I did something that evil.
A Final Fantasy RPG? What are the chances!

I cannot apologize enough for this delay. What I initially planned on delivering to you in two weeks or less, has doubled. With my computer deciding to dispose of it's Windows directory (Normally, I'd applaud such initiative.) , it managed to wreak havok with all of my computer-related endevours and put a serious crimp in my scheduling plans.

But here, at long last, is a legible copy of the 6th Revision rules for your enjoyment. What I've sent you is a smattering of the actual rules document; enough should be contained within that anyone can make a character from one of about 8 classes, and play to about the 10th level of experience. Although I've tried to send a complete workable set of the rules, in removing some things (Like the Range & Area rules, Engineering Designs & Contstruction, etc.) I may have inadvertantly made the game seem more like "Final Fantasy Paper-based Emulation" rather than an actual RPG.

Also, since the game was initially built upon Final Fantasy IV's campaign scenario, you will notice throwbacks to earlier revision days in the form of FFIV referrences, especially in the instances of the Pig, Toad, Hummingway & Lunarian.

I suppose I should just stop rambling, especially about any inadiquacies this beta may have. This is the first release of the game beyond my personal circle of friends, so I guess I'm just jittery about it's reception by the masses. I hate this feeling.

Uh, it's also in Wordpad format. (*.doc) I should have simply sent it in a text format, but I found that it's a little easier to decipher with the bolds and italics that Wordpad offered. I dunno if you'll wanna ship it as is, convert it to a txt file, or htmlize it. I'll leave those decisions in your hands. The real 6th Revision is for WordPerfect 8, and I figured that *.doc would be a little more commonplace.

Also, I don't have stats for a Moogle race (There were no Moogles in FFIV) ; as you alluded to wanting to play in your response to the initial letter. But if I were to make some up off the top of my head, I'd have to say:

Statistical Maximums: Str.:99, Agil.:80, Vit.:99, Wis.:80, Will:99
Abilities: +10 to Hit% w/Spear. GM Discretion: Limited Flight (1 round/min in air for 5 rounds/mins of being grounded immediately afterwards.)
In truth, I wouldn't let the little buggers fly at all, but that one in FFVII's Mog House game seemed capable of it. I guess I'll leave it in the hands of individual GMs everywhere.

Anyways, I am thinking that this letter itself is best left addressed to you alone. Most everything I have to say to people who might want to DL it can be found in the first few pages of the file anyways. Lastly, thanks for correcting my day of the week blunder in my previous letter. ^_^ Have a nice night, Mr.Antrim.


- Jeremy Baker

This guy rules. It's as simple as that.

In order to lessen the deadly effects of File Type Trauma, I've decided to give out two versions: A .doc file (227kb) for most Windows users, and A plain text .txt (107kb) file for everyone else. Jeremy is right, though -- the bold and italics really do help. Wait, actually, finish reading Ask Thor, and then go back and check 'em out. Wouldn't want ya'll to run off and try out the game before reading Thor Stuff. :D

Questions only.
Ask Thor
(Comments and editorials will be summerized, Quickied or deleted entirely. BUM ba Dum!)
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Bite sized Quickies
On the recent theme of RPG topics, I think I've found the perfect view of RPG progression throughout the years in the form of >8)>, the comic formerly known as "The Comic". Aaaanyways, it's at March 13th's strip.
- Ham On Rye
That comic is friggin' hilarious. If you have half a cent of humor, you should check it out.
I was just wondering what you would consider Lovecraft's greatest short story. If you say Call of Cthulhu then you're a fake and then that is the only one you've read!
The Outsider, which you can find here. There, ya happy?
Who is the sexy privite dick who won't cop out when there is trouble all about?
Shigeru Miyamoto! Can ya dig it?
Thor Stuff

I clumped together a bunch of suggestions for dark games/RPG coincidences yesterday 'cause of the high amount of duplicates. What I didn't count on was vEGO the Carpaithian, who spent hours playing Final Fantasy 3 and Contra to in order to make one of the suggestions, gettin' all miffed at me. Well, there's your credit, ya big palooka.

To my billions of adoring fans: So it wasn't an ampersand. Bite me! :D

Psycho Mike Hasko made this groovy Magic: The Gathering card featuring yours truly.

StormDrake has found Heaven. No, really, check it out. I mean, if that isn't Heaven, what is?

- Thor "Big Dumb Man" Antrim
Tomorrow I'd better get some good questions. Or else I whip out The Box again.

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