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Jeb!
 
 
Toothless old man in rocker: Lots of multi-part questions 'round here lately, eh Jeb?
Jeb: Yeep... <takes a moment to spit into a filthy upturned turtle shell>
Toothless: Shure is.
Jeb: Yeep.
Toothless: Warm lately, too.
Jeb: Yeep. <watches an ant crawl nearby. Stomps on it.>
Toothless: Jeb? You ever think of going into politics?

The previous incomprehensible introduction was brought to you by Pull It Out Of Your Hat productions. Donations welcome; just not expected.

 
I just wanna know one thing: Why not feet?
Hey mighty Thor person,

I was wondering when is Thousand Arms coming out? In the preview it says Christmas 1998, but I didn't see it, and I didn't Come to this site before so I wouldn't know. Is it a typo or something? Also does it have anything to do with Wild Arms? And why do u have such an obsession over teri hatcher? I don't get it. I have seen the superman series once and well....why her? I am a kid so don't give me a smart arse answer or anything. Which raises another question....nevermind I'll let you go.

Sadly, the preview seems to be outdated. Thousand Arms was delayed until 3rdQ'99, which roughly translates into "sometime after June". And no, for anyone wondering, it has nothing to do with Wild ARMs. As for Teri -- who knows. I find most everyone pretty unattractive (from trendy models to local mountain hags), and Teri's one of the few exceptions, so I bring her up from, ahem, time to time as a pathetic running gag.
P.S. What do you think about Legend of Mana? Which raises another question. Is it 2 player or 1 player like that crappy Secret of Evermore? Which raises another......nevermind

- Maniac

There's no indication that Square developed a sort of mass-corporate insanity and decided to exclude multitap support, so it'll most likely be multi-player. And what do I think? I think I love Square for releasing LoM on my good ol' PlayStation instead of waiting for PS2. Thank you, Square! C'mere you big lug, gimmy some sugar.
 
Something wicked this way comes
(Legacy of Kain spoilerz, d000d!)
Thor 'Sexypants' Antrim (who in the hell came up with that?)
Don't look at me. Not because I didn't come up with the name, I just have something stuck in my teeth and it's embarrassing.
THOR! Please! I beg you! Tell me a game where not ONE person, main characters especially, falls in love with one of the team members.
Since I can't remember every useless bit of fluff concerning NPCs, I can only tell you which games don't have main characters falling in wove: Final Fantasy 1. Nothing romantic happened in that little bugger, God bless it. Also, Secret of Mana, Shadowrun, Suikoden... er, unless you count Gremio's rather disturbing relationship with the hero.
Secondly,

Is there a game where evil wins out in the end? Where all the good guys perish and die not accomplishing their goody-goody goals?

Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain, if you pick the "evil" ending. And, um. Street Fighter 2: Championship Edition if M. Bison wins. There, two. More than enough!
Thirdly, Is there a game where YOU get to play it from the bad guys point of veiw? Where you get to accomplish stealing the princess, (lame) or blowing up the world, or taking over and eradicating all signs of intelligent life? I mean Magus was definatly evil, but the whole time he was trying to accomplish his own little good intentions in the end. Killing Lavos and saving the world with a bunch of punk kids. Boo, hiss.
Again, Legacy of Kain. Kain isn't evil, nor is he good -- up until the very end of the game. Before that, you just sort of wander around, killing humans for food and doing whatever it takes to extract your revenge on, well, basically everyone.
Fourthly,

Sexypants. Hmmmm, for you? True. Drew is cute in his own sort of way. I spose as the comments of an RPGirl, you two rank REAL high! ^_~ But I wouldn't be caught dead dating you guys! You guys ain't quite Billy enough for me.... why in the world am I telling you this?

- Cloudy Squall

Hey, check it out! Someone honestly called me "sexypants". Well, I'll be damned. Granted, their name is "Cloudy Squall", but I'm pretty sure it's a girl -- though the "RPGirl" sentence was slightly confoozilating. Anyway, Cloudy is telling me this because I'm wearing my new Oil of Truth fragrance. My readers can keep no secrets from me while I wear this! Kyaa haa, ha!!!
 
The biggest scandal since Wild ARMs & The Good/Bad/Ugly
I feel betrayed! Kouhei Tanaka, the composer for both Alundra and The Granstream Saga has betrayed everyone who enjoys music in their RPGs above all else. He took the funeral dirge from Alundra and put it in Legend of Legaia! It's the exact same music! He didn't even bother to change the instruments! And what's worse is that the music is the theme for a wily female thief! She's not nice and in no way does she deserve that song! That song is the second most beautiful song in Alundra, (second only to the music form the interior of the lake shrine), and the only music from an RPG that was able to bring tears to my eyes! (Oh come on, don't even try to tell me that you didn't cry when Sybil and Jess were murdered by Ronan!) Anyway, I just felt like telling you this because I remember you saying how much you liked Alundra's soundtrack. Thank you for your time and attention.

- Evil Lover Extrordinaire

That's really... weird. I've never heard of a composer porting a song from one game to another. Remixes in sequels, sure -- but self-plagiarism is another thing entirely. Anyone out there who owns Alundra and GS want to verify this? If ELE turns out to be wrong, I'll have to retract his claim of shenanigans... and we don't want that, now do we?
 
:(
Hey Thor,

I can't believe you didn't cry during the whole 'Celes' bit in FF3! You inhuman monster!

- Gau Helldragon

In my life, I have met few people cruel and insensitive as Gau. As most everyone knows, I was born without tear ducts. It's been a hard life, I have to apply Clear Eyes every five to ten minutes, but I've learned to accept, and even forget my problem. And then someone like Gau rubs it in my face. So, fine, I didn't cry at the opera scene. I couldn't. What do you want, blood? That'd better be it, because mister, you sure aren't getting any tears.

By the way, did you know they removed the word "gullible" from the dictionary? S'true, see for yourself.

 
"Dyyyyyam!" -- Barret, Final Fantasy 7: The Lost Years.
Two answers to Drew's thoughtlets:

Q: How come gears can fight under water, but can't travel on water?

A: They're too heavy. A rock can go under water too but it cant travel on water can it? Well if you skip it but those are specifically shaped.

Q: Why is it that magic keeps becoming more difficult to obtain in the Final Fantasy series? Does Square have something against sorcerors?

A: You're seriously telling me Magic was difficult to obtain in Final Fantasy 7?

Hey, you're pretty good at this. Want my job? I'll trade ya for a beef sandwhich.
 
Questions? What're those?
Hey, Thor baby,

Where on earth does the "X" in "PSX" come from? PS is obviously short for PlayStation, but the "X"? is it just an arbitrary thing, or is there a real and deeper meaning behind the letter?

The explanation is long and boring. And since I've covered this before, I won't go into it. Lets just say it was the PlayStation's tentative name during development. Sony decided to switch to just PlayStation, but the acronym stuck. If you want more info, like, check the archives.
Also, some sites have posted the name of Sony's new console as PSX2, with the "2" superscripted so that it is read as "PSX Square". If this is true, then wouldn't be a little unsettling in the way it seems to allude to a political affiliation between Sony and Squaresoft? Granted, Square does provide a great deal of demand for the Playstation (I have a lot of friends who bought their PSXes solely because they heard -- or saw -- what a cool game FF7 was), but wouldn't it be a little unfair to other developers (if there indeed are any... the only games I have ever played on a PSX are Square RPGs)?
Chill, you're reading into things. Heh heh, I bet you could come up with some wild theories on Final Fantasy 7's ending. :D
Lastly, I am greatly anticipating FF8 for the PC... maybe "hoping" is a better word. I've just finished playing FF7PC again, and I certainly hope Square releases FF8 for the PC... and does not let the Lara Croft people do the porting.

Luv ya (column) always, sexypants,

- Melissa Pearce

Fun fact: As far as I know, Square handled the actual conversion, Eidos just did the marketing. So chances are FF8pc will be just as buggy as FF7pc. Yeehaw!
 
Kahwoolhuh?
Hey sexypants, (man I hate having to call you that)
Dude, call me anything you like -- except "RPGuru".
Being an audiophile, I want to hear that music off Final Fantasy Seven, and since it's all in XA format I can't play it! Where can I get a player that will play those files? One more thing: not all males from the south are sleeping with everything that walks on five legs (read: Drew). Some of us like women.
There are dozens of players out there, but I suggest trying ModPlug. You can either use Mod Plug as a plugin for your web browser, or as a stand-alone program which allows you to download "mods" (a generic term tracked music) and play 'em at your leisure. (Drew's from the south...?)
Oh, and how the crap do you say "Cthulhu"? Knowing how to actually say it is better than just spitting whenever I come across it.

-Powerfree

If you asked the guys at Chaosium, Inc., the makers of the Call of Cthulhu roleplaying game, they'd tell you "kuh-THOO-loo". If you asked an outspoken group of Lovecraftian scholars, they'd tell you "Cloo-loo". But after some quick research, I've tracked down a quote from The Man himself, H.P. Lovecraft:
The actual sound -- as nearly as human organs could imitate it or human letters record it -- may be taken as something like Khlžl'-hloo, with the first syllable pronounced gutturally and very thickly. The u is about like that in full; and the first syllable is not unlike klul in sound, since the h represents the guttural thickness. The second syllable is not very well rendered -- the l sound being unrepresented. (to Duane Rimel, 23 July 1934)
However! Lovecraft later contradicted himself, saying "the best approximation one can make is to grunt, bark, or cough the imperfectly-formed syllables Cluh-Luh with the tip of the tongue firmly affixed to the roof of the mouth".

So to answer your question, I have no krunking idea, and neither does anyone else. It seems ol' Lovecraft was having a bit of fun with the pronounciation of everyone's favorite Elder God. Well, either that, or he was a bit dilusional -- and judging from some of his works, I'd say that's the surest answer anyone can give.

 
Wondering what that dream meant?
Ask Thor
(Go on, tell me everything -- just leave out the naughty bits involving Jewel)
 
Now Playing
Nuth'in
(House guests really sap up the ol' gaming time, ya know?)
 
Like Old Crap?
Try the Archives
(Beware the Typoes)
 
Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?
The Hack Archive
Thor Antrim: Anime Style
(Edit me. It's fun.)
 
Quote of the Update:
"It's kind of like expecting King Arthur to beat up an M-1 Abrams."
- Brian on why robots shouldn't be battled with mere Gunblades
 
Bite sized Quickies
Any plans for updating the Hack archive?
- The Flaming Mog
Yeah. I plan on updating it as soon as I have a couple of free hours, which should be before March 6th, 2043. So, stay tuned until then!
I did the Dew. Nothing Happened. Did I do it wrong?
- Benbola
Yeah. You made quite a typo. It'll take poor Drew years to recover from this one.
 
Thor Stuff

Dig it: I was right about the Stray/Cait Sith thang. In FF6j, Stray was called Cait Sith. Useless info: Cait Sith comes from an Irish legend, and is is pronounced something like "kett shih" or "keet shee" or something like that, depending on which drunken, abusive leprechaun you ask.

Ya learn something new every day, don't ya?

- Thor "Kiss me, I'm Irish!" Antrim
Blarg: Soon making an appearance in a videogame near you. Look for it, babycakes.

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