Thor go Smash
I couldn't upload the column myself yesterday, and had to just send it to an RPGamer staff member. My finely tuned rut system thrown out of whack, I forgot to spell check/proofread the later half of the column. Joy!

In other news, I received more letters today than any other: 204. Well, give or take a few -- some flargg thought it'd be funny to send ten copies of the same letter.

Where's Woosley?
Greetings, Thor

I just want to know one simple thing. What ever happend to that guy that did the translation for FF VI? From what I've heard it was almost a perfect translated game, and then to try to read games like Xenogears and Final Fantasy tatics (especially FFT, good lord). is just horrific. Did that guy get fired or somethilng, because he really needs to come back and work for Square and do some decent translations. For some odd reason I dred the Translation of FF VIII.

- Slayer X4

Ted Woosley is now held captive by the folks at Crave. Recently he's been working on an 'FF7 done right' RPG titled Shadow Madness. Since this game was not only developed by Aericans (no need for the messy localization process) and the script was handled by Ted Woosley, expect a story the likes of which we haven't seen since Baulder's Gate for the PC. (In other words: Few typos, jokes that actually make you laugh, and a storyline you can understand without consulting the RPGamer message boards.)
What's with the questions about indistry types all of a sudden?
Hello oh, Thor...I just had a simple question, We all know Yoshitaka Amano designed art for FF1-6 and Kartia, but I was watching "Vampire Hunter D" and seen his name in the credits, do you know anything about this, and if he did designed for that movie, what other works did he do???

- Nick Anderson

Yes, Yoshitaka "lanky albinos rule" Amano did indeed do the character design for Vampire Hunter D. That's how Amano got started -- Anime. His past projects include G-Force, Time Bokan and the ultra-surreal Angel's Egg.
Thanks a bunch, Square.
(Final Fantasy 7 Spoiler Warning! (Try one, square. It's easy!))
Will they spoil main points of Final Fantasy VIII in commercials like they did in with Final Fantasy VII by showing Cloud laying Aeris to rest or when red XIII (who is asexual somehow) running at the end of the game with his kids?
It's unavoidable to spoil some of a game if the only thing you show is FMV. Since FMV details only major plot developments -- you won't catch anyone spending hours rendering Cloud cleaning dog poo off of his boots -- it's hard to show any without spoiling something. However, using a clip of Aeris sinking into the water, her eyes closed, with the text "A LOVE THAT CAN NEVER BE" flashing across the screen is a bit too much.

We can only hope Square will do the right thing and show FMV of cool explosions and whatnot, instead of anything which would give away who dies, who lives, and what happens at the end of Final Fantasy 8. Not that I expect to know what happens after completing the game, going by the current trend in RPGs, but it's the thought that counts.

The middle of the week: Correction city.
Further nitpicking ahead!

According to Next Generation's lexicon, a second party /publishes/ games exclusively for one platform. They don't create the games and have the console manufacturer publish them. For example, Square used to be a current second party publisher for Nintendo. :)

Okay. Fine. I give. That's what a second party publisher is. Ya happy? Oh, no, you're never happy. You want my coffee-rich blood, don't you? Why, you're nothing but a damned caffeine vampire! Guards, guards! Sieze him!
That quote thing
"It seems there are no tigermen around" is from Ogre Battle, when you try to use a Full Moon Stone with a full Party. Pretty stupid, if you ask me. Werewolves were better anyway. But the tigermen were purdy. ;D Anyhoo, that's where it's from.

- BRIAN!!!!! Professional Genius

Yes, that's it exactly. The prize this week is a picture of Richard Simmons and a boat filled with fat, levitating heads. Enjoy!
Sarcasm rules. (Yep. It sure does.)
Dear "Thor", if that's even your real name, you filthy racist! Using Mr. Thomas's insanely (*hint*) logical theory proposed in his letter, in which he refered to you as a racist and gave astounding (to say the least) proof that you, Mr. Antrim are a racist; I decided to compile a list of things in March 17's article that prove you are, indeed, a racist.
  1. "Welp, todays column turned out to be average length instead of short after all." ~Refering to RPGamer's readers as "Welps" is obviously racist. Making comments about their length is also blatantly racist.
  2. "Another fine example of a "perfect" question." ~This comment shows obvious ties to the KKK by showing that you believe in a "master" race of "perfect" questions.
  3. "A little bit of fluff located in the dwarf castle..." ~Refering to a mythical race of short people is totally make me ill Mr. Antrim.
  4. "Which is, sadly, a lot more than you can say for most of the game's music. " ~Cruely mocking a video game's music is racist...and you get +10 racist points because the man that composed said music was Japanese. *SHAME!*
  5. "Not as bad as Drew goose-stepping down RPGamer's halls in that damn Sailor Mars costume....." ~Making fun of people because of their sexual persuasion is racist.
  6. "Everything English sounds way more classy..." ~Racist
  7. "...pasty white skin glistening with sticky sweat.." ~ RaCiSt!!
  8. "..will more kids rush out and learn Hebrew instead of Japanese? Probably not.. ~SOOOO RACIST!!!
  9. "The moral of this story is.." ~HEY! hold on! Don't you dare try to force your sick, twisted morals on me you wacko neo-nazi, cookie-gobbling menace!!!
Thank goodness for peopole like Tom! Without his kind, the world might actually become a place of enlightenment and happiness, filled with understanding and love, all encompassed by a gentle aura of witty Antrim humor. God bless you're a true American (oops..I'm racist now) hero!

- Penance

That Penance, I tell ya.... what a no good racist.

I know this letter belongs with the rest of the 'Tommy' replies, but I thought it was funny enough to stand alone -- s'not like he was making valid arguments; rather he was making me bust a gut. Which is every bit as painful as it sounds.

Review the reviewers?
God of Electromagnetic Pulses of Light Energy:

I agree with your rant fully. Reviewers have to be more critical! Once I applied for a position as a game reviewer for the local newspaper. I told them I would allow the readers to know what games to avoid, and which ones were worth renting or buying. They denied my the position because they said I should "give all games a chance." Meaning that I should give high ratings to all games. Sheesh. (BTW... as I type, I'm reading the review of some other guy who got hired, and it gives super-high ratings to a game that sucks.)

The problem is not just that the reviewers get involved in games, but that high ratings look better. They make the reader "feel good," thereby making the reviews column more popular. People don't want to read a review claiming that they paid (or are planning to pay) $40 for a bad game. Sometimes, editors and reviewers alike sense this, and they appeal to the fans rather than inform the masses.

It sounds like your local newspaper cares more about keeping companies happy than review accuracy. Can you imagine if all movie reviews were positive? How about restaurant reviews? Say, I wonder if a restaurant reviewer spots some nasty health hazard, would he mention it, or would he, ahem, give the business a chance?

"Just eat around the rat..."

No offense, but I think you're missing the entire point of an RPG review. RPGs and the rest of the gaming world are two entirely separate entities, and certainly two separate "types" of people. Most people can play just about any game, but it seems to me that RPGamers only play RPGs...take me for instance. I rarely play anything BUT RPGs. I think that reviews are taken more from the perspective of someone who thoroughly enjoys the genre, rather than just any gamer. Most people stick to what they like, and the only people that really read RPG reviews are those of us who play them. The only reason FF7 attracted new gamers is because Square capitalized on the flashy eye candy. So, did BoF3 deserve an 8? In comparison to the other RPGs I've played in my lifetime, yes. Because RPGs focus mainly on story, and less on graphics, we can make a valid comparison to older games in the genre. When I read a review, I don't *want* a flat out rating of how the game looked, sounded and played -- I want to know how it made the reviewer feel, and what their overall feeling was of the game. We're just a bunch of right brainers, you know what I mean? :)

- Tadrith Skandrakae

My gripe was with professional reviews, not fan reviews. A fan reviews a game because he loves it. A professional reviews a game because that's his job. I've no way of knowing just how much of an impact good reviews make on game sales, but lets just say that if every publication gave a game all 9's, then people would be a lot more friendly to the idea of buying it. Now, if all RPGs were given good reviews, simply because of their genre and regardless of quality, there's not much motivation for developers to create outstanding games. Just pump out crappy RPG clones, reviewers will rave, and you'll make a bundle now that RPGs are hip. Sound good? Of course. And that's what I'm worried about.

You're right, though; text is just as, if not more important than the overall rating. My favorite site for reviews is TotalRPG. Not only do they give you a huge review, they fill it with tons of little factoids and did away with the "overall" review stat. Hot damn.

I'm gonna get it this weekend. I'm just so naughty!
Hey Thor,

Can you give me a picture of Drew in his(her?) Sailor Mars outfit? That would just make my day.

- Hawk Eye

Hell, no! That would be insulting and mocking a co-worker. I respect the RPGamer staff, and would never insult or mock a co-worker. Why, just the thought of insulting and mocking a co-worker makes my blood boil! Next letter, before I really get mad.
Uh. Eww.
Hey Sexypants,

You said that "Everything English sounds classy" today (3/17), citing your example of "arse" instead of "ass." Unfortunately, arse does *not* mean ass. Yes, I know the dictionary lists it as a vulgar British term meaning buttocks, but this is not a correct historical usage.

Hence the quote in Gibson's Braveheart, "He had thunder coming from his ass and lightning from his arse."

I don't want to be crude, so I'll just allude to it: if thunder comes from the ass, and lightning from the arse, which end do you suppose the arse is? :-)

Um. Eww.

Wait a minute, according to one of my trusty Elder Gods (a vile creature by the name of DkPhoenix -- nice guy once ya get to know him), the line is: "Kills men by the hundreds, and if he were here he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse." I'm afraid without the political might of Braveheart backing your claim, I just can't be sure.

Idiot, idiot, who's got the idiot?
"When took the position of Q&A Dude at RPGamer, I was given but two rules: Don't insult a company directly, and don't print a reader's letter just to bash him."
When took the position of Q&A Dude at RPGamer?
Yes, I forgot to type out the "I". Leaving out words is a common mistake, one which is hard to catch because it's so easy to "fill in" the missing words mentally at first glance. I doubt others had trouble, ahem, understanding the sentence.
"Therefore, instead of my original idea of replying with "You, sir, are an idiot", I will give a detailed explanation of why Tommy is incorrect, and leave it up to you guys to decide he's an idiot on your own."

"Unfit for Print? No. Silly? Yes."

"Then comes the first sign that Tommy isn't playing with a full deck:"

"The last bit of proof that Tommy was dropped more times than a hot potato during infancy" "I like to imagine him currled up in a ball on his floor, drool rolling down slack lips, pasty white skin glistening with sticky sweat, eyes clenched tight with pain, coughs wracking his frail body, blood seeping from... well, you get the idea."

"Not even Tommy could screw this one up."

Way to not bash the reader! You sure made a well thought out argument, that let's us decide for ourselves that Tommy is an sure didn't do something lame like throw in a bunch of unprofessional, inappropriate, and rude comments.

Tommy an idiot? I think not, you on the other hand better hope someday that you actually grow up.

Oh and I'm pretty sure currled isn't a word.

- Ash

My apologies, Ash. I figured most people would catch the sarcasm. I sure hope Mike doesn't read todays column, or I'm as good as fired!

Currled? Another mistake, not much of a big deal. I wrapped up the column at noon -- and I hadn't slept yet -- so there were bound to be a few errors. (Some people count sheep, I respond to letters from politically correct enforcers.)

I'd like to wrap this up by stating the obvious: Ash agrees with Tommy's letter. I repeat, Ash did not find anything wrong with Tommy's arguments. That is all.


The response you gave to the guy who complained was just plain awesome. Thanks for making me laugh.

- Michael

Darnit, Michael! Don't laugh in front of Ash, it will make him jealous. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a sense of humor, you know. You should be ashamed of yourself.... :D
The last, last, last on Sucky Sephiroth.
I'm probably not the only person to point this out, but the guy who claims that "Seraphim" is the correct term isn't correct. "Seraphim" is the (proper) plural form of seraph, just as Cherubim is the plural of cherub. The Seraphim would refer to the entire class of angel, not just a single one. Of course, I don't see what all the bother is about. I've given up trying to figure out some of the names in video games. How come no one has gone off on the "Bad Rap Sample" that Hojo conjures?
Er, wha?
Is it something that could kill Puff Daddy's career, or is it a mistranslation, or is it nonsense? And finally, to set this matter to rest, tell everyone to look in the Japanese FF7 FAQ that's on RPGamer. It translates the Japanese name of it to "Seraph Sephiroth". So, there it is. Mistranslation, plain and simple. No Hebrew involved.

- Kalrac

Thank you. Thank you for ending my misery. I love you, Kalrac. Marry me. I don't even care if you're male, I just want to repay you any way I can. Except sexually. Ya damn sicko.
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(No you don't. Geez, what a liar.)
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Err... Prozac cookie thing. Lore was there right from the beginning. As in "Lorelai say Thor no get cookies today. Thor sad." Which was on the 16th instead of the 18th as you specified. The day after was when the prozac was involved, in fact! You dunno your own column! ;D That's it, Drew. One of these days, I'll get my revenge! Oh, wait. I already did. How ya likin' that picture, eh bud? Mwahahah.
A couple of days ago you said that the FF movie would all be in Japanese. This goes against everything I've heard about the movie, what do you know that we don't? Actually, the movie itself will be first recorded in English. It was just the Japanese announcer talking over the demo of the Final Fantasy Movie in that file.
N64 or C64?
- Yakra
Dear Thor,

Teri Hatcher's a slut.
- Zach

Innie or outtie?
- Adoy
Innie, thank Cthulhu. Outties are disgusting.
How did you get Squaresoft to call Bart's strongest whip "Thor Whip"?
- Ghar Diann
More debauchery than your average trip to the white house.
Thor Stuff

Look for a one time super-special edition of Friday Thorsday Madness tomorrow. Be there or be Square.

Instead of typing here I am going to proofread the column.

Ok, done.


- Thor "King of Cavespeak" Antrim
Cavespeak is easy. Just talk like an indian in a bad western flick, or a caveman, and type all in caps.

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