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Thor Hack Archive

Another day, another load of kickarse letters. It's getting hard to decide what to print. Hey, how about we all bitch about Final Fantasy 7 to make things easier on ol' Thor? Please?

Anyways, today being Thursday Thorsday Madness and all, I've decided to do something just for fun: The Anime Thor Hack archive. I got the idea after so many of you wrote in complaining they couldn't find the original picture, so I figured I'd stick 'em all on one page. Not that I think the fad will last much longer. Or... will it? Mwahahaha.

"Catering to your SquareSoft fetish since 1995"

Ohhhhhhhh, Squall's necklace is soooooooooooo cool!!!!!!! Please tell me there's another way to get it other than through Square of Japan! How much does it cost?! I NEED IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!

-- me

Geez, buddy. Calm down. It's only a crappy hunk of pewter. National Console Support is going to offer some Final Fantasy 8 products. You can find a list of Final Fantasy goodies here.

Hey... isn't this a gameplay question?

Hello Thor,

You're going to have to tap your memory banks for this one. But remember that little town in Final Fantasy VII called Kalm? Remember in one of the houses with the old guy who's dog is locked in the closet (wait, that's another good question, why was that guy's dog locked in a closet)? Remember on the second floor there was a treasure chest and if you tried to open it Cloud would just say "It's locked." Well how do you unlock it? It's driving me insane! There are a million other chests that if you go up to Cloud doesn't say "It's locked." What's soooo special about the chest! Help!

-- Temjirim

That was the first test run of Square's new "Insanity System", a programming technique designed to inflict the same mental disorders the hero (in this case, Cloud) suffers from on the player. Other IS tests included Final Fantasy 7's ending, the disturbing Honeybee Inn sequence, and Yuffie. If you look closely, the chest doesn't even appear to be a polygon, it looks like a bit of pre-rendered background, meaning there is most likely no way to unlock it. This inevitably leads us to the question, "Why does Square hate us so?".

Oldies but goodies

In a recent issue of Nintendo Propaganda... er I mean Power, they said that many NES games are now going to be translated into GameBoy Color games, starting with Super Mario Bros. What NES RPG's do you think most deserve to be ported? (Keep in mind that Dragonquest/Warrior 1-3 have already been announced on RPGamer. (Why not 4?!))

My guess is that Dragon Warrior 4 was too big to "fit" in an NES game. I'm really not the technical type, but I know Dragon Warrior 4 was one of the largest NES games ever made. Maybe they can't physically jam all of the game into a tiny GameBoy cart. Or maybe I'm just an idiot for making public my insane theories of which I know nothing about.

Personally I'd like to see the NES FF2&3 ported, translated, and released in the US, but I think that there are only two chances of that. Slim and none, and slim just skipped town.

The games I'd like to see translated to GBC are Crystalis, The Legend of Zelda, and of course the Square classic Tom Sawyer.

PS-I'm glad you liked 'the somewhat cheesy but wonderful' Sting Thor I made! [See Thor Hack Archive -- Thor] I'm especially glad it didn't give you nightmares!

-- The Bad Guy

Quite the contrary! It made me realize my dream of becoming a professional wrestler. I've decided to quit RPGamer and head off to Granny Slam's Grapple Shack to train. Bye, guys!

Ok, I'm back. Yes, already. I'm in excruciating pain right now. Please don't breathe on me -- it'll hurt the exposed bone jutting through what is left of my right knee. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I'm just going to take a couple of aspirin and try not to bleed on the column.

Pre-rendered blues

What up, Thor-Dawg?

Okay, it seems to me that it is really not possible to do a good, maze-like dungeon in pre-rendered backgrounds, for a few simple reasons: First, you can only store a small pre-rendered image (Which is what the backgrounds are) in RAM, so to have a maze-like dungeon, you would have to either:

  • Constantly switch to new screens which would be confusing - This was Resident Evil 2s problem.(when I say confusing, I mean moreso than it should be, I should probably say - Mazes are supposed to be confusing, but not because the camera angle keeps changing.)
  • Zoom out so far that you cannot see your characters well. This was Final Fantasy VII's problem. When the view is so large, you gotta have those little pointers (Pressing select.)
In FFVIII (from the screeshots I have seen, at least) It appears that they zoomed the camera in somewhat, so now the characters are more prominent in the shots. I don't really have any more point to this, but I thought it might be nice to throw up a new topic of debate.

The camera angles switched to many vertigo-inducing views in Resident Evil 2 not because of poor design, but because of really, really good design. It's an old Horror movie trick: when things get dull, you start messing with the camera angles. Rent Evil Dead 2 and you'll notice that all the fancy camera work takes place when monsters aren't around -- this makes icky, boring, dull "plot" fun for us gore-hounds. (The first game in the Resident Evil genre, Alone in the Dark also made use of trick camera shots for mood.)

As for your second problem, well, that used to really bother me too. Then I took at look at Final Fantasy 6, and ya know what? The zoomed-out polygon figures in FF7 are rarely smaller than the tiny sprites in Final Fantasy 6! You just notice it more in FF7 because 90% of the time Cloud is a good inch or two tall.

PS: Does the rest of the RPGamer staff ever use the pick-up line "I know Thor Antrim!" to get girls?

-- VincentValintine

Heh heh, they sure do. They also yell "I know Thor Antrim!" to cut deals with the DA's office, strangely enough... but none of that matters, Vinny, 'cause no mater how much you butter me up, I'm not going to say your quotes are funny. (Inside joke alert: Right now, like 30 people are cracking up, and the rest of you are franticly hitting the "down" key.)

Quote/Correction

Hey Thor,

The quote comes from the exact moment when one of your friends saw the Anti-christ Superstar Ultimate Naughty Bad-Bad Icky Madness <thunder clash> hacked anime picture of you and just had to say something. So, do I get my sack of dead monkeys? I would settle for a sack of dead kittens, but monkey fur looks much better on a coat.

Haha, good one. You don't get any prize for that guess, but you did just make at least a few people grin. Isn't that thanks enough? :D

Oh and about the letter that Z-42 wrote to you about a hierarchy of needs. It wasn't Mendel's - he was the first person to examine genotypes and phenotypes with his famous pea-plant experiments. The hierarchy of needs comes from Abraham Maslow. Just wanted to share the knowledge. I don't expect this letter to be posted, but a response would be nice.

-- Chocoman

Ok. (What do you want me to say? He's correcting a friggin' name! I've got nothing to work with here, people. Nothing.)

I've made too many dream puns this week as it is.

Thor,

I started playing Azure Dreams quite a while ago, and after building all that I can in the village and getting all the girls to fall madly in love with me, I have only reached level 28 of the tower. The walkthrough either doesn't say for sure, or I'm not reading it thoroughly, but I believe the tower has 99 levels. Am I correct? Now, this seems quite an insane number, and I don't know if I should spend hours struggling my way up the remaining 71 levels of the tower, or just give up now.

Don't worry, there are only forty levels. Konami made it sound like there were a lot more, 'cause the levels change every time you play. Jyp!

There doesn't really seem to be any point to the game except to get the ultimate egg, and that is certainly not enough to motivate me. I don't know if you've played the game or not, but is it really worth it? Will I actually feel I've accomplished something upon finishing the game?

-- JeveA

Because you're a man (or at least I think you're a man from your sig), and real men finish their games! Why, when I was a boy, we won our RPGs seven times in a row. And we didn't even brag -- we couldn't! There were guys who had won theirs thirty or forty times in a row, and we were newbies compared to them. You're a loser, my friend. A disgrace. A failure as a gam... er... wait. I didn't finish many RPGs either. Nevermind. :D

Isn't Celebrity Deathmatch restricted to, um, celebrities?

I was thinking...

If you were to be on Celebrity Deathmatch in a 1v1, who would your opponent be? If it were a 2v2, who would your opponents and partner be?

-- EE

Me against Leonardo DiCaprio. No real reason, I just want to make him hurt.

As for tag team, me and Jay Boor Vs. Sushi-X and Bill Donohue. At first me and Jay would get our pansy asses kicked, mostly due to Sushi-X's martial arts knowhow and Bill Donahue's natural aptitude for Sumo wrestling. But this being a wacky-filled Celebrity Deathmatch and all, our fans would save the day, rushing in to beat the crap out of Sushi-X and Bill, then promptly chasing after me and Jay to make a funny "hack" of our faces. Ouch.

Sing along with Thor!
(Possible Final Fantasy 8 spoiler, though not likely.)

Thor-

After watching the FF8 intro movie ad nauseam (and after coming down with a 102 degree fever)... I began to pay close attention to the lyrics. "That sure sounds like Latin," I said to my fever-delirious self. So, while I was burning up and watching the walls melt, I decided to transcribe the lyrics as I thought I'd heard them.

(A Spoiler Warning might be a good idea, in case they turn out to mean anything crucial to the game plot..)

(Female chorus)
Vitus... luce (Strength... light)
Vitus... innoce (Strength... innocent?)
(repeated twice, first by the males, then males/females combined)

(Male/female chorus)
Vinciare osce sono
ieie... una exito

"Vinciare" is "to bind or restrain."

"Oscen" is a songbird, or more specifically, a bird which is said to bring omens with its cry. "Sono" is the dative form of "sonus," or "sound," so 'sono' would roughly mean 'with sound.' So, "Vinciare osce sono" could possibly mean "to restrain the sound of the songbird.." ?

"Una" means alone; "exito" means "I leave." But it can also mean "I perish." "Una exito" could mean "Alone, I perish.."

Anyway, the rest of the words I am too unsure about to write down. I checked 'Carmina Burana' for the words (the source of the lyrics to "One Winged Angel"), and didn't find them there. The whole 'bird of omens' theme seems to fit in with the Witch Edea's bird-like mask..

Any other linguists/obsessive people want to help out with the lyrics?

-- Zathras (Linguist and obsessive person)

Thanks, oh master Linguist. Good luck on breaking that possibly fatal fever. Well, how about it, guys? I barely know English let alone Latin, so I'm going to need some help from my readers for this one. :D

Self-centered T.T.M. letters

I am your number one fan, Thor! I love you! I worship you! You're awesome! I love you so much, you're my screen name! -- Thor Fan #1

Um, thanks, dude or dudette. But I gotta ask -- love? Love? That's it, I'm getting an unlisted number. And a guard dog. And a few glocks. And, hell, lets get Xena warrior princess in there. For security reasons only, I assure you. <grin>

***

Thor

I bet at least half of it is true..

Your name of Thor creates a quick, clever mind capable of grasping and assimilating new ideas. You are rather studious, mentally challenging each new idea before accepting it. Because you learn so quickly you have little patience with those whose mental processes are somewhat slower, and you could become supercilious or somewhat "know it all" in your attitude. This characteristic could make you rather unpopular with your associates. Although you are very knowledgeable and intelligent, you often find spontaneous verbal expression difficult. You crave friendship, understanding, love, and affection but your reserved manner appears forbidding to others. You can give expression to your personal thoughts and feelings most fluently through the written word. You have a sensitive nature--sensitive to your environment and particularly sensitive to how your deeper and more serious interests are regarded by others. Your feelings are very easily hurt and to protect yourself you withdraw within the realms of your own private thoughts and shut out the rest of the world. Moods, which are your worst enemy, result. Your sensitivity and lack of verbal expression frustrate and limit the satisfaction in life to be gained from your responsible and capable nature. Health problems arise due to worry and a sensitivity in the respiratory area which could lead to problems with the heart, lungs, or bronchial organs.

>From the ever realiable kabalarians

http://www.kabalarians.com/male/thor.htm

You know, I almost went or this. Over half of that stuff applied to me. But then again, it's all rather vague. I mean, who would deny being intelligent? So I went to the page and entered a random name. (Actually, it's the name of a guy I really detest, but I'll spare you my bitching.) And sure enough... it was the same report. See for yourself.

So much for that. :D

The following Quickies are unsutable for mature viewers.

According to Ari Rosenbach, at one point The UnOfficial SquareSoft Homepage boycotted Game Cave because they were distributing Kao Megura' FF7 walkthrough (as incentive to import the game from them) without Kao's permission. Weird. Way before my time, dude. // Some guy wrote: "Hey, Thor, you no that yu spelled 'seperated' incorectly in yestarday's Bowie/Edgar pick. Boy, wat knid of moron cen't spill separated?" The kind of moron who has just seen a rendition of his face pasted on a Spice Wench's body. In other words, a very scared and not at all sane moron. // Nšelle wrote: If it's 'Pikachu, I choose you!,' would the equivalent for the hacked picture that was on a few days ago be 'PokŽthor, I want you more!'?" Um. Yeah? Wait, I don't get it. Oh! Haha, it rhymes. I get it. Can I have some more prozac cookies now? // Thanks to everyone who wrote in with the url to The Opera House. (That FF7 lyrics site). // And finally, Bubble said: "Nice thighs, Thor ;D" Bite me. <grin>

Thor stuff

A shocking fact: I've not received one "Cut the animethor crap!" letter. A handfull of people warning me not to post my real picture, least my face be pasted on Fabio's body, sure. But no complaints. I figured ya'll would be sick of this by Tuesday... hehe.

I hope you guys 'n gals dig the hack archive. I have no idea how long it'll stay up (it would be rather pathetic to have the archive long after people stop creating hacks, ne?), but for now, enjoy. Some naysayers might say, "Nay! That has nothing to do with a questions and answers column! How absurd! How useless! How trivial!" Yeah, well, true. But then again, what do you call Now Playing? :D

- Thor "The name's Sexypants. Thor Sexypants." Antrim
Hey, what the hell are you looking at? You got a problem?

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