Screw 'boarding: Extreme column!
Today we've got a surge of Zelda 64 questions, some Drinking Game feedback,
and a little of this and that. Er, actually, that and this. My apologies.
Guess what day it is? That's right, Thursday! And, uh, just like last
week, I forgot. The same co-worker reminded me, too; I'm thinking
of strapping him to my wrist. He's more useful than my watch. Then
again... people might start to wonder.
| ||Zelda 64|
||Want to be 'in the know'?|
(He's tall. And he loves you.)
| ||See how many typoes you can count! The archives await.|
The case of the missing instruction booklet
Oh mighty Thundergod (Antrim, not Cid):
Do you think if I ask Square nicely, they will send me a copy of the Final
Fantasy VII instruction booklet to replace the one I lost? I read
somewhere that Nintendo sent out instruction booklets for NES games...
-- Phoenix Reborn
Most likely, no. (Nintendo did used to send out instruction booklets--they
sent me a few photocopies for some Little Leage game by SNK--but that was
a long time ago, back when Nintendo was king of the hill.)
I suggest asking nicely in the Final Fantasy/PSX message board if anyone'd donate
an instruction booklet.
Square is currently
too busy setting up a rock concert with Metallica to offer any consumer service
whatsoever. The concert, which will debut on Final Fantasy VIII's release date,
is titled "Rock the Industry". Featured songs will be "The bad seed", "Call
of Ktulu" and "Prelude". Hironobu Sakaguchi will sing backup, with his girlfriend
playing the tambourine.
(And if you believed that, you're more whacked than I am.)
Maybe Hojo had something to do with it... <shudder>
Okay in Zelda 64 (I like calling it Zelda TOOT, get it The Ocarina Of
Time........ god I need a life), most of the seven sages are non-human. So
how come in Link to the Past the decedents of the seven sages are all
(Little Zelda 64 spoiler)
Breeding with humans, I suppose... see Final Fantasy 7 and the Xanth
How can Saria even have kids?
And whats up with the Gerudo, there's
only one male born every 100 years? How does THAT work? Is the one man's
job just to knock up all the Gerudo until another male is born?
...and I thought my job was tough. Well, either that, or they breed
with humans, too. You know, I've just decided: I'm never looking for
a date in Hyrule.
Ask Thor stuff
Hey Norse hammer guy,
I've been wondering, how exactly do you choose which letters to
print and reply to? Do you sort them out by the validity of the subject
and the quality of the writing and wit? Or do you simply pick whatever
suits you at the moment, whatever catches your fancy, whatever you want to
respond to/praise/humiliate publicly? Or do you pick letters completely
randomly (e.g. random integer program, picking numbers out of a hat,
blindfold pick-and-choose, etc.)? Did you even notice how I ranked these
methods from what gave me the least to the most possibility of actually
getting a letter in?
First thing I do is read all the mail I receive, except doubles. Then I
copy my favorites (more on that later) to a folder called Good Stuff and
colorize 'em. Teal for Quickies, red for good questions, dark yellow if
they're a group of letters concerning the same debate, etc. Then I shamelessly
hit on any female unfortuneate enough to write to me.
As for just what makes a good letter... it really depends. I usually
print 90% of the short questions which I haven't covered before--as you can
see, I receive few. Then I pick a few highly opinionated letters, pick a few "freaky
as Hades" letters, and, of course, pick the Unfit for Print
example. That, my friend, is the only system I use. So, um, to make a long story
short... whatever catches my fancy. Betcha wish I had just said that at the begining,
eh? Heh heh.
"Is it just me, or is Cait Sith really hot?"
Is it just me or is Link's hair getting lighter in each new Zelda game
(or since the order is really backwards cronologically, are Link's
decendents getting darker hair)? I've attached a pic from Zelda 2 and
Welp, you're right. I wouldn't be too hard on Nintendo, though. Spontaneous
hair-color change isn't myth, it's happened to me! I've started growing a
goatee for a project (don't ask, you don't want to know) and by golly, it's
red. Now, I've been blonde all my life, and even started dying my hair red
with henna around a year ago, so this is really freaky. I'm not worried, though.
I mean, hey, now I don't have to buy any more henna. Score.
P.S. Is this e-mail the sort of crap that you have to wade through every
day? Man I wouldn't want your job.
And, um. No. It's not just you. I mean, you even included proof.
It's kind of amusing proof though--and I'm not even being sarcastic this time. The
proof literally amused me, so I went ahead and printed this. Look, guys.
Two pictures of Link. Ha ha. Ha. Fun. Can I have some pudding yet?
-- BeerGoggles_FromMARS Daniel Kaszor
Luckily, I receive few letters as crappy as yours. This isn't the crappiest,
though. Check Unfit for Print fer king crappy.
~Macho macho man~
If you're going to point out that "Vestal" means "virgin," it's only fair
you point out "Andrew" means "manly." ;)
He's right. Andrew Vestal means "manly virgin". (Some could argue both meanings--it
doesn't literally translate to manly virgin, but it's close enough.)
And ya know what? If there's ever been a more manly virgin than this, I've yet to see one. <blink>
Questions, spoilers and rants. Oh my.
First of all, is that Red XIII running down the canyon at the end of
FFVII? It seems to be, but that is impossible because he would already be
dead. When you first meet him, he is 48 and Bugenhagen tells you that is
about 15 in human years. So, 500 years later would be the human equivalent
of about 165 (548 / 48 * 15). HUMANS DO NOT LIVE TO 165 YEARS!!! Is it
just me or is something wrong with that?
Yeah, thats's Red XII in the ending sequence. It's pretty easy to tell... the tattoo on his arm, remember?
As for the mathmatics problem... oww. You have a good point, there.
I mean, some could argue that Red XIII isn't human, and therefor isn't
limited to the human life span--but why the human/cat age comparison, then?
If Red was mature when 15 in human years, then by golly he should be pretty, well,
dead when he hits 165.
about Chrono Trigger. Just for the record, the Entity who created the
Gates actually was Lavos. Remember how they mention that the Entity is
finally at rest after Lavos is destroyed? Lavos is incabable of commiting
suicide so it sets up events in order to have itself killed. Why? Well for
one its immortal and since it already drained the energy of the planet,
there is no way for it to leave again. .
Scary. One wonders why he didn't just call Kavorkian.
A final point on FFVII. The voice that speaks to Cloud from the beginning
of the game is Zack. Not Sephiroth, its first message to Cloud is "Watch
out!", something Sephiroth would never tell Cloud. And not Jenova, she
manipulates him later in a different way. Don't mistake the voice Cloud
hears when he is consious and the voice he hears when he is unconsious.
Zack can only speak to the consious Cloud briefly, but when Cloud is
unconsious they can hold entire conversations. I have many more points but
this letter is monsterous as it is.
-- Draygon (7th of the Dark Dragon Clan)
Now, I always figured it was Cloud's "Pre-Jenova" self giving him those
warnings, and asking him about his early years. Final Fantasy 7's storyline
is about as clear as a nine year old shower curtain, though, so don't take
my word for
At least I know how to spell my name
What the hell is a coffen? E and I aren't near each other on the keyboard,
and anyway, why would you ask for a coffin?
A "coffen" is when Thor edits main.html, interaction.html and archive.html
early in the day, but doesn't set the actual at2799.html title until it's
after 9am and he's very, very sleepy. I asked for a coffin because I'd
like to sleep forever, or at least until the Backstreet Boys craze blows
over. If you're still wondering, this fellow has a theory...
At the top of the main page of today's article (Wednesday), the title
read: 'Hey, where's my coffen?' Was this caused by your powerful
subconscious desire for coffee...?
Sadly, yes. Other typoes included "Final Fametasy 7", "Lufimmortality", and "Tifa Sexhart".
Making Final Fantasy 6 hurt--in a good way.
Hey Thor... I'm sure you are getting to know me by now! I am they guy who
keeps writing to you. Yes there are probably many people who do that, but
I am different. I don't quite know why, but for some reason I am. Anyway,
I wanted to respond to the letter written by Casey, the RPGirl who wrote
the letter "The Queen of Hardcore." I agree that any RPG can be more
challenging if you impose some restrictions on yourself. I also did
Casey's trick of beating FF6's World of Ruin and the game with only the
three characters you have to get. It was not easy, but it made the game
fun (in a different way). Check out the ending when you beat it with only
those three... it is screwed up. Edgar, Celes, and Setzer say all kinds of
different things because the usual interaction is not there. It's almost
like it's a different ending entirely.
(Lufia 2 spoilers... not. What the heck do you think?)
Regardless, I have a few other ways of making FF6 more difficult. Read
them if you feel like challenging yourself...
1> Complete the game teaching only natural magic users spells. In other
words, only Celes, Terra, and Strago can use Espers. In my personal
opinion, I preferred FF4's magic system where not everyone was a magic
God, and characters learned spells based on their levels. So, characters
like Sabin will be only Martial Artists, not magic users, Edgar will be a
kick-ass king (he always will be) who can only use his tools, etc, etc.
2> A variation of #1, don't equip ANYONE with Espers. That makes the game
even more difficult because you only get a few spells that characters
naturally learn. Also, not equiping any Espers means you miss out on the
3> While this is not all that difficult, it is a funny thing to do... turn
all your characters into Imps, equip them with the Imp gear (the spear,
armor, etc), and then go beat Kefka. Oh what humiliation for a Demi-God to
be defeated by green midgets!
4> This is also funny... when you fight Kefka, take only three party
members: Umaro, Gogo, and Gau. Since Umaro and Gogo are hidden charecters,
they have no lines at the end of the game. When your party members go up
to Kefka at the end of the game to discuss the meaning of life, morality,
and all that good stuff, Umaro and Gogo will be doing the talking. Now
that's funny! Plus, when Kefka askes you why you value life, Gau will only
say, "Me have my friends" or whatever he says. Then Kefka says his thing
about the self-help book, but only one person actually had anything to
say. In my opinion, if those three went to defeat Kefka, when they walk
in, instead of the usual routine, Kefka should just say, "Who the hell are
you?" That would be funny too.
Well, Thor, I thank you for reading this letter. I'm sure it is too long
to post, but I will somehow survive. Anyway, I will let you get back to
your daily routine of answering the mail. Keep up the good work, o mighty
As you can see, it wasn't too long. I don't mind one or two
lengthy letters per column, I just couldn't stomach reading more than
50 letters over 20k in one day... :D
P.S. Yes, I noticed that the 'u' and 'a' keys are quite far apart, so
maybe there really are a "Cload and company" as stated in yesterday's
letter? Hahaha... I bet that guy's version of the game is translated
incorrectly. After all, I have the version where Red makes mad babies even
though he is male, Cait-Sith puts the moves on Barret and Barret says,
"Daaamn, I don't swing dat way, maaan!", and Cload and Co find Chocobos
useful for more things than just transportation. Yeesh... I must have the
Sweet Jesus, that's not Final Fantasy 7, that's Final Fantasy XXX! Yes,
folks, Final Fantasy XXX is a direct sequel to Final Fantasy 7!
Now you can finally discover what happened to the Turks, if Barret really
was Mr. T or not, and even learn a thing or two during the twenty minute
"Cloud and Tifa: The Honeymoon" sequence.
This quote is from lufia 2. It is said by Lemmy the little girl in
Percelyte when two boys throw a fake snake at her to scare her. Selan
then 'rescues' her from the fake snake. this is also the first time you
-- Ranklchick the Ghoul from Europa
Correct-a-mundo! Enjoy this fine wallet made from actual dead monkey leather.
This is, I fear, the last of my dead monkeys, and I will be forced to think
of new gifts for my faithful fans. Any ideas, faithful fans?
Help, I think I'm being seduced!
Dear Sexypants (3), mighty god (3) of thunder (3),
Well, talk about disillusioned! I was all set to propose to you. I mean,
you're tall (or so you say), you're knowledgable about RPGs, you're pretty
damn clever, and, best of all, you have a cat! And, being a typical girl,
RP or otherwise, I love cats! But then you had to go and ruin all my
fun... The Vampire: the Masquerade I can forgive, but you... you don't
like chocolate chip cookies!? sob...sob... Now I know it can never be...
Well, I'm willing to make an exception now and th--hey! What's wrong
with Vampire: The Masquerade? Babe, forget it: I won't go with anyone
who refuses to dress all in black, grow her hair long and talk about
*sigh* Oh, and by the way: I'm officially gripng about FF7 (1 for the
gripe, 2 for the typo).
<sip> <swig> ...hey, are you trying to get me intoxicated
And why is the latest Working Designs game being
delayed? (big swig). Maybe you should print this with a serious reply so
everyone can get drunk too and get the extra 3 drinks. OK, I'm just
funnin' ya, you don't have to post this... I just couldn't resist!
Naw, I decided to post it. I'll even tell you why: 1) It's Thursday Thorsday
Madness, my ego is driving the car that is me. 2) The drunker my fans
are, the funnier I am. Hey, if it works for comedy clubs, it'll
work for RPGamer, heh heh.
Langrisser. (Not all the topics can be funny, wiseguy.)
Thor, I was very recently introduced to a Anime-styled Strategy/RPG series
that goes by the name o' Langrisser, and I loved what I saw. It had
gameplay similar to that of the old Shining Force games (which I loved!)
and it looked great! The only problem is that what I saw was in Japenese
and I can't speak, and more importanly read, a lick of it. The person who
introduced it to me knows very little about the series himself and I've
had trouble finding info on it. So I was wondering if you, or anyone else
out there in RPGamer land, had any info they could share with me on the
subject, and if there is or will be a English version of them. I would be
-- The BigYoJumbo
Langrisser is a strategy game for the Mega Drive, made by NCS/Masaya and
translated to English by Treco. The US version was named "Warsong", and was quite
popular with die-hard fans of strategy who owned Sega Genesises.
Both of them. The series continued--sadly with
no further US releases. It's thriving in Japan, however.
A total of 16 (!) Langrisser games have been released in Japan on
various platforms, even though there are actually but five games in
the Langrisser series. Want to know the secret to good business?
Remixes. Heh heh.
I almost miss the funny nicknames. Almost.
Dear, Thor Antrim
I looked at RPGamer's games list today and was shocked when I did'nt see
Hybrid Heaven on the list, did they find out it was not an RPG or did they
decide not to make a US release, or did lavos destroy it when he bombarded
RPGamer? By the way it's an N64 RPG(Supposedly?), that was supposed to be
released on 3/02/99 in the US, in case you did'nt know already!
-- Joseph Witham, The "Cat loving RPGamer"
All of the above. Actually, according to Konami... it's not really anything.
All they're saying is it'll be released in April. There's no telling if
it's an action game with RPG elements (Castlevania: SotN) or heavily
modified csRPG yet, so I guess we'll have to wait for Konami to fess up
before you see anything on RPGamer--or not.
And speaking of Final Fantasy 7...
Okay okay you've probobly heard alotta junk about this...and the JENOVA
injection theory is no longer a theory BECAUSE: 1.If you remember if you
put Vinny in charge of a party at the end he said,"...[Sephiroth] now it's
your time to sleep between the ages..."! & 2.Remember the confusing
Lucrecia scene? Well if you remember Lucrecia said something about those
injected with JENOVA cells not being able to die easily! So that explains
Vincent's secret to youth! And for twenty nine ninety nine you two can be
Allrighty then. Hopefully, this'll
wrap up the *ahem* cough-en debate. (That's one drink, woo!)
Self-absorbed Thursday Thorsday Madness question
Hi RPgu - sorry 'bout that. Heh heh. Aaaaaaaaaanyways, here are
questions for the all mighty Thormeister
1.) Do you have a webpage? If not, why not put one up (you can use
RPGamer's server even. heh heh. Free Webspace. Make someone else pay for
it. : ) )
I do. It's down right now (long story; pepper sucks) but it'll be back
in a few. I'm debating whether or not I should give out the URL. On
one hand, it'd be sleezily using my job as a way to promote my private
homepage. On another, everyone would be able to "embrace the funny"
and get a taste of the real Thor... which, admitedly, no one in their
right mind would want.
2.) What do you think of "Thormeister"? I think it's a better name for
It's a good name, but people might get me mixed up with the Gamefan guy.
3.) I think fake letters would kick ass. They'd make the column funnier.
Yeah, but they'd take space away from the real letters, which would
pi--er, tick everyone off.
4.) What sparked your love for that wrestling stuff (WWF, WCW, NWO,
My father. He never watched any sports--hated 'em--but he did like
to watch wrestling, with the sound turned down to avoid the lame
announcers. (I thought he was insane... then. Now, I agree. Tony
Schivani bites. "Best Nitro Ever!" my fat senile Granny.)
I watched wrestling on and off up until around '91.
Then, last July, I rediscovered my fondness for violent men in tights,
and I've been a fan ever since.
5.) Do you prefer WCW or NWO (you can't say WWF)?
WCW. I'd like NWO better (they have cooler guys, all they
need is Giant, DDP, Jericho and Goldberg), but they're too
into boring Hogan-esque tactics. Like, um, spraypainting.
Hulk, Hollywood, whatever you want to call yourself: Gangs
don't do that anymore. Now, they kill each other. Live
life out of the 80s, dude.
6.) Why Mist? Can't we be from, like, Midgar? That place is like a giant
(This is in response to that old letter about the difference between sexes)
Well, I was about to use Midgar, but the book title is "Men are from Mars",
and Mars is only one syllable, so...
7.) What criteria does a letter need to have to getposted by you?
See above. No, not my last answer. Like, five questions up.
8.) I'll shut up now.
-- Mike Dore
Thus ends Thursday Thorsday Madness. Ok, so it wasn't very mad. Next
week, I'll have something positively delicious.
Unfit for Print
DEAR THOR(I DON'T WANT TO MENTION THUNDER GOD OR ANYTHING CAUSE YOUR EGO
HAS BEEN BOOSTED ENOUGH ALREADY)
WHEW THAT INTRO WAS LONG ANYWAYS I'M A FIRST TIME CALLER LONG TIME
LISTENER. I WAS REALLY BORED AND STARTED THINKING BOUT YOUR BATTLE
SYSTEM WHERE IT'S JUST A GIANT BATTLE FRENZY. LET'S JUST ASSUME IT'S
GOING TO BE A PSX GAME BECAUSE NINTENDO...WELL YOU KNOW NINTENDO. I THINK
THAT IF THE GAME HAD TO USE A HAD TO BE USED WITH A CONTROLLER WITH THE
OPTION TO DO BUTTON PROGRAMMING (LIKE THE NEW BARRACUDAS) YOU COULD DO IT
WITHOUT MENUS. JUST HAVE EACH CHARACTER HAVE AN ATTACK BAR, LIKE FF3 OR
FF6 WHATEVER, AND EACH TIME THE BAR FILLED YOU HAD TO PAUSE AND PROGRAM IN
THE ATTACK. SAY THE PARTY CONSISTS OF 4 MEMBERS HAVE EACH R AND L BUTTONS
BE A MEMBER. THEN YOU PRESS THE CHARACTERS CORRESPONDING BUTTON AND START
YOUR ATTACK. NOW ATTACKS WOULD BE SOMETHING LIKE X IS NORMAL ATTACKS, OR
WHATEVER ATTACK STYLE YOU WANT, SQUARE IS SPELLS, TRIANGLE IS ITEM, O IS
DEFEND, AND SELECT IS RUN AWAY. OKAY SO HOW DO YOU HANDLE DIFFERENT
SPELLS AND ITEMS YOU MIGHT ASK, WHICH I KNOW I'D BE DOING THEN AGAIN YOU
MIGHT NOT IN THAT CASE WHY ARE YOU READING THIS? EACH SPELL COULD HAVE A
SPECIAL BUTTON COMBINATION LIKE XENOGEARS DEATHBLOWS. THIS WOULD BE THE
SAME WITH ITEMS, BUT IT COULD GET MIGHTY CONFUSHEATING SO THE GAME COULD
COME WITH LIKE A SOURCE CARD WITH EVERYTHING. OR THE PERSON PLAYING HAS
TO MEMORIZE THE BUTTON COMBOS OR RIGHT THEM DOWN WHICH WOULD PROBABLY
REALLY SUCK. AND THE GAME COULD SHOW ON THE SCREEN(WHERE ELSE WOULD SHOW
THEM DUH) WHAT BUTTONS YOU PRESS WHILST PROGRAMMING ALSO WHICH IS LIKE
I DON'T KNOW IF I LEFT ANYTHING OUT OR NOT I GOT THIS FEELING I
DID THOUGH. THAT'S IT IF YOU LIKE IT THANKS IF NOT lay off!! ITS THE BEST
I COULD THINK OF!
ps IF THEY MADE A GAME LIKE YOU THOUGHT OF IT'D BE HELLA BUFF DUDE:)
NOT ALWAYS BUT MOST OF THE TIME
The truly sad thing is that some sites print letters like this. I, on the
other hand, just post them as a warning. It's called capslock. Press it.
Once. Is the little light off? Good. Now, step away from the keyboard with
your hands behind your neck...
Please, enjoy my Quickies
Kudeita told me to search the net for his old Final Fantasy Chess game,
and that's just what I did. Here's a copy for
your reading pleasure.
Stifu screamed: "Oh my god!
What is sephiroth doing in Super Punch out... eek... crossdressed and
under false name (Heike Kagero) and all" Well, um. No comment?
I looked around for a screen shot but could find one. Anyone
want to help with yet another "lookalike" picture on
Ask Thor? :D
An unnamed RPGamer asks: "How is FF4 and 5 for Psx any different for Snes?
Is it just the start and ending FMV are added with the same graphics?"
Yes. Well, that and a different script. See, FF2us and FF3us were
heavily edited. So FF4/5j have a semi-different plot than what we've
seen. The PSX versions of FF4j and FF5j are the same as the Super
Famicom games, excluding FMV intro and ending, of course.
Michelle wondered said"
I know this sounds stupid but you can get addicted to coffee, right?
So you would be able to get addicted to Mountain Dew or other caffeine
drinks right?" Yes, you could. Lucky for me, I'm not addicted to
coffee, just love. (See what I mean? Shameless.)
And finally, another unnamed RPGamer said: "Your pinmanship is sloppy, just like
a doctor's." That's true. But my hands are also soft, cool and knowing, also
like a doct... oh, wait, you're a Dude. Nevermind.
Other Ask Thor Drinking Game ideas include:
I really, really want a mod of the Fire Temple music. The only problem is that blasted
chanting... I guess some poor tracker would have to record a sample off the game,
or something. Sounds terribly difficult. Oh well, I guess I can just leave the
N64 running while I write Ask Thor. Unless "Terrriiii Haaaatcher, Terriiiii Haaatcher"
gets too distracting, of course.
- Three drinks every time Thor talks about how terrible his typing [Spelling?] skills are.
- Three drinks every time Thor talks about how tall he is.
- Two swigs everytime someone mentions the word "RPGirl"
- One sip everytime a girl makes a pass at Thor
- And finally, a case of booze for Thor should a guy ever make a pass at him. He'll need it.
- Thor "The Emperor of Ice-Cream" Antrim
If you can read this you're standing too close to the screen.