Ask Andrew - no, not him, the other one  

   Aye, The Hotpants!   

Andrew - July 27 '03- 22:06 Eastern Standard Time

Arrrgh, maties! Nary a warning light to be seen... 'tis clear sailin' ahead for us and our precious cargo.

All right, so I don't actually own any hotpants, nor do I possess the means to ship them, but if I was to be an importer / exporter or incompetent pirate, hotpants would sure beat a lot of other things, like olives or angry squid or both. I mean, think about that for a minute - the angry squid would get even angrier when they find themselves unable to get at the sweet sweet olives, and that would make bilge water look like the finest honey, to say nothing of the deadly ink attacks.

So anyway, I would introduce myself, but that would take up precious space that could be better used going on at tedious length about angry squid. I'll be here today and tomorrow, at any rate, and for those of you who think Heath is just too dreamy, which is a lot of you, apparently, he'll be along tomorrow as well so you can send us another million letters because I like answering letters, especially if they allow me to bask in the glow of reflected glory. That is, after all, the sweetest kind!

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An obligatory squid attack

Hello Q&A guys, but I'm multitasking with three rpgs right now, And was wondering if you could help me out a little bit.

I would, but your answers can be easily obtained from FAQs and I'm multitasking between these questions and checking to see if there's anyone to play Warcraft with. Still, I'm not entirely heartless, so I'll entrust you to the strangely sensuous tentacles of... an angry squid!

First of all, I'm beating FFVII right now, and was wondering how the hell I get the gold chocobo. Help!

Angry Squid:

Second, I'm beating FFIX, in which I am having trouble finding the ocean chocograph. These things drive me insane...

Angry Squid:
I demand olives, pitiful human! All will bow before the Squid King!

Third, I just want an opinion question. I'm worried about Xenosaga Ep. V. Do you think they'll keep the old anime cuts? Or just make everything CG? Stupid question, but seeing what they are trying to do to Ep. 2, hell, they might make 4 more episodes than the 6 in the series just b/c they think they can get away with it.
That's all, thanx for your help, if you can help me, I am pretty hopeless.


Opinion I can do. Something tells me that by the time Episode V rolls around, those cutscenes are going to look pretty terrible by comparison. This isn't to say that they're bad or anything - Xenogears remains one of the best games on the PSX, if not entirely for its looks - but if Episode V even manages to catch the PlayStation 3, it'll likely be in the latter stages of that console's life, so by then you can expect markedly better video technology at Monochrome Squirrel's hands. I'd say, then, that you'll either see the uhh... soulless... CG sequences (you know, just because something isn't hand-drawn it doesn't instantly qualify as the devil in artistic disguise) or maybe, just maybe, they'll stick to the spirit of the original game and redo the cutscenes so that they look even better. Either way, if you want my guess, it's that the original cutscenes will be available, at most, as an extra.

And give 'em some credit... Just because they've gone pretentious with the titles and promised six of them, it doesn't mean that the games will suddenly become mush. The warning sign will be when TSR or Wizards of the Coast starts churning out terrible Xenosaga novels - and even that's no guarantee. George Lucas has promised to stop inflicting Star Warses on us, and there's only six of those. Well, at least until he decides another billion dollars might buy something yummy - despite what Jabba might say, you can never have enough chins, and with a billion dollars you could probably buy a bonus stomach of some description.

Don't make me get squid on your ass...

So umm..... I have been seeing this Final Fantasy XI thing everywhere and it sounds kool but........ I dotn know anything about it like. When its comin out or what its gona cost. soooo tell me what ya know.


This sounds like a job for... an Angry Squid! No, wait. Even angry squids have better things to do. For you, my friend, I recommend Typing Shark, or whatever that crappy flash game is called over at that crappy site that hawks flash games that give the suggestion of progress but in actuality are just a little demo version of what videogame hell might reasonably be expected to feel like. Yeah, go over to that site, and learn how to type. Then maybe I can answer your letter without that stronge urge it spawns in me to develop weapons of mass destruction with which to demolish AOL HQ and maybe implicate Saddam in the bargain.

Also, when you say kool, you not only remind me of terrible cigarette ads in back issues of OMNI, you also make me think of the silicon fairies that died for your computer only to see you violate their corpses with such painful aolspEaK. For shame! Also, omg a/s/l, lolz I <3 ur ltr!

And now, for something completely different

I've read this site's (and others') articles on Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles for the Gamecube, but I still can't seem to get a straight answer. Does one need a Game Boy Advance in order to play the game, or can I just use the regular Gamecube controller? And are multiple players required, or can I play by myself (as I have no friends)?


Take heart, my friendless friend - no Game Boy Advance required. That is, until you get some friends. Then they come in handy for the various nifty features described here, which are actually just one feature - but who markets features as one feature anyway? I mean, at the very least you throw in something impressive-sounding like "Timeless story" or "cutting-edge graphics" or "HELLO MY NAME IS THABO MBENDUKAN AND I HAVE $45 MILLION TO GIVE YOU" or else you run the risk of looking stupid, or at least having a very blank case.

So yeah. Single player mode is strictly a GC-controller affair.

Suckoden? Perhaps if this was the six o'clock news for idiots

To the girl who desperately wants Suikogaiden in English:

1. It's not worth it; they're not that great and the plot, which follows Nash, is rather uninteresting and mostly an excuse to make the player go "HEY I REMEMBER THAT PERSON FROM SUIKODEN 2! COOL!" before said character runs off screen.

Thanks for sharing, Lutesy.

2. If you really need one in English, though, just go and look up their complete summary of both episodes. If she somehow can't find them:

Volume 1:

Volume 2:

Trust me, the summaries are more than enough of that game for even an avid fan.

- Lutesy McLute

Interesting fact: I never close <p> tags except when tightass templates do it for me. Oh, right. Suikogaiden. Sad business, that.

More Pirates, sadly

Castomel *gong sounds in the distance*,

o.O I hate to break in here, but at first glance that looked like *goog sounds in the distance* so you'll forgive me if I was imagining what that might be like on the ears rather than paying attention to the very serious business of replying to your letter >.>

1. Have you seen Pirates of the Carribean? Critics in my country seem to give it a thumbs up, and it looks like some of the staff like it too, if only for Johnny Depp. So, what do you think?

Johnny Depp you say? I just like pirates in general. This one night when me and my friends were differently sobered, we were watching TV and stuff about pirates kept coming on, including what was hands down the worst cartoon I've ever seen. On this realistic animated gem, the pirates were equal opportunity employers that even didn't call their wenches "wenches" and carried on meaningful and mutually profitable discourse with the native inhabitants of the magical islands they visited, as opposed to filling them full of holes and other interesting fatal injuries. I know it's just a kid's show, but if studying history indifferently over the past few years has taught me anything, it's that pirates are jerks. Cool jerks, though, and you can't go wrong with an eyepatch.

So anyway, following the pirate cartoon, which followed some other show about pirates raiding the Carolinas in a primitive submarine and stealing the peoples' moon money, there was this shark documentary on. Because if there's another thing that studying history has taught me, it's that I can claim that pirates kept sharks as pets and even have people believe me for about three seconds before they punch me in the face and call me a drunk.

And uh... I haven't seen the movie yet, so shut up, shut up!

2. Since I'm at it, and someone's bound to ask anyway, what's you favorite RPG? =)

Final Fantasy VI, although I think Chrono Trigger was the best RPG ever. Doesn't anybody read my insightful, incisive and invaluable reviews? No? Well I'd like to see YOU come up with three words that start with"in". Hell, I even make them up! You'll never beat me, it's inpossible (which I INcidentally define as the state approaching impossibility, which is odd considering I failed calculus miserably, but does manage to take into account the diminishing likelihood that you are l33t3r than me as I approach super-greatness).

3. As the head of news, do you have anything about the supposedly non-existent localization of Tales of Destiny 2? My local game store recently showed the Japanese version of it, and it looked like a game we shouldn't miss. That, and I'm a big fan of the Tales series!

Yeah... About that. As far as "heads of news" go, I'm in the shallow end when it comes to swimming pool of diligence. I can, however, come up with really stupid metaphors, so I get to keep my job by comparing crap to various, other, unexpected crap. Apparently it's funny one time out of every fifteen!

4. Pardon me for asking but.... When's the next likelihood for an opening in the news department? =)

== MeoTwister5 Gabe "The shower won't work again!" Ang

Oh yeah. I'm also really good at hiring people in unexpected ways, which usually count as an abuse of authority in some way. To that end, seeing as how I'm about to lose a couple of my writers, take that media application you sent in, scratch out all the media-related questions, and insert, at question 6:

6. Has anything you've written ever been published?

And at some other question:

SOQ: How many gaming websites do you visit daily? Please list them.

Then write me three sample news stories, like, say...

  • S-E announces Final Fantasy III for GBA
  • Banpresto Retires Super Robot Taisen series
  • Sega Re-Enters console market.

Then send the whole mess to me and if your stories are any good, I'll give you an interview. Finally, under no circumstances should anyone send me letters tomorrow about any of the above items. They're fake, dammit, and I made them up off the top of my head. This should give you some idea as to why they're all terribly implausible - I was looking for stuff that won't happen, or at least, not anytime soon. Except for the first one. It better, or else I'll have to import a WSC, and that would just be silly.

Where it all falls apart

How dare they cut my letter for length, the insanity. They should be slapped around, all of them, including Duffy, even though he had nothing to do with it. This is a disgrace, an insult to all free people with like minds as I. I want justice, I want impunity. I want beer. Just joking.

Snip! Just joking. Actually, that'd prolly be my fault. Paul and Zak were hard at work coming up with some ribaldry in response to your missive when I came onto IRC and I was all like "yo, ma homies... what's the dizz-eal with this Q&A shizzle, yo?" And they were all like "Yo, we have this MAD long letter bro," and I was like "Well yo, I need letters for tomorrow, you know what I'm saying? So get this shiznit the hell up, eh!" And they were just blown away by my stunning force of personality or at least the fact that I kept whining for three hours straight, so they finally gave up and used the staff cactus to bludgeon your letter to a more manageable size. Oh ,yeah. That was the exchange, word-for-word. Except for the eh. What kind of crazy person says "eh," eh?

Have you heard of Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic. That is a mighty fine game. To bad it's for X-box, I can't wait to play it. It looks so...sweet.

My thumb's on a Tetris keyring, moving with brilliant timing, and you pick up the phone, and I'm imagining..crack! crack! You're on.. crack! The Xbox is bad because Microsoft is evil and if I had one I would install Linux on it just to be cool. Man... That was a pretty good justification for writing them there song lyrics out, if I do say so myself. And I do say so myself.

Also, thanks to them cutting off my letter, the free people of middle earth didn't get to see who was cooler, Sean Connery, or Harrison Ford. Well the answer is Sean Connery, duh.

Yeah, Harrison kind of lost it after he married Anorexia McBeal and decided none of his good performances were any good, and the only thing worth doing was dying his hair blond and getting a disturbing earring in an effort to grasp at the fleeting vestiges of his youth. Still, I guess it's more dignified than excessive plastic surgery, which still doesn't gain him any points thanks to Air Force One and that horrible scene where he talks with his face mashed against a luggage compartment.

Warcraft 3 expansion is out, that is going to rock. Have you played Warcraft 3? I guess it wasn't really an RPG, but it was one of those games that RPGamers like to play. I recommend that game indeed, as I recommend Dungeon Siege, and if you have a good computer, Battlefield 1942.

Played Warcraft 3? Let me just tell you something about Warcraft 3. Because of Warcraft 3, I'm .02 of a point off of academic probation. I guess it's less lame than my uncle's bridge addiction that got him thrown out of first year, but only barely.

Oh, and Future has the worst games list ever. They are missing over half the games made, and the games they do have are most of the time in the wrong category. Sigh, the should perhaps get someone who plays games to do the games part of the site, it would just make sense.

If this surprises you in any way, I'm afraid we're going to have to ask you to leave the country. It does nothing for my haughty sense of Canadian SuperiorityŠ when my countrymen go to Future Shop expecting comprehensive games coverage. It's like... going to Leon's to buy a computer. Which a distressing number of people do. And to the people from the 49 states who have no idea what I'm talking about (we had stores in Arizona for a while!): you're not missing much ^_^ Incidentally, I'd fear unholy retribution from my company on the whole harshing the crappy computers bit, but fortunately, my boss saw Final Fantasy VII lying on a desk and thought it was a porno CD, so I doubt this interweb thing has entered his repertoire just yet.

Here's a question. Why do so many people like FFVI. I wish I knew, but I found it rather...Lacklustre. Sure Celes and Locke were cool. Sabin was even better. But The main character sucked, and the game was so boring, I still haven't finished it. Not that I'm saying it's all that bad, cause I haven't finished many games. But still, I certainly wouldn't say it's the best. In my opinion, the best FFs are FFVII, FFIV and FFIX. FFX was good too, thanks to it's sweet battle system. Though I haven't beaten it yet... :(

From WingcommanderIV

The Price of Freedom is Eternal Vigilance.

Seven, four, and nine. You're lucky you threw seven in there, because if you hadn't I would be forced to hunt you down and make you part of the commemorative stadium I plan to build once I get enough money to buy San Diego.

I guess what I'm saying is, VI is my favorite RPG of all time and I hate you. It's small and it's petty and the sail is made of scabs, but I have to make do with what I can, since I'm out of good pirate references and I haven't even heard from my angry squid in three whole letters.

Angry Squid:
Yaaaaaaaaouch! Seafood Soup!

Oh, come on. Everyone knows that was an octopus, and besides, you mixed it up. Or got it wrong. Or maybe you didn't. But still, you're a squid, and I'm the president of the United States. Now get off my plane!

Sweet, a place to laugh at that freedom = vigilance B.S: HAAAH-ha! Oh, there's also a letter below




The game of the future is this really cool one where you don't hold down capslock while you type. It's called "Typing Shark". If on the other hand you enjoy sounding like you're a beet-faced old farmer squawking at his pigs, I suppose you could go for "Russian Roulette" or Xenosaga in case you don't lose the first one.

I'll show you a story that grabs you... Wait, that sounded all wrong

Hey Everyone,

I am just curious if I'm the only one NOT looking forward to "Final Fantasy Tactics: Advanced?" Aside from the fact that I won't be able to play it, lacking a GBA, the story itself doesn't seem to grab me. Although I loved the highly customizable characters, the major selling point for me was the fantastic, if not at a few points confusing, storyline. The story, from what I've seen so far, a magical booking changing my world into a fantasy world, just doesn't grab me like the original one. Plus, the idea of battle judges punishing my party for using certain moves urks me. So am I the only one?

No, I'm sure there's some other person out there. If nothing else, you can always count on that one guy who's so cool he farts ice cubes that just can't like a game if anyone else does. This is the person that will claim that Final Fantasy IIj is objectively the best Final Fantasy or that Beyond the Beyond had compelling gameplay that nobody else can see. I'm not suggesting you are this person, of course, but if you happen to see him while you're off sulking in the corner as the rest of the world joys over FFTA, be sure to crack him a good one in the side of the face.

Also, the story in FFT was okay, I guess, but just because you can't understand something thanks to the worst translation ever attempted doesn't mean it's good. Xenogears did the whole Evil Church dealie much better, from what I've heard, and it had the added advantage of characters with noses, meaningful dialogue, and madd skillz.

Oh! One last thing, can I shamelessly plug my website at ? Thanks.

General Janik

Yes, yes you can. However, because I am lazy and this letter came in just as I was about to up this column, I refuse to link it. Also, I am a big jerk.


Hey Andrew,

What's with you and procrastination being such good bedfellows lately?


P.S. Should I give Rhapsody a try?

I don't know what you're talking about... It's not MY fault that this column is going up with 2 hours left in the day (and that's Pacific Time). As for Rhapsody... I think we both know I'm looking for an excuse, any excuse, to whore my review so I'm afraid I can't answer that question here.

Hi. has the game listed as being released on October 7, 2003. -Steve

You just can't make this stuff up! Oh, wait... It had a title. Well, since I haven't written a news article in... oh, well before your time, I'll just tell the world here: RPGMaker 2 is coming out on October 7, 2003. Huzzah!

Caramel? I don't talk to caramel.

You're right... It wasn't funny.

I'm gonna ask the question that everyone at RPGamer has so far been afraid to answer!!!!

Is everyone on staff getting enough fiber in their diet?

Considering my strict diet of Burger King and McDonald's, I know I'm not.

The Expos suck. Get a new hat. - Love Scar

I don't see why you hate my hat so much. I mean, I could have worn it like this or this or even this. Think how embarrassing THAT would have been for you (I suppose you're thinking I should be the one to be embarrassed, but I like my hat.)

The Final Grumble:

Man... Scar has been after me about my hat ever since he saw it. I mean, seriously, is it that bad a hat? Also, while you're mulling that one over, I invite anyone who works at game stores or in gaming-related fields to send in stories about evil customers, since I know everyone loves bitching about the stupid people who think someone making less than ten dollars an hour is likely to care about their struggles to interact with human beings without shouting incoherently. Also, remember: Heath will be along, so anyone with questions for my soon-to-be wayward sidekick should send them post-haste. And with that, I think I'll go do something else now.

Yes, I sure am lousy at this conclusion business...

Andrew "My Hat Owns" Long

Oho... bet you were expecting hidden text, eh?

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