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Andrew - November 24 '02- 2:00 Central Standard Time

Contest details at the end of the column, in the meantime, let's all bask in the nervous glory that is Sunday with a batch of non-so-fresh letters.

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Love Story 1.

Okay you wanted a "love" story that happened because of an RPG. Well I've got one if you're willing to stretch your thinking of an RPG to include a game called Perfect Dark for the N64. You can become a higher ranked agent and earn medals, titles and such. Just say it's RPGish in nature but damn sure not a full blown RPG. Anyway...
So my friend and I had been playing Perfect Dark for about a week and it was getting boring... so we decided to invite some girls we knew over to play as our handicaps. They came over of course and we played Pop-A-Cap teams with my lady and I versus them. Robin was actually good at it! I was shocked! Robin was beating the crap out of Val every time! The best part however was when she killed my friend. He got pissed and I thought he was gonna go ape shit on us. Anyway a few weeks later Robin and I went on a date and we've been together every since. Therefore Perfect Dark, a shooter that could be considered slightly RPGish in nature, got us together and allowed me to tell her that games (RPG's specificly) were a very big part of my life. She doesn't like RPGs all that much except Mario RPG. She buys me games and lets me play them as much as I want as long as I spend an equal amount of time with her. She's attractive, I'll send a pic to prove it and she's buying me Kingdom Hearts for Christmas. My life is very damn good because of her and I love her deeply.
There have been times...(SNIPED FOR REASONS OF SPITE) ...for so long.
Anyway that's a story but I'll ask some questions also.
Is there any reason for me to complete Breath of Fire 3? I got it about 2 months ago but I can't really get into it.
Is T Ogre for the GBA any different from the original? I had a good time playing the original but I don't wanna play it again for $44.
If I have to work on Thanksgiving don't you think I should get time and half??
Thank you very much if you post this, if you don't no biggy... DAMN YOU!


So you've got a girl who's rich, generous, and kicks ass at video games. Congrats, you've found what most gamer guys spend forever looking for. My personal story of love involved a boring evening, the mention of Super Mario World, and quite possibly the quickest play through of said game ever with my kick-ass girlfriend, who slaughtered through it even faster then I could. It's been love ever since. Well, love and video games.
1. There's no GOOD reason to beat BoF3, expect for the whole orgy scene about an hour before the game ends. Momo is one flexible chick.
2. Completely different games, and Tactics Ogre for GBA is certainly worth it.
3. No, you should ditch. Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks that the Indians haven't risen up and blown up our capitol for all the crap we put them through. So I guess it makes sense that we gorge ourselves. Stupid pilgrims.
4. Yeah, I get that a lot.

Best. Readers. EVA.

To translate ff8fan2002's letter:
in ff8 what are you sapouse to do with chocobo world when it comes up how do i access it and cheack it out
because i noticed the you have to go there to get a sertain gf thanx for your time nick pierce (a.k.a ff8fan2002)
"In Final Fantasy VIII what are you supposed to do to access Chocobo World? I want to know because I noticed that you are supposed to go there to get a certain GF somewhere. Thanks for your time, Nick Pierce (a.k.a ff8fan2002)"
To answer his question, playing Chocobo World requires a special type of handheld gaming system that fits into the Playstation memory card slot called a Pocketstation. The Pocketstation is only available in Japan, so unless you go there to buy one you are out of luck if you are talking about the Playstation version. I believe that the Windoze version lets you play Chocobo World on your PC. Isn't that right, Andrew?
-Mr. Noe Itall

Thank you, Mr. Noe. It's readers like you that make this job worthwhile. As for the window's version letting you play, I have no idea. FF8 was painful enough the first time through, without having to hose more money on Square for another time around. I really wish they had brought the Pocketstation over though. A memory card that also doubles as a mini-game player? Why didn't anyone else think of that! Oh wait...I forget about the horribly failed memory cards for Dreamcast.

Poorly thought out letter.

Hello, Sir Andrew, oh Crimson Prince of Crankiness,
First, what is the name of an RPG this column mentioned a long time ago that had good gameplay and graphics and plot but was too cutesy for its own good?
Second, what should be done to make MMORPGs much better and more groundbreaking than stay mindless dungeon crawls with only monster killing as the only activity to play the game in the first place?
Third, what should RPGs do in general to be better than they are now?
Fourth, I want your input on my opinion to the last question. For RPGs to be better, they need the following...
a solid plot with sub-plots you would not expect see align with it, like a teenage warrior seeking a lost power for the first half, then the warrior's girlfriend seek out that first warrior for the second half because she is pregnant; then her little brother search for those two in another world because the first world was destroyed by that second world for the third half...(obviously you can come up with better ideas/examples than this)
characters with diverse backgrounds, magic, weapons, and personal minigames, like a much better version of Chrono Cross, only without that crappy system;
settings that radically differ from one another continentally and dimensionally, like an anartic continent for one setting, a space station for another setting, an MMORPG for an even other setting, you get the idea;
a battle system that uses KH's real time system with Grandia's command system and FFX's power-up system to unleash special attacks;
graphics with real-time 3d system(FFX) combined with cel-shaded characters (BoF5) and hand-drawn backgrounds (Vagrant Story) to give a unique feel to that game;
AND extra side-quests that alter not only the game's ending and status of characters, but are also a game in itself that can be played after winning the game itself and accessing secret areas, secret endings, secret cutscenes, and totally different views to play the game such as through the bad guy instead of the good guy;
so, any input on this or what?
Fifth, what does these 2 quickies mean...
first this one...
other Metroid???
But I thought that the last Metroid was in captivity?!
-Mike "Rahlious" White
Google- See, this is the problem when you eradicate the things the franchaise is named after.
And this second one...
Google- Ah, the eternally creepy question.
Finally, what was your first RPG you ever played?

First off, never ever write a letter this long again. You've got that much to ask split it up over two days.
1. Are you insane? No really, this could be any RPG on the market.
2. Right now? I'd settle for them being free. I am not playing $10 bucks a month to raise my fishing skills.
3. They need to be more in depth, without being complicated, ala Star Ocean 2, but with a better translation. I want it to be MY adventure. I don't want to be forced to get characters, or to learn skills I don't want, and play mini-games that suck. (FF9 frog hunting mini-game, anyone?) If developers were less interested in forcing their donkey ideas on us and letting us choose what we wanted to do in RPGs, we'd all be much better off for it.
4. Those are all great ideas, and I would love to see some games take advantage of giving more plot and hell, a longer game to those who took the time to really explore the world. I'm a big fan of opened ended adventures, not games that shunt me along the plot line.
5. The Metroid quickie was a clever hat tip towards Super Metroid's intro, where the last metroid has been captured, which means that there shouldn't be any sequels, since all the metroids are dead. Ha ha.
The second quickie means Age/Sex/Location, and is commonly said in chats when you're trying to get into someone's pants.
6. Zelda 2. Not only did it rock, not only was it the father of such games as C:SOTN, but it was also amazingly hard at the end.

Arrgoant readers suck.

Hi Andrew,
Since most RPGamer Q&A hosts seem to hate Vagrant Story, what's your oponion on it? I actually bought a copy of it last week, just because your colleagues dislike it so strongly. And so far, I think it's the best Square game I've ever seen. Sure, the plot is a complete FFVII ripoff, but originality never was Square's forte ne. So, have you ever played it? Were you scared SMURF to see Square actually created a GOOD dungeon crawler? Or are you just like the others at RPGamer, refusing to see how divine this game is?

First off, use your damn spell checker before you send me letters, and second, yes, I have played Vagrant Story and think, at best, it's a mediocre game. Look Solle, customizing your weapons to the point of insanity isn't everyone's cup of tea, and if you have a problem with that, tough. I'm willing to bet that the majority of the population does NOT see Vagrant Story as Square's best game ever, and certainly would question its divinity.

A list of questions.

Greetings! Here is a list of questions:
1. First thing is first: if [161][x] is congruent with [49] in modulo 200,
what would be the equivalence class of x?
2. Wild Arms 3: Buy, rent, or skip?
3. Grandia Xtreme: Buy, rent, or skip?
PS: You know what would be a great idea: Final Fantasy Tactics multiplayer. Just like online chess, execpt you fight Final Fantasy Tactics style.


1. The equivalence class of x would be 3.27. Did I mention that I'm failing math?
2 & 3- Seeing as how I haven't played Wild Arms 3 yet, and how I would never touch any game with Xtreme in the title, I'm going to say rent for both.
PS- Yes, that would be a good idea, so it sucks that you worded it so poorly. How is FFT anything like chess?

Princess Maker 2 is porn! Soft core, and suitable for the whole family porn, but porn all the same!

So, I'm not going to comment on whether or not PM2 is hentai or not. However, here is a funny big of information about her height, weight, and bust measurement bars--they're all on the same scale. Height is in inches, weight is in pounds, and bust is in ... inches. You can also get a cheat code and buy "buxomizer" pills, which add in chest to her bust. So when we were regularly playing this game for a good laugh, someone (ok, my boyfriend.) got his princess's bust size up to 89 inches or so... and she only weighed 90 pounds at the time. We figure that either she carried them around in wheelbarrows and weighed them independently, or they were filled with helium. Unfortunately, her picture didn't change to reflect this.
And I suppose this goes right along with inbred princesses trying to stand upright.

Ah, one of the funnier aspects was abusing the breast enchantment pills, especially because before the pills, your princess would say It's easier to move with small breasts! and after the pills she would say, I love the way I look! Stupid shallow girl, after I made you take all that schooling too. As for the abuse of the princess's weight vs bust, well, I have nothing to say.


Do you think the psx Tales of Destiny games are worth my time and money? Are the stories good or are the games just gameplay driven? I've played Star Ocean 2 and hated it because of its bland story and horrible translation, so I'm hesitating on picking one of those games up. I could use the advice!
The Saturday Night Jobber

Yes, the Tales of Destiny's series are solid, enjoyable games, with a unique battle system. Star Ocean 2, while having an awful translation, also has the coolest battle system and skill system ever seen in a RPG. If you're looking for a great plot, why don't you go read something by Terry Prachett?

Is it RPG Amer, or RP Gamer?

It's pronounced, "It doesn't matter, you stupid nerd."

Falling in love with an RPG? What about falling in love with a character within the RPG? If I met a guy who looked, acted, and talked like Cuan from Fire Emblem 4 I'd marry him in a heartbeat.

You and me both, baby. *swoon*

Kefka is piss easy if you have Mega Elixers. Silly goose!
Also, someone needs to make you a sig pic.
-Kamikaze "SPOON!"

All bosses are piss easy if you use the best healing items when fighting them, they're not so easy when you sold all your healing items to buy your heroes better armor.

Your Secret Admirer told us they like you!
They're waiting to see if you like them, too.
Just click to and enter the information below.
Email address:
Secret code: HENTAI (Note: This is NOT your password!)
Best wishes,
The SomeoneLikesYou Matchmaker >_<

Good God. You printed all three of my letter from yesterday, *and* you printed two full versions of my sig (which I'm not going to include anymore. =P ) Wow, being one of your henchmen is nice.
So I'm not entirely sure about the Colecovision thing, other than the concept that if we don't go in chronological order with video game systems we'll never be able to get the kids to appreciate the old-school stuff. However, my boyfriend claims to have had a lot of fun playing Colecovision with his mom when he was 5 or so... scary, huh?

Since no one has figured it out yet, I basically post anything, since even if your letter is insane, because someone is going to get a kick out of me demeaning you. As for your boyfriend's fetish, I suggest you remind him what ELSE his mom did to him when he was five. *whip crack*

Dude, this site is mad phat! SWEET!!!!!!!
How.. super.. DOPE!!!!
(I fell in love through a RPG.. unfortunatly, it was with someone who was kind of... dead?)

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. When did you figure out she was dead? Before or after the first date?

Hey Andy,
Three quick questions for you:
1- Has anyone, anywhere, ever been able to get that stupid Excalibur II sword in FFIX where you had to reach the final dungeon under 12 hours, without cheating? I still say it's impossible, and stupid.
2- What's your opinion on Vagrant Story? My respect for you lies solely in your response, and everyone wants my respect more than anything.
3- What the godddamn fudge does l33t mean?
Thanks dude. And lay of the crack. It's only good for ME.

1. The sword's proud owner is Mr. Bob Barker, who managed to get the sword using a game shark and his influence as a game show hosting bad-ass.
2. Great idea, but if I wanted to micro manage or get my ass kicked, I would play Civilization 3.
3. It means "elite", but has been translated to l33t-sp3@k which was popular for a brief period of time last year with the poser crowd. Like, duh.

You can also have her nude in Princess Maker 2 by replacing a couple files with dummy files, so that due to there being no data about the clothes to load it just loads the normal image of her which normally has some clothes ontop of it. Not that I did it until she was 17...really...honest...

I can't remember the last Q&A host who attracted so many perverts AND girls. But yes, the nude code is a standard of the Princess Maker series, and hey, if anime girls are what get you off, go for it.

The Final Grumble:

All right, as many of you have noticed, I lack both a signature picture or a bio. Well, here's your chance to get your name up in lights, and win something too.
That's right, not only does the first place winner get to show off their work on this site, not only do you get to do a guest host column with me, but you also WIN A MYSTERY PRIZE GAME BOY ADVANCE GAME.
Now be assured, not only will all entries be posted for your time in the limelight, but they'll also influence my bio. Always pictured me as a crimson prince of darkness? As a perverted anime kid? How about as a robotic cowboy with ecchi tentacles? Every picture will subtly go to creating my bio, and thus who your Q&A host is.
Contest ends on Saturday, Nov. 30, at 12 p.m. The quicker you get your entries(Yes, you're allowed to send as many pictures as you want. I won't stop you from trying to increase your chances of winning) in the better, because it'll go a long way towards earning you the coveted first place prizes, since if I get a rush of last minute entries, I won't have time to, you know, properly give a damn. All entries should be sent to my RPGamer email, and please include your personal information, including your:
Street Address-
City & Zip Code-
So I can send you the prizes when you win. Either zip the picture up and place it as an attachment, or link me to the site where you posted it.
So have fun, be creative, and remember, make me look frigging stupid, and you don't win a GBA game.
Whew, with that out of way, next weekend's topic will be what you'd like to see in a Q&A host, and his or her column.
Sweet and Caring? Perverted and crude? Hopelessly out of it? More contests? More letters being posted? Do you want to hear about their daily life, or could you care less? Any gimmicks you would love to see in a Q&A column that just never seem to go through?
Good luck contestants, and to everyone else, I'm sure you're not that bad of an artist.

This contest is officially endorsed and supported soley by Andrew Duff and not RPGamer in any form.

Andrew "Cute, but in a bad-ass sort of way" Duff

I've been told I look like Harry Potter. Without the scar, or the charm.

Old Issues
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