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Andrew - February '28- 12:00 Central Standard Time

I’m going to make the assumption that most of you readers can remember a time, when you first got your NES, happily playing for as long as FIVE MINUTES before you screamed and flung the controller at the tv set.

Then, after panting from anger for a few moments, you picked up the controller and played some more.

Well, this is for all you sadist RPGers out there with a streak of pointless action game in you. What’s Andrew playing this week leads to “Fly the Copter”, a game that will make you curse at your monitor for the next few hours. My high score is a pitiful 1487, and already Choco has whomped it with an amazing 1754. So get flying and earn some bragging rights!

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Funny moments throughout the ages.

My funniest RPG moments...(warning: this could contain spoilers for Suikoden II, Lufia II, and Tales of Destiny, and maybe even Suikoden III :\)

-One was in Breath of Fire III when the dolphin yells at Ryu in Australian dialect, and then you get an option to replay the scene in English. Am I the only one who finds that scene hilarious?

-Another funny moment for me was near the end of Suikoden III (this doesn't really spoil anything) when Lucia is having a quick chat with Chris before going into the last area (the part where she's like "Sometimes, even strong women have to show their weaknesses"). I seriously fell out of my chair laughing at that one...

-I don't think this really counts, but in my recent replaying of Suikoden II I found a serious translation error. I had picked Kasumi as my "general" from Toran, and when I returned to the castle for briefing and whatnot, Shu said "The teams led by Riou, Luc, Valeria...". That one made me think about what the translators were smoking when they translated that text (and hell, what they were smoking when they translated the whole game).

-I also can't leave out the part in Lufia II where Guy makes up all these weird names for the party before they go into a fight - he's like, "Now, I present...the Magical Wife, Magical Selan!" Heh heh...

-That's it for funny stuff, but for a weird moment - I thought that part in Tales of Destiny just before you fight Rembrandt (when he first shows up in the Aeropolis) was weird. It's like, completely random crap. I suspect it's fruit of censorship, but still...scary O_o.

Andrew, I have a question for you. If you could pick any character in any RPG to be, who would it be and why?


If I could be any RPG character...hmm. Probably the main character from Robotrek. Your own spaceship, robots, and plenty of cool gadgets! Who needs angst when you can turn into a mouse?

Red-necked lesbians!

Hiya! First time emailer to said mailbox, long time reader. Yall are good folks, and even give some respect to the PC RPGs out there. (Im a multisystem gamer anyhow. Its not what systems do I have, its which ones I do not have and will end up spending big bucks for on ebay. Stupid overpriced Vectrexes..)

Funniest moment in an RPG ever? Easy. In the PC RPG Fallout 2, I played a female character. I saved this town from bad things, and both siblings were rather.. enamored with me. So for giggles I decided to have my character spend time with the grateful young lady. Only to have them wake up the next morning with her father aiming a shotgun at my character's head. He was a bit.. traditional, and thus I was required to marry the young lady. At gun point. I HAD A LESBIAN SHOTGUN WEDDING!

Though actually, Fallout 2 was full of funny bits like that which I will not bore you with. (Though you can get the game and its prequel for 10 bucks at Wal Mart and some online shops. Its worth it. BEST RPG EVER.)

Does that work for a funny bit?

Oh yeah, and if you haven't played it yet, Skies of Arcadia Legends is very good.

Final note: the demo for the spaceship action RPG Freelancer is out if you are willing to suffer the pain and agony that IS Fileplanet. Its a really kickin demo. I played it for 4 hours last night and lost sleep because of it.

Keep up the great work yall!

Everyone always assures me that the Fallout series rocks, and yet every time I play my pointless throwing of points into sex appeal and charisma ensure I never get more then a few minutes into the game. *sigh*

I know I should put all my points into strength and take a couple of cool skills like immune to poison, but in the land of the freaks, the pretty people are kings! Granted, dead kings, but still!

Looking for help in all the wrong places.

Dear Andrew,

First off, I'd like to say I've been a long-time reader of the column and want to tip my hat to you on an awesome job. Yay. Free praise for you.

The only reason I'm sending this is because I have a slight problem and need some help from "experts" (read: you and other RPGame(rs/ras)).

I'm not sure if this has been asked already in some older column, but I couldn't find it in the archives if it was. So here's my slight problem:

I'm supposed to do a 3000-4000 word essay to get my High School diploma. Luckily, it can be on almost any subject areas and any topic in those subjects. I want to do mine in Computer Science, and the topic is "Artificial Intelligence in Video Games". Specifically, RPGs probably. That being said, could you, or any other readers, guide me in the right direction for sources, opinions, and/or actual people who work in the industry who wouldn't mind being asked questions by a high school gamer? That or actual games with notable examples of AI? See, I'm a broke, unemployed high school student too. I need all the money I can get.

Thanks a million.


Buh? RPGs aren’t exactly known for AI, AK. You’re best bet for an assignment like this would be to switch to a different genre, or alter your topic to “New mediums for storytelling” and focus on RPGs. Sorry man, but you’re entirely on the wrong side of the tracks.

Overexcited fan boys. Ayiee!

Here's funny for ya.

1. Earthbound - It gets the top spot because it -is- a funny moment. It's a funny moment that's shaped like an RPG. Whether you're SMAAAAAASH!ing the Giant Plague Rat of Doom or you're searching for the trout-flavored yogurt machine, it's enough to make your sides hurt. And I just farted. Whatcha think about that, spanky?

2. Wall Market - One of the things I enjoyed most about FFVII was its sense of humor. Crossdressing, sexual innuendo, transvestite gym patrons, a late-night rendez-vous to fetch something (protein drink set, my Blonde Wig) from that vending machine... It was disturbing, but a good kind of disturbing. Unfortunately, we've yet to see that level of jocularity in a Final Fantasy since.

3. The Clothing Shop in Clik (Star Ocean 2) - Come on. Even Rena breaks down and laughs her sprites off when you see Celine in that... thing.

So here's the schtick. My birthday's this coming Tuesday, and I'm expecting a wad of dosh from the relatives and such. My choices are: blow it on a PS2 and some games (read: .hack, Xenosaga, and Suikoden 3 looks nice) and leave cash for upcoming expenditures (like Star Ocean 3 and Amplitude) or pick up a Gameboy Advance (which, knowing me, would be one of those Rockman-15th-Anniversary special edition blue GBAs with the Rockman.EXE logo on the front and an import copy of Rockman.EXE 2) then go on to buy the requisite slew of Genesis/SNES ports.

Noting that I'll be attending an anime convention at the end of March (In the Pittsburgh area? Click Here for more details!), which path do you see as more fruitful, given the current lay of the industry? I'm leaning toward the PS2 side, myself, but one Megaman Battle Network Transmission hits for the 'Cube, I'm going to want a GBA and want it -badly-. And I still don't have those Ashton or Rena pins.

---Nerdboy Himself

1. I think you need some beano and less fish flavored yogurt.

2. If more Final Fantasy games were into gender bending, I think we’d see a much more open population of crazy fan-boys, and less obsessions with milk girl Tifa.

3. The whole of Star Ocean 2 was full of funny moments, especially in battle. Speaking of funny battle noises, Summoner’s death screams are always near orgasmic, which is horribly funny when your character has just been hacked to pieces.

You know, I can’t even think of what state Pittsburgh is in. How sad is that?


Hey thanks for bitch slapping Xain for me. Anyway the webcomic he advertised last week is not his, but rather mine. IT'S MY DAMNED STUPID WEBCOMIC DAMN YOU!

-Evil Roy

Dear Evil Roy, this is God. Sorry, but I accidently forgot to give you artistic talent or a sense of humor. In exchange, please except this fruit basket. Try the apples!

The word of the day today (2/27/03) was "spoony."

How ironic, I thought the same thing about this quickie.



The Final Grumble:

If you really want to get your letters printed this weekend, don’t forget to include your helicopter high scores, bisnatches!

Andrew "Chopper Copper" Duff

Would mice made of cloth eat themselves?

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