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Andrew - January '05- 12:00 Central Standard Time

I finally plugged in my lava lamp, and the thing’s making me go crazy. I can understand why the hippies were so nuts now. Hooray for melting blobs of wax, slowly heating and cooling in an amusing way.

Man, I bet the guy who invented lava lamps lives on a block along with the people who invented pet rocks, A-track tapes, beanie babies, and infomercials.

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Zelda for GBA

Google brings it on.

Someone asked if there was any real connection between Koudelka and Shadow Hearts yesterday. To clarify the issue, aside from both being set in the real world, they're set within a few years of each other, every character from Koudelka who isn't dead shows up at some point or another in the story, usually playing a pretty significant role, and of course the setting of Koudelka is to be found later in Shadow Hearts.

Now, whether you have to play it to get the most out of Shadow Hearts is another matter entirely. One of the things I've always dug about Koudelka is that it has, hands down, the most narrowly focused plot of any RPG ever made. There's no warring kingdoms, no earth scarring superweapons, no having to save the world from an evil megalomaniac. The whole game takes place in one building, with the major story points quite honestly having no real impact on anyone besides those involved.

So basically, yes, Koudelka provides backstory to Shadow Hearts, but it provides roughly as much backstory as talking to all the people in a given town in the game, and there's a nice little catch-up.

Of course, that doesn't mean you shouldn't play Koudelka, it's a pretty nifty game in its own right.
Oh yes, in keeping with my policies I should throw a question in here too. What do you think of the various bits of news regarding FF10-2 floating about? You can find people everyone rambling on about the shots of girls in skimpy outfits, but you generally don't hear anyone talking about the fact they're evidently bringing back the job system, via magical girl transformation sequences, and adding a jump button, bringing up horrific memories of Xenogears' Babel Tower. Again, your thoughts?

- Google

Thanks for filling the readers and myself in on what Koudelka and Shadow Hearts have in common.

Frankly, I hate the idea of a sequel for Final Fantasy 10, especially with such banal characters, (Paine? You can do better, Square.) But the job system, and jumping, do intrigue me. I just hope their done right.

Hell hath no fury like a forgetful black mage.

My Dearest Andrew (cough, snigger);

Tellah: miss, miss, miss, miss, hit (8 point), miss, miss, take three fricking turns to cast Fire 3 (upon casting spell only one monster is left and kills the monster 16 times over).

Has anyone noticed that BIG STRONG Samson in Beyond the Beyond hits hardly any better than Annie?

And don't you wish you had saved ALL of your Sources of Agility for Edward?


I was always amazed that Tellah could actively keep tabs on his old enemies and keep his mind on the task at hand, and yet, couldn’t remember simple spells. Lets not forget how his strength went down with each level up. Stupid old man, I’m glad you fried.

As for Samson, well...Beyond the Beyond wasn’t exactly the pinnacle of RPGs. There was a lot of stuff that was insensible. Like...well, most of the game, actually.

The only good Nazi is a grammar Nazi.

"On a caring scale of 1 to 100, with 1 being "I couldn't care less" then "I could care less" could be anything from 2 to 100."

No, because on that scale 100 is caring very very very much and you cannot possibly care any more because there is no 101 or decimals after 100. Therefore, "I could care less" could only be anything from 2 to 99! Ah ha ha ha! Even more irrelevant minutiae nitpicking!

with all the warmest regards of a magically animated peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich that will join the party in Chrono Break to replace Turnip,

- WobblyFork

Ehehehehehe. I have the best readers.

The sky is falling!

Hey Andrew,

First, I just wanted to say that I think you're doing an awesome job as a host, your sarcasm parallels my own.

Second, I wanted to comment about the "Japanese-only extras". In many cases, while a game is being localized, we receive extra bosses or small changes that the developers didn't have time to include before the Japanese release. They will then re-release the game in Japan, with the English dialogue, so that the fans overseas don't feel left out. This is the case with both of the titles mentioned, so we really aren't missing anything.



Ah, but the Japanese get EXTRAS! They get posters, nicer manuals, extra cds, and hookers! Do you hear me!? EXTRA CDS!!!

Idiotic ramblings from a dateless freak. Whoops, I've offended half my readers. ^_^;;

Hey Andrew, long time reader, first time lesbian. As I watched the Q&A column around christmas time I noticed something. Everyone who sent in a letter about what they were getting just had to mention they were getting it from a girlfriend! Now I think I remember you telling people to write in about what they wanted to get, but not who they were getting it from. But anyway the rule goes that anyone who has to bring up the fact that they have a girlfriend whenever they possibly can probably doesn't actually have one. Hmmmm, how pitifully sad.

For most annoying RPG character.... I dont have one, I love everyone always! By the way if you give me a smartass answer to this I'll RIP YOUR FREAKIN FACE OFF!!!!


Your first paragraph leads me to conclude that you are some sort of ridiculously hideous swamp creature, and thus, no women will go anywhere near you. Including your mother.

You see, when a guy has a girlfriend, and he loves her, there tends to be a whole lot of talk about her. For instance, my girlfriend has been on vacation, and I miss her sooooooooooo much! *sigh*

As for the face rip offing threat, you are aware that rabbits have huge, pointy front teeth, yes?

I hate it when people try to force the funny. They end up blowing out their O rings.

Yeah, Transmetal 2 Megatron rocked. Best cyborg dragon ever. There was this one time, he did this thing, and blew some stuff up... Yeah, that was cool.

Here are some questions, because I care.

1) Lunar GBA, Zelda GBA, or Yoshi's Island GBA? Ever time I try to decide which one to buy my brain starts to convulse. Stupid lack of being able to buy all the games I want. Make a decision for me, I'm lazy.

2) Why hasn't ADV released King of Bandit Jing in North America yet? Noir and RahXephon be damned! I want Jing DVDs!

3) Netto is a crazy bastard. He jumped off a moving bus so that he could go save Rockman from Skullman! I ever tell you how much the Rockman EXE manga rocks? Well, it does. Wait, that wasn't a question...damnit. Just pretend it was, or something.

There is nothing funnier then staying up all night, then watching Sesame Street while drunk. Really. -Jita


2. Because they hate you. Yes you, Jita.

3. I can’t believe anyone would need saving from Skullman. I mean, jeez. He was basically a guy in a skeleton costume.

Three strikes, you're banned!

Everybody and their mother's bashing Quina, but have you ever stopped to think about what he/she/it has gone through? First, it's obvious it has a horrible eating disorder. There's no argument there. Then, the party ditches it on the other side of the world TWICE, although one can argue that the first time was its own fault. When Quina swims across the ocean to find you again, nobody even cares. Then later on, when everybody splits into four groups, Zidane's upset because he's stuck with Quina, and he says it out loud right in front of its face. Don't you think someone as depressed as Quina would do anything to get attention, including being a total moron?

Also, I know this is a bit late, but I've been much too lazy to send letters. My worst RPG moment was playing Super Mario RPG. I've already beaten it several times, but I was fighting Smithy again because the last battle was so awesome (I was 12 at the time). My friend comes over and asks if he can try. I give him the controller, and on his first hit, he beats Smithy! Then, for several years, whenever RPGs were brought up in a conversation, he would mention how he was able to defeat Smithy in one hit. Needless to say, it got very annoying after a while. I know that's not a really horrible moment, but I've never really had that many bad RPG moments.

My best moment is a "I was down to one hit point, and I attacked, and I won!" In this case, it was Fenrir against Opiomorph. After that battle, I made it my solemn duty to beat up anybody who said Citan wasn't the coolest RPG character ever. But, that never came up, so my fists have remained clean. Again, sorry this is so late, but since winter break started, I've been in a state of half-consciousness (is that even a word?).

BL Alien

1. No.

You’re wrong.

Everyone hates Quina.




2. Great, now you ruined next week’s topic; “Lamest RPG moments ever”.

3. The coolest RPG character ever is Gilgamesh. End of story.

Suikoden fandom. Welcome to the 8th level of hell!

2 Things,

1: Reguarding all the Suikoden games, whats with the time ratio on that stuff, if you ask me it seems pretty inacurate. I mean, just look at the difference between Suikoden I and Suikoden II, then take Tengaar and Hix, they only age about 3 years, but Flik and Viktor age about 7. I dont even want to start on the ratios of Suikosaga Vol.1 & 2.

2: In Suikoden III, Nash Latjke is the coolest character, hands down, yet they made it so you can only use one of his weapons! If you read up on the history of Nash, he also has two swords which Yuber seems to have stolen, a dagger, which he only draws once to defend Chris from Hugo in that one village, and also how can you forget the Grossier Flux! I bought the game mainly to see him with all the weapons and such, yet i was dissapointed to see that he only shot knives from him sleem/arm. What do you think about that?!?!


1. War ages old people harder then young people. Didn’t war movies teach you anything? By the end of them, the old veteran leader has his age catch up to him, and dies. Usually with the help of a bullet to the chest. Meanwhile, the rookie comes out a little older, and a little wiser, after he kills his best friend and learns the true meaning of photojournalism. Duh.

2. Dude, like, we were TOTALLY ripped off! Like, such a killer hero as Nash should like, totally get his OWN video game! I mean, cha!


Hey, I heard a rumor that Final fantasy 7 will be remade into a giant transforming robot sometime in 2008. Can you tell me when that will happen? Do you think they'll port it over here to the US? What are your feelings about the fact that the Japanese version will probably get special extras like mutant ray guns?

I’ve got some bad news for you, but they’re not porting the giant-transforming-robot-that-was-once-Final-Fantasy-7 to the US. Something about it not being cost effective to create another robot simply to wreck havoc on American shores. On the bright side, I’ve heard Nintendo, in a recent effort to boost sales, will be releasing their own version of the giant-transforming-robot-that-was-once-Final-Fantasy-7 in the form of millions of tiny robot killing machines made out of unsold cartridges of Pokemon. However, whoever collects them all will form “Chupikamon” the most cuddly death engine ever to stomp across North America!

What color is the milk on your planet?


White, like the bones of your unborn children.

Mmm, nothing like a big greasy pizza, eh?

Reminds me of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles too. Priceless series, I tell ya.

I wonder how many children poured household chemicals and paint thinner on their pets to see if they could turn them into hideous human/animal hybrids as a result of that show.

Is Paine an Al-Bhed?


Magic 8 ball says- Answer hazy, please try again when your question doesn’t suck.

When do you suppose would Final Fantasy X be released as a reduced-price Greatest Hits title?

Today! Yes sirree! TODAY! What are you doing still reading this?
Run out right now and get it!
You cheapskatey cheapskate you.

According to rpgamer it doesn't have an actual title yet... I've heard from various sources that it's name is .hack//Absolute Encirclement

Have i been fooled?

And seeing as i'm on the topic of hack, have you seen the anime? It's pretty cool...

1. You’re right, that is the name of the .hack’s 4th volume. Hooray for you.

2. You have been fooled. The room you’re in is actually made of paste. Hahaha! And you’re stuck to it! Your only choice will be to EAT your way out!

3. Yes, and the first episode was amazing. However, the series has since slowed to a snail’s pace, and I have found my interest waning. Back to Invader Zim for me!

The Final Grumble:

I’ve been playing Zelda- Link to the Past this week, and something, well actually a few hundred somethings, struck me as odd with the game. Like Link’s dashing ability. He uses it to run into piles of rocks and destroy them, instead of just, you know, climbing over them. Or how about when he gets new armor? How it just changes his clothing color? I mean, maybe I could believe that the new armor looks similar to Link’s original clothing, but they even had a similar hat! No one in Hyrule has a hat as ugly as Link’s! How?!
And I, for one, can understand why the villagers are afraid of Link. I mean, imagine watching some guy in a dress murder a guard, and then rip out his still beating heart and devour it.

Well yeah, that would be pretty cool. But I digress!

So if you haven’t guessed it by now, next week’s topic are the video game moments that left you going HUH? Remember when Shadow was screaming for redemption at the end of Final Fantasy 6? How about when Luna cleared up the evil mists by singing in Lunar 1? Speaking of Lunar, who can forget the appearance of a certain poorly disguised super hero? Lets not even get into some of the wacky reasons Suikoden characters had for joining the army. I want to hear about your moments that truly justify the use of 0_o

So get to work on writing about the strangest moments in RPGs, I’m going to go watch more Invader Zim.

Zim- “GIR, self-destruct!”

Andrew "pirate ship" Duff

Have you noticed that when you leave water open to the air, it absorbs any odors nearby? Really, leave a glass of water open in the fridge, next to some strong cheese. CHEESE WATER! ^_^

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