The great white lie

You will pass. You will succeed, and danger will dance around you and smack only the rest. You will find a steady job at your beck and calling. People love you, game companies await your passing grace and brilliance and will jump at the chance to hire you; all you need to is e-mail your resume like there's no tomorrow. You aren't doing as bad as you think - you're fifth down from the top in terms of class average, not second up from the bottom. The woman you're drawn to but know absolutely nothing about must be thinking the same about you, and you're bound by destiny to be introduced by a friend. Even though only five days remain in the semester, and it's finals week. You don't need a summer job, and your parents are perfectly understanding that you haven't found one for the third summer in a row.
Lunar and Shadow Madness are coming very soon. Really.

My nose is getting very, very long now. So I'd better stop and answer your questions.

search engine failure #41092

Dear Michael:

My husband is cheating with my sister's best friend, and I'm being stalked by My former boss. But he's dead, see, they buried him on his side and he's never been a side sleeper so he's uncomfortable, and now he's come back for my blanket and pillow. Can you help me? -Faith

Michael: Er, I'm sorry but this is a game help column, and I don't get paid $3.65 for every minute it takes me to answer you. Go bug Drew, he's more your department now.
Everquest for that better machine...


I was wondering if you have played Everquest. If you havn't let me warn you and all fellow readers that you need a good computer. I always thought minimum requirements meant you could play the game normally. In Everquest I move about half the speed of every one else and when the music comes on I move about 1 frame a minute. If you wanna play this cool online RPG make sure you got a lotta RAM and better than 166mhz or you'll be pissed off like me.

By the way the column rocks!

The disgrunteled gamer (cant spell that......)


Everquest looks cool, and I'd love to have the time, money and facilities to Play it. Unfortunately, there's an inconveniently large black hole approaching my GPA right now, and I have to do my best to ward it off.

Scanning for mistakes

Yeah, I know this is Thor's error, but he ain't here, so I'll gripe about it to you:

"The only RPG which used Scan in recent memory is Parasite Eve."

Uh, does the Sense materia in FF7 ring a bell? It does pretty much the same thing as Scan; they just renamed it.

ChocoMog ZERO


You'll have to forgive Thor. He's blond, he doesn't go to school and he's got a nordic god complex(fortunately, I've survived thus far with a mere Peter Pan complex), so we have to be understanding for his mistakes. Actually, he may just not have been considering FF7 to be "recent memory", since it's approaching 2 years old(in the states).

Proper titles


I thought esq. was like, the thing like a sr. or jr. for women. Like if Amy Lynn Holbrook's mother was named Amy Lynn Holbrook too.



Esquire is a genderless title. Doesn't anybody remember Mr. J.B. King, Esquire, from Shining Time Station? :) I never thought I would benefit so invaluably from watching that show, yet even now it blesses me with the answer little questions like these.

the circular quest for that significant other

So anyway, Mike... Tell me... what's with the RPGirls? Why aren't I finding any, and are they easy or kind of uptight about the whole sex thing? Hey, however you can help. Maybe post a "Bishounen Zach Needs a Woman" match-up column? I mean... that'd make you rock even more...!

-Bishounen Zach

Michael: All the RPGirls I know are a) online, b) taken or [most often] both. It's a bleak situation and one that every fiber of me deserves, but I won't go into that. If you need some advice, start with a cool nickname. Be chivalrous, be helpful when needed. Treat them with infinitely more respect than yourself, but retain enough dignity so as not to become a permanent puddle of water. Play Secret of Mana together at night on the couch next to each other, fall asleep that way. Oh and um, don't expect or ask about sex. Ever. Place it at the bottom of the bottom of your mind.

Such is from my vast repository of knowledge and experience with the opposite sex (um, okay. One person.). Of course, if you're trapped in perpetual Les Miserables syndrome by an unbreakable wall of shyness like me, the above actions might prove difficult. Gah! Ask Thor on Monday at around 6am =P

Lunar search

Dear Micheal,

On mostly all of RPG websites out there, the Lunar: SSSC demo is a hot topic. How would I be able to get my hands on one of these, aside from ordering direct from WorkingDesigns? Their price is $70, and I've been able to find it for less at Electronics Boutique and Babbages, but, to my knowledge, they don't offer the demo. I'm also not too keen on ordering stuff online (paranoid or cautious, you make the call!).

Christopher Kane P.S. the acupuncture is helping (see April 24th column)

Some stores give you the demo if you reserve it and put $10 down, at least From what I've heard(roommates here are usually a reliable enough source of info). Glad to know the acupuncture helps, but don't wait for Lunar(or Shadow Madness, for that matter Thor), spend money on more immediate games. Crono Trigger 2, Saga Frontier 3...Final Fantasy Gaiden, perhaps?
More Scanning

Hello Mr. Michael.

In response to the letter regarding the 'scan' spell, Final Fantasy 8 has the ever disippating, as you say, "Gray" spell. Well, at least the import does. I'm not sure if it's called "Scan", or if it will be when it comes to our shores(IF that spell stays in the game when we get it), but it does everything you'd want a scan spell to be. In fact, I personally believe it's been improved in FF8. When you 'scan' an enemy, the stats that it displays don't go by in brief flashes like other games. The screen changes, showing HP, level, etc., and it doesn't go away until you press a button. It's also really cool looking, but that's beside the point. :-) Hope this helps(that is, if you even post it).



Cool. Glad I don't need another alarm clock to tell me when the spell is up. Or is the super scan-zero materia reserved for FF9?

the nameless one

Sir Greenhut

Thor "God of Blunder" Antrim is considered a good man by most. And that he is, but he has taken a most sacred vow. He has vowed never to mention the word "crabbit." After politely asking, Thor refused when I asked him to say the word. I also asked our old friend, Drew Cosner. Drew was much more kind on the matter and said the word without fear.

Now I ask you. Will you please mention the word "crabbit"?

-James "ChuckMan" Thorne


Ah... sure. Someday :)

the interview

Hiya Mikey...hey were you on life cereal??? Uhhh... I think Thor rigged so the subject automatically says DIE. Anywhoo... heres a multiple question letter^_^ Why don't you have an anime picture we want to edit you. We're bored,easily amused, stoned, or all of the above.:) Are you going to see Episode 1? What kind of RPG do you prefer action, strategy, or traditonal random battles kind? Do you watch WWF? Do you watch anime?Whats your favorite? Who is the monkey now?????????????????


Michael: I was? Plagiarism! Yeah, Thor wants to kill me. Especially this week it seems, but he won't say why. Do me a favor and ask him on Monday.

1) I'm already on line for episode one, typing this in my ramen powered laptop. Tomato works best.

2) I dunno, I like em all. Though most of my RPGs happen to be traditional, I consider Suikoden among my favorites.

3) Yechh, I haven't watched WWF in about fifteen years. Kindergarten. Don't ruin my rosy colored memories.

4) I love anime, but only the good stuff. Dragon Warrior(the series), Lodoss War, Heroic Legend of Arislan, Robotech and Crying Freeman are among my favorites. Angel Cop, X(the anime movie), and Burn-up W are among those I consider complete trash. Gratuitous blood, gore and violence better have a healthy chunk of deep story backing it up for me to watch.

Monkey?? Ah, you mean intern. Or intern's fetish. Not me, sir.

Not a monkey
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Legend of Legaia / Ehrgeiz
It's all in the mind

Michael's mirror

I got Ehrgeiz. No studying tonight. Charon, take me to the frozen level. Fire and Brimstone don't suit me. Neither will summer, it seems.

Sleep is good. Hybernation is better.

RPG Darwin Award:

Ben Lansing spent four hours trying to put a fire out in Brave Fencer Musashi. Then some deeper awareness suggested he hold down the button.

Shadow Zero Attack Mega! Michael "C's get degrees" Greenhut

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