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Q & ABUSE
TESTICLE ASPHALT
Chapter XIV: In Which We Have A Guest
MMVIII.II.VIII

Lusipurr - 06:15 GMT, the 9th Instant

Idiots and dolts,

Once again it is time for another fun-filled weekend with Lusipurr's fabled Q&Abuse column. Have I got a surprise for you this week: it is a double-header, in the literal sense of two heads. I have used my new puppet control panel to provide a source of entertainment in a compelling guise: Oliver Motok, RPGamer Currents Columnist. He will be happy to provide a secondary source of erudition in what would otherwise be a tedious column. It is a fantastic idea, I think. The more work he does, the less I have to do!



Oliver:

Despite my inability to produce a column this week, I have been given the chance to make my voice heard. To all my faithful readers: I apologize for the blatant lack of Currents this week, and I promise that this tragedy will not be occurring on a regular basis. In my defense, I had two tests, a paper, and a speech to complete in a one-week period. Tends to weigh a guy down, to say the least.

You may recall that, in recent weeks, Shawn and I have been locked in deadly warfare over the possession of Currents. Happily enough we are working towards resolving these differences, and this co-hosting is like a peace offering of sorts; proof of the fact that we can peacefully co-exist. Besides that, hosting a Q&A column is like a dream come true for me, as Q&A is what originally drew me to the site. I must begrudgingly extend thanks to Shawn for this opportunity.



Lusipurr & Oliver:

We will now address your tiresome and annoying questions.




ENTER
A PS2 Sonata?


Greetings and Grooming!

Ok. So What's the deal with Eternal Sonata. I remember reading a review of it for some time ago, and now I see RPGamer gave it an award for best music in 2007. Yet, when I try to look up the game-info on RPGamer and GameFAQS, all information tells me this game has yet to be released, and is scheduled for PS3 and XBOX. I was sure this was a PS2 game. And to further confuse me I live in Europe, and there's no mention of a release date here, alltough I'm sure I read the review in an European magazine...

I find the whole thing puzzling... Partially because of my astounding stupidity, and partly because of... something else. Is the PS3 Eternal Sonata a remake of a PS2 version which never made it anywhere? Answers please.

Thanks.

Regards,

-Plastikk Trotskji

Oliver

Um... according to the oh-so-handy online dictionary that I will not bother to name, Eternal Sonata was released in Europe on October 19 of last year, which is just over a month after the North American release. That's likely the reason that you read a review for the game in a European magazine. As for the game appearing on the PS2... um... to my knowledge, the game was never in development for PS2. There was some early confusion concerning a PS3 release, but a PS2 version was never in question.

Lusipurr

As the puppet says, your local version is out already, Surely, you might have seen this had you left your house. Being a troglodyte, it is clear you have not. Wikipaedia could have told you, but you are clearly either too stupid or too lazy to employ it. Perhaps both. I cannot say.

Now we are done with you. On your way, varlet!



WoW Worries


Lusipurr,

WoW is actually introducing a Death Knight class in the next WoW expansion. Unfortunately, it's intended to be an end game class only, meaning that you have to probably get a character to level 80 and do some hard quest chain to unlock it.

I'm not sure if they've nailed down the details about it yet, though. There's probably more details here.

Oliver

I know nothing about MMOs. I have been pressured by many to play them, but I've never been able to take the dive. This being the case, I fear that I am the worst person in the world to ask about World of Warcraft. Let me direct you to someone far more knowledgeable on the subject.

Lusipurr

I suppose I will have to answer this question. I am aware, as are you, of the upcoming Death Knight class. However, what I really want is to be an Undead Paladin. I do not find this request vain or excessive. Fie on Blizzard for failing to anticipate my arrival on the WoW scene. They ought be ashamed. No doubt, they are.

Oliver

So sorry, I intended to refer you to someone KNOWLEDGEABLE. Boorish lout that he is, Shawn seems to have intercepted my transmission and taken it upon himself to talk about undead paladins. My apologies, I'll attempt to connect you again.

Lusipurr

Who is Shawn?


Also, I got pretty burned out on WoW, otherwise I might take up your offer. Unlike you, I had no preconceived notions of how a WoW Mage should play. Incidently, I had one up to level 67 before my friends decided "Lets all switch servers and sides (again)!" Not that we were even grouping up much before then...

-Ross Bemrose

Oliver

I am hesitant to believe any WoW players who say that they have been "burned out." I have heard MMORPGamers speak of being "burned out" before, only to find them playing with even greater voracity a few days later. Until you cancel your account and send me documented proof, I will not take your claim seriously.

Lusipurr

He cannot possibly do so. He is currently playing with the RPGamer staff on Ravenholdt. Do not encourage him to quit. We require his 'mad skillz'.

Oliver

And so my point is proven. In the words of Gollum, once it takes hold of you, it never lets go. You are doomed to remain a citizen of Azeroth for the duration of your life, and it's high time you accepted this fact.

Lusipurr

Yes, high time indeed! Glad to have you aboard!



Thrice a'Boobed


Hail great Lusipurr,

Hope this makes it in time for the column on XXVIII.II.VIII.

It's Chinese New Year, and I've been overseas visiting relatives, feasting with them, trying strange, expensive foods which don't taste remotely good, and, racking up a few hours on my uncle's PS2. Here's the not-so-nice part. Knowing I'd only get in at most 6 hours of gameplay (I was never the marathoner-type), I decided to bypass Arc The Lad, FFXII, Disgaea II, Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria, and some other RPGs I saw in his collection, and 'wisely' reached for... Call of Duty 3. Am I a boob, is I a boob, or are I a boob?

Lusipurr

I get to go first this time!

So, it appears you are foreign. I am none too certain about responding to foreign people, but I will have a go at it anyway. Do they have PS2s in China? What sort of things do they drink? How do the people get on, walking about upside-down all the time? I hear they eat cats: is this true?

How did you ignore Disgaea 2 in favour of Call of Duty? You are a fool, the measure of which I have heretofore but seldom seen. SHAME!

Oliver

Er... the opinions expressed above do not in any way reflect the opinions of RPGamer as a whole, so... uh, yeah. Anyways, I can forgive you for bypassing Arc the Lad, Disgaea 2, and perhaps even Valkyrie Profile. But to play such rubbish as Call of Duty 3 in place of Final Fantasy XII is an abomination, and a crime I'm not sure I can forgive. So to answer your question sir: Yes. Yes to all three.


Then again, my three cousins were also over for the New Year, and two of them are the not-so-intellectual, obsessive-gamer type. Which is very sad, really, not least because I had to watch my youngest cousin, who has the lowest intelligence out of the three (and the highest obsession level) play Puzzle Bobble, restarting the same level over and over again until ennui got the better of me and I went off for a nap.

Game time wasted.

Oliver

Once again, why were you so blockheaded as to ignore the greatness of Final Fantasy XII? You might have spent your vacation wrapped in its sweet embrace, but no. Rather, you chose to watch your cousin play, of all things, Puzzle Bobble. At the very least, you might have encouraged him to play Final Fantasy XII. Your game time was wasted, sir; and game time is the worst sort of time to waste.

Lusipurr

And once wasted, it can never be refunded. FOOL!


On another note, my new FFXI remix (Vana'diel Waltz, if you haven't managed to catch wind of all the rumors I propagated) is in the works. This remix is supposed to be dedicated to all FFXI players on RPGamer.com, but in your column dated XXVIII.II.I, you said that you had quit FFXI. Are you okay with me keying your name in nevertheless?

And I know this discussion has been ceased long ago, but my favourite piece of game music is FFVI's Aria di Mezzo Carrattere. I like the whole opera, in fact.

Til the day Undead can become Paladins,

Virtuoso

Lusipurr

I have heard of your remix, repeatedly, from you and others, online and off, on IRC, AIM, the World Wide Web, our Forums, and by Post. I am only surprised that, as yet, I have not received a Telegram from Western Union. VIRT PRODUCING NEW FFXI SONG STOP VANADIEL WALTZ TUNE REMIX STOP DO YOU LIKE THE SOUND OF IT STOP PLEASE REMEMBER TO COLLABORATE AND LISTEN ONLY AFTER YOU FIRST STOP

'Been ceased'? What sort of manic English is this? No doubt it is because you are foreign. LEARN ENGLISH. SPEAKY GOOD? ENGLISH YES.

Oliver

Your choice for favorite piece is a solid one, I suppose. I am not among the many who consider Final Fantasy VI's soundtrack to be the greatest musical work of all time, but I enjoy it. I tend to prefer the soundtracks of VII and VIII however, with songs such as One-Winged Angel and A Sacrifice topping my favorites list. Unlike you and Shawn, I really have no musical inclinations; I just enjoy listening to videogame sountracks.

Lusipurr

No one has yet figured out what my favourite piece of video game music is. What a shoddy performance by our readers. Come on, a guinea for the winner! No, I will up the ante: a guinea and six!



EXIT

Oliver:

*Oliver looks suspiciously from side-to-side*

What? Oh, we've reached the end. I apologize, but I've been growing increasingly suspicious of Shawn. I fear that he has invited me to guest-host with the intent of enacting some sinister ulterior motive. What, I cannot say, but I suddenly realize that I am in his territory, and far, far from home.

Paranoia aside, this was quite enjoyable. If the opportunity arises I'm sure you'll find me here again sometime. And if I manage to make it out of here alive, you can catch me in next week's edition of Currents. See you there, my friends.



Lusipurr:

We must all be grateful to Oliver for giving so freely of his time to come assist in answering your puerile queries. Nevermind that his behaviour was regulated from afar through the use of my mind-control ray, we ought be grateful.

Now, I must steer Oliver into a dark corner, where he will find some sharp, pointy objects. I intend to introduce him to them. Thoroughly.

Send letters for next week, little people! Also, remember to address your "Get Well Soon, Oliver!" cards to the RPGamer Infirmary.




Lusipurr is practising his puppetry.

The Horde on Ravenholdt are the best.

Recent Columns

I.XXII - Sean

I.XXV - Lusipurr

I.XXIX - Sean

II.I - Lusipurr

II.V - Sean



A Bard's Lament

Stay, passenger, why goest thou by so fast?

Read, if thou canst, whom envious death hath placed

Within this monument: Shakespeare, with whom

Quick nature died' whose name doth check this tomb

Far more than cost, sith all that he hath writ

Leaves living art but page to serve his wit.



My Truly Marvelous and Excellent Reviews

1. Final Fantasy XI: Wings of the Goddess



My Entirely Educating and Edifying Editorials

1. Conventions and Gamers
2. Anime, Cosplay, and Gaming
3. The Evolution of Sound
4. ESRB Ratings: Blessing or Curse?
5. Out of Time
6. The Decline and Fall of PC Gaming: Fact or Fiction?



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