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Chapter XIII: In Which Death Knights Do Not Exist

Lusipurr - 19:40 GMT

Greetings, hapless boobs.

I was able, this week, to finally gain control of Oliver "Metaridley" Motok's brain. Now, with the aid of a small control box, I am able to operate him from afar. If you check out his Currents column for this week, you will note his references to Q&A at the end of his column. I am pleased to say this is my doing. Next week, instead of news stories, I hope to have him posting pictures of himself covered in suet.

To those of you writing in to enquire after Gorne's health, I would like you to know that he is fine. He has recovered from his nasty case of head trauma and will be back to his usual self in a few days; that is, unless he accidentally brutally stabs himself to death whilst combing his hair. These things happen.

I am preparing to write my first "retro-review" of a game. This seems to be something that is desired by readers. What about you? Do you think writing reto-reviews is useful, or is it just a pointless waste of time? Tell me what you think. This is not to say your comments will make any difference to me, but it will give me a chance to mock your opinions derisively.

I will now address your tiresome and annoying questions.

Feline Faux Pas

Dear Kitty Cat,

Congrats on your promotion. Your comical columns made you worthy of such a rise in stature. I, however, did not care for the kinder, gentler, nicer version! Your clever and cruel observations about your readers have made me laugh like no other before you. Castomel was a close second! Whom ever complained about you needs to get their sense of humor tuned up.


My name is Lusipurr. If you have been reading all this time and have not yet figured this out, you are mentally deficient in ways both numerous and vast. The possibility that you are this ignorant gives me pause, for I see you have more to say. I can only wonder what sort of absolute piffle it might be.

Anyway, just wondering your thoughts on if we are ever gonna have FF IV and DQ IV, V, and VI confirmed for North American release. I'm getting worried that these may never see the light of day in N. A. I realize that FF IV is almost a given, but it feels like it should have already been confirmed, same with DQ IV. Perhaps I'm just too anxious, and need more patience!?? Enlighten me, oh great and all knowing kitty!


PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE, but seeing as you probably have very few virtues, I doubt you should trouble yourself too much about that one.

Square Enix has settled themselves into a pattern of announcing games for North America when the release date is within a three-month window. I would not consider the fate of Final Fantasy IV DS settled, but I can say on extremely good authority that you have little to fear. You may look forward to playing it on your DS sometime in the next six months. As for the Dragon Quest games, those are less secure but still, I think, almost certain to be released here. You may now stop fretting yourself into a dither every night.

Also, your thoughs on The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. I've just raised that tower from the middle of the sea, but haven't played for some time due to other games pulling me away. Should I go back and finish it. I'm still not sure if its another LttP (damn near perfection) or another MM (simply the worst Zelda game ever!). Thoughts.

Until we meet again Kitty Cat,

- Mr. Snuggles


I am now forced to conclude that, in addition to being incomparably ignorant, you are also blind. I have just told you my name. Did you not read it? Are you even paying attention? Useless imbecile! Why do these people send me letters? Why do I not receive questions from sensible people?

I am ashamed to admit that I agree with your appraisal of the Zelda series. Wind Waker is, though, an enjoyable romp. Apart from the ridiculous sailing nonsense, most of which could have been dispensed with, it is the most enjoyable Zelda game I have played since the SNES era. I found it far more enjoyable than either Ocarina of Time (which I didn't care for) or Twilight Princess (which I liked, but found less fun than Wind Waker).

For next time: try to learn my name, idiot.

RPGamer Tag

Gorne & Lusipurr -

So only two columns a week now huh? Let's see if I can make both with just one letter.



I'm curious, being a new XBox 360 owner myself, how you have each found the Live experience so far? (Lusipurr, I'm fairly sure I heard you say on the podcast that you got the 360 for Eternal Sonata, if you've been involved with Live longer, I apologize for my ignorance.) Even after all these years of my good friend telling me I had to get on, ever since the original XBox he's been on my case, I was still surprised at how smooth the whole thing works.


I actually bought my 360 for Final Fantasy XI. Blue Dragon and Eternal Sonata are just icing on the cake. That is actually a terrible metaphor. I hate cake and I hate icing even more. Let us instead say that Blue Dragon and Eternal Sonata are just the cinnamon topping on the apple crumble.

That is a bit unwieldy. Oh well.

Also which one of the gamer zones did you end up choosing? I went Recreational, although I gave both Pro and Underground consideration. I figure I can always switch up later if need be. And finally, were you able to use your gamertag of choice, be it Gorne & Lusipurr, or something else? I couldn't believe someone had taken Kezzy. I've been using that ever since it went from the standard arcade three initials (I was MEL of course, and my younger brother, POO) to having enough letters to really spell out a name. I still can't figure out what else that would be short for besides Melchezedek. Anyways, I had to go with HyphyKezzy instead.


I have no idea what Gorne chose. Everywhere I look, he has a different login, so it seems unlikely to me that he would be Gorne on the 360. For my part, I managed to get Lusipurr. Readers, feel free to add me at your leisure. Just make sure you send me a message saying you are an RPGamer reader. If you are an idiot, a dolt, or a nutter, please do not add me.

Originally I chose 'Pro', and then a few days later I settled on 'Recreational'. What do these things matter, anyway? I am not in games to make money, so I am not a 'Pro'. I am not some sort of punk or indy rock fan, so I can hardly categorise myself as 'Underground'. Really, I play games to enjoy myself in my free time, so I think 'Recreational' is probably an appropriate category. Still, is there any purpose to this? I am too new to 360 to know about such things, and far too lazy to look it up.

And because I've barely mentioned RPG's, I'll just say here that Mass Effect is crack. I've been playing it so much that I may finish with enough time to make a run through Eternal Sonata as well before GTA 4 comes out.



I do not necessarily consider Mass Effect an RPG. Eternal Sonata, on the other hand, is very clearly an RPG. GTA4 is not. Learn the difference!


Oh, hello.

I'll tell you what - I won't pretend like it wasn't morbidly entertaining to watch what I felt sure was the slow, pathetic death of RPGamer's QnA column. Not because I don't enjoy the column, because I do, but because I found it fascinating to watch so many different hosts try so many different techniques to keep the boat afloat. Sean's gradient ran from outright begging to faux-cheerful contests to indifferent acceptance, while Lusipurr's took the form of glaring and constant personality reinvention (I believe that he has finally settled on a happy medium between condescension and helpful discourse).


I have not settled on anything, idiot. Helpful discourse, indeed. How dare you!?

At any rate, I'm not sure that slaying all 8 letters in the backlog in one fell swoop was a wise choice, Sean, given the column's degree of letter solicitation of late. Pace yourself, man! You just blew a big, lettery load, and who knows how many more will trickle in by the end of the week? What if it's just mine? Could get awkward.


I told him not to, but he had already written his column. From now on, he is restricted to three to five letters with well-written, in-depth responses--the sort of responses I am not giving you.

I don't have a whole lot of legitimate video game, or role-playing game, opinion to offer in this installment of my not-so-frequent email offerings, but I will go ahead and disagree with Sean's response to the question regarding the state of changes in the video game versus the video gamer. I think that it is absolutely the video gamer that has changed, and that the market has responded accordingly. Today's prototype in the target gaming demographic (keeping it wide, men aged 12 to 28) is either growing up in or adapting to a world of massively augmented technological speed, and video games reflect that not only in the volume of their availability but also in style. Though there are the niches that like their games traditional (RPGamer, etc.) and their protagonists moody with spiky hair, these niches are so small that companies are no longer safe developing games solely for this market. To bring in new gamers, RPGs are taking their amphetamines and making their battle systems as close to Halo as possible while still preserving the medieval/steampunk dressing. Games like Final Fantasy XII and Eternal Sonata showcase this new tendency to jog around while smacking baddies, a tendency which may eventually evolve (devolve?) these games full circle into Streets of Rage. This isn't too surprising when you consider the popularity of the silos of 2-minute, shallow as-my-girlfriend minigames hawked by Nintendo, or even the Pavlovian "reward me with Burnished Gauntlets and I'll keep playing for a few more hours" concept of MMORPGs. Sure, Blue Dragon kept it traditional, but it also received the critical smackdown from sites that aren't used to the my-turn/your-turn mentality. It'll be interesting to see how Lost Odyssey is received.


I am inclined to agree with you. Sean is always wrong, though, so this is no surprise. By contrast, I am always right! It is nice to know you can get both sides of the spectrum here at RPGamer.

If Sean says something, you can usually count on me to disagree with it out of spite, if nothing else. His head trauma may be improving, but I can still hope to give him an headache with my column!

I think the reviews of Lost Odyssey will be almost identical to those for Blue Dragon. We should know within a week or so.

I'm also curious about the open position of game reviewer - mostly regarding the whole location thing. I'd be happy to play games, write reviews, and hang out in the forums if I can do it from the comfort of my own it also necessary that I pack my [expletive deleted] up into a little bag and move somewhere? Because I can't do that for an unpaid job. How would I eat? I can't eat RPGs. I can't sleep in RPGs.


Well, you would have to move, yes. However, RPGamer is usually willing to pay for the cost of relocation. You get a sufficient salary to afford any reasonable house you might like. (Without being too specific, as an editor I earn a six-figure salary.) Then you get an office, a window, and access to RPGamer's amenities here at the Company Headquarters: a swimming pool, a gymnasium, a first-class recreation room, a five-star canteen, and video games all day long. It is one of the better jobs I have held.

I've been playing Kingdom Hearts II lately, which realizes one of my lifelong dreams: beating the ever-loving out of criminals with a gigantic key. Also, wearing Haley Joel Osment's skin. Just kidding. My PS2 may be on it's last legs, though; it's having a hell of a tough time getting through some of these cut scenes. One thing that I hope is resolved in future iterations of this series, and all games, really, is the amount of awkwardly-stilted conversations. I can't count the number of times that someone will say something to Sora, 5 seconds will go by, he'll slowly smile and shrug as if to say "Sorry it takes me so long to respond", then look slowly at Donald, who will make the same face and look slowly at Goofy, who will simply stare into the camera. All of this in utter silence. If I watch these scenes with the lights off, it can get downright terrifying. Still, fun game.



I hate Kingdom Hearts.

Let the flames commence.


Another week, another column, another chance for me to tell you lot to get stuffed. Yet, you come back, week after week, for another dousing. You must know, deep inside, that I am right. Blah blah blah, superior rant, &c.

I did not have as much time to play WoW this week as I should have liked, so I am only L.32. I am enjoying it much more now that I am no longer a Mage. You see, one of the major problems I was having with WoW was that I was playing a Mage. After five years of FFXI, in which I devoted myself utterly to Black Mage, I had preconceptions of what I felt a Mage ought be. Imagine my surprise, and distress, when I found that in WoW a Mage cannot cast Tornado, Burst, or Quake. A Mage cannot cast Escape, or Warp II, or subjob 'Priest', or wear a Rod and a Shield, or land Magic Bursts, or any of the other things I enjoyed about BLM in FFXI. Essentially, I wanted Mage to be the same as BLM. It is not, and so I was frustrated.

After some thought, I gave Paladin a try again (I played around with it when WoW first was launched) and found it wholly enjoyable. The day may come again when I am ready to take up Mage or Priest, once my preconceived notions of those jobs have had time to wear away, but for now I am a Paladin. My shield and my mace are the happy tools of my trade, and I am eager to ply them against the meagre defences of the Alliance.

My only complaint? Undead cannot be Paladins. I beseech Blizzard to rectify this at once. I hate playing Blood Elf. Give me the option to be an Undead Paladin. I will then ride out, as a Death Knight, to make waste of my enemy and his people. And Blizzard, if you are reading this, if you convert my account so that I can be an Undead Paladin, I can personally guarantee you a fantastic score on your upcoming expansion.

Editorial credibility be damned. I just want to be a Death Knight.

(Incidentally, if you would like to participate in a WoW night with RPGamer staff members and friends, we have a Horde guild called Shadow on Ravenholdt server. Send me (Lusipurr) a message in-game and let me know you are an RPGamer reader interested in playing with us. As before, idiots, dolts, and nutters need not apply. Please be able to spell properly, for the sake of my sanity. No, "hi i wnt 2 b in ur gild," please.)

Lusipurr is healthy, wealthy, and wise.

I really want to be an Undead Paladin.

Recent Columns

I.XVI - Lusipurr

I.XVIII - Bari

I.XXII - Sean

I.XXV - Lusipurr

I.XXIX - Sean

Oliver Motok's Delusion

I've got no strings
To hold me down,
To make me fret, or make me frown!
I had strings,
But now I'm free;
There are no strings on me!
Hi-ho the me-ri-o,
That's the only way to go!
I want the world to know
Nothing ever worries me!

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4. ESRB Ratings: Blessing or Curse?
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